He’s trying to ghost me?

[Emmalanexxx]

Me and this guy have been seeing each other for 5 months now, been speaking for 8. I really didn’t expect it especially after my prev relationship but I fell head over heels in love with this guy. He’s so kind, handsome and affectionate, I have felt so comfortable with him and he always keeps me laughing. I can honestly say I’ve never fell so hard for a man before, our personalities just clicked instantly and he did cute considerate things no one has ever done for me. He ticked every box other than he has drama with his daughters mom every now and then but I haven’t got involved in that to know the ins and outs, just they don’t seem to get on.

Anyway, last week Wednesday he asked me to see him as normal (we’ve been seeing each other pretty regularly) and we had a good time, I came home and we were texting as normal up until Sunday mid day. I text him and instead of getting a response a normal amount of time later, he messaged back at 10PM, then we had a brief convo, said goodnight and instead of a usual morning text the next day, I got one message at 5pm and never heard off him after. Then yesterday he messaged me in the morning, I sent a message at 2PM and he has replied now this morning. This behaviour is OFF, he isn’t busy with work and these aren’t the days he’s had his son either so I can’t figure out the reason. I haven’t addressed the issue with him only vaguely asked if everything’s ok to which he said it is. The way he’s turned cold on me has upset me and had me feeling pretty low, I feel as though I was on this massive high because of him and now it’s all crashed suddenly.

His message this morning is short, is a response to what I said yesterday and then asks “you ok?” So my question is do I either tell him what I’m thinking, if so how?, not address it and play cool for a few more days or just ignore the message? I usually never let a guy get the best of me, I just really allowed him into my life and allowed myself to get such heavy feelings for him and now I feel horrible to be honest.

I would be a bitch and say "Ohhh I see, it's like that is it? The 'slow fade' wow. I thought we were past that stage and respected each other way more than that. I stand corrected!"

Yes I agree it’s not positive signs of anyone I’d want in my life long term which is a real shame, I put so much into the relationship with him but that’s my fault I guess.
I’ve been thinking maybe it could be because it’s my birthday the end of this week? He maybe doesn’t want things to progress things with me and because it’s my birthday he thinks maybe I’d expect something from him the way we were before so he’s distancing himself before it comes around? I don’t know, just an idea but... there’s no use my even thinking why anyway.

Has he been in touch?

Mine hasn't and I keep checking my phone. You have a good attitude, I wish I could think I didn't want him anyway.

@notsurewhattodo22 honestly my attitude fluctuates! Most of the time I’m having flashbacks to last week and us being so happy and it really takes me back and upsets me... how are you feeling?
And I heard from him last night We had another brief convo but then but he didn’t text me back, it’s not on WhatsApp so I can’t see that he’s read it but of course he’s seen it as I sent the message around 7PM

Yes, it does sound like a slow fade. I've been there too sadly. Was seeing a man last year for 5 months. Things were going great, saw each other as much as childcare would allow, lots of messaging, went to an amazing gig together (a big one he knew I wanted to go to and went to the trouble of sourcing tickets etc).

I went away for a few days with friends and his messaging noticeably declined and then when I got home he asked if we "could talk". I had got the hint by then so knew what was coming but it was still out of the blue and upsetting with no real reason.

I am glad he had the decency to end things with a telephone call though, rather than just ghosting me after the slow fade.

I definitely wouldn’t address it with him. You know what he’s doing. He’s drawing away from you. You probably won’t ever know the reason as hell just say he’s busy, my guess is that he’s talking to other women online and one has become more of a favourite.

I'm still quite sad really. Everything you sre describing happened before I confronted him...not being in touch, not replying to messages but saying he was 'busy'.

You can just tell can't you...but then wonder if you are imagining it.

I'm not sure if you should say something or not really.

Some friends of mine keeps saying to address the issue to him but I don’t think I will. I just think nothing that I have done has changed, I am still the same person I always have been with him and it is him who has switched on me therefore it’s on him to explain this to me or not. I don’t want to chase him because it shouldn’t be this difficult, I do honestly feel really let down disappointed but that’s to be expected. I saw potential in him but upon reflection I’m realising I do deserve a lot better... it’s just upsetting that someone you cared for could treat you this way.
@notsurewhattodo22 exactly, you know when it’s happening. By the second day I knew something was up and friends of mine said it’s only been 2 days etc but in my gut I knew his behaviour had changed. It is really difficult because you want them to be honest but truth is he most likely isn’t going to be so confronting the issue won’t even give the answers we want

A slow fade is sometimes done so that the man doesn’t have to commit himself to ending things completely. Maybe his head has been turned by someone else, a slow fade means he could pop back up with a crappy excuse for his silence if things don’t work out with his new target. Or maybe he’s just lost interest and a slow fade keeps his options open just in case he starts to miss your relationship or sex etc. It’s so pathetic but so common 🙁

This is one of those crappy situations where you have to grit your teeth and remind yourself about what behaviours you want in a man, including communication style and how they treat you.

And then you have to stick to it and be prepared to tell him to shove it if he pops up again.

I personally don't agree with asking him what's happening because in my experience it sets a tone of you doing the 'work' to get the two of you to reconnect - when he is the one who has caused the disconnection.

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but I’ve experienced exactly what you describe when something has happened to make him jealous. Eg I’ve mentioned an ex in passing.

@Lampan @BuffaloMozzerella when and if he messages me back, I don’t think I’ll be responding. I know for a fact he’s free today and hasn’t thought to check up on me.

