Sex when I'm not feeling great, what do you do?

[Whattheducks]

Regular poster but I've NC.

I've had an absolutely crap week physically. I suffer with PMDD and it's 'that' week at the minute. So I've had alot of anxiety, mood swings, feeling fluey.

I also have chronic TMD (also known as TMJ) which causes alot of facial pain and headache. I live with that 24-7 but it ebbs and wanes. It's bad today.

OH has a high sex drive and we haven't done the deed for 4-5 days due to the above and he is getting frustrated now and dropping blatant hints.

Do you make the effort for their benefit when you don't feel upto it or no?

Do you make the effort when you're not feeling it, for your partner/husband

Every update is worse.

Tell him to bang one off and leave you alone.

You really need an honest conversation with him. Tell him you are ill and won’t be having sex, that instead of him sulking you’d like him to support you and be be sympathetic.
His reaction to this will tell you everything you need to know.

Yes I do. DH loves it, it's important to him and it really is a need for him. He's happy and i'm happy he's happy. He does lots of things for me that he doesn't want to do because he loves me and wants me to be happy too.

Start massively pestering him for back rubs, all the time. Slipping in sly jokes. Waiting until he's tired or feels crap to nag for one. Ask when he's busy. Do a nice thing for him then stand over him with a bottle of scented moisturiser.

When I was just about to marry my ex husband my mum gave me some "advice" she said "never turn your husband down when he asks for sex and you'll be happily married for life"
Needless to say I never took her advice on board, if I'm not in the mood or I am unwell then there is no way I'm putting my self out.
No ones ever died from a lack of sex

I also have TMD so can understand how the chronic pain is quite wearing. When it flares I don't want sex as you use your face more than you realise and it can trigger pain. My DH understands this and doesn't try it on if I say no.

We have a good sex life most of the time but when it has to take a back burner due to pain or anything else he just has to live with it and vice versa.

Mistystar

If either of us feels like they don't want to have sex. Then we don't have sex.

Sex is an important part of a relationship but, but only if both partners are up for it.

He is pressuring you into sex. That is a very, very bad thing for a relationship.

A very high sex drive and no sex while you are not up for it won't cause him to shrivel and die (sadly).

To give you an idea of how a normal, kind non-abusive partner is, my dh is always up for sex but because I want it far less, he very kindly leaves it up to me to initiate most of the time. If he does initiate, it is always with the agreement that I can say a flat out no with no repercussions or we can 'have a go' and if I'm still not feeling it, forget it altogether.

At the moment we probably manage it once a week but we have been months in the past with no harm done.

Do you have low self esteem OP? Have you been abused? Would you call yourself emotionally astute? Because you sound like a woman who no clue as to what a proper loving emotional relationship should be like.

I do have a history of abuse yes, so for that reason it's probable that my boundaries are skewed.

We had sex early this morning as it just so happens that I was in the mood, but now he's trying to schedule another romp tonight when I get home from work this evening (9ish) before he heads out to work himself at 10 (he covers nights on the weekend)

He's clearly trying to get as much sex in as possible for my period starts, like a rampant teenager.

What he fails to consider is the fact my mother will be here when I get home as we pay her to mind the children whilst I go to work, when he does nights on the weekend.

So in his mind it's feasible for me to rush home from work and get home around 9, hand over from mum, sit down for a while, shower, eat and then find time for sex before he leaves for work himself when he has to be there for 10

He doesn't realise (or care) about how stressful that is.

I replied "how can we? For starters my mum will be here, I won't get home before 9, then I want to shower and eat.."

No reply to that.

I didn't realise how problematic this is because I've never spoken to anybody about it but with the help from this thread it's becoming clear. Thank you.

I’m sorry op but he sounds like a nasty little shit. You say relationships suffer from lack of sex - but we’re talking about what? 2 weeks!? It’s hardly a huge dry spell. What about YOU and your suffering? Have you thought about the emotional damage you are doing to yourself by having sex when you don’t want to? It sounds souls destroying. How can he be so uncaring and entitled, it actually makes me feel psychically sick.

Honestly no, I haven't considered the emotional toll it will have been having on me until now.

Logically I knew having sex for somebody else's benefit when you don't want it won't be good for the soul, but I put my own feelings on the back burner for the sake of maintaining harmony in the home.

Sex makes him happy and so it felt like a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. I know I'm not the only woman giving 'maintenance shags' for the sake of the relationship, so I didn't really think too much about it.

