He’s trying to ghost me?

[Emmalanexxx]

Me and this guy have been seeing each other for 5 months now, been speaking for 8. I really didn’t expect it especially after my prev relationship but I fell head over heels in love with this guy. He’s so kind, handsome and affectionate, I have felt so comfortable with him and he always keeps me laughing. I can honestly say I’ve never fell so hard for a man before, our personalities just clicked instantly and he did cute considerate things no one has ever done for me. He ticked every box other than he has drama with his daughters mom every now and then but I haven’t got involved in that to know the ins and outs, just they don’t seem to get on.

Anyway, last week Wednesday he asked me to see him as normal (we’ve been seeing each other pretty regularly) and we had a good time, I came home and we were texting as normal up until Sunday mid day. I text him and instead of getting a response a normal amount of time later, he messaged back at 10PM, then we had a brief convo, said goodnight and instead of a usual morning text the next day, I got one message at 5pm and never heard off him after. Then yesterday he messaged me in the morning, I sent a message at 2PM and he has replied now this morning. This behaviour is OFF, he isn’t busy with work and these aren’t the days he’s had his son either so I can’t figure out the reason. I haven’t addressed the issue with him only vaguely asked if everything’s ok to which he said it is. The way he’s turned cold on me has upset me and had me feeling pretty low, I feel as though I was on this massive high because of him and now it’s all crashed suddenly.

His message this morning is short, is a response to what I said yesterday and then asks “you ok?” So my question is do I either tell him what I’m thinking, if so how?, not address it and play cool for a few more days or just ignore the message? I usually never let a guy get the best of me, I just really allowed him into my life and allowed myself to get such heavy feelings for him and now I feel horrible to be honest.

I experienced this. We were so good together for months and then the slow fade with no discussion. I watched him withdraw, didn't chase him with texts. Mirrored him completely.
After about 2 weeks, a friend suggested that the next time he sent a lame text I should say 'let's have a drink'. He jumped at the chance. I asked him why it had ended, what had changed. He didn't give an answer or want to discuss it. I suspect it wasn't working out with the new interest (online or real life) and he had a space for me on his back burner. I left that pub and brushed him off.
Hugely disappointing, but he wasn't the guy for me after all. Nobody who does that is good enough.
This was about 10 years ago.
OP, I doubt he'll tell you the truth. It's disappointing, but try to go a different direction now. Keep busy, make plans with others.

How's it going OP?

Hey everyone, just reading all your responses now... update on the situation he messaged this morning and said he’d been thinking of me and asked how I am.... beyond confused. Haven’t responded yet as I’m unsure if this is just a text to see if he still has control over me or if he’s being genuine.. What do you guys think?

Thanks so much for your responses also, they're really helping me xx

OP I've been following this thread .
I've had this happen to me it's horrible .
Please don't respond . He's caused you upset for no reason , he will do it again . He's testing the water because so many of us chase and you seem to be not playing his game and it's unsettled him.
Do not respond x

You need to go radio silent. It's the only way to gain control back and see what his intentions are. If he doesn't hear from you he will start needing you. He has no reason to right now as you are at his beck and call. People value things they have to worker harder to 'get'

@Emmalanexxx

Hey everyone, just reading all your responses now... update on the situation he messaged this morning and said he’d been thinking of me and asked how I am.... beyond confused. Haven’t responded yet as I’m unsure if this is just a text to see if he still has control over me or if he’s being genuine.. What do you guys think?

Thanks so much for your responses also, they're really helping me xx

personally I'd ignore him. Do you really want someone who things they can keep you hanging on like a puppet on a string?

Jump and see how high etc? No. Game players are the absolute worst

Text back that you feel something has changed, wish him all the best for the future and no hard feelings. He will either double down or you'll never see him again, but it can show him hes overplayed his hand if it's a control thing.

I chased for over a year and always replied to these phishing texts. When I look back I used to get ignored then similar to what you have received. I always went back....accepting crappy crumbs.

Take control....ignore. if he has good intentions you will know.

Agree totally with veraismyspiritanimal

He’s been thinking of you and wondered how you are! How gracious of him! It think it’s time to pull the rug OP. Take control. Personally I wouldn’t ignore and play the cat and mouse game. I would be much more decisive. As @okeydokeywokeyblokey said text him to say you feel things have changed therefore you are ending it. I know it’s hard but coming out of this with your dignity is important for your self esteem and ability to go forward with dating.

It’s your birthday imminently? Has he suggested anything to celebrate? If not, he’s not into you!

OP.. just ask him.. it’s been days now and he’s living rent free in his head. Wouldn’t you rather know?! And why the hell are we so worried we will look crazy when men wouldn’t bat an eyelid saying oi moody what’s up with you this week life is too short.. ask him!! Say oh that’s nice to hear your thinking of me as I feel like you’ve been distant this week so it’s confused
Me abit! We are allowed to ask questions regarding our feelings! Xx

Rent free in your head**

@Emmalanexxx

Hey everyone, just reading all your responses now... update on the situation he messaged this morning and said he’d been thinking of me and asked how I am.... beyond confused. Haven’t responded yet as I’m unsure if this is just a text to see if he still has control over me or if he’s being genuine.. What do you guys think?

