Getting married again but kids refusing to attend

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my fiancé and I are thinking we should make the most of this Covid situation (it certainly works in our favour financially!) and marry under the current rule of max 15. We could include both families with no issues and no politics re inviting x, y and x. Yay!

However, my boys (10 and 13) are both saying they wouldn't be comfortable to attend. It's breaking my heart.

They both have an excellent relationship with my fiancé but my narcissistic ex-husband has told them that should they attend that would be highly disrespectful to him.

Bit of background... We are divorced and will have been separated seven years in January. Very acrimonious split. He has a fiancé also (age gap of 18 yrs) and they have been together for around four years also, the same sort of time my fiancé and I have been together. I don't think they have any immediate plans to marry. No kids together and no plans for any apparently. My fiancé and I have a baby daughter together, she is almost five months.

Advice please!

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op Go ahead with your plans of getting married, and later down the line sometime in future,whenever your sons change their minds,you have also have got the option of doing a renewing your wedding vows ceremony, this can be obviously either be a smaller wedding ceremony or same scale as the original wedding or on a larger scale whatever you wish for and can afford, Where there is a will there is allways a way around things,! I really can't stand your ex husband he sounds like a master manipulator, brainwashing your sons who are obviously at impressionable age, i totally understand why you got shot of him, he obviously still got real issues with that and that you have moved on and are happier with a better quality man by your side, I am glad i have been able to help with a bit of advice so your ex husband can suck on some bitter lemons that you have thwarted his attempts at sabotage and trying to put a massive ball wrecking yours and your family happiness through marriage.

[doubleaces89]

From my perspective it appears there a lot more going on with your elder child than the influence of your Ex.H.

You've been separated for a long time, and he was a young child when this happened, so you would have thought he would have adjusted better. He's still only 13 (and it's a difficult time), but his mind has matured a little, so i think there appears to be some resentment issues going on.

Do you have a good relationship with him? Speak to him frequently? What's your fiance like with him?

[OhioOhioOhio]

I don't think of get married yet. My xh is also a narc. His behaviour towards the kids is that they are is collateral damage. Get in touch with the school and find out what help they can offer.

[cravingthelook]

I wouldn't worry about getting married just now, you and your fiancé can wait a wee while longer. The baby is still young.

Instead I'd be finding a good family counsellor and taking your boys to help them. You need to repair some damage, especially with the eldest and show him you still love him, he needs a blue print of how to interact with family members in a healthy way and he's not getting that from his ex. You need to act now or he's essentially going to follow your ex's patterns of behaviour. He's also going to miss out on a very important relationship stage with his sister. Calling his sister 'it' is troubling me.

[michelle1504]

Are you the same woman who posted months ago about your absolutely horrific, narcissistic ex? I can't even remember the exact details but I was horrified at reading it. I recall he was making your life hell. Something about one of the kids said he didn't want to hit you as he would harm the baby. And there was police involvement?

In regards to the kids, it's a hard one. If let them know that if they don't want to attend then that's ok. Let them know that you will support their feelings as opposed to hounding them like their father. Do not let your ex control you by postponing the wedding.

Good luck.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

The Courts have been appalling. They screwed us all up seven years ago when they didn't listen to the abuse I'd suffered and ruled 50/50. I have asked for family therapy as I think it would be a brilliant idea, but obviously at 13 my son would need to consent to participation. Which he won't do as that would get him into trouble with his dad.

[Sssloou]

Is your DS 13 already in one to one therapy? Have you had therapy? It might give you some respite and strategies to cope right now. How are things going with your new baby girl, DS 10 and DF - I hope that you are all salvaging plenty of joy, love and hope with the new addition to the family despite your xH desperate efforts to sabotage?

[Sssloou]

There is a lot to be gained in your own therapy in how best to interact and manage DS 13. Even if he isn’t present.

[cravingthelook]

Agreed with @Sssloou I wish I'd gone to therapy years sooner, as it helps me in my interactions with DD1

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Yes, we've both had extensive therapy (separately). I find it helpful but only to a point. I still struggle with the fact he is allowed to abuse. My biggest regret will always be that I didn't stay until he hit me. I think things would have been much different if I'd have waited for that.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I'm trying so hard with my new baby but I have to accept I'm not a good mum. If I was I wouldn't have lost my boys for half of the time. I mean I can hand on my heart say I've always put them first but the reality is that wasn't enough. I've failed them.

[Embracelife]

#My biggest regret will always be that I didn't stay until he hit me. I think things would have been much different if I'd have waited for tha#

No it wouldnt
Why would you think that?
You made the right decision

[Embracelife]

You hsve notlost them
You have them 50 %

[Devlesko]

Tell your ex that your kids won't be seeing his gf at all as it's disrespectful to you, as you are heir dm.
Unless of course it's court ordered, in which case just keep telling them that not going isn't disrespectful to their dad, and they'll miss out on two weddings of their parents, and dad is silly, isn't he.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So it's currently 50/50 but he is taking me back to court so I would just see them EOW. Pure revenge. Also he'd get a huge kick out of the fact that I (earning around £13k pa) would have to pay him (earning well in excess of £100k pa) mainentance. He's told the boys it will come in useful for when they go to uni.

50/50 has caused the very strong bond that was one between myself and the boys to weaken and also has given him the power to brainwash. He won't let me speak to them at all except for between 6 - 7pm on a Weds when they are in his care, and even then he conveniently sets up a hot tub party in his garden/goes out for dinner etc.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Devlesko Yes, court ordered 50/50 since 2014.

[Strangedays20]

I remember your previous threads and it’s a lot more complicated than your boys are refusing to attend your wedding.

Tbh I would put it all on hold until your children are older. How would it help matters in any way to get ready now? Can you at least wait until you have been to court?

[Strangedays20]

*get married now I mean

[Nicknamegoeshere]

And if he'd have hit me I would have had the bruises to prove it. They wouldn't have let him have 50/50 then, @Embracelife?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Strangedays20 I'm just thinking from a legal perspective if something were to happen to me? My OH wouldn't be able to pay the rent on this place on his own. I mean I know he'd never see the boys again and neither would my parents, but I'm thinking about him and my daughter.

[june2007]

To be honest when they are in his care I don,t think you would need to be calling them, does he call your house much?
50/50 doesn,t mean you have lost them.
You do sound a bit unreasonable mentioning the age gap between ex and new partner if they have been together for 4 years.
Plan the wedding as if they are coming and let them know that their is space for them.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

(Our daughter)

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@june2007 He calls them very frequently. He tells them I'm being unreasonable re bedtimes etc.
I only mentioned the age gap it as I believe it suggests his controlling nature. He enjoys having a much younger partner whom he can "keep'.

[june2007]

Then you need to set a time for him to call like he does for you. If he complains then point out hypocracy. (Well I half expect you have done this already .)

[Strangedays20]

Can you make a will or do something legally to protect your partner financially?