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Relationships

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Original poster

In love after 4 months, meetings kids

79 replies

Anxiouspiggie · 26/10/2020 15:01

I have been seeing someone for coming up to 4 months now. Due to us both having kids we currently on see each other two or three nights a week when we are both child free. I am thinking of suggesting that maybe one night a week he comes round when I have my two DDs here.

I have completely fallen for this man but we have never really discussed feelings or where our relationship is going so I am a bit nervous about suggesting this.

I really miss him when I don't see him which can sometimes be nearly 6 days between seeing each other. Should I suggest it? Is it too soon?

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 26/10/2020 17:38

@Anxiouspiggie

My fear of rejection is not personal to him. I have been like this my whole life. I now know I have anxious attachment and was like this as a baby/child. He is great , keeps in contact with me, wants to see me, gives me no reason to think he will reject me... but it is just a deep inbuilt anxiety I have to live with.

No, I haven't been with anyone else since I split with the kids dad about 18 months ago.

You can't deal with that by ignoring it though.

If you're introducing him to your kids then you need to be at the point where you are able to speak up enough/be brave enough to have potentially awkward discussions.

I would also judge a man who without any discussion about feelings or the future asked me to go to his house when the kids were there.

Woui · 26/10/2020 17:53

No. Way too soon.

newnameforthis123 · 26/10/2020 18:22

I have completely fallen for this man but we have never really discussed feelings or where our relationship is going so I am a bit nervous about suggesting this.

You say this and also it's only been 18 months since your split with their dad.

This isn't stable and serious enough to introduce him to your kids is it OP?

I totally get that you want it to progress and be more serious, but introducing him to your kids shouldn't be part of that journey before you've actually spoken to him about how you both feel and what you both want in the medium / long term.

And if you feel scared to do that in case you scare him off, then you aren't ready to introduce your kids to him.

Please don't yet if you haven't even discussed how you feel at this stage, it would be silly and unfair on the kids.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 18:42

If you have anxious attachment then you need to be extra super cautious about taking relationships slow because the consequences of getting attached and it breaking down will be much worse for your kids if you push it too fast.

SilverRoe · 26/10/2020 20:16

It sounds like your motivation for wanting to introduce him to your kids is so you can spend more time with him. But is that the best reason? Would he want to spend more time with you? 2-3 nights per week is a fair amount for a new relationship. Is it possible your anxious attachment is talking here and you’re trying to rush into spending as many nights a week around him as possible because of that? Because that won’t solve attachment issues, you could end up wanting every night and then every morning, and then being anxious in the day when you’re away from him.

Much better to take it slower and work on your attachment issues in the meantime!

FastAndCurious · 26/10/2020 20:20

You haven’t had a conversation with him about where it is going, but you want to introduce him to your children and form a bubble with him? Have you even spoken to him about forming a bubble?

It is far too soon, and I say that because of the anxious attachment. Take it slow, focus on your and you’re children first and foremost. What is meant to be will be, you don’t need to rush it.

MadamBatty · 26/10/2020 20:33

You say you see him 2/3 times a week then you say you see him every 6 days?

You know him 4 months? Or if pushed would you say 14 weeks? I think you’re being blinded by lust &/or romance. You don’t know this man. You might think you do.

Original poster

Anxiouspiggie · 26/10/2020 20:56

On the weeks I see him 2 days the days are Tuesday and Wednesday... and then I don't see him till the following Tuesday. So that is 6 days between visits. We started seeing each other at the end of June so that is 4 months!

OP posts:

Aminuts23 · 26/10/2020 21:15

Why the mad rush? I think it’s a bad idea. You barely know him

SBTLove · 26/10/2020 21:20

Barely four months, there’s been no talk of where you stand, definitely not time to introduce kids.

ThatsHowItStarts · 26/10/2020 21:28

Tell him how you feel first.

user1481840227 · 27/10/2020 01:13

@Anxiouspiggie

You're not replying to the real issue that people are raising.

You want to introduce a man to your kids but you're too afraid to discuss your feelings with him.

Surely you can see why that is an issue?

MrsPworkingmummy · 27/10/2020 01:28

Please don't introduce your children to this man yet OP. It is far too soon and will be really confusing for them. I think having him over when they are settling for bed is a bad idea... They'll think you're getting them out of the way.

SimonJT · 27/10/2020 07:27

We did six months, but I don’t think meeting at home the first time is ideal. My son is younger (he was 4 when they met), so he met us at a petting zoo and only stayed for about an hour, I think they had met 3/4 times before he came home with us for lunch. He did sometimes come over when my son was in bed, but as I very regularly have friends over someone being in the flat isn’t a big deal here. My sons a good sleeper and we didn’t have any incidents of my son waking while he was here. They had known each other about three months when he stayed over with my son knowing, again though, friends do sometimes stay here so it again isn’t unusual. When he started staying over twice a week at first we made sure it wasn’t consecutive nights and each increase in contact was planned.

