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Relationships

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Original poster

In love after 4 months, meetings kids

79 replies

Anxiouspiggie · 26/10/2020 15:01

I have been seeing someone for coming up to 4 months now. Due to us both having kids we currently on see each other two or three nights a week when we are both child free. I am thinking of suggesting that maybe one night a week he comes round when I have my two DDs here.

I have completely fallen for this man but we have never really discussed feelings or where our relationship is going so I am a bit nervous about suggesting this.

I really miss him when I don't see him which can sometimes be nearly 6 days between seeing each other. Should I suggest it? Is it too soon?

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 15:38

If you fear him rejecting you after 4 months, it does sound a little one sided. You need an honest discussion before you get burned - and more importantly - your DC.

ThatScottishGirl · 26/10/2020 15:39

No no no.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 15:42

Too soon to introduce him but I used to have dates come round after DS was in bed as he was a reliable sleeper and wouldn't wake up. Bad idea to get him involved in their routine though - why would you?

user1481840227 · 26/10/2020 15:49

@Anxiouspiggie

I actually knew him years ago and we got back in touch recently and just hit it off. We have mutual friends and he is honestly a very good man.

We are both quite similar though. I am shy and worried about being honest with how I feel as I fear rejection massively. I am the first person he has been with for a few years.

He has his DS every weekend at the moment so it makes spending days at the weekend together challenging.

The first man I was with after my ex was someone I had been briefly with as a teenager. He was an absolute sweetheart to me then and was 'such a good man' or so I thought for almost a year. He ended up being the most manipulative emotionally abusive person and thank god I didn't introduce him to my kids.

If you're nervous about rejection by telling him about your feelings then how can you even consider letting him into your home with your kids? this is part of adulting and it's part of relationships when you have children.

jessstan1 · 26/10/2020 15:51

@harriethoyle

I think you probably need to chat with him first and check you're on the same page. If he sees this as a casual thing and you're in love, that could be tricky to navigate and your children shouldn't be added into the mix...

I thought that too.

Hopefully you are not having ideas about moving in with him or vice versa.

shesgonebatshitagain · 26/10/2020 15:53

No.
It’s way to soon and I imagine this would be highly unsettling and curious for your young children.
I can’t believe you’d even seriously Consider it tbh

Anotheruser02 · 26/10/2020 16:00

Do your children get attached to your friends generally?
I think it's fine for him to pop in very casually as Mummy's friend so they know his face and then he can come around to your's when they sleep and they wouldn't be alarmed if they ever got up in the evening and he was there. Personally I wouldn't do it as them getting to know him, I wouldn't want him making a big deal of himself to them, you're not ready to play blended families. I wouldn't make any kind of interesting treat of his presence to them, just very matter of fact "my friend Jim is coming around to watch tv with me tonight" "this is Jim girls"
I don't know how things can really take off at all for people who only have EOW to themselves if their new partner isn't allowed in their houses between the twice monthly child free time.

nosswith · 26/10/2020 16:01

Too soon I think. Leave until post Covid in any case.

m0therofdragons · 26/10/2020 16:02

I regularly have friends over in the evenings and dc pop down and say hi then go to bed and friend and I talk or watch TV etc so I don’t see why you can’t do that and just introduce him as a friend then dc are in bed and you get an evening with him.

I find it odd when people leave it a year before introducing a partner to such a significant part of who they are so single parents have to live separate lives, which is bs. I wouldn’t have him putting dc to bed or anything but a quick hello with no pdas is fine imo. Dc are quite black and white so if they ask if explain dating and getting to know someone, setting them an example of how you want them to date rather than a big nonsense secret you are made to feel guilty about by mn.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 26/10/2020 16:06

Have your dc met any previous boyfriends? My dm used to have an endless stream of them and it made my head spin (well I could write a book on their various impacts, but that’s the summary)

Anotheruser02 · 26/10/2020 16:07

Good point dragons it is a weird secret, my Son often asks what I'm doing at the weekend if he's going to his Dads they know Mummy is a human being and has friendships outside of their lives.

