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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is It Ok to Not Meet Up?

38 replies

minibreakams1 · 19/10/2020 21:26

Hi guys,

I posted a while ago about a break up I went through....I looked for advice on the best way to go about things after a three year relationship. Things were quite bad between us and I've ended it and have been moving on. In the past couple weeks we haven't spoken but today he messaged asking would I meet him tomorrow. I know from past experience the reason he would want to meet is to 'check in', make sure I'm ok and look like the good guy. I've asked for the reason he wants to meet and he didn't have one. I find myself quite bitter about how I'm still dealing with the fall out of the relationship (I've had fertility issues since and have had many hospital appointments since) while he is happily moving on and I'm not sure it's good for my head to meet up.

Can I be honest and say I don't want to? We still have stuff belonging to the other but he hasn't looked for his yet, I know we will have to sort that out at some point. I think seeing him would mess up my head and take me back to how bad things were before. Any advice is much appreciated, thanks xx

OP posts:
usernamewastaken · 19/10/2020 21:40

You've answered your own question: "seeing him would mess up my head and take me back to how bad things were before."

You don't need permission to refuse his request.

Original poster
minibreakams1 · 19/10/2020 21:45

Should I be honest about my reasons? How badly he hurt me etc. or simply make an excuse?

OP posts:
Dery · 19/10/2020 21:50

He’s an ex. He’s in your past. You don’t owe him anything (except his stuff back at some point). You don’t need to explain or excuse yourself. In fact, do NOT explain or excuse yourself. Just say you don’t feel like meeting up right now. That’s all.

If he mentions wanting his stuff back, you can say you’ll assemble it and let him know when it’s available for collection.

usernamewastaken · 19/10/2020 21:51

You don't owe him anything so you can be as equivocal as you like, or detailed with your rationale. You're a grown up; you get to decide how to deal with this. If you think he'll react to your words and that will 'mess with your head', then simply put: don't explain to him why you don't want to meet, a "no" is enough. Do what is right for you.

Dery · 19/10/2020 21:54

You might also want to ask yourself why you think you need permission to tell your ex you don’t want to meet up. The only person’s permission you need is your own.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/10/2020 21:54

I wouldn't admit that meeting him would mess with your head. If things were bad at the end, he knows that already. I would just say, "no thanks, there's no point."

Original poster
minibreakams1 · 19/10/2020 22:20

Thanks. I have a lot of attachment issues with this guy and have found this really hard over the past few months. I have found myself wanting to be kind towards him and trying to be nice so I think that's why I was agreeing to meet but I just think I would get upset or we would get under the skin of the other

OP posts:
Original poster
minibreakams1 · 21/10/2020 20:56

I made an excuse about how I couldn't meet up and he has since texted again to ask me to meet up. Can I simply ignore this text or is that bad behaviour? I just really want to bury my head in the sand over him. Maybe it's better if I get it over with and see him but it gives me a lot of anxiety

OP posts:
Eekay · 21/10/2020 21:00

You don't need to "get it over with" because you simply don't have to see him at all. Full stop. You know it would be painful for you so just don't do it. Personally I would block him as you clearly need to move on. He's upsetting you.

Original poster
minibreakams1 · 21/10/2020 21:02

Is it ok to just not reply?

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2020 21:02

Of course it's fine to ignore him, you don't owe him anything.

Alternatively tell him to stop contacting you.

Or block his number on your phone and block him on social media.

You don't need to make excuses. He's an ex. You don't have to have any kind of contact with him. You don't have to be friends. That's what the end of a relationship gives you, freedom from the twat.

You can cut him out of your life completely and I suggest you do.

TicTacTwo · 21/10/2020 21:08

You're not with him so prioritize your feelings over this and ignore/block.

Thanks
Dontbeme · 21/10/2020 21:08

Ask yourself OP why he keeps making contact when he knows it hurts and confuses you? He told you he has no reason for wanting to meet up, so what is his game, to keep stringing you along, an ego boost for him to see you struggle to get over him or something else? Whatever the reason it is not a good enough one to keep yourself stuck in this cycle, do yourself a kindness and ignore whatever game he is playing, you don't need excuses to not meet him, a simple "I'm busy" will do. If he insists just tell him to email about collecting his stuff when convenient for you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/10/2020 21:10

Just say ‘Hey, I don’t really see any value in us keeping in touch any longer but I wish you well. Take care! :-) ‘

Job done.

Palavah · 21/10/2020 21:11

He's not respecting your wishes/boundaries so don't worry about being 'rude' by not replying.

Kinkybutkind · 21/10/2020 21:58

“No thanks” or better still what @AtrociousCircumstance said!! In the meantime, collect his stuff together and then YOU decide when and where he collects it, at a time that works for you

booboo24 · 22/10/2020 08:32

I would probably bite the bullet, ask that he brings your stuff and you'll take his, swap it over and then that's it, you won't have the 'stuff swap' hanging over you, and then you can cut all contact with an end to it in your head. You may just be delaying the hurt by putting it off now.

If however you really can't face one last meeting now then of course its OK to not go, like others have said, you owe him nothing

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 22/10/2020 08:39

Please look into the Freedom Programme. You need to work on your boundaries. You are fretting about not seeing a man you're not in a relationship with and asking 'is it OK if I don't see him?' Why would it not be OK? Why do so many women feel they must be 'nice' at the expense of their own wellbeing?

nomdeplume2019 · 22/10/2020 09:54

You do not want to meet him nor do you have to reply
Get his stuff sorted as soon as possible get it returned even with help of a in between person and move on
Block his number he is a ex remember it is ended.

TiggerDatter · 22/10/2020 10:12

Not replying is rude and not something I’ve ever been able to do. But a reply along the lines of ‘to My mind it’s time we stopped being in contact now. We need to swap our stuff though - I was thinking of leaving yours at (mutual friend’s) next week. Let me know when you can leave my stuff there abd I’ll collect it at some point. Wishing you all the best ‘

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2020 10:47

“No thanks, my preference is for no contact. Any future attempts to gain my attention, will be ignored.”

Job done, you’re welcome!

DianaT1969 · 22/10/2020 10:49

OP, please give your head a wobble and do the Freedom Programme, as someone suggested. This makes uncomfortable reading. You must take ownership of your life. It's yours. You please yourself. Nobody else and definitely not an ex. Answer him with one word. No. Drop his stuff at a mutual friend's or tell him it will be outside your home at a particular time for collection.

Original poster
minibreakams1 · 25/10/2020 17:36

I ignored his Wednesday message and felt much better after doing so. Looking back, I've had anxiety over this person for a long time.

He texted me about an hour ago saying 'Hey, don't know why you didn't reply during the week. Hope you're ok, let me know if you want to meet this week'

OP posts:
wishingitwasfriday · 25/10/2020 17:39

I would reply saying that you don't see the point in meeting up and that you'd rather he didn't contact you again. That way you won't be wondering if/when he'll get in touch.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/10/2020 17:45

Op pack up his stuff. Work out where you can leave it for him
Send a message to tell him that
Then block
You know that meeting him will be bad for you. So don’t do it. Just having him message you is messing with your head. Don’t let him do it. Take back control over your life. Do the things that make you feel happy and secure. Avoid things that make you feel the opposite

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