Can / should you ever completely trust in your partner?

[Asurvivor]

I am slightly biased as I did trust my partner completely in a very naive way, and then it turned out that he had been cheating on me for 15 years - and with several of our joint friends. It was the biggest shock of my life, he had deceived me so thoroughly all that time. I haven’t viewed the world / relationships as being safe ever since.
I read threads on here about women whose partners turn from being a perfect family man into a cold stranger (due to OW coming into their lives). I also read threads from women who consider their partners to be their best friends and have good trusting relationships.
One day I would like to be again in a relationship - with someone I can actually trust this time. So my question is how do you when can trust your partner - or should you actually ever completely trust your partner?

I always feel trust is 20% instinct (I feel I really could trust this person) 80% decision (I'm going to go ahead and do it). I love my DH and certainly don't doubt either instinct or decision!
That being said everyone should have a Plan B formulated even loosely in the back of their minds for if the worst happened.

I'm with RandomMess and MereName, I trust DP implicitly not to cheat, he just isn't like that. I trust him totally to take an active interest in our finances and to make good, responsible decisions. I also 'trust' him to turn on a penny in stressful situations, have a short fuse when driving and to be petty and pedantic when tired. In short, I am very clear about who DP is, and I trust him to be exactly like it.

@grassisjeweled

Never trust anyone completely. Especially men.

When faced with the prospect of no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it's a rare man that will say no. Even if he is married /coupled up. Really rare.

I have plenty of times. My line of work put me in loads of homes where the husband would be out all day or even away for weeks on end and I knocked back plenty of offers.

If it felt innaprotriate I just didn't go back or took a colleague. Note these were married woman trying it on with me (and I ain't no looker) so you statement is very wide of the mark.

There are dirty cheating men and there are dirty cheating women. There are also plenty of each sex that would never cheat.

@grassisjeweled

Never trust anyone completely. Especially men.

When faced with the prospect of no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it's a rare man that will say no. Even if he is married /coupled up. Really rare.

Not that rare unless you know a lot of total shit men.

Some men have morals and respect for their wives. Some are also not so shallow as to think that just because a woman may be beautiful sex is going to be any better than with their wives that they love. It's just sex with a stranger not some magical experience

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I think its almost unkind to put one's full trust in another person. It puts people on a pedestal when in fact all of us are weak, frail, fallible little creatures. We all err.

Trusting yourself to be able to cope no matter what life throws at you, is a hugely superior way to feel like you are safe in the world.

The truth is we are all alone in this world. We can have compassion for other people, all equally alone, and we can try to be there for each other, but the wise know that "trust" is a thing you reserve for yourself.

I always cringe on here when women say they trust their partners 100%. This means they don't understand human nature and may not even really understand how to love another adult. Its a shame and leads to a great deal of pain.

What a horrible post. I do know how to love another adult and I do trust my husband 100%, Who the hell do you think you are to belittle me?

It's not a shame and I can assure you me trusting him totally and him trusting me totally will not lead to a great deal of pain. You sound just plain nasty.

I know with absolute certainty that I would not be unfaithful. Rubbish about only being human, being weak blah blah blah. No one has an affair accidentally, no one is forced to have an affair. We are all perfectly capable of thinking things through and all perfectly capable of having morals that we abide by and not hurting someone we love.

You cringe away. I feel sorry for people that can't trust their OH completely. I could not be married to someone with no morals

lynsey91
May your marriage long continue to be fruitful and free from infidelity.

Dh and I did not have a deep conversation about cheating. I recall disclosing a mutual friend's infidelity which occurred AFTER he was unfaithful. He did an excellent job of looking concerned and shocked all the while knowing in his heart he had committed the same crime. Difference was I was in the dark.