Not discussing what you want out of a relationship, not talking about what you have, where you would like it to go by four months is unusual. We had had discussions about what we wanted out of a relationship pretty early on, obviously when you say things like you want to live with someone, marry, have children etc it doesn’t mean you specifically want it with that person. But its important to know if you’re compatible where the practical bits are concerned.

litterbird · 27/10/2020 12:29

The anxiousness of your posts comes out really clear. Try and step back and regard how you feel as just your anxiety talking. You want him to meet your children as fast as possible as in a hope the more he attaches to your life then the less likely he will leave (in your mind). It might possibly be that the faster you push this the more he might step away. I think your anxiety also comes from the fact he has not told you how he feels or has talked about where you are heading. Tread carefully, let things happen naturally. If he wants to meet the children let him make the step towards this. His timeframe will be different to yours as his anxiety levels are probably very different. Use this relationship as a great learning experience to get control of your attachment style and work with it to turn the anxiety down. Don't let him meet the children yet until you have worked on your anxious attachment.

BertieBloopsMum · 27/10/2020 12:33

So you're too shy to talk to him about your feelings, but will be demanding that your DDs find space for him in their home and lives?

I agree with the others that bringing him into their home at night-time is not the way to do this.

Day time meetings first. Take it slowly, don't be selfish.

SoulofanAggron · 27/10/2020 12:50

I'm not a mum but IMHO no, it's too early.

SenoritaEspanola · 27/10/2020 14:07

You've got the wrong motivation here. You don't want to introduce him to your children as the first step towards getting to know him, you want to introduce them to facilitate you being able to spend more time with him.

Coffeeandaride · 27/10/2020 14:19

I agree with others I’d say you should be able to talk about future /feelings and timescales before introducing them.
I don’t think it can be spoiled by a bit more time, now sounds relatively simple and good!
When the time is right definitely day time out of house short meetings sounds fairest on them all.

NiceandCalm · 27/10/2020 14:19

It is not too soon. No one would blink an eye if you invited a new female friend round, why should it be any different for a male friend.
My DS used to stay in his room playing computer games (that's his choice and what he did anyway) and I didn't force any introductions. I'd let him know that xx was coming round for dinner/watch a film/etc. My DS was not the slightest bit interested/bothered and he behaved the same with new female friends.
It's not like you're asking him to move in is it! You have your life to live. If the relationship works out, bide your time with involving the kids, take it at their speed.

RantyAnty · 27/10/2020 14:26

You may be head over heels but wouldn't it be wise if you found out if he felt the same way first?

Does your relationship consist of him coming over and you cook for him and he spends the night?

workhomesleeprepeat · 27/10/2020 14:26

OP 2 or 3 nights a week is quite normal for right now, even without kids!

If you feel ready to introduce him to your children then you should feel confident to have a conversation about your feelings. It’s quite immature to not be able to vocalise your feelings to this man if you have really fallen for him. What if he thinks differently? What if he thinks it’s too soon?

If you and this man are so connected, this should be an easy conversation to have. An exciting one even!

I would leave it another couple of months personally. Also it’s only been 18 months. When I left my long term relationship I met someone 18 months later and still felt like I hadn’t had enough time alone, so kept it quite casual for nearly a year.

If you’re meant to be together OP, it will happen, no need to rush!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/10/2020 14:27

"It's not like you're asking him to move in" She's already thinking about 'covid bubbles' and yet doesn't even know if she's much more than a shepherd's pie and a shag at this point. Way too soon to bring kids into the nix.

DianaT1969 · 27/10/2020 14:33

If you see your DC for just 3-4 days per week, I wouldn't use one of those evenings to spend time with your new man. Seeing him 3 times per week at the moment is loads! Presumably that's all day at weekends when child free?
Try to dial your feelings back.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 27/10/2020 14:41

@Anxiouspiggie so you don't know how he feels, and you are too anxious to have a conversation about it... but you want your DDs to meet him and to be in their house while they sleep?

So... you're ok for the kids to meet him and expect them to trust him, and potentially get attached to him etc, and then have him bounce out of your life because it wasn't actually serious... but you're not brave enough to have a conversation with him about your relationship?

Interesting priorities op. Did you want your DDs to have anxious attachment issues when they grow up as well? Or does that not matter and you're more fussed about your own feelings?

Yeah... you need to stop and put your kids first, sorry.

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