Sex when I'm not feeling great, what do you do?

[Whattheducks]

Regular poster but I've NC.

I've had an absolutely crap week physically. I suffer with PMDD and it's 'that' week at the minute. So I've had alot of anxiety, mood swings, feeling fluey.

I also have chronic TMD (also known as TMJ) which causes alot of facial pain and headache. I live with that 24-7 but it ebbs and wanes. It's bad today.

OH has a high sex drive and we haven't done the deed for 4-5 days due to the above and he is getting frustrated now and dropping blatant hints.

Do you make the effort for their benefit when you don't feel upto it or no?

Do you make the effort when you're not feeling it, for your partner/husband

[GarlicSoup]

@TikTakTikTak

Mmm, a sulky partner. Just what a woman needs to get her in the mood...

Tell him to go reacquaint himself with his hand, it won't hurt him to not have sex while you're unwell.

^
This

[CatsAndEyeliner]

I know he's not entitled to sex and it's not his right, but on the flip side relationships suffer without it.

Going a while without sex really shouldn’t mean that your relationship suffers - I’d be wondering what kind of relationship I was in if this was the case. And the answer would probably be not a very secure one.

[Lollypop701]

I get making an effort in a relationship, and sex does matter. I was going with that until you said he stutters when you ask for intimacy that takes effort from him and he gets no immediate payoff. Plus his comments when you were pregnant, not always comfortable. Finally you actively don’t want too, not a case of cant be bothered. It’s not fair that you have to prioritise his sexual wants over your physical (and emotional) needs. You need to have a frank discussion

[throwaway100000]

Aww, I feel sorry for you

I used to get awful TMD - I have had Botox, which was a godsend as this is no longer an issue. My boyfriend was really understanding and wouldn’t pressure me into sex (not that this really impacted my sex drive tbh). He could see that I was frustrated and looked after me. Tmi but if anything, we used to have a laugh at the thought of my dodgy/locked shut jaw attempting to give a bj! He knew that wouldn’t be happening as I could barely open my mouth!

I think you need a proper chat with him and be clear that you are unwell and his constant initiation of sex is making you feel pressurised and uncomfortable.

[Shoxfordian]

He's trying to manipulate you
If I don't feel well then my dh looks after me, he would never hassle me for sex like this

[MaeveDidIt]

That's awful.
Be assertive and just say NO!!!
He's a self-centred asshole putting you under so much pressure.

[FerrisB]

No. I've done the not feeling in the mood but otherwise ok sex. I will not have sex if I'm not feeling in the mood because I'm ill. Fuck that.

[Tempnamelady]

If you have TMJ, I’m surprised you ever feel like it, I had one attack of what was suspected to be trigeminal neuralgia and I wanted to die the pain was that bad. If he’s being arsey then he’s a complete cunt .

[widespreadpanic]

Yuck. I can’t understand a man that sulks when he doesn’t get sex. Like his duck will shrivel up if he does get it. It’s so unattractive.

He sounds manipulative with all the candles and baths and whatnot but a back massage makes him pause. Tells you really what he’s all about

[LeaveMyDamnJam]

He is disgusting.

[Piwlyfbicsly]

I feel like making an effort to make your partner/spouse feel better will eventually lead to growing resentment towards them and it’s not worth it.

[huuskymam]

If he was any way decent, knowing you had a bad week, he wouldn't even be considering pestering you.

[Dashel]

Being sick or in pain is completely different to a I’m not sure if I can be bothered but oh go on then feeling.

There is no way if I was in pain DH would want to have sex with me or I would want to have sex with him. It’s an act to bring us closer together not to hurt each other.

He would get dinner, whatever I fancied and sort out hot water bottles, blankets, baths etc not be trying to get his leg over.

[SingingSands]

"I know he's not entitled to sex and it's not his right, but on the flip side relationships suffer without it."

Not after a week.
You're not feeling up to it, so it doesn't happen.

[LookMoreCloselier]

Why can't he just have a wank, the selfish arsehole.

[Coffeeandcocopops]

So you are not feeling well and he gets a takeaway so that YOU don’t have to cook. How magnanimous of him.

[Whattheducks]

Thank you for the replies.

I guess I never viewed it as manipulation (referring to taking me out, little gifts, running me baths etc) moreso just nice things that couples do for one another.

However if i reflect then there is pretty much always an unspoken expectation of sex following these things, so maybe you're right and it is.

I have made a rod for my own back with this as I will make an effort to have sex when I don't always feel in the mood but I saw that as investing in the relationship / maintaining that side of things so that we don't end up in a drought as we have before and drift apart.

I definitely think he has become desensitized / has compassion fatigue where my health is concerned because it has been consistently crap for a while now.

If I'm right and that is the case then that's shit.

He has been pushing me to book in with my osteopath for the TMD (on him) as occasionally that helps but can also make it worse temporarily which I don't want to deal with at the minute.

If we never had sex when I'm not totally excited about it then we would probably never have sex.

I do often feel obligated but that sense of obligation comes from within myself because I know it's a priority for him and as I said, investing in the relationship.

Sex aside, he does alot for (and with) me and our children and there are alot of happy times but i do wish he had a much lower sex drive.

[IdblowJonSnow]

No.
He can have a wank. You're not a receptacle for his penis.

[RantyAnty]

Send him off to the GP. There's tablets that will lower it right down.

[Ninkanink]

It’s nothing to do with a high sex drive - it’s selfish entitlement and a lack of genuine concern for you.

[myhobbyisouting]

he "has compassion fatigue" so you have to let him put his penis inside you when you don't want to?

"Compassion fatigue" is not a thing. How disgusting. He's bored or tired of caring so therefore gets to just do his business and carry on with his day. Awful

[Deadringer]

We usually only ever have sex when we are both in the mood, i have made an effort a few times when i wasn't really feeling it, but never when unwell. For me, sex is something fun and pleasureable that we enjoy together, it would really take the joy out of it if i felt i had to perform, or give a maintenance shag or bj that i have read about on here. It helps that my dh has never, ever huffed and puffed or sulked if i say no, tbh that would really put me off him, and sex, if he did..

[tobee]

Why can't some men work out that sulking and pestering makes them less attractive and therefore less likely to have good sex? Is it that they just want any old sex? If so, how depressing!

[anon444877]

Most long term relationships have ebbs and flows in this, pregnancy and small kids is hardly ever a sex high point. Surely he knows that you never get someone in the mood by making it a chore and setting obligation expectations.

Sorry you're struggling with feeling unwell, tell him to back off and concentrate on your health. I don't suppose stress and the pressure to perform is helping your wellness.

[abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz123]

No. If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex. If you're feeling pressured into having sex, then it's a form of sexual abuse. If your husband is a normal person he will be okay with you not wanting to have sex. If he isn't then he's a creep and you should leave him.