A poster mentioned men having affairs with beautiful women. Sometimes the other women is average looking. Often affairs are far more about how the person makes your spouse feel as opposed to just how they look.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC, your post was very interesting, it made me looked at things differently. I can see that by blindly 100% trusting, you put a lot of responsibility on the other person to be perfect instead of listening to yourself (and the red flags that come up). Better to trust in yourself. Its hard though not to swayed when you are promised so much love.
But I guess you can hope (not expect) that your partner will be trustworthy can’t you? As others who have found love again do? I can’t envisage letting myself be vulnerable again and having that hope in my heart again. Or at least not right now.

I don't think trusting someone is putting them on a pedestal at all. Trust isn't a guarantee that the person will be perfect , it's a belief that no matter what happens, when it comes down to the wire that that person will have your back. Anyone who thinks trust is about never being disappointed or let down is missing the point quite significantly. We are all human and we all do make mistakes but I trust that those mistake are never meant to hurt and are done with the best intentions.

@lynsey91

Your marriage sounds like a lovely one, and a relationship that I aspire to. I do have a great foundation moving forwards. I think trust is at least partly a choice ( as PP have also said) , and I'd choose to trust my husband all day long. As you have also chosen to do, to good results. I honestly don't see the point in marriage and long term relationships otherwise.

OP, I hope you find someone worth trusting, and then gift them with that trust. It's a good place to be, I have people in my life who trust me and I cherish that, I wouldn't forsake it for anything. I hope you find someone deserving of receiving yours.

I do trust my husband not to cheat on me, and to treat me well. He trusts me to do the same.

I don't have any rock solid absolute evidence to base that trust on: it's trust/faith. But he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. I feel like we make each other smile most days and help each other out.

I don't choose to live in fear that he might one day turn out to be a completely different person. That would rob today of it's joy for something that is probably not going to happen.

But I do understand why people would struggle to trust someone again after they have cheated on. I wish people could get it into their heads what a vile thing adultery is and how much damage it does.

No been there. Long marriage with DC then found exH had cheated throughout and lots of our friends and his family knew and had said nothing. I will never understand why he did not just say he had made a mistake in marrying and leave.

No more relationships for me ever.

Often affairs are far more about how the person makes your spouse feel as opposed to just how they look.
Yes.

I would say to anyone, don't trust the OH blindly. If anything doesn't sit right with you but you think 'he'd never do that', that's when you should watch out for potential red flags.

Some women can be predatory. I've seen them in action. Just because you've been happily married 30, 40 years doesn't mean that they won't be flirted with. The 'men can have female friends' posts on here are from people who haven't a clue.

I know generalising, but the ones to watch are newly single friends and new single colleagues/hobbyists.
Often it won't be predatory but there's the damsel in distress/madonna and child attraction for the man.
Usually the man will be 'safe' (married, a bit of a dad bod, not all that fanciable but nice enough) and the woman will have no intention but will lap up the 'friendship' and he ends up in an emotional affair.

It's unfair but if you are a single woman, you will usually be socialised with a lot less with than a single bloke where coupled up friends are concerned, if you are included it will be on girls' night out or to make up the numbers.

If I sound bitter or nasty, I'm not. But I've seen it with my own eyes, and been through the mill.

One of my friends went through a phase of seeking out dishy men either married or long term relationship. Fortunately, I had become newly single at the time, so she didn't break up mine.

I've watched a male friend 'fall in love' with his wife's best mate not long after she became a single mother. The friend was just a friend but the more she resisted, the bigger the pull. Poor wife had to make a choice, bin the twat, bin the best mate or put up and shut up. The married couple are still married, the best friend is still her best friend.

I like the trust, but be vigilant comment. And I'll add develop strong boundaries. DH couldn't have eroded me so badly if I'd had strong boundaries.

You need to be going into a relationship from a place of strength, good self esteem, strong sense of self, strong boundaries. Not going into a relationship trying to fill something that is lacking in you. I was vulnerable, sick and feeling worthless when I met DH. I thought for 15 years that Id proved that wrong, that you can meet an amazing man when you're mentally a mess and have a great life together. The last 5 years he has let me down so badly and I've let him walk all over me. We have 3 little kids and a toxic relationship, with gaslighting and sometimes emotional abuse all from him. But what I regret the most is not having strong boundaries, it's enabled him to destroy my self esteem and erode my sense of self and my trust in myself. He's shattered my trust in him, but I don't even trust my own mind anymore.

