Constantly feeling criticised

[berryvery]

I don't know what to do here? Don't know if I'm being overly sensitive and have low self esteem or if I'm dating someone who really doesn't care.

We have been together for about 10 months and on many occasions when we are together I feel so criticised by him.
He brushes comments off as banter and jokes, and I love to play around. But there comes a point where it's just too much and I think I've finally reached that point tonight.. I'm led here next to him on the verge of tears because I don't know if I can keep doing this. Yet we are so good together and have so much fun.

An example... yesterday we went out and got caught in a downpour. We needed to nip to the shops before going in for the night. He had pretty much dried in the car on the way back to mine but I needed to change my trousers. He asked me to grab a hoodie for him and his car keys. Got back to the car and forgot his keys. This led to a 'joke' talk. How could he rely on me for anything if he can't even rely on me to remember his keys. He carried it on and I tried to play along but I said to him. It's really not funny and quite hurtful and I felt like I had to defend myself about all the things I do do. Then he twisted it back on me saying I was the one making a big thing out of it.

Another example... we went out to eat last week and the waitress came over to take our order. She asked if we had any allergies we both said no. Then once she had gone said to me 'any allergies, clearly you don't look at you' no I'm not skinny. But certainly no heavier than I was when we first met!! I pulled him up on it and he just laughs telling me he's joking.

These are just 2 recent examples but I could list loads! One of his favourites if I forget something or do something wrong... 'you had one job' again 'jokingly'. But it's constant!

Today I had a really stressful day with my kids 3 between 6 & 11 got caught in more rain he could see I was stressed as he seemingly cared and asked why I was so glum. I said I was tired. Then he starts with the criticism/banter/jokes. I said can you not sense I'm not in the mood. His reply... well that won't stop me. I'll just carry on pushing your buttons.
I didn't even know what to say to that.

If I'm overreacting, then I just need to have a word with myself. But having written this down. I don't think I am? He's not all bad at all, but he's words really hurt!

@earthsight

Spoy on.

OP this is how it starts. When I was with my ex I was always defending myself about the most stupid of things. It got to be utterly exhausting. This man will continue to drain the life out of you. Read this thread and take some of the great advice posters are offering. You are not alone

I'm constantly trying to please him

Why do you want him to be pleased with you? You're not a pet, you're a human being and you deserve to be treated with honesty, dignity and respect.

I think you should replace him with an umbrella

@Belladonna123 Thanks. Also, don't you just love how men like this just have this expectation that women will accept this bullshit as bantering or even humour?? Despite accusing other people of being too sensitive, THEY are the ones who are frequently sensitive. There's no way any of them would put up with that bullshit if the tables were turned. She would have been dumped straight away because he knows what it all really means.

I agree you need to leave OP. He is saying nasty things to you and thinks saying 'only joking! Can't you take a joke' afterwards is a get out of jail free card. I am sure if you made some personal joke about him when he made a minor mistake and went on and on about it, or something personal about the size of his penis or something, that he wouldn't be falling about laughing.

In any case even if he was 'joking', the minute you told him he was upsetting you, he should have stopped. Why would anyone continue to do something that upsets their partner unnecessarily?

He is a disrespectful arsehole and you deserve better. He will be like that forever and won't change so don't see why you'd waste anymore time on him. Good luck and I'm sure you'll be happier on your own and giving yourself the opportunity to meet someone new.

@earthsight

Absofuckinglutley.

It gives you pure manxiety. Keeps you on edge because that's where they want you. And then turning the whole thing around on you so you think 'hey, maybe I've got this wrong'. It's a horrible way to feel. They do it because that's their view of women and how to treat them.

OP hope you are OK

Don't waste time thinking about it.

Don't waste time giving him 'the chat'.

Seriously, just get rid. Men will only change their behaviour if they are generally kind and self aware and have a one off slip up. Only then can you flag it with the expectation that they will listen and not do it again.

Please, don't waste any more time on him and do not give him a second chance. He sounds truly awful and you clearly deserve much more.

Sorry I could not put up with this.

The odd joke, you had one job ha ha fine.

The how can I rely on you...er do it yourself, what did your last slave die of?

The weight comment. Absolute boot. No (hu)man has the right to comment uninvited on your body, least of all in a loving intimate relationship. Best thing he could do? Stop talking.

I do have a button myself which is I have ADHD and therefore disorganised and quite sensitive about it. This would upset me before if I got teased. Now I don't give a flying shit as on the whole I boss things and we all have little imperfections, like being bossy etc. As long as we don't encroach them on others who cares. He needs to stop being a bossy twat.

