Sex when I'm not feeling great, what do you do?

[Whattheducks]

Regular poster but I've NC.

I've had an absolutely crap week physically. I suffer with PMDD and it's 'that' week at the minute. So I've had alot of anxiety, mood swings, feeling fluey.

I also have chronic TMD (also known as TMJ) which causes alot of facial pain and headache. I live with that 24-7 but it ebbs and wanes. It's bad today.

OH has a high sex drive and we haven't done the deed for 4-5 days due to the above and he is getting frustrated now and dropping blatant hints.

Do you make the effort for their benefit when you don't feel upto it or no?

Do you make the effort when you're not feeling it, for your partner/husband

[Trut]

No. I NEVER have sex if I am not in the mood. Sometimes I could possibly get in the mood, but prefer to do something else. And I don’t feel guilty either.

[Ninkanink]

Sex is a very important part of our relationship. I like sex a lot.

I still won’t be having it if I don’t fancy it or if I’m unwell.

Good relationships don’t suffer for lack of sex for a week or two here and there.

[AliasGrape]

No I don’t and wouldn’t - if I’m not in the mood I’m not in the mood. We didn’t have sex for the last 3 months of my pregnancy (apart from the day before my induction in a last ditch attempt to get things moving naturally - not exactly sexy) and haven’t in the 3 months since baby was born. He’s never said a word but then presumably he’s knackered too.

[LaMadrilena]

DH and I haven't done it in over a month due to my morning (all day) sickness and ongoing UTI. He deals with it. Complaining after 4 days is a bit much in my opinion...

[Mintlegs]

I would make the effort

[SoulofanAggron]

No,I don't think women should feel they have to have sex when they don't want it, for whatever reason.

If he eventually gets moody about it, (especially when you're ill, anxious or in pain) then he's not a man you want to be with.

He said earlier on he hopes we can do the deed before my period starts.

Ugh, pushy.

When I tell him in a bit that my TMD is flaring today he'll think I'm just making excuses as I have less of a drive than him.

As @Skibideebapbapbap says, just not fancying it is reason enough, anyway.

on the flip side relationships suffer without it.

Maybe, but more so if one person is a pushy, stroppy arsehole trying to pressure the person they're supposed to 'love'/like into sex when they don't want it. A relationship with someone like that (and it's only been a few days) isn't worth keeping.

[Bubbletrouble43]

If I don't want to do it I don't do it. My libido has suffered since having twins almost 4 years ago, I'm exhausted and suspect I'm perimenopausal, and we go weeks sometimes and my dp sucks it up because his main concern is that I'm OK. He would feel blessed if he only went 5 days or even a week without!

[Summerfreeze]

Oh he sounds like a creep who feels entitled to sex with you.

[Whattheducks]

I suppose he does feel entitled yes.

After a previous dry spell (pregnancy) he was talking about how I never want it.

[Franklyfrost]

Don’t have sex if you don’t want to.

If it’s normal for you not to want sex for 10 days in a row and he can’t refrain from pestering you if he goes without for 10 days then you’re incompatible.

If it’s rare for you not to want sex for that long then tell him straight that you’re not in the mood and he needs to wait until you make the move. If upon hearing that he gets a sulk on then he’s a jerk.

[Palavah]

@Whattheducks

I don't look as rough as I did yesterday so he's seen an improvement and wants to strike whilst the iron is hot. He said earlier on he hopes we can do the deed before my period starts.

When I tell him in a bit that my TMD is flaring today he'll think I'm just making excuses as I have less of a drive than him.

What is he doing to make you feel relaxed, loved, appreciated, not in pain?

Plenty of times if I'm not feeling great - ill, pre-menstrual cramps, tired, stressed - then sex does make me feel better but only if a partner has let me /made sure I feel all of the above. Hot shower, cuddle, foot massage, whatever.

Also sometimes a bit of a wank when I'm not in the mood will make me feel better. Sex is a bit trickier though because you're not always driving the pace.

[Whattheducks]

We were compatible for the first few years, then children came along followed by PMDD and other health problems.

My sex drive has slowed down alot, largely due to the above, and his has stayed the same.

That is problematic because now we have a life together, children, joined finances, a home.

I do usually make the effort but sometimes I just don't want to.. like today.

[Whattheducks]

He took me out for breakfast this morning, a nice gesture.

He ordered a takeaway this evening so I didn't have to cook, another nice gesture.

He does do kind things don't get me wrong.

He'll run baths with candles and such like.

I have noticed though.. as much as he expects sex, sometimes if I say I'd like a back massage first he falls silent for 10-20 seconds as though it's an inconvenience but he doesn't want to say as much.

[Boeufsurletoit]

I'm surprised you can fancy him at all with that behaviour. Pestering for sex is unattractive at best. He's showing you what matters to him, and what doesn't.

[Anotherthink]

Sex is important in a relationship but 5 days when one of you is sick is hardly a drought.

[Franklyfrost]

People with mismatched sex drives can be happy together. Most people do have slightly different desires.

Does your partner need physical non-sexual contact from you to feel loved or happy?

He can have a wank (if your feeling generous you could assist) and sort out his lust. But often sex about connection and you can find other ways of being intimate but only by taking about it. Have you discussed any of this with him or are you silently pestered and he’s silently rejected?

[Mylittlepony374]

No. I don't have sex if I don't want to.
And I find it weird that any man would know their wife wasn't well and still try and push the issue; why does he want to have sex with a lesss-than-fully-enthusiastic partner?

[Plussizejumpsuit]

I have anxiety and a few other non major conditions which can make me feel rough. Or the meds I take can make me feel rough! I have quite a high sex drive but when I'm not feeling good it's the last thing I want.

I think sex can be put on the back burner in a long term relationship. So making the effort can be one way to keep sex regular and I ould always enjoy when I'd made the effort. But I really only think this should be done if you're feeling OK or good physically and mentally.

It's really not ok just to have sex so you don't get sulked at. And sulking because you don't get sex isn't ok.

[Roselilly36]

TMD is absolutely awful, I suffer with it really badly on occasions, so no wonder you don’t feel like sex. Don’t be bullied or pressured into it.

[Isthisit22]

Erm, it's been 5 days. If you're worried about your relationship being rocky because you haven't had sex for 5 days then that is very sad. You sound very pressured and a loving relationship shouldn't be like that

[Samedaysameshit]

My wife has health issues fibromyalgia being the main issue which makes sex uncomfortable so we don’t.
It’s as simple as that.

[Justmuddlingalong]

He said earlier on he hopes we can do the deed before my period starts.
So apparently your lack of sex drive is an issue, but his crappy chat up lines and verbal foreplay isn't. Fuck that.

[roarfeckingroarr]

@Chasingsquirrels

If I don't want or feel like sex I don't have sex.
If I was feeling as you describe I'd expect my partner to be solicitious and caring, not to act frustrated.

This x 10

[MJMG2015]

Kind gestures or manipulation??

I have quite a high libido but your DH makes mine clamp shut.

I'd rather clean the guinea pig hutch out than have sex with someone like that.

You deserve better. Yes it's complicated when you have kids/house/shared finances, but that can be sorted, it's not a good enough reason to stay together for the next 39/40/50 years!!

[SoulofanAggron]

After a previous dry spell (pregnancy) he was talking about how I never want it.

He's manipulative.