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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First birthday as a Mum

84 replies

Darcy19 · 25/10/2020 01:35

After years of trying, we finally were blessed with a beautiful baby. Its my birthday in a few days, OH is working abroad and I'm at home by myself with our son in lockdown. I explained how important birthday cards are to me and that I wanted a nice card saying mum from our son that I would keep.
He sent me a card from our son, doesn't say mum on the front, its got a picture of Boris Johnson on the front and crap about lockdown. Its something u would send to a friend. And I detest Boris Johnson yet he's on my fireplace.
I have cried my eyes out all evening, he ruined my 1st mothers day by not getting me a card and now this. I thought by being upfront about what I wanted, I could avoid being upset and disappointed, its like he sent the 1st card he seen online and put no thought into it. If I confront him he will say I'm ungrateful. If I don't, my resentment will build and build.
Am I making a big deal over this?

OP posts:
Betty94 · 25/10/2020 01:43

Oh I'm sorry OP, that's really shitty of him. It's not a card you get for a parent from their child like fair enough if he wanted to send you a jokey card but he should have gotten a nice one from your ds. If you don't think it's worth the argument maybe see if a family member can get you one or and I know this is a bit sad but maybe get yourself one from your son, depending how old he is you could take him with you and he could "pick" it for you, something you'll remember fondly. I'm sorry your partner has been a bit of a dick in this situation.

Bohboh · 25/10/2020 01:51

You're being silly. You know the card could never be from your son, he has no idea it's your birthday or the meaning of it.

Let it go. Soon enough your son will be making you lots of cards and pictures...lovely squashed salt dough ornaments too!

troph · 25/10/2020 01:52

Yes and no.... why do you need a card? I am not a card person but I understand some people love them. Just don't let it upset you, no one will understand what you want really, they weren't trying to be rubbish, just focus on having a Mother's Day and a birthday with a baby. He bought you a card which is more than my partner would do. I went abroad for my last birthday without my family because I knew I would be disappointed with the effort for me at home, they just don't have the same ideas I have really xxxx

PebblesAndBamBam · 25/10/2020 01:54

YANBU. This is a great keepsake opportunity. Put your son's handprint inside it, or let him scribble if he's old enough.

VodselForDinner · 25/10/2020 01:55

I think you’re being ridiculous.

Any card would not be “from” your son as he is a baby and does not know what birthday cards are, nor does he have the means to purchase or send one.

Why do you have to have a grown man send you a card with “mum” on it to make you feel like a mother?

PebblesAndBamBam · 25/10/2020 01:02

Just posting so I can post from the past.

katy1213 · 25/10/2020 01:07

What a fuss about nothing. You'll get plenty of cards from your son in due course; why cry over a meaningless bit of cardboard chosen by someone else?

VodselForDinner · 25/10/2020 01:08

@PebblesAndBamBam

Just posting so I can post from the past.
Grin
troph · 25/10/2020 01:35

@katy1213 I agree but she's a new mum in lockdown and her husbands abroad......
Stuff you feel , like a card, that's important to you now, won't be important or matter in a year or 2. But I understand how I felt with a young child, but must be so hard In your situation. Being a mum normally involves looking after the whole family before yourself xx

Norwolf · 25/10/2020 02:24

YANBU!!!

Its the thought that counts and the sentimental value behind it all. You have every right to feel let down because its a special moment and he has managed to fuck it up even after you spoke about it.

Maybe try and have a relaxed conversation with him, and even ask him if the card was really well suited for this moment. As a partner surely he should be able to understand how you feel with his zero effort.

beautifulmonument · 25/10/2020 02:30

It depends what his intentions were really. If he understood what you wanted and why and that it meant a lot to you and deliberately did something different to be mean than YANBU!
But it is a bit of an odd and specific request and he maybe just didn't "get it"?

