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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can / should you ever completely trust in your partner?

84 replies

Asurvivor · 25/10/2020 08:34

I am slightly biased as I did trust my partner completely in a very naive way, and then it turned out that he had been cheating on me for 15 years - and with several of our joint friends. It was the biggest shock of my life, he had deceived me so thoroughly all that time. I haven’t viewed the world / relationships as being safe ever since.
I read threads on here about women whose partners turn from being a perfect family man into a cold stranger (due to OW coming into their lives). I also read threads from women who consider their partners to be their best friends and have good trusting relationships.
One day I would like to be again in a relationship - with someone I can actually trust this time. So my question is how do you when can trust your partner - or should you actually ever completely trust your partner?

OP posts:
LavaCake · 26/10/2020 17:00

When faced with the prospect of no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it's a rare man that will say no. Even if he is married /coupled up. Really rare.

This is so sad. I think you must know really terrible men. My husband, brother, father, brother in law, father in law etc would simply never behave this way. They have a core of decency which precludes it.

Angelina82 · 26/10/2020 17:12

I see absolutely no point in being with someone if you can’t 100% trust them. If you’re not willing/unable to put your faith in someone then stay single for your own and for any potential partners sake.

occa · 26/10/2020 18:04

I have worked for 30 years in and alongside a variety of very male-dominated fields, often involving working far from home for extended periods.

Absolutely no flipping way would I ever trust a partner 100%.

notroundthebend · 26/10/2020 18:16

I did and he lived a very awful double life. Now I will never trust a living soul. It's a very sad fact that being cheated on destroys you inside out. 😔

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 26/10/2020 18:30

[quote ml656]@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I'm starting to think we are never going to understand each other. When you said that your views on trust in a relationship "makes me more able to love people for what they are, not for what I imagine they might offer me" I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I have never loved someone for what I thought they would offer me, the idea seems confusing and tbh , to me it sounds controlling. I love and I trust based on who they are, not on what they give me, and not on what I believe they will continue to give me. ...I obviously have faith and hope and yes, trust that they will continue to love me as they have done. But this is based on who they are and how they have treated me in the past. However, I understand that I don't have control over anything but myself.

I hope your relationship continues to be good. I like the way I am, I won't be adjusting myself, my expectations or my relationship. If it goes wrong then so be it.[/quote]
You don't know who anyone is, though (I mean that gently). You imagine you do, and that is a normal error that almost all human beings make. Its a gentle lie that makes everyday life less anxiety ridden and sad. I get that, I lie to myself in exactly the same way, for the same reasons. I just try to remind myself of the truth regularly, to maintain my resilience and self reliance just in case I need it.

The Stoic philosophers encouraged just such a practice, for the same reasons. For example, they advised that every time you kiss your child or spouse, you remember that they will be taken from you in time, so love them just for today without trusting they will be here tomorrow. Obviously not everyone wants to adopt that practice - for some, its simply too scary to be reminded of how alone they are in the universe and how badly wrong things can go. But as someone who has had the worst happen, for me, it's more comforting to be prepared to have the illusions stripped away again, just as they have been before. Doesn't work for everyone but has certainly worked for many folk, over millenia. The Stoic advice in this subject area is thousands of years old.

You seem to have picked up an idea that I'm trying to argue that you should change yourself in some way. Be assured, I don't want or expect you to change, im sure you are very happy and why wouldn't you be. I'm just discussing my ideas, some of which contradict yours.

user102740264923 · 26/10/2020 18:39

I'm sorry for the experiences you had growing up.

It is entirely possible you have/had complex trauma as a result.

One of the consequences of that is being disconnected from yourself and unable or struggling to feel or name what is going on for you internally (e.g. Not having a gut instinct or not hearing warning signals about red flags). That can manifest as feeling numb, as taking risks because you don't feel in danger, in struggling to empathise or understand other people, as not really being sure what you feel or only noticing your feelings once they become intense and unmanageable... Etc.

It can also change how you relate to people and leave you with a strong desire to be "rescued" - to have someone come into your life and make you whole, to whisk you away from your troubles, to make you feel safe and secure and loved, to overwrite the bad stuff in the past etc.

The two together leave people vulnerable because a) you can't always feel when things aren't right until they're really bad, and b) the desire to be rescued, and the comfort it brings to feel you finally have a rescuer, can be so powerful that it overrides any little warning bells that may be ringing in the distance. (Furthermore, some people will target people where they detect vulnerability.)

Additionally, being traumatised can result in your brain shutting down some functioning and keeping you in a threat state/ protective survival mode. Which means you won't get the warning signals you would in a calm state/ safe mode.

If these things were a factor for you, reconnecting with your body is a way to change this so you can hear warning signs in your environment. There is some evidence that trauma sensitive yoga can achieve this. There are other ways too.

If any of this resonates, it might be worth looking up books by Judith Herman, Pete Walker, and David Emerson.

I think there is every hope you will one day feel very different to how you do now.

lynsey91 · 26/10/2020 18:58

@occa

I have worked for 30 years in and alongside a variety of very male-dominated fields, often involving working far from home for extended periods.

Absolutely no flipping way would I ever trust a partner 100%.

You must have worked with some awful men then because there are many many men who would not cheat
occa · 26/10/2020 21:07

You must have worked with some awful men then because there are many many men who would not cheat

Nope, very large numbers of absolutely normal men in many different industries/professions.

FoolMe0nce · 26/10/2020 21:48

NC

I trusted 100% once. The man who was my perfect partner, soul mate, great marriage, would NEVER break my heart, didn't have it in him, wasn't that guy, etcetera ad nauseum, cheated on me. Shocked the bejesus out of me. That was 'me done' with 100% trusting a partner. I never saw it coming and would not have believed it possible in a million years.

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