First birthday as a Mum

[Darcy19]

After years of trying, we finally were blessed with a beautiful baby. Its my birthday in a few days, OH is working abroad and I'm at home by myself with our son in lockdown. I explained how important birthday cards are to me and that I wanted a nice card saying mum from our son that I would keep.
He sent me a card from our son, doesn't say mum on the front, its got a picture of Boris Johnson on the front and crap about lockdown. Its something u would send to a friend. And I detest Boris Johnson yet he's on my fireplace.
I have cried my eyes out all evening, he ruined my 1st mothers day by not getting me a card and now this. I thought by being upfront about what I wanted, I could avoid being upset and disappointed, its like he sent the 1st card he seen online and put no thought into it. If I confront him he will say I'm ungrateful. If I don't, my resentment will build and build.
Am I making a big deal over this?

It's clear that you're probably sensitive for other reasons than the card. Maybe the card has triggered other feelings of being let down or abandonment?
Personally I would throw the card away. I would not have that vile picture on display in my house regardless of who sent it.
In fact I would suggest writing all the feelings it's given you, write it on the card if there's space try to trace where those feelings originate from, as it's affected you so much, it might be some unfinished work you could consider with a therapist.
Then I would burn the card with all its negative connotations and your unhappy thoughts inside.
Then wash the ashes down a drain or down your plughole.

Just read the full thread and that you have one. Despite the pnd please ignore people who say crap like 'your own reaction was very exaggerated and odd' and then dress it up with a flowers emoji.
Your reaction is your reaction. Those are your feelings of hurt, sadness, let down, disappointment or whatever it is.
Just own those feelings and your reaction and maybe explore it further when you feel strong enough.
Pnd is a fucking monster. I've never recovered from it and it steals precious experiences. Plus a new baby in covid anxiety world can only enhance those symptoms.
Don't feel bad for having feelings.

I'm not sentimental at all, but I can see why you were upset. You just wanted your dh to show that he was thinking about you, so you felt less alone.
You ended up with a picture of Boris Johnson 🤮 on your mantelpiece

I can see why you were upset, ok it might seem a silly request but you could not have been more specific, nor asked for something cheaper, or easier to obtain. Go to any card selling shop, there's a whole shelf of "Happy birthday Mum" cards costing £1, he must have avoided those and searched hard to find a card you didn't want, that probably cost more.

If I were you I'd treat myself to a mini photo shoot with my baby. I did this once (not as compensation for a crap gift in my case, just something I thought would be fun).

OP, it sounds as though you are yearning for a partner who would automatically do thoughtful things such as buying the mother of his child a mother's day card? You are probably thinking that you shouldn't have to ask him to do these things, especially if you have observed other women's husbands treating them in the way you wish to be treated?
Your partner is obviously not the sort of person to make these caring gestures, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care for you.

EpochTime this is from the OP

“ I explained how important birthday cards are to me and that I wanted a nice card saying mum from our son that I would keep.”

She wasn’t expecting him to do it automatically. She told him what she wanted.

@Sitt

EpochTime this is from the OP

“ I explained how important birthday cards are to me and that I wanted a nice card saying mum from our son that I would keep.”

She wasn’t expecting him to do it automatically. She told him what she wanted.

That's why I think the OP is yearning for someone who would do this sort of thing automatically - because OP had to tell him what to do. The fact that he ballsed it up by getting a Boris card implies to me that he had no clue about what the OP really wanted. This doesn't mean he's an uncaring person, he might just not be tuned in to the OP's needs. This can happen for a variety of reasons.

She hasn’t said anything about expecting him to do it without asking. The point is, she DID ask, and was disappointed that it was ignored. If she hadn’t asked and was disappointed that he hadn’t guessed, you might have a point.

@Sitt

She hasn’t said anything about expecting him to do it without asking. The point is, she DID ask, and was disappointed that it was ignored. If she hadn’t asked and was disappointed that he hadn’t guessed, you might have a point.

I see.

Do you think that the OP's husband has tuned out from OP then?

(Sorry, OP).

FFS people this is Relationships not AIBU. Get over yourselves being so bloody superior and dismissive.
OP - firstly Happy Birthday, hope you had a lovely day. Secondly, I’d be bloody furious to get a card with Boris Johnson on it full stop as I wouldn’t want it on display. Eugghh. Let alone because you’d specifically spoken to your OH about having a card addressed to you as a first time Mum. Which basically makes him an insensitive twat. So get rid of BJ from your mantelpiece, cos no one needs to see that twat in your lounge every day. And speak to the other twat about his insensitive behaviour.
🌼🌼🌼

surely any card one is supposed to get from son to mother says MUM/Mother.mummy on in some combo?

You don't get your mum generally a generic one usually. it says mum - even if its then funny/rude.

Boris TO MUM may be okay. just boris is odd.

No idea how he managed to misunderstand you so badly. I'd be upset. can't imagine why others wouldn't be at all? its pretty much saying I DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY.