Sitt · 25/10/2020 02:35

YANBU. It doesn’t matter whether other posters think it’s silly or doesn’t mean anything because it’s not directly from your son. You asked for something, something that’s really not a big request or hard to fulfill (and goodness knows Mumsnet is full of people saying you should be direct about what you want, as you have said), and he didn’t do it. It’s not unreasonable at all to be disappointed that he didn’t fulfill a really simple request from you that would have made you feel better at a difficult time

SqidgeBum · 25/10/2020 02:38

I understand what you are feeling. DH asked me what I wanted for my first mothers day. I said 'a lie in and a coffee in bed'. In reality, he ignored DD when she woke early, stayed in bed, so I got up same as normal. He got me some silly box to put "nice things" in. I dont have "nice things". I was fuming. I also spent my first birthday as a mum with a sick DD, alone for 12 hours, recovering from severe PND, and I think I got a card, but that was it.

Now, 2 years on, I see why I was so upset about these things as you just want some indication that you were considered by your OH, but you realise after a while that it's not important in the scale of things. Adult life, where you are a mom, sometimes now means both you and OH become so busy that you both get pushed to one side.

I would say speak to your OH and just let him know it upset you, but try keep a little perspective that it may seem silly to him. I hope you feel better about this soon.

rottiemum88 · 25/10/2020 02:43

If it’s your birthday in a few days, why have you already opened the card? Hmm

Either way, I think this is a bit ridiculous to be honest. How is a card from your baby a keepsake at this age when you’ll always know it was just a card your husband had to buy because babies don’t buy cards? If you really want a keepsake to remember the day, why not make something yourself with the baby?

Sounds like there’s more going on in your relationship to be upset about this, is your husband not making much effort for you generally? Otherwise I really don’t understand. But if so, that’s the issue I’d be looking to address with him, not the choice of card.

TikTakTikTak · 25/10/2020 03:12

You can turn this around, get some non toxic paint and make a print of baby's hands and feet and make yourself a card or little picture to put in a frame just for you.
If you're feeling really festive for autumn, make a "bumpkin" (orange bum print).
Dress baby and yourself up on the day for a nice photo.

DH may have been insensitive but you can do what you wanted to with baby, and you still get all the cuddles too. If DH asks about the card, tell him it wasn't what you had in mind so you did your own.

Prisonbreak · 25/10/2020 03:57

Just buy yourself a card? It will still not be from your son so no different

BefuddledPerson · 25/10/2020 04:06

I think there's a lot going on here. It's a peculiar request because the card isn't from your son, so this is to do with how you want your partner to treat you. I think it is odd to be so specific, and odd to ignore the request, and then odd to put a card you don't like on display!

Have you said 'that was a shit card'?

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 25/10/2020 04:20

OP - are you suffering with baby blues?

BadgersAreReal · 25/10/2020 06:49

I completely understand, OP.

I am also very sentimental and like to have keepsakes. It is not peculiar or unreasonable. I just wanted to jump in and say I understand why you're upset. Talk to your husband, tell him you would like him to be involved in encouraging your child to celebrate your birthday as the years go on and you would like to make a memory box.

To be honest, I wouldn't want a Boris Johnson card from anyone. Ever.

user1497787065 · 25/10/2020 07:24

I think you are being completely and utterly ridiculous. Grow up.

Edel2019 · 25/10/2020 07:30

OP your reaction sounds, on the face of it, silly and OTT.

But perhaps like has been queried, you're having some baby blues? Take care of yourself.

Fiftyand · 25/10/2020 08:27

I completely understand how you feel. As suggested I would take a photo of you and your baby and make a card. You can do handprints or draw around your babies hand.

category12 · 25/10/2020 08:40

Do you feel loved and valued by your partner generally? Or is this a symbol of how little thought and care he puts into your relationship? If he doesn't meet your emotional needs normally, then really you need to consider whether this is the right relationship for you.

As pps have said, you can do your own nice memento. Happy birthday 🎂

OhioOhioOhio · 25/10/2020 08:42

My xh became utterly evil and it started slowly with things like that. 'Forgetting' what was important to me and 'accidentally' buying me things I don't like. Keep an eye on it.

yellow055 · 25/10/2020 09:57

Wait until your little one can buy with his pocket money, choose it and write it himself be much more special.