If he dismisses your feelings when you have been honest that's not a good sign, also why should you have to ask twice.

I will use this week to take some space and think about what I want.

Good. Please don't think you can have a talk with him and stop him from doing this, as PPs have said it's only going to get worse the longer you're with him.

I wait and enjoy so much when he tells me he loves me and how great he thinks things are going between us.

My heart used to swell with pride when my ex complimented me. I feel so stupid now reacting like that considering the horrific things he said and did to me at other times.

Listen to the voices of experience, kick this dick into the nettles. Live a good life without unnecessary crap.

He's vile and hates women. He certainly doesn't appreciate you. Have boundaries and ditch him. He is borderline abusive and it will only get worse. Not a nice ierson at all.

Ugh... the jack the lad "banter" type. These types are insufferable and get the most joy in life from "pushing your buttons" with passive aggressive nonsense like they're hilarious. And of course if you say anything you "can't take a joke" so tedious and juvenile.

Did you mean he was referring to your weight with the allergy comment? As in insinuating you're fat? I was a bit unclear about that? If so I would have dumped him that night!

Have a straight talk with him about it if you really think it's worth salvaging but honestly at this early stage I'd cut my losses and get rid as I can't imagine he'll be receptive to any perceived criticisms (ironically!)

Ten months in? Bin him off.

He's not kind, he's passive aggressive, and he doesn't care if he upsets you. Enough reasons to dump him. Game-playing twat.

I bet if you started picking at him, he wouldn't find that nearly so funny 🙄

You deserve better.

I was thinking perhaps you were being a little over sensitive, right up until i got to the part where he said he was going to go right on pushing your buttons.....what an asshole. Disrespectful, condescending and childish. He will chip away at your self confidence until you have nothing left and then insist it was all a joke....either put him back in his box and remind him he's with an amazing woman and should be proud and happy to be with you just as you are, or move on to a good man - he doesnt sound like he's one of them.

Just dump OP. He’s a dick and you deserve better.

It’s great you are getting space to think. This kind of “banter” is only that when both people clearly find it funny (my current bloke and I say some ostensibly awful things to each other when we are joking around, but if either of us didn’t like it we wouldn’t do it). Your boyfriend is an arsehole i’m afraid, as you have asked him to stop and he clearly doesn’t intend to.

Oh jeez, I dated a guy like this! I constantly had to defend myself, countless arguments over the most ridiculous ‘light hearted’ comments (eg ‘You should wear shorter skirts haha ) I actually did turn it round on him, gave him a taste of his own medicine.... he did not like that! Needless to say, we didn’t last.
Have a good rest OP knowing you’re done with that behaviour

He sounds insufferable. Don't let this dickhead take any more of your good spirit OP, he'll turn you into a shadow of your former self and i'm sure your kids won't want to see you miserable. Enjoy some time away from him and then dump him when you get back, or better still dump him before you go and move on with your life as quickly as you can.

This shit will destroy you. Kick his cowardly arse to the kerb.

His desire to act like an arsehole all the time in order for him to feel special does not trump your right to a happy life, unless you let it.

Honestly.. thank you all for your replies. I knew the pushing my buttons comment was a step too far, at the time I just didn't know what to reply and now I've had time to reflect it's such a horrible thing to say and I would never treat anyone that way!

I know it's ridiculous, but I want to have a proper conversation with him after this week and see what he says about the way he behaves. I'm just not ready to get rid. Maybe that will change by Friday once I've sat with this all. I don't know.

Thank you x

How about using some time this week to sit and write down as many of his critical comments as you can remember. Take a deep breath and think about the entire relationship, is he generous? Great in bed? Super with your kids? (We can see he’s not kind or thoughtful or he would never come out with comments like these) What is it that makes you reluctant to finish with him? You asked him to stop being nasty, and his response was to refuse and to tell you he would continue to ‘push your buttons’. What was your marriage like? Think about all these things as honestly as you can, maybe write some of these thoughts down, and consider that every single poster here is warning you off based on what you’ve said he said to you. Enjoy your week without criticism!

He will gaslight you if you try to talk about this. Things like 'well give me examples. What do you mean? But what about when you said that?'

He's not going to sit there and say yes you're right is he?

He will never admit that he is being deliberately horrible. How is he with your dc? Does he make equally horrible comments to them? Wind them up til they get upset? I couldn’t be with someone so.....unfortunate.

You're only 10 months in, just get rid. He's already showing you what years with him would be like. Why are you even taking this from him anyway? He's not the last man standing in this world, and you only have one life. He's playing on your low self-esteem. You're better off stepping away and doing some personal development so you don't get sucked in by these dickhead types again.