Getting married again but kids refusing to attend

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my fiancé and I are thinking we should make the most of this Covid situation (it certainly works in our favour financially!) and marry under the current rule of max 15. We could include both families with no issues and no politics re inviting x, y and x. Yay!

However, my boys (10 and 13) are both saying they wouldn't be comfortable to attend. It's breaking my heart.

They both have an excellent relationship with my fiancé but my narcissistic ex-husband has told them that should they attend that would be highly disrespectful to him.

Bit of background... We are divorced and will have been separated seven years in January. Very acrimonious split. He has a fiancé also (age gap of 18 yrs) and they have been together for around four years also, the same sort of time my fiancé and I have been together. I don't think they have any immediate plans to marry. No kids together and no plans for any apparently. My fiancé and I have a baby daughter together, she is almost five months.

Advice please!

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

In that case I wouldn't tell them full stop because they WILL tell your ex and he WILL try and use that against you.

I also wouldn't tell them it was happening. Too big a risk.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

But then ultimately my boys have again been made to suffer at his hands? I know deep down they want to be there to share the day. To make memories. Because one day their grandparents will be gone. As will their mum who loved them more than life itself.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

I had an ex business partner that used to start an almighty row the night before I went anywhere. It made me very late for one holiday as I left the office in a rush and left my passport behind. So had to go and pick it up first thing only discovering it was there that morning.

So I stopped telling anyone (or emailing) but the next time he did it I realised his sister was a facebook friend so stopped saying anything. It worked as he never knew.

These pricks are so calculated. But you can get them if you have the law on your side. What he's doing is parental alienation. Prove it robustly enough and take it to the right part of SS or the court (carcass) he could be facing a serious problem. Since he's taking you to court anyway you probably could do it with minimal cost as long as you have excellent proof and know what buttons to push with the relevant people.

I'm sure you've thought of all this. These people are just appalling. I used to fantasise about putting something in his tea.

[mamakena]

Plan to do the wedding during your regular time with your sons. Don't announce it in advance. Play it down as a 'family celebration day' or some such mundane thing. Make it a wedding in everything but name, even on cards. I.e. gaslight a bit It's how you deal with these vindictive controlling ex types, with their own tactics. Don't let him steal this moment from your kids. Even if they're angry at first, in future they'll be glad.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

You need to be a bit more devious and determined. You're letting him rule you - what about throwing a few curve balls of your own? Making up bullshit so he runs out and spends money on a solicitor only to look like a cunt? Getting proof and going after him hard for parental alienation which is a BIG no no in the court system.

I think the profound effect his abuse has had on you needs to be addressed. You sound utterly defeated and you need to be very strong. You also sound (I'm so sorry to say it) a little self pitying. Which will make you less believable vs him. I know from personal experience people hate a victim and will kick you when you are down - but will cheer you on and back you up when you are back up. And sadly that includes your children who really need to see you as competent and in control as well as nurturing and loving.

So do whatever you can to get yourself on form even if it feels like a sticking plaster. If you need antidepressants take them. Or up your dose if you already are. Take up some kind of sport. Try the relaxing things like yoga/meditation etc and see what takes your fancy. Try other free things like EFT (google it) or even hypnosis videos on YouTube.

And sort out some kind of wedding that can be attended by the important people in your life including them it do not tell them or anyone else so the ex doesn't know to sabotage it. Instead make up another event for a different date and let him fuck that up.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

If you did not tell the kids until you arrived at the registry office, and got changed into your dress there, would they refuse to go in and call their dad to tell him and pick them up? If they agreed to watch the wedding and their Dad found out how would be punish them ? Would they be grounded, no treats no seeing friends when they went to his place? Also are they planning on going to his wedding ? Surely it should be both or neither? Have you asked them if they think it's fair that Dad wants them to go to his wedding but not yours ?

[OhioOhioOhio]

What an excellent post pp.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

In terms of every other weekend contact for how will that work if the court said you could only see them every other weekend but the 13 years old wanted 50 50. If he kept trying to come back on busses because he wants to see you would ex just keep the doors locked ? 13 onward is a teenager and even if ex wins and you get every other weekend he will have to convince the teenager that he only wants to see his mum every other weekend or he'll have to keep the boy locked in the house to stop him doing what he wants.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

Honestly if they go to your wedding and ex finds out and punished them badly then wins in court do you think the 13 year old will think ' great I'm only seeing mum once a fortnight. I'm bring constantly reminded I betrayed dad by going to mums wedding and I have to live with dad full time. I'll never get on a bus and go back to mum, even though she have me a prepaid travel card'

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Thehouseofmarvels Obviously I can't say for sure as it's only heresay from the kids, but their dad isn't getting married any time soon, they just wanted to be engaged. Something about he's said about having a prenup put in place but she's not keen?

I would encourage the boys to attend if they were and share the day.

I just feel like I need to stop bowing down to my ex and not having them at the wedding feels a bit like I'm doing that?

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

And I'm sorry but who the FUCK does he think he is dictating that they can't go to your wedding but must go to his. I hope you've got rock solid evidence of that because it will make him look like a grade A cunt in court, which he is.

Really, even giving that airtime is a perfect example of the sort of ridiculous nonsense you should be shutting down, what message are you sending your children by allowing that to play out? Do you actually believe if he goes to court and says he wants full custody and he isn't allowing them to go to your wedding that the judge will think "Oh ok that's fine let's give him the kids.".