I could tell last night he was disappointed that I didn't want sex as he was quiet. Not huffy or moody, just quiet and a bit dejected. He takes it as a personal rejection, as though I'm 'just not that into him' when the truth is sex is no longer my #1 priority.

To him: sex = the relationship is going great, we are getting on well, we are close, life is good.

Also to him: no sex for a couple of weeks = we are drifting apart, I'm not interested in him romantically, I'm pushing him away, the relationship is on the rocks.

Its just not that deep to me, most often I don't want sex because I'm: anxious/PMDD, stressed, in pain from TMD etc.

I stand by what I said earlier about him having compassion fatigue. I don't mean it in the clinical sense, just that my health has been consistently rubbish and that's the new normal in here so me having a TMD flare up no longer means (to him) that sex should be off the table all of the time - because if it were, we would never have it.

That would land us (in his mind) back in rocky relationship territory again.

I'm not saying that's acceptable, just how it seems to him.

I'm beginning to realise how problematic this is.

I have a daughter and I've just been sat thinking how upset I would be if when she's an adult she ever confides in me that she's having sex she doesn't want for the sake of her partner/husband.

I would be telling her to make changes immediately or to end the relationship/marriage.

Sadly I haven't afforded myself the same level of self respect

I don't want to be a single parent but I don't want the expectation of sex unless I want it myself.

I do have a sex drive by the way, just nowhere near as high as his.

Absolutely not. I get persistent migraines and DH would never, ever, pester me for sex whilst unwell. And if I fancy sex and he’s not well, that’s fine too. Sex with someone who doesn’t really want to do it is not okay.

You mention that when you've asked for a back massage prior to sex he went quiet...is the sex you're having a 2 way street or is it all about his pleasure?

That would really fuck me off trying the pencil the next shag in straight after one. I would feel like I'm not much more than a walking hole.

I think his actions are actually making you have a low sex drive.
It makes me feel sick that he is arranging the next time you'll have sex
Frankly it's pathetic.
You need to have a serious, honest talk and set boundaries about how often he's even allowed to mention sex (at what point does it become harassment? Everyday? Twice a day? I bet he mentions it more than that)
Unfortunately it probably won't work though.
Don't believe all that sex = connectedness bull shit either. He just wants to have sex. If it wasn't you it'd be someone else.
Not a pleasant thought.

Do you think he genuinely, truly believes no sex means you're drifting apart? It sounds to me like emotional manipulation to get what he wants

OP, "maintenance shags" are, as mentioned by several previous posters, something that happens when you're not really in the mood but otherwise ok and no particular reason not to have sex, but you know you'll enjoy it once it's underway.

They are not having sex when you actively don't want to, or don't feel well enough. You shouldn't be doing that. Look after yourself.

No, absolutely not.
If one partner doesn’t feel like it then it doesn’t happen. I wouldn’t like to be with someone who pressured me sexually, especially when I was ill. It would take any enjoyment away and make me feel like I was being used. Surely he can take care of his own needs if you don’t feel like it? He sounds manipulative with his acting despondent and guilt tripping you.
Another thought is just imagine if you were to develop an illness that lasted months instead of days and didn’t feel up to sex longer term, it sadly doesn’t bode well that your husband would want to look after you. Of course we hope that doesn’t happen but I have seen it with a friend sadly, and at that point the relationship broke down at a time when she was already mentally and physically unwell.

@tinierclanger

OP, "maintenance shags" are, as mentioned by several previous posters, something that happens when you're not really in the mood but otherwise ok and no particular reason not to have sex, but you know you'll enjoy it once it's underway.

They are not having sex when you actively don't want to, or don't feel well enough. You shouldn't be doing that. Look after yourself.

This

@Whattheducks proper loving relationships don’t suffer from a lack of sex when there is a reason for it such as illness. I had an injury which meant no sex for 6 months. My DH never even mentioned it. I felt zero pressure and if he had pressurised me would no longer be in a relationship. During that time he did all the cooking cleaning and minding of the house while also bringing me cups of tea and chocolate in bed and generally caring for me.

My DH also runs me baths and brings me up a glass of wine etc. There is no expectation of sex. He does these things as he loves me!

Your DH sounds horrible. I can’t stand men huffing if they don’t get their way. It hasn’t even been a week. He sounds so pathetic.

He completely lacks respect and empathy towards you. Would you expect an ill partner to be some sort of sex machine for you? The natural reaction would be the be caring towards them and wank alone if horny right?