Trust isn't a guarantee that the person will be perfect , it's a belief that no matter what happens, when it comes down to the wire that that person will have your back. -- I hear what you're saying, but I think it's all idealistic hypothetical stuff really. No-one really has anyone's back, not completely. Everyone has a breaking point. The other side of it is, if you refuse to have a breaking point yourself, and persevere in trusting someone too much, it means you'll end up imagining that they are putting you first, even when they really are not. That way lies so much pain. (Speaking from experience - many abusive relationships contain a person who imagines that their abuser is trying to do right by the etc.)

I do think this thread suffers a bit from a lack of a clear definition of "trust" in a relationship, though. It seems to me that the OP is specifically wondering whether she will ever "feel safe" in a relationship again.

My answer to that is, in order to feel truly safe, you have to have self-reliance. Looking to a partner to create the illusion of safety is fine, but that illusion needs to be a nice extra in life, not one's bedrock foundation, if that makes sense. The illusions are lovely and very enjoyable but they are just that, illusions. People betray each other constantly. We misjudge each other constantly. We change and outgrow each other and make bad choices about how to deal with that. It's just the way people are, even the good ones.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

My husband has my back. He just does. I know right now he would choose my survival over his own. My belief in that being true is no less valuable than your belief that it is never true. I'm not saying things are always going to stay this way. If I treat him badly he might change, if I get ill or depressed or have an accident he might change.... But I trust that he will do whatever he can to cause the least amount of hurt to me. I trust he wouldn't have an affair say, but talk to me and leave the relationship first. My trust isn't a guarantee of lifelong happiness but it certainly is an important component of it. There are decent people out there.

Absolutely self trust/reliance is extremely important. The most important. I agree with you there.

[quote ml656]@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

My husband has my back. He just does. I know right now he would choose my survival over his own. My belief in that being true is no less valuable than your belief that it is never true. I'm not saying things are always going to stay this way. If I treat him badly he might change, if I get ill or depressed or have an accident he might change.... But I trust that he will do whatever he can to cause the least amount of hurt to me. I trust he wouldn't have an affair say, but talk to me and leave the relationship first. My trust isn't a guarantee of lifelong happiness but it certainly is an important component of it. There are decent people out there.

Absolutely self trust/reliance is extremely important. The most important. I agree with you there.[/quote]
Where we depart may be that I think even the most decent people in the world can be weak, sometimes.

Its not really that i believe no-one can be trusted - its simply that I believe people and their feelings can change, rapidly. And that changes behaviour. People can be very decent and upstanding, but their loyalties can change with alarming speed sometimes. It just takes one unforseen event or reversal of fortune.

I felt about my husband very much as you feel about yours - many many people have and do - and he still changed, and stopped wanting the best for me. And now he is my exh. I have a new partner now and he is extremely loyal and trustworthy and wonderful- but tomorrow he might change, because sometimes people do.

I think accepting that with grace means it frees you to love more sincerely in the present. All relationships end, after all, except for the relationship one has with oneself.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I am so sorry your relationship changed with your husband but it's not fair to suggest that I'm naive to trust my husband. I'm not naive. I've known him over half my life.... 23 years, and he has never let me down. Not in any way that has damaged trust.

Other people on this thread have said " I only trust my mum".. I don't trust my mum, she is horribly abusive and nasty. My relationship with my mother is no reflection on mother's generally though. I can't say.... Ah you trust your mum now, but just wait until she pushes you down the stairs! Then you will know better!

I always remember watching a programme about a man who had a head injury and completely changed personality, his marriage suffered dreadfully as you would expect. One day he was her husband, the next essentially a stranger. I think about that sometimes.... Nothing is forever. But I choose to be the way I am because the alternative is bloody depressing. If my life falls apart from betrayal, I will deal with it as best I can. As I have always done.