Tell your children it's ridiculous and hypocritical and he does not own you or them and what you choose to do with them when with you is none of his damn business. They are children so stop letting them be part of these decisions.

And get all the mad shit he says IN WRITING. A text will do. Just fire off a text saying I've heard that you are saying x and it's unacceptable. Let him rant like the unhinged prick he is and there you go.

He will of course attempt to be cunning and phone you but don't answer. His arrogance and inability to control his anger when he thinks he's losing control will be his downfall. It always is.

My ex business partner took me to court and couldn't help himself behaving like a twat. And he is a charming, well educated posh boy who is highly credible. They just can't help themselves.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl You're right, I think some time to myself would be really helpful. It's very difficult as baby is fully breastfed and going through a clingy phase but I might speak to OH about it. What I'd give for a bit of a break!

I am fighting but it's been seven years and it's very wearing. Especially with such little sleep at the moment!

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

OP I just feel like I need to stop bowing down to my ex and not having them at the wedding feels a bit like I'm doing that?

Because that's exactly what this is. Don't back down and get proof. Seriously, enough, surely!

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Don't know how I get proof? I mean I have texts but solicitor says can't use in court. Same with video/phone recordings etc.

[dottiedodah]

It always surprises me when people say they in the "wrong" for getting married to someone who later turns out to be an idiot! They will always show their best side thats obvious .Its only later on we find out what they are really like .You have done nothing wrong here at all! (Unless you are Mystic Meg and can foretell the future FFS!)

[Thehouseofmarvels]

@Nicknamegoeshere

Well I know a little about law my brother is a trainee solicitor and kinda teaches me bits.

He will be wanting a pre nup to stop the new fiancée from getting her hands on his assets if they split. After splitting with you he probably has made it clear he doesn't trust her.

Sadly for him pre nups are not particularly legally binding in the uk, they are more of an American thing.

He will probably realise this at some point so perhaps they won't marry who knows.

Hopefully they won't as it would be awful for the kids to have been forced by him into not attending your wedding but still attend his. He will have forced them to hurt you by doing that, as you'd be upset when they went off to his wedding, and so probably wound they. That's the sort of difficult position they will remember being put in all their lives.

If he does successfully bad them from your wedding but not his do bring it up in court when he does for full custody.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

From my boy. See below. His dad stopped me from seeing them from the day before mothers day and I had to get an urgent court hearing. Ex told them that if they saw me when I was pregnant I'd get Covid. And so would grandmother. Then we would all potentially die:

I don’t want to come back as I’m worried about you and the baby and I don’t want anyone getting ill because of me.

(Can't use as evidence).

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

You need sleep and a break. Don't ask tell. "Here's the baby I need to have a nap."

Have your nap, be lovely but not grovelling about It (it's his bs h too after all) and make it a regular thing. Once you have a bit of your sparkle back he will get it.

You should be getting at minimum 30 minutes - 1 hour with no children or demands every day. Every second day if not and a couple of hours either Saturday or Sunday. Sounds like a crazy pipe dream? It's not. No sleep will ruin you.

As for 7 years... I know. I had 12 years of almost every day head fucks. It wasn't until I utterly defeated him he stopped. My only regret is I didn't do it sooner and I didn't shoot to kill the first time. I wanted to be a decent person.

But guess what? I still am. And he's nowhere in my life or business. His life is probably pretty shit but he has no one to blame but himself. You are in a cage with a tiger. It's you or him as he will NEVER co exist with you.

You could go after him with everything and it would not make him one bit worse because believe it or not that's how these things work.

You must have more than enough to bury him. Just do it.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

You can give it to cafcass though. Or social services. Its parental alienation and it's abuse and they have all seen a hundred men like this before.

What a shitty thing to do to a kid.

You need to tell the world and shame him. You need to report him. And you need to get proof so send him a text right now saying how 'concerned' you are that he is using Covid in this way.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

@Nicknamegoeshere

Remember the amount of time left where the 13 year old can be ordered to live where they don't want to live is limited. What does he want ? Can you find a way to get the court to listen to him ?

[Anderton]

I would find a solicitor that specialises in parental alienation.

[Dery]

I’m puzzled you have been told you can’t use the texts as evidence. That sounds wrong to me but I’m not a family lawyer (I am a lawyer). Do you understand the explanation for why you can’t use them?

[Lilac95]

You need to have a serious chat with your boys. I was 12 when my father remarried and my and my Sister didn’t attend. Not due to my mother’s wishes but as he was a terrible person. But my mother sat us down and told us it was our choice she wouldn’t be angry or hurt. I think you need to tell them that when they are with you they can do as they want, go the wedding etc or not if that’s their choice but that they mustn’t not do something because they fear a parents reaction. And the child that’s reporting to your ex needs a serious talking too! How awful! And I’d be taking my eldest son that my child has a name, if he wishes to stay away that’s fine but she is not an it.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

The problem is that before baby was born son was so badly brainwashed and fearful that he didn't "want" to come home and was saying he "wanted" to spend more time with his dad. Classic PA tactic. Was told the baby was "going to be born a retard" as I was "too old to be having a baby" and so on. That he would be entirely neglected etc...

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Dery Something to do with confidentially? We have a phone recording of his grandma telling him to let the family dog out onto the main road so he could run away, shouting that I'm a terrible excuse for a mother and that she feels sorry for the baby but again, can't use.