My family doesn’t tend to do “to mum/dad/son/grannie” birthday cards (on the front), but if someone asked me for one I would get it. The amount of excuses provided for this man

So I spoke to him last night. I explained how I'm really struggling with low mood etc and thanked him for the cards but said that I would have preferred the type of card that I had asked for, that I did not want to look at Boris' face.
He got very angry and said he will never get me anything for my birthday again. He hung up, sent a few nasty messages. I tried to ring him later, he did not answer.
This morning I woke up to a message saying that he is moving out when he gets home, that he hopes I find my romantic Prince charming and he will not be phoning to speak to our son, he will see him when he gets home at Christmas.
Think its time I started listening to what he has been telling me- that he doesn't give a damn.

He’s a fucking bastard.

I am so sorry OP that he is such a waste of space.

Please reach out for support IRL from family, friends and your GP/health visitor.

This has obviously been on his mind.

What a coward.

You deserve better.

Please get organised to protect your assets.

What a shameful excuse for a husband and father.

Hopefully soon enough, you'll consider this situation to be the best birthday gift you could ever have received!

What is it I’ve read here before - when someone tells you who they are, listen. He’s totally revealed his true colours.
What an absolute fuckwit.
You are going to be way better off without him in your life.
Sorry if you feel shit at the moment, but I can only think things can only get better for you.

I was just about to post that it doesn't matter whether what you want is a little silly/over sentimental etc... the point is that it's what you want and your DH is being mean by not being willing to make a very small gesture that would mean the world to you. And I was thinking that he doesn't sound great overall because this really is a tiny thing he could do for you.

Then I read your update.

OP, you're better off without this man. Not only is he a dick to you but he's clearly uninterested in your DC too. Let him go. If he says he's leaving, let him leave (because I read his tantrum not as him actually planning to leave but him trying to make you so insecure you promise to do whatever it takes to keep him, including lowering your expectations to previously unimaginable levels).

You will eventually be better off without him. Call his bluff.

I think he wants me to panic and beg him not to leave but I feel like a single parent anyway so its not as scary for me as it might have seemed had he been here helping the whole time.
I have a lot of thinking to do re where do I want to live, finances etc. Luckily my maternity leave is up next week so I will be back to work and busy and have an income.
Sad that it has ended like this but I think its for the best, he is not meeting my needs and I'm obviously not the type of person he wants either. Hopefully we can separate amicably.

This escalated really fast. It’s hard to believe that it’s only an issue over the card.

Has there been other issues in the relationship? You seem almost relieved to be rid of him, and saying he isn’t meeting your needs.
Is there more to the story?

At the same time - if you are still down with PND - are you sure it’s not the depression that’s making you feel this way.

I remember wanting to run away and leave everything behind when I had mine, not the feeling that stayed once I got treatment.

Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to? Do you have a counsellor or a GP?

I just knew he’d be a twat in other ways too. It was such a simple request and to pointedly NOT fulfil it just smack of someone with other issues.

I wonder if he deliberately got a card you’d dislike so you would comment on it and it would give him his excuse to blow up and say he’s leaving it’s all your fault yadda yadda. It sounds far fetched but it’s not unheard of that a partner wanting to leave would try to provoke the other one.

What’s the relationship like generally? How often is he away vs home? Don’t answer if you don’t want to obviously!

OP,
Take this time to get as much financial information together that you can.

Get ahead of him.
Source support and a good solicitor.

Protect yourself.

@MMmomDD

This escalated really fast. It’s hard to believe that it’s only an issue over the card.

Has there been other issues in the relationship? You seem almost relieved to be rid of him, and saying he isn’t meeting your needs.
Is there more to the story?

At the same time - if you are still down with PND - are you sure it’s not the depression that’s making you feel this way.

I remember wanting to run away and leave everything behind when I had mine, not the feeling that stayed once I got treatment.

Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to? Do you have a counsellor or a GP?

I second this.

Things escalated super quickly...

OP, your health is your priority right now. Please get the help and support you need for PND and check in with family/friends who can help

No, it didn't "escalate quickly". It was pretty obvious from the OP that this man was a dick who was already well practice at doing things that made thhe OP happy but then turned those on her. Her reference to "If I confront him he will say I'm ungrateful" was a dead giveaway that this birthday card was just the most recent in what has probably been years of this sort of behaviour. I think quite often women only come on here and post about an issue when it's just one of many examples. they know, deep down, that the behaviour is unacceptable but has been told repeatedly that they are the problem, irrational etc. And then something happens and even after months/years of being told they're wrong, they can't help realising that in this instance they really aren't. And then it all starts to come out.

I'd be shocked if this is the first time he's made such threats. Because that's what they are - threats. He doesn't really want to separate. He just wants her cowed and scared and obedient.

Its not been the 1st time I've felt that he didn't mark my birthday etc and I have explained how hurtful that is, especially since I make such a fuss of him when it's his and he's always delighted with it.
I got a lovely card in the post today signed with my sons name, its my Daddy's handwriting, and telling me to stop smoking lol. So thoughtful and much appreciated from him.
Spoke to my GP today, he wants me to come in and see him tomorrow.
I am going to concentrate on getting myself better so I can be the best mum I can for my son.