Thanks so much for your responses also, they're really helping me xx

Honestly, you sound as bad as each other with the game playing. Just ask him where things stand.

I must be showing my age now because I honestly do not understand the responses that you should ignore a nice message.

He knows what he's doing, sounds like game playing to me and very immature.

Ignore him OP. It isn't game-playing - for those who referred to it as that. Why? Because he dropped contact intentionally, knowing it would leave the OP confused and disappointed. He hasn't apologised or explained. He hasn't asked her where she'd like to go for her birthday. 5 months people! He knows her well, they were close and he dropped interest. I would bet my last pound that he's been messaging or meeting someone else. He didn't drop OP for a life of celibacy. These pathetic how are you texts are him keeping tabs on the OP in case he needs a fall back.
IGNORE

I agree with PP don't initiate and do NOT organise a meet up. If he isn't giving you want you want then just move on. Better to end it after 5 months than be treated like this for 5 years.

Personally I'd reply "I'm a bit confused actually. You've gone from messaging me frequently to hardly messaging at all with no explanation for the change. Is there a problem I need to be aware of or are you trying to say something with your lack of communication?"

I agree, he’s throwing you a few crumbs to keep you on the hook. This relationship is sadly done and this could be the the start of a long and slippery downward slope.

Personally I would take back the control, and I WOULD message him, because I think ignoring him, unless you are able to draw a line under it now and give him no more headspace is playing games.

“Hey xxx, you seem to be fizzling me out, and I am really disappointed that you don’t have the balls to let me know you’re not that into me anymore, it’s ok to change your mind, it’s not ok to be spineless”.

Then I would walk away.

That's a great message above!

I've been here and the trouble with the messages that call him out on his behaviour all put the power back to him. 'I'm disappointed' or 'why are ghosting me' to him = I'm gutted and crying into my soup because you are god's gift to women and I need you....
Whereas, no response and he knows he had f**d this up and she isn't playing ball.
Notice it's all texts too. He has been seeing her 5 months. He could call and get out a quick apology and ask to see her. That would be what he'd do if he was actually interested and wanted to salvage the relationship.

Oh god yeh, I learned the HARD way how painful it is to sit around waiting for some guy to deign to connect.

I messaged a man saying ''I feel like you are blowing hot then cold and mixed messages are not for me''. I heard nothing back. No attempt to say ''omg, no I'm just busy!''. He didn't call me up. Just nada. He felt busted, cos he was busted. So that was that. It was upsetting for a while and then I thought, thank God I ripped the rug out from under that because I have been through it too many times now. The next guy I went out with (covid kind of killed us mind you) I met him in rl, but he would say ''i can't type fast enough, I'm ringin you' and there was never any long gap between our communication. No second guessing.

@OwlOne

Oh god yeh, I learned the HARD way how painful it is to sit around waiting for some guy to deign to connect.

I messaged a man saying ''I feel like you are blowing hot then cold and mixed messages are not for me''. I heard nothing back. No attempt to say ''omg, no I'm just busy!''. He didn't call me up. Just nada. He felt busted, cos he was busted. So that was that. It was upsetting for a while and then I thought, thank God I ripped the rug out from under that because I have been through it too many times now. The next guy I went out with (covid kind of killed us mind you) I met him in rl, but he would say ''i can't type fast enough, I'm ringin you' and there was never any long gap between our communication. No second guessing.

Nice one @OwlOne! Even though he didn’t reply, it was clear that you were the one in control of how it ended. To me this is better than waiting around to see what crumbs they will throw your way.

So he finally texted. Maybe he is hoping for some sex this weekend.

I'd just delete and block him and end his nonsense.

Thanks for all your responses, I’ve done some soul searching over the past few days and faced some realities.
He doesn’t like me as much as I like him due to the poor lack of communication for days straight. When I like someone (which is rare) I have the problem of being TOO reasonable, I try to see 2 sides to the story and sometimes dismiss how things made me feel.
It’s been weeks since he actively tried to get my attention and really worked for it so I think he has taken me for granted. I’ve sat and thought to myself why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t really want me. I shouldn’t have to work to get someone’s attention and it seems as if this is what the situation became, I want someone to treat me like a priority. If this turned into a relationship his hot and cold behaviour would give me anxiety And to be quite honest I do not need the stress.
If I look at the situation face value, yes he is handsome and we had lovely times together but he comes with a lot of baggage and if he’s going to come along with that he needs to really be worth it.
I think I just needed a few days to mope about the situation but I’ll 100% be okay. I forgot my worth for a little while.