I don't think you are naive @ml656. Perhaps you are better at relationships in a way that inoculates you from the things I've observed, perhaps you're wrong, perhaps you're preternaturally lucky, i don't know.

My ex MIL had a wonderful trusting relationship with her husband for 46 years and then he left her for another woman. I knew the man for 10 years myself and would never have guessed in a million years what he would do, in the end. I just believe in observing reality and making adjustments according to what I observe.

I dont find that depressing at all. I think its liberating, and frees me from future suffering, and makes me more able to love people as they are, not for what I imagine they may offer me, etc. The Buddhists have similar ideas, its nothing new really. I share these ideas with the OP in hopes that a few grains of truth will help prevent future suffering for her as well.

I certainly don't put my husband on a pedestal. He is not perfect, far from it like just about all of us.

He has faults such as being extremely untidy, he is almost always late for things amongst other things but he is a very loving and caring person with strong morals.

He gets woman trying to flirt with him sometimes. He works in peoples' houses so often it is a woman on her own there. He just carries on with his work and ignores it and then comes home and we laugh about it.

We talk about everything. We have no secrets and we are very very close. A lot of the time I feel like I know what he is thinking and I often know what he is going to say which we both find spooky. I am just so in tune with him.

I so many times pick up my phone as I know he is about to ring and as I do it rings. He never rings at the same times and not necessarily every day and yet I just know most of the time when he is going to.

Before we got married we talked at length about how important marriage is to both of us, about infidelity etc. I know we have exactly the same views on infidelity

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I'm starting to think we are never going to understand each other. When you said that your views on trust in a relationship "makes me more able to love people for what they are, not for what I imagine they might offer me" I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I have never loved someone for what I thought they would offer me, the idea seems confusing and tbh , to me it sounds controlling. I love and I trust based on who they are, not on what they give me, and not on what I believe they will continue to give me. ...I obviously have faith and hope and yes, trust that they will continue to love me as they have done. But this is based on who they are and how they have treated me in the past. However, I understand that I don't have control over anything but myself.

I hope your relationship continues to be good. I like the way I am, I won't be adjusting myself, my expectations or my relationship. If it goes wrong then so be it.

I don't think you can or should ever trust someone 100%. That's setting yourself and them up for failure.

I think you should trust your own instincts 100% and if you don't listen to them then you are one of those that trusts blindly which is a kind of weakness. We are given natural instincts to survive and to ignore them means we could come to harm.

I trust my DP and he trusts me but I wouldn't put a percentage on it. Trust can go up and down, it has to be built and earnt but can easily be knocked back. We all have to recognise this basic fact - both parties in the relationship.

I trust what I see, if he ever tells me something different to what he's showing me then I'm going to wonder why.

Only a fool trusts blindly, trust needs to be earned and proven by behaviour. Some people are very trustworthy, you always know where you stand with them. Most aren't.

Trust like many things in relationships is built up over time.

I would never trust someone blindly, however I would extend trust until I was given reason not to.

Having been cheated on in the past I would never be so naive as to think it could never happen to me in any relationship, regardless of how good the relationship/person is. That being said I wouldn’t assume it was going to happen either, but things happen and people change. The amount of times I’ve seen someone absolutely convinced their partner would never cheat utterly broken and blindsided when it turns out that in fact they did/have cheated. In my opinion, you just never know, and kind of think that’s just life. Maybe cynical or whatever, but realistic I think.

Most of these posts focus on parts being faithful. Trusting someone else covers far far more than that in a good relationship IMHO.

Having your trust broken by a partner is likely pretty high I think as there as so many little things it could be.

I completely trust my husband. In so much as it’s ever possible to have complete faith in anything, I have it in him.

I’m lucky that he has never once let me down in all the years I’ve known him, and I’m also lucky that not of my previous partners ever cheated on me or treated me badly. I imagine having total trust in your partner is much harder after something like that.