Can / should you ever completely trust in your partner?

[Asurvivor]

I am slightly biased as I did trust my partner completely in a very naive way, and then it turned out that he had been cheating on me for 15 years - and with several of our joint friends. It was the biggest shock of my life, he had deceived me so thoroughly all that time. I haven’t viewed the world / relationships as being safe ever since.
I read threads on here about women whose partners turn from being a perfect family man into a cold stranger (due to OW coming into their lives). I also read threads from women who consider their partners to be their best friends and have good trusting relationships.
One day I would like to be again in a relationship - with someone I can actually trust this time. So my question is how do you when can trust your partner - or should you actually ever completely trust your partner?

No, of course not.

I’m similar to randomess, I trust DH 100% not to cheat on me, and I’ve been cheated on before so I don’t think I’m naive. It’s just not him, he has strong values about that.

But I don’t trust him fully with my heart, in the sense that when we clash and he is critical of how I am, it hurts. What I really want is someone that is accepting of every little thing about me, with no wish that I change in any way - and I think that’s a pretty tall order. Not something I am able to offer!

I trust my husband of over 30 yrs because I’ve never had reason not to and as he’s incapable of lying about anything i always know exactly what’s going on ( even if I don’t particularly want to ) .

Nope. The only person I trust 100% is my mum.

I trust my DH 100% to be faithful to me just as he trusts me 100%.

We both have the same strong views on marriage, commitment and infidelity and neither of us have or would cheat.

I trusted my dh (perhaps not 100%) until I discovered he was unfaithful. I had been in extremely passionate relationships where the guys were not wholey committed. I married dh partly because I thought he was 'safe'.

More fool me!

I have since been unfaithful so now know I am completely capable. I can no longer take the high moral ground.

I do not think you can trust anyone 100%, not even your parents.

@namechangeforfriday

I don’t think anyone can and should be trusted 100%. That goes for friends, relatives, partners. You can trust them, yes, but don’t kid yourself that they’d NEVER hurt you in any way. Everyone has that capability. It’s just being realistic imo.

This!

I trust DH because he has never given me any reason not to. But that doesn't mean that I refuse to believe he's capable of cheating or really hurting me in another way because he is only human and humans are unpredictable.

And I don't think that not trusting someone 100% is detrimental to a relationship. I don't constantly worry that DH will hurt me, or check his phone, or accuse him of anything, I don't have any suspicions whatsoever. I trust him 99% and that 1% has no negative impact on our relationship, its just my little bit of self preservation.

After being hurt by the one person I thought I could trust 100% I can honestly say that you can’t. I have the sort of mentality now that prepares me for disappointment etc. There’s one person in my life now (aside from my children) that I trust as much as I can and that’s my mother.

Coming at this from a slightly different angle - I am a man.

I trusted my ex wife implicitly. Shared everything with her for twenty plus years only to come.home one day and find she and the kids gone. Haven't seen or spoken to any of them since despite my best efforts.

No closure on the relationship or even an explanation on top of the crushing pain of being denied the right to be part of my kids lives.

It nearly killed me and I honestly never thought I could trust anyone again.

Now I am happily married to the most amazing woman I have ever met (still not seen my kids or spoken to my ex though)

Don't rule anything out as you never know what or who is around the corner (or in this case on tinder 😅)

That sounds horrific Tiredeyes, can’t help but ask did you pursue through police and courts to try to reach your children? What happened when you did?

@Slothmomma

I wholeheartedly trusted my ex dh of several decades and had the rug well and truly pulled when he left for OW.

Cant say I will ever trust 100% ever again but then I'd never put myself in a position again where I had so much to lose either.

Slothmomma, you post resonated with me a lot. I too trusted my ex partner implicitly, even though there was a few red flags over the years. He left me for someone else at a very vulnerable time in my life and, I am sad to say, that I very much doubt that I will ever fully trust anyone again. I had far too much of my life invested in him and paid the bitter price for it.

I know people say ‘what’s the point’ in having a relationship of the trust isn’t there 100% but for some
of us that would mean never having a relationship again. You can trust someone 90% and try your best to make sure you aren’t letting your own issues effect the relationship. I don’t think I let my issues from a previous relationship effect my relationship with my current boyfriend. I am aware of it and keep a check on it.

But I have just seen to many people with broken hearts after many years, too many people change dramatically out of the blue, to even entirely put my trust in anyone else.

@Merename

That sounds horrific Tiredeyes, can’t help but ask did you pursue through police and courts to try to reach your children? What happened when you did?

Yes. Without going into a load of detail it cost me 50k plus and was a total waste of time. She made all the usual allegations as recommended by lawyers etc to get unlimited legal aid and it all dragged on for so long (her contesting everything, deliberate delays from lawyers etc) that after two years of fighting the "status qou" was established (ie me not seeing them) and after two years of her in their eyes they have apparently transformed from two kids whos lives i was in everyday and where we had mutual love and respect for each other and loads of fun, into kids who don't want to see me .