@Sacredspace I’ve thought this but I’ve literally gone over everything that I’ve said to him on the Sunday and the conversation was so normal. I don’t even show an interest in other guys and I’ve never mentioned a guy to him but it would make sense if that was the case :/

@Emmalanexxx it could be something about his attachment style. Were there any other red flags? Or did he take something you did as rejection? Eg you took a little longer than usual to reply to him/weren’t available to meet up etc? Just shooting in the dark!

Yeah no need to reply. Though a friend of mine recently experienced a slow fade and she took matters into her own hands and just text the guy and said she realised what he was doing and was disappointed he didn’t have to courage to admit it and end things. I respected her for taking the reins and putting an end to things, which meant he didn’t have the option of popping up later with a shit excuse.

I personally don't agree with asking him what's happening because in my experience it sets a tone of you doing the 'work' to get the two of you to reconnect - when he is the one who has caused the disconnection.

This is so true

Oh I hated the slow fade, the anxiety that went with it was awful. However, constant messaging and texting sometimes can’t be sustained. He might feel comfortable with you now so is just unconsciously stepping back to breathe and reassess everything. He has children and a separate life to manage too. Become a high value woman and only give back what they give out. Put your phone away and get on with your life. When my boyfriend did this after 8 months I stepped back so far he nearly lost me. He was snowed under with work and stress of Covid and this is how he managed it. We are ok now but it also reminded me to never over invest and nurture your own personal life and keep it full.

Don't engage in games, you need to set your standard and be hard about it.

I would just ask him? Are you trying to end this? Why has your communication changed? I’d even call him so I can hear him squirm.

If you don’t want to outright ask him, just stop replying to his messages. He doesn’t mind doing it to you, and see if he double texts to see why you haven’t replied. Or if he just leaves it there.. then you know

Can you not just text saying something along the lines that you sense he is losing interest therefore you are going to end it. If that’s not the case, then it will give him a jolt to explain himself and be more communicative. If he is losing interest then he’ll admit to it and agree with ending it. Either way you are in the driving seat! Dignity intact!.

You say he has a daughter and a son? As you said further down in your post, it's not like he was busy/these are not the days he's had his son. So does he have two children from different relationships? I will probably get shot down for saying this, but it makes me wonder what he was like in these other relationships, as to his behaviour now changing with you. Of course it could just be a blip, and he has been genuinely busy, but time will tell.

OP, completely sympathise with how you are feeling at the moment, I think many of us have been there. It’s not nice feeling rejected and confused like this, especially after a period of a “high”.
I would definitely not start playing his game, I.e. leaving long gaps between texts and not addressing the elephant in the room. This pull-push dynamic is painful and if stretched out long enough, very soul destroying. I think the only way forward in this scenario is openly communicating your concerns/needs. They are valid. He may have an avoidant attachment style where is is currently pulling back/retreating as you have hit a point in your relationship where he feels uncomfortable with the level of intimacy, may be freaking out about about the intensity of everyday texting etc. If he is an avoidant (apparently 25% people have this attachment style, mainly men, interestingly), he may not be able to meet your needs anyway in the long run (especially if your attachment style is/veering towards insecure anxious) and you’re better off finding out now. The only way of finding out is open communication.
Read “Attached” by Amir Levine. I think they should teach this at school - basis of all relationships, explains so much and can save a lot of heart ache.
Or Thais Gibson has many helpful videos on YouTube about this (eg m.youtube.com/watch?v=Eph9Z96NF4E) and how attachment theory explains the way we conduct ourselves in adult relationships. I know not everyone is into psychology but I think definitely worth a watch/read the book above if you are trying to make sense of inter-human interactions. It’s quite eye opening, really.

I may be off and there may be a different explanation for your guy blowing cold at the moment but thought I’d contribute with what I have found most helpful muddling through relationships as an adult . Good luck.

Oh, and just to add, please try not torturing yourself with overanalysing your last meet up, whether you did/said something wrong etc, I’m pretty certain it’s not you .

I know this sounds odd, but you DONT know this guy.

You KNOW this.

You’ve known this bloke for a few months. That’s not enough to know anything of key importance together

I’ve been there, getting the hope up, telling myself this is “it” only to have crashed and burned

That hurt is more about me than than the relationship or him. 8 months is nothing in relationship terms. Sure it’s not a hookup but anyone can pretend to be anything for a waaaaay longer than 8 months and you’ll not find out what really lurks behind the facade

If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship, you’ll know this all too well.

So I got to the epiphany that I wouldn’t even count a relationship as anything serious until at least 6 months of regular time seeing each other in real life. Only then would I start to take life with this person as significant

Then I’d revisit at a year and then see where we were etc (all of this in my head, he’d know nothing of this of course) but no expectations no responsibility on that person to make my life better/happier etc, that’s on me.

This guy ISNT going to last, he’s not the one for you but he IS a lesson for you. So take these people who present themselves in your life as an opportunity to grow and learn

You absolutely WILL be ok, sure it hurts, but that’s YOUR disappointment about YOUR expectations

You can do this, so eyes tits and teeth, head up and walk tall. You deserve a real man not a bloke who gets bored and slinks away.

I seem to be seeing it a bit differently to most posters. You both seem to be playing it cool, you mention a lack of contact but you haven’t contacted him either. I wouldn’t be keeping it breezy, going silent or playing another game. I would just ask if there is anything wrong. If there is then so be it, might as well know as soon as possible.