Getting married again but kids refusing to attend

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my fiancé and I are thinking we should make the most of this Covid situation (it certainly works in our favour financially!) and marry under the current rule of max 15. We could include both families with no issues and no politics re inviting x, y and x. Yay!

However, my boys (10 and 13) are both saying they wouldn't be comfortable to attend. It's breaking my heart.

They both have an excellent relationship with my fiancé but my narcissistic ex-husband has told them that should they attend that would be highly disrespectful to him.

Bit of background... We are divorced and will have been separated seven years in January. Very acrimonious split. He has a fiancé also (age gap of 18 yrs) and they have been together for around four years also, the same sort of time my fiancé and I have been together. I don't think they have any immediate plans to marry. No kids together and no plans for any apparently. My fiancé and I have a baby daughter together, she is almost five months.

Advice please!

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

Brilliant guidelines here

knbp.co.uk/parents-who-have-successfully-fought-parental-alienation-syndrome/

US but looked interesting slyfoxinvestigations.com/blog/howtoproveparentalalienation/

cordellcordell.com/2017/4-tips-fight-parental-alienation/

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/
Ring them and have an off the record chat if you can. Say you are concerned but you don't want to start anything without the right grounds. Be reasonable, not self pitying or victim-y, and be clear you are concerned about THE children. Do not say MY children.

www.onlymums.org/information/recognise-deal-first-stages-alienating-behaviour

There's pages and pages of this stuff. Become an expert in how to win this. It's not hard, he's not that clever and if you are truthful and fair it will become obvious. As for his mother 😮😮

[Thinkingg]

@Nicknamegoeshere

Yes, we've both had extensive therapy (separately). I find it helpful but only to a point. I still struggle with the fact he is allowed to abuse. My biggest regret will always be that I didn't stay until he hit me. I think things would have been much different if I'd have waited for that.

This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that no-one in power is helping you.

[duggeeismynewbestfriend]

You can use texts in court and recordings.

I don't understand why your solicitor would say that. Can I also say that you require a barrister to do your hearings.

Someone who is a specialist in the presentation of evidence at trial.

[AlreadyGone44]

I remember your last thread. When I live women suffering for DV can get free legal aide, not sure if UKs the same but I'm wondering if this is helpful as an Ex can still commit DV if you might be able to have him charged with something or get free legal help. I checked and UK an ex can be charged with DV offences. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/
And as PP suggested I'd speak to SS, ask about parental alienation. Does your lawyer have experience with DV and parental alienation? If not it might be time for a new one. Another option maybe I know people who have gotten a baristar to represent them to good effect, but they did all the legwork and the baristar just represented in court to keep costs down.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@duggeeismynewbestfriend Yes I have a barrister representing me in court. My solicitor does the prep, my barrister is direct access so represents me in court.

@AlreadyGone44 I am told that I categorically do not qualify for legal aid sadly. This means that I am having to use all of my divorce settlement, which was set aside to buy a property after years of renting, to pay to fight once more for the children. Money for my ex is certainly not an issue. We now cannot afford to even consider buying.

I honestly cannot believe that I am in this position and worse still that we are all suffering. I just can't get my head around it.

As I say, experts are now involved but I have little faith. The amount of times I have asked for help from so many authorities I honestly have lost count. This includes the police who say his coercive control is a "civil matter."

The reality is I have to accept that as long as I am alive I will be a part of his vile game.

I can't help but regret leaving and not being quite strong enough to endure what I was going through in my marriage. At times I'm not sure which was worse - our life then or now.

[Dery]

“Something to do with confidentially? We have a phone recording of his grandma telling him to let the family dog out onto the main road so he could run away, shouting that I'm a terrible excuse for a mother and that she feels sorry for the baby but again, can't use.”

I still don’t understand why that excludes the evidence. Family proceedings are private. But your lawyers will know the rules so if they say they can’t be used, they are presumably right.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op you could secretly arrange under guise of a family meal out at a posh upmarket Resturant as a treat, get your your two boys to think you are all going to a fancy Resturant so need to dress up smart attire they would amagine like the idea of going to a Resturant (but secretly you arranged with hubby and make sure everybody swears to secrecy but instead of it being a family night at at Resturant it is your wedding, they your two boys will only know when they get to where ever your wedding venue will be at its a surprise wedding that your ex husband will not know anything about at all, as even your children will not know until they get there at this very speacial event...

[DC3Dakota]

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi Op you could secretly arrange under guise of a family meal out at a posh upmarket Resturant as a treat, get your your two boys to think you are all going to a fancy Resturant so need to dress up smart attire they would amagine like the idea of going to a Resturant (but secretly you arranged with hubby and make sure everybody swears to secrecy but instead of it being a family night at at Resturant it is your wedding, they your two boys will only know when they get to where ever your wedding venue will be at its a surprise wedding that your ex husband will not know anything about at all, as even your children will not know until they get there at this very speacial event...

THIS!!! Exactly what I was thinking

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Aw thanks all. We've decided to put it in hold because it looks like Covid restrictions are just going to get tighter, and I don't want to put my boys in yet another impossible and uncomfortable position.

We are aware that when Covid restrictions are finally lifted all of the registrars and so on will be inundated, so guess we will have to wait.

It is what it is