I'd hate to give the impression going out with someone is something to be secretive about or ashamed of.

Original poster

Anxiouspiggie · 26/10/2020 16:24

My fear of rejection is not personal to him. I have been like this my whole life. I now know I have anxious attachment and was like this as a baby/child. He is great , keeps in contact with me, wants to see me, gives me no reason to think he will reject me... but it is just a deep inbuilt anxiety I have to live with.

No, I haven't been with anyone else since I split with the kids dad about 18 months ago.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 16:34

No, I haven't been with anyone else since I split with the kids dad about 18 months ago.

That isn't long after a major break up. Take it easy. A new man won't fix you. You need to work on your anxious attachment issues yourself via councelling.

seensome · 26/10/2020 16:35

Most people wait around six months but it's really up to you, if you think he could be the one? I would only suggest if your sure it's serious and you have discussed a future together, wait until the conversation happens naturally about meeting children, perhaps you could start by introducing him to other family members and friends first?
It's quite a big deal Isn't it the last thing you want is for him to meet the kids too soon and then break up, doesn't leave a good impression.

Devilesko · 26/10/2020 16:37

Far too soon, I wouldn't for a couple of years.
You hardly know him he's practically a stranger.
Please don't do this to your kids

OhCaptain · 26/10/2020 16:38

It's too soon. It's only been a year since you split from their dad and you're not even comfortable having an honest conversation with him yet!

Thesheerrelief · 26/10/2020 16:48

Much too soon. Four months is still the honeymoon period. Around 6-8 months you'll have an idea if you see it longterm. Right now your thinking is clouded by hormones. Also having him around just before bed could be very unsettling for your kids. You already see him a few times a week which is loads especially in the early days

Lozzerbmc · 26/10/2020 16:53

I think its way too soon in so many ways. 4 months is no time at all & we are not in normal circumstances. Also you havent discussed feelings despite you knowing him before. There’s no rush, I’d make sure hes a keeper first....

PostItJoyWeek · 26/10/2020 16:56

When will you have time to build your own life as a person if you have all your spare time with him? When will you spend time with friends? When will you do your hobbies?

Maybe in your marriage your life was all about you existing only in relation to others not being you yourself. So you are used to being wife and mother. Now you are looking to fill your spare time with being girlfriend.

How about build parts of your life that will persist even when children are grown and moved away, that will persist if you change boyfriend?

Techway · 26/10/2020 16:57

Way too soon. It feels as if you want to push the relationship further along but can't have a conversation with him about it.

For those who say it isn't a big deal to introduce bf at 4 months, are your children grown up? If so do they share that view?
Op, you have young children, if this doesn't work out and most relationships break up before 2 years you could face introducing lots of bfs to your daughters before they leave home. Given they are girls I don't think this is a good role model.

Just enjoy dating, wait until you are able to talk openly before bringing this man into your children's lives.

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 17:01

@PostItJoyWeek

When will you have time to build your own life as a person if you have all your spare time with him? When will you spend time with friends? When will you do your hobbies?

How about build parts of your life that will persist even when children are grown and moved away, that will persist if you change boyfriend?

Excellent post. A relationship should enhance your life, not be the focus of it.

HDDD · 26/10/2020 17:09

I know this is not the issue here but I had no idea people were dating in covid times. No idea at all.

Eesha · 26/10/2020 17:30

I think too soon but I did consider inviting mine round for Xmas and that would then be 6months plus family would be there. I would personally never have a man over whilst the kids were there until a year.

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 17:34

@HDDD

I know this is not the issue here but I had no idea people were dating in covid times. No idea at all.

Have you not seen the dating thread on here? Lots of dating and hook ups still happening.

peboh · 26/10/2020 17:37

Honestly I think it's too soon.
Somebody I know met somebody right at the start of March, then lockdown happened so they became a support bubble. Fell madly in just with each other, met each other's kids after 4 months and now at nearly 8 months have split up. The kids are of course devastated because they were expecting to see each other, see the couple etc. Not worth it at all until you know this relationship will go at least some distance.

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