Can / should you ever completely trust in your partner?

[Asurvivor]

I am slightly biased as I did trust my partner completely in a very naive way, and then it turned out that he had been cheating on me for 15 years - and with several of our joint friends. It was the biggest shock of my life, he had deceived me so thoroughly all that time. I haven’t viewed the world / relationships as being safe ever since.
I read threads on here about women whose partners turn from being a perfect family man into a cold stranger (due to OW coming into their lives). I also read threads from women who consider their partners to be their best friends and have good trusting relationships.
One day I would like to be again in a relationship - with someone I can actually trust this time. So my question is how do you when can trust your partner - or should you actually ever completely trust your partner?

I believe you should and can trust 100%. Yes. My ex husband didn’t and it was really sad actually to realise that he didn’t trust me despite having no reason to other than his own attachment issues. I couldn’t fix him sadly and he was the one who couldn’t be trusted...

Watching with interest. I'm in exactly the same situation.

I feel I can't live with someone if I don't trust them because I own my house and have a 12yo ds. I'm not prepared to risk his happiness and security.

I was that woman, would have put my life on the fact the cold detached stranger would never be my husband, well now I'm living the dream of a horrible fractured relationship. I'll never trust anyone 100% again.

I will never trust anyone 100% in any circumstance. Maybe my mum, but that's the only person I can think of. I wouldn't even totally trust myself.

You can, but be vigilant. Any gut feeling is a red flag.
Any 'hmm, i don't like that' be on your guard for any other flags, because if you don't you'll find that you have spent years standing pointlessly in Red Square.

What's the point, if you don't?

If you want a living-together relationship, I can't see how it could be happy if you always have the doubt he has your back. It would be a miserable way to live if you're suspicious and likely to police and check up.

I don’t think anyone can and should be trusted 100%. That goes for friends, relatives, partners. You can trust them, yes, but don’t kid yourself that they’d NEVER hurt you in any way. Everyone has that capability. It’s just being realistic imo.

I am sorry that you are going through this too @Twinkie01 - I found that time does heal, even though it won’t ever be as it was before.
I also agree more with the “no not 100%”, but as I wrote I am biased and I think still impacted by the almost unbearable hurt and humiliation I felt. I feel that no relationship is worth experiencing that again.
But I still like hearing about relationships where there is complete trust - that gives me hope again. Maybe that is me being naive again.
Interesting point about the red flags @MikeUniformMike, as looking back there were maybe what you would call red flags - “friends” avoiding me for no reason, late night “work conversations”, jobs that needed to be done “urgently”. These were all however explained away by my ex - and I was blamed to be demanding, selfish, needy etc. I’m not sure I can tell what is a red flag anymore.

Absolutely trust my partner 100% and I've had shocking past relationships in the past. And course you should trust your partner if he's not given you reason not to. You'll become a self fulfilling prophecy otherwise.

I'm sorry that you and other have been so brutally hurt but that's the individual not the gender. Women cheat on men. Women cheat on women. Doesn't mean all women cheat either.

To not trust means something will always be missing or off. It'll affect the relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky. I'm well aware on a daily basis how lucky I am and it took some time getting here. Just don't give up hope

I wholeheartedly trusted my ex dh of several decades and had the rug well and truly pulled when he left for OW.

Cant say I will ever trust 100% ever again but then I'd never put myself in a position again where I had so much to lose either.

I trusted my wife for 35 years she was everything to me then one sunny sunday her phone rang and she said to the person on the phone that the traffic was busy, my alarm bells rang and i was never the again. i found out she was cheating and sexting 3 other men. i had a breakdown and i now trust no one.

But isn't it just hurting yourself to decide to stick at a position of being unable to trust and to look on every potential person as untrustworthy?

I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe, so no great example , and I don't intend to have a living-together relationship again - but I do trust my boyfriend to do his best to meet my emotional needs and to do what he says he will.

@Asurvivor, always round at his mate [name].
Nipping out for something and coming back hours later, possibly without the item.
His mate [name] avoiding eye contact with you.
Changing joint plans last minute.
Trips away with the lads/lads night out but he puts on 'date' clothes.
Taking more care over appearance.
Sex not quite what it used to be.
Getting lax over birthdays and christmas - gets you something obviously last minute or crappy card written in haste.
Picking on something you did or said years ago like that time you mentioned that you and Dave nipped out for lunch to discuss the first quarter of 2017's sales figures now no longer adds up to him, so you and Dave actually went for a shag instead.
Phone always quiet or it rings and he takes the call elsewhere.
You phone him when he's out and he says I'll call you back in 5, or he doesn't answer.
In a bad mood because of work stress.
Mentioning a friend or colleague a bit too frequently - this friend will have a bog standard name like Steve or something too innocuous for you to realise that she's really called Sarah.
...

You let each one go because they are easily explained or excused but there you are and one day you are hit by a tank because you didn't see the red flags.

