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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Constantly feeling criticised

78 replies

berryvery · 25/10/2020 22:04

I don't know what to do here? Don't know if I'm being overly sensitive and have low self esteem or if I'm dating someone who really doesn't care.

We have been together for about 10 months and on many occasions when we are together I feel so criticised by him.
He brushes comments off as banter and jokes, and I love to play around. But there comes a point where it's just too much and I think I've finally reached that point tonight.. I'm led here next to him on the verge of tears because I don't know if I can keep doing this. Yet we are so good together and have so much fun.

An example... yesterday we went out and got caught in a downpour. We needed to nip to the shops before going in for the night. He had pretty much dried in the car on the way back to mine but I needed to change my trousers. He asked me to grab a hoodie for him and his car keys. Got back to the car and forgot his keys. This led to a 'joke' talk. How could he rely on me for anything if he can't even rely on me to remember his keys. He carried it on and I tried to play along but I said to him. It's really not funny and quite hurtful and I felt like I had to defend myself about all the things I do do. Then he twisted it back on me saying I was the one making a big thing out of it.

Another example... we went out to eat last week and the waitress came over to take our order. She asked if we had any allergies we both said no. Then once she had gone said to me 'any allergies, clearly you don't look at you' no I'm not skinny. But certainly no heavier than I was when we first met!! I pulled him up on it and he just laughs telling me he's joking.

These are just 2 recent examples but I could list loads! One of his favourites if I forget something or do something wrong... 'you had one job' again 'jokingly'. But it's constant!

Today I had a really stressful day with my kids 3 between 6 & 11 got caught in more rain he could see I was stressed as he seemingly cared and asked why I was so glum. I said I was tired. Then he starts with the criticism/banter/jokes. I said can you not sense I'm not in the mood. His reply... well that won't stop me. I'll just carry on pushing your buttons.
I didn't even know what to say to that.

If I'm overreacting, then I just need to have a word with myself. But having written this down. I don't think I am? He's not all bad at all, but he's words really hurt!

OP posts:

Redred2429 · 25/10/2020 22:10

Op you don't deserve this you need to have a serious chat with him

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 25/10/2020 22:18

He said he would carry on 'pushing your buttons' when you asked him to stop? OP, unless you enjoy having your character assassinated and your self esteem destroyed, there's no future in this relationship, so best to end it now.

RishiMcRichface · 25/10/2020 22:21

The longer you date the more he shows his true colours and he will get worse.

Wolfiefan · 25/10/2020 22:21

Joking means funny.
This isn’t banter. This is him being an arsehole and undermining you.
You deserve better OP.

dooratheexplorer · 25/10/2020 22:21

Is he like this with everyone or just you?

If he can't stop himself even when you tell him or you're visibly fed up/annoyed then this isn't going to improve.

Sorry, I would suggest you bin him off. Teasing can be incredibly cruel when you are on the receiving end and it will grind you down.

soundsfishie · 25/10/2020 22:23

10 months in you should not be feeling like this. I would end a relationship with someone who made me feel this way.

HollowTalk · 25/10/2020 22:24

@Redred2429

Op you don't deserve this you need to have a serious chat with him

Serious chat? She just needs to tell him to fuck off.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 25/10/2020 22:25

Start pushing his buttons. Hard. Then tell him you need space and send him home. You need to nip this in the bud - whenever it happens don't discuss it just say 'I'm not feeling it tonight. I need space.' And send him home. Rinse and repeat.

But do not discuss it otherwise it's just a chance for him to play games. And take the piss out of him. "That's rich coming from you" followed by "I'm sorry I've just remembered I need to wash my hair tonight" (code for I can't be arsed go home).

Let him do this and it will kill you. Maybe he will change if you come down hard on this or maybe he won't but it's better than sitting there all teary wanting him to 'understand' you.

But I suspect this isn't the only thing he does and this will end up as a LTB thread.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 25/10/2020 22:27

To be fair though he sounds like a total arsehole. You are not over reacting.

OhioOhioOhio · 25/10/2020 22:27

My abusive xh did this. Its the beginning of their regime. Its not an accident. He is trying to hurt you. Imagine your kids in a relationship like you describe?

HMSSophie · 25/10/2020 22:31

You're not overly sensitive - he genuinely doesn't care that he's treating you as an target for humiliation and denigration. Tell him from me that he's an utter wanker. Jesus what is it about men that makes them such fucking arseholes towards women. Grrrr.

widespreadpanic · 25/10/2020 23:12

Dated someone like this before for years. By the end he had destroyed my spirit. I would’ve been fine if he could be serious and pay me compliments but all he could give me were criticisms, nit-picking, and underhanded put downs.

Kick him to the curb before he does the same to you.