You can't make kids see you when they have been brainwashed to think you are the most evil man in the world (apparently the version of events given to the kids when she uprooted them from their home, dad and schools was that I had said they all had to leave)

Anyway. Point is if I can find love and trust again anyone can. Also a leap of faith for my new wife to trust me given the whole "no smoke without fire" thing, but she sees the pain i am in everyday and knows i have never so much as raised my voice let alone beat her black and blue as was alleged.

Trust can be built with someone else after being stamped on

I think when you go through the unbearable pain ur hubby/wife puts you through by cheating changes you as a person . It has me anyway. Gone from having the prefect husband (in my eyes) to a person I don’t know. Years of lies and cheating. We both had very strong views on cheating and had talked about a few times when we heard of other people cheating. Though we were on the same page and both of us would not doing anything to break our family. Blind love I think that is . I don’t. Even trust myself never mind anyone else . Time is a healer and I need many more years !! But I would like to think that 1 day I will be able to trust again or I will grow older very lonely .

@Faith50

I trusted my dh (perhaps not 100%) until I discovered he was unfaithful. I had been in extremely passionate relationships where the guys were not wholey committed. I married dh partly because I thought he was 'safe'. More fool me!

I have since been unfaithful so now know I am completely capable. I can no longer take the high moral ground.

I do not think you can trust anyone 100%, not even your parents.

Well I think sometimes you can trust someone 100%. I know my DH would never be unfaithful just as he knows I wouldn't.

As I said, we both have the same views on infidelity and that is that it is completely wrong and not something you do to someone you love and respect.

We took our marriage vows seriously. If one of us were unhappy, stopped loving the other or whatever we would split up. Not likely though after 40 years of extremely happy marriage.

I had a conversation with a woman at work about whether or not I could ever forgive my husband if he had an affair (as far as I know he hasn't). She was quick to criticise me and said that her and her husband trusted each other implicitly. Apparently they'd had conversations saying that they'd always talk to the other one if it got to the stage where one or the other was unhappy or wanted an affair. He worked away a lot. Turns out he was living a double life!

I'm not sure I trust my husband 100%. I've seen too many affairs. It doesn't hurt to be a little cautious/alert.

I trust 99.9%. I know that situations can change and people can get their heads turned. That’s just life.

@lynsey91, I hope you are right.

I trust my mum 100% on some things, on other things no.

I trust my husband to never intentionally hurt me. I totally trust him in this, I'd bet my life on it. That doesn't mean he won't hurt me, that doesn't mean our relationship is safer or better than anyone elses but this has been tested again and again and he's always came through. I choose to make this trust the centre of my feelings about fidelity, honesty and it's why I married him ( alongside the fact I love him) .... I believe I am lucky. I also believe there are a lot of good men out there who will be exactly the same.

There's no guarantees in anything, I think what I should focus on is keeping myself in a good place emotionally and physically so I trust myself to be who I want to be. This is much more important in the long run imho.

[quote MikeUniformMike]@lynsey91, I hope you are right.

I trust my mum 100% on some things, on other things no.[/quote]
I know I am right. I know my DH so so well. I can almost read his mind. Neither of us can ever lie to the other as we can both see that it is a lie (talking about silly things as nothing major to lie about).

I know I would never ever be unfaithful no matter what the circumstances because I believe it to be so wrong. I also know that DH feels the same way

Never trust anyone completely. Especially men.

When faced with the prospect of no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it's a rare man that will say no. Even if he is married /coupled up. Really rare.

I trust DP 100%, he's always got my back, encourages me and would give me a kidney if need be. However, I'm not so complacent to think he would never, ever cheat. He's human and I've known people to act so completely out of character you'd think they'd had a personality transplant.
You can't live a happy life plagued with suspicion but don't be naive about the fact it could happen to you.

Everyone is different and you can’t make new partners pay for a previous partners sins.

Everyone deserved to be trusted until you find out they are untrustworthy.
It’s difficult because in order to do this, you put yourself in a position of vulnerability.

But what’s the alternative? Living without trust? Being suspicious all of the time? Fearing what might happen? That’s no way to live.

I think its almost unkind to put one's full trust in another person. It puts people on a pedestal when in fact all of us are weak, frail, fallible little creatures. We all err.

Trusting yourself to be able to cope no matter what life throws at you, is a hugely superior way to feel like you are safe in the world.

The truth is we are all alone in this world. We can have compassion for other people, all equally alone, and we can try to be there for each other, but the wise know that "trust" is a thing you reserve for yourself.

I always cringe on here when women say they trust their partners 100%. This means they don't understand human nature and may not even really understand how to love another adult. Its a shame and leads to a great deal of pain.

I am trusting my partner 100% to not have unprotected sex with someone and then infect me (as we don't use condoms). Most people have that level of trust.

But i can't say i would fully trust anyone as such. Everyone does what suits them and you can't know someone is 100% happy or what goes on in their mind. So they could seem fine and happy and then meet someone else who turns them. There is no guarantee that won't happen, however much you trust them.

We haven't married as i have assets (so does he but not as much) and i'd not want to risk them. as there is no way to safeguard them, not marrying is safest.