I completely trusted my exH until I discovered an affair and he seemed to change overnight! He absolutely “wasn’t the type” to do it etc. Because of that it’s completely changed my view on relationships.
I trust my current DP, but I’m also aware now that it doesn’t always work out and the person you trust and love can completely break that. I’ll never feel the same way about anyone the way I did with first H because of the complete heartbreak and pain that I went through.

I completely trusted my exH until I discovered an affair and he seemed to change overnight! He absolutely “wasn’t the type” to do it
And you suddenly found a complete stranger who looked a lot like him.

'He'd never do anything like that', but he did.

My list of red flags missed out the using phrases that don't sound quite right.
'I've never cheated on you' it would be worded differently if he wasn't cheating. Think Bill Cunton's 'I never had ...with that woman'.

Both DH and me have a very strong view on cheating. I also told him right when we started dating that I would be perfectly fine if he broke up with me if he's interested in someone else, but I would never forgive cheating.

I do trust him completely, but DF cheated on DM so I suppose a part of me can't turn all suspicion off. And that's ok, I think. Might help me keep the relationship healthy and happy.

I have trust issues after my last relationship ended very suddenly. He wasn’t cheating (that I know of) but threw me out in a very sudden and brutal way. Am now in a newish relationship with a man who seems nice, but I find it hard sometimes to believe that he won’t just suddenly end it with no warning (and obviously, it’s early days so he might). I am hoping my trust issues will diminish in time if we stay together - otherwise I will seek counselling as it’s not a fun feeling.

Hold on - by "trust 100%" do you mean genuine trust that may at some point be broken by the person's actions (given that we are all only human), or the blind kind of trust where you ignore shit behaviour and breaches of your trust "because I trust him 100% so I'm sure he hasn't really done what the evidence of my own eyes shows" ?

Which do you mean? One is a healthy thing to aspire to, and the other is toxic and leaves you vulnerable.

I would also say that as a human it would be quite unusual to never have a moment of fear or doubt or worry about what the future may bring. Especially when you have had personal experience of loss and uncertainty. It doesn't mean that you don't trust someone, only that you have normal human emotions about the uncertainty of life and your brain is performing its normal function of keeping an eye on your safety.

It is naive and foolish to believe unequivocally that bad things only happen to other people and that one's own life will remain perfect forever, although that is a belief usually held by those privileged enough to have thus far been shielded from the worst that can happen.

@user102740264923, the blind kind. I didn't say anything so as not to give him ideas, and according to MN 'a man can have a female friend'.

Trust but verify. People can be awful and put up a good front. I can't trust anyone fully.

When you’re single the amount of “taken” men you get coming on to you, and infatuated with you, is incredible. If a woman has been in a long term relationship since early in her life she won’t really get all this attention from men and so doesn’t understand how much men stray. And so many of these men send messages on social media and are on dating sites even though they have a partner. Their other halves are oblivious to it. I trust my partner, but not in a blind way: I know what it’s like out there. Many close male friends have confided in me that deep down they don’t believe in monogamy - but that they would never say that to their girlfriends/wives. It’s all a big adventure to men. They seek the homemakers, but then chase the hot women outside of that.

By “trust 100%” @user102740264923 being able to trust your partner will be honest and raise problems in the relationship so they can be resolved - equally be honest if the relationship is not working out from their side (even if you love them blindly) and end the relationship in a kind and compassionate way. Is that too much to ask from someone who said you were their soulmate? Or just from a fellow human being?
I’m sorry that this is still painful for you @mrmr1, I had a small breakdown and developed panic attacks if I left the house, which took me several years of therapy to overcome. Still have them if I am stressed about something but rarely now. If you can get / afford therapy, I highly recommend it.
I was curious also @user102740264923 about what you wrote about blind faith and normal brain function of keeping an eye on your safety. Because clearly my brain didn’t look out for me all those years, or somehow I subconsciously decided to ignore my brain’s warnings. However I’m not privileged to have had an easy life growing up, in fact the opposite - alcoholic father, depressed mother. I would like my brain to function as you say, but I doubt myself that I will be able to do that and I don’t know why I can’t.

@popcornlover

When you’re single the amount of “taken” men you get coming on to you, and infatuated with you, is incredible. If a woman has been in a long term relationship since early in her life she won’t really get all this attention from men and so doesn’t understand how much men stray. And so many of these men send messages on social media and are on dating sites even though they have a partner. Their other halves are oblivious to it. I trust my partner, but not in a blind way: I know what it’s like out there. Many close male friends have confided in me that deep down they don’t believe in monogamy - but that they would never say that to their girlfriends/wives. It’s all a big adventure to men. They seek the homemakers, but then chase the hot women outside of that.

Yes to so much of this. Not all men do this but a significant amount does.

I never realised just how much I'd be hit on by men in general till I became single. Married men, the partners of close friends, and the rare handful of actually single men. It was not encouraged or welcomed.

My grandmother recently became a widow in her 80s. Married men who she'd known for 60+ years were scratching at the door like dogs.

Trust in them for what though??

I 100% trust my DH to be faithful, I don't trust him to look after me/be there for me emotionally.

I don't think I will ever love someone unreservedly ever again, I just can't.