Anordinarymum · 25/10/2020 23:15

Why would someone want to push your buttons? How weird and horrible

EarthSight · 25/10/2020 23:34

Avoid avoid avoid.

'any allergies, clearly you don't look at you'

He's very passive aggressive, and passive aggressive (often cowardly) people often send their messages in sulks, huffs, backhanded compiments and 'humour'. It's not humour at all, which why I have an issue with 'banter' at times. Banter is like an agreed social/ humour contract or game - both parties agree, both parties understand, both parties enjoy, and it requires a degree of emotional intelligence ti get it right.

I don't think your senses are off. What he said to you wasn't a joke, and he's patronising your intelligence already by trying to minimise it (usually the type to say things like 'calm down luv' when they are actually challenged for their actions). What he wanted to say to you is 'You're fatter than I wished you were, and I'm going to let you know that by hoping you will take the hint'. If what he said was so fantastically funny and acceptable, why didn't he say it in front of the waitress eh? It's because he knew he was being a dickhead and was testing boundaries. If I'd heard that as a waitress I'd be visibly shocked.

He's sly, and probably too emotionally immature to have a sit down and a proper conversation about what's bothering (men who are 'funny' are often like this). Expect it to get worse. If this sort of thing is happening fairly regularly you either have to choices - to bite back so hard that he will think twice about disrespecting you in future (such as leaving the restaurant), or, preferably, you leave him. I love what he said about they keys......what I would have been tempted to say is ''You're quite ready to tell me how I don't meet your expectations but have you ever wondered how you don't meet mine'?

There's two possibilities about why he's doing all of this and either of them are good. Either -
a) He feels like he has the upper hand on you and thinks you're too dumb to notice his passive aggressiveness. He think's that you should be grateful to have a boyfriend like him because he's chosen someone who he thinks is a bit lower than his usual standards or preferences, probably because he thinks you'll try harder to please him or put up with his bullshit
b) He's secretly terrified you'll leave and is dropping these little put downs so you feel worse about yourself and are less likely to stray because of a bad self esteem

Neither of those are loving, respectful things in an intimate relationship. Yes you might have fun with him, but I think it's best to keep him at arms length as a friend because I think he'll end up doing damage if you stay with him. Sad thing is, the more you'll stay with him and the more you out up with that bulshit, the less & less he'll respect you and that is just an open door to infidelity and worse emotional abuse.

EarthSight · 25/10/2020 23:36

When is Mumsnet going to get an edit button?? Even forums more than a decade ago had that!

IdblowJonSnow · 25/10/2020 23:37

Sounds like a right tosser!
Agree with PP, don't bother with a serious talk, just ditch him.

EarthSight · 25/10/2020 23:37

Neither*

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/10/2020 23:45

You shouldn't put up with this, it will chip away and destroy you if you don't stop it, which I suspect will mean getting rid of him. He doesn't sound very nice or kind.

EarthSight · 25/10/2020 23:46

These are just 2 recent examples but I could list loads! One of his favourites if I forget something or do something wrong... 'you had one job' again 'jokingly'. But it's constant!

You don't have to say anything. Dump him, and refuse his apology because won't be truly sorry. He's patronising, immature, disrespectful because he doesn't respect you, and cruel. Really. I really think that ending it now will save you years of stress, heartache and possible therapy. You should be angrier than you are for the way he's treating you and the reason why you're not is because he's managed to confuse you. Many women stay in bad relationships for years because of that. Abusers are often master manipulators that are very good at getting women confused and doubting their own judgement and alarm bells. Trust yourself. Trust your judgement.

Enough4me · 25/10/2020 23:51

Don't listen to his twisted shit. Insert twat instead of funny and abuse instead of banter.

Why would you accept abuse from a twat?

nomdeplume2019 · 26/10/2020 00:29

You needed supported not joked about
We all have off days and if someone is trying to control how we should be
Ditch!
his behaviours game playing
I had delight in ditching a similar moron by a text
Your not for me!😂

sophiechitt · 26/10/2020 00:48

yanbu he sounds like a total arsehole and you need to find yourself someone that makes you happy. hope you find them x

Maskedcrusader · 26/10/2020 01:07

It's not really a question of overreaction. A lot of those comments may be his type of humor and he does see it as a joke. The problem is that you have told him you find it hurtful and he continues to do it regardless.

billy1966 · 26/10/2020 04:03

What a nasty, horrible man.

OP, why would you want to waste time on such a awful person.

He really sounds nasty with his little digs.

Why spend time with someone who makes you feel awful.

He is wasting your time.

End it. Don't look back.

Topseyt · 26/10/2020 04:27

The serious chat from me would be to tell him he was dumped and to fuck off out of my life.

I bet he wouldn't find it quite so funny then.

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