Ignored after confronting upsetting behaviour

[Realitea]

SIL launched into a big tirade at dh the other night which really upset us both. It’s not the first time either. The problem she has this time is that by ‘sticking to the rules’ (regarding Covid) we’re damaging our dd’s education. (Dd recently had Covid symptoms so couldn’t go to school until test came back clear)
There is a lot of background to this and we’ve had accusations before for many things that don’t make sense/aren’t true.
I decided to finally stand up to her and sent a message which was polite but firm, it said I do not tolerate this kind of behaviour and we are good parents doing the best for our dc.
It went completely ignored. We next got a message changing the subject, no reference to what I said. Now I feel even more hurt that what I said has just been ignored, I was expecting an apology really. Now I feel that to them, I’m not even worth acknowledging. At least I had my say. How would others take this?

You need to start looking into finding a house near to school, work and public transport. At some stage you need to start driving lessons, unless of course there is a reason you cannot drive. Being so isolated and without access to a car you are pretty vulnerable. Also speak to a Divorce lawyer ASAP to find out your position regarding custody of the children, particularly as he is the "house husband" and presumably their main care giver. You need to find out where you stand if you divorce him (which I hope you will do) as he sounds like a pathetic weasel and a mummy's boy to boot.

I agree. There aren't any houses available near to work and school. I will keep looking and ask to be put on the contact list at the local letting agents if anything comes up. I was about to start my driving lessons and dh was going to buy a car which won't happen now. So living near to everything is the most important thing now. I contacted citizens advice this morning, haven't heard back yet. Although he did the school runs, I did everything related to the care of the dc's He has never lifted a finger. I would get home from work (only working school hours) and get straight to housework, bathing the dc's, cooking, tidying, putting them to bed, then often start on my second job on the computer. I obviously have no proof of this but I hope the fact he is the one who takes them to school doesn't go against me.
If he threatens to go for full custody or the majority of custody, I will be absolutely broken. I've done everything for this family. I genuinely don't think he would look after them properly, he wouldn't cope. There have been times I've had to shout at him to get him to wake up because he's stayed up until 3am drinking on a school night and then we have no choice but to get in the car with him just to get to school. He then goes back to bed for a while, while I work. It's actually been awful for a long time.

You sound so strong. You’re amazing. Get yourself legal advice and really work towards that home closer to school - then you’ve solved your main problem as a sole parent. Your kids will miss you and want to be with you soon anyway, however much his family spoil them. Keep calm, the future will be easier without this bunch of manipulative liars.

Thanks, I think I'm stronger than I realised. The DC's have been texting me and seem happy so that's helped and I'm glad his family are letting them contact me without any problems.
I've found a solicitor online but I'm wondering if mediation is where I should go first? I'll email them anyway.
Let's hope a house comes up soon in the right area!

The solicitor might suggest mediation anyway, but contacting them should help you feel stronger and him realise that he’s actually fucked up big time and might lose his own family if he’s going to trot off to mummy every time there’s an argument. He might actually pull his head out of his backside and notice that his bossy, bullying behaviour isn’t going to do him any favours.

He sounds like an awful waste of space OP.
Are you sure you want him back?

I think he’s so brainwashed by his mum that he’ll never come round to realising. Now I’ve seen him for who he is, we can’t stay together because I know we will never come first.
It will be awkward until housing is sorted out. He’ll have to sleep in the spare room and I’ll have to put on a happy face for the dc’s

Wow! Incredible turn of events going from a happy little family to this madness in a matter of days.

I'm sure you had your reasons for posting the message in a group chat but I'm not sure I understand why you didn't just drop MIL a text to say your post wasn't aimed at her.

Hope you get the help you need.

I know, massive turnaround within hours!
I think that’s why I’m still in shock.
I think it would’ve made little difference if I’d sent it directly to sil, the problem is that I stood up for myself. It was really obvious it was aimed at sil because she was the one shouting at dh and they were all there to see that as it was a group chat when she did it. Despite that, sil was straight on the phone telling mil that it wasn’t as bad as it looked and she was actually angry with him for posting something on Facebook. I didn’t want my reply to get twisted in the same way. Adults arguing about Facebook is so petty.

If I had text mil to tell her it wasn’t aimed at her I would probably be accused of making things worse as dh had already told her that and she wouldn’t believe him.
I think when he left it was to ‘worry me’ and show me how badly I’d acted, not intending for it to be permanent. When I acted so quickly it shook him up and now he’s probably confused that his tactic didn’t work and he’s even more angry. They’ve all handled a simple act of a grown women standing up for herself, very badly.

Ah, I see so the whole thing happened in a group chat and SIL presumably CAPS LOCK'd him and you jumped in and now everyone including DH say you were the one in the wrong? What a carry on, they all sound crazy.

Definitely time to see a solicitor.

It was a zoom type thing and she was shouting and accusing while the others looked on. Dh was very upset. He was in tears. I supported him. The other sil checked he was ok but the one giving the abuse didn’t. Now he’s at her house, has left dc with mil! as though nothing happened so he’s obviously used to being abused and controlled. I’m not!

@Realitea

I know, massive turnaround within hours! I think that’s why I’m still in shock. I think it would’ve made little difference if I’d sent it directly to sil, the problem is that I stood up for myself. It was really obvious it was aimed at sil because she was the one shouting at dh and they were all there to see that as it was a group chat when she did it. Despite that, sil was straight on the phone telling mil that it wasn’t as bad as it looked and she was actually angry with him for posting something on Facebook. I didn’t want my reply to get twisted in the same way. Adults arguing about Facebook is so petty.

If I had text mil to tell her it wasn’t aimed at her I would probably be accused of making things worse as dh had already told her that and she wouldn’t believe him.
I think when he left it was to ‘worry me’ and show me how badly I’d acted, not intending for it to be permanent. When I acted so quickly it shook him up and now he’s probably confused that his tactic didn’t work and he’s even more angry. They’ve all handled a simple act of a grown women standing up for herself, very badly.

You have this OP.

You sound extremely clued in and you have the measure of him.

He stropped off thinking you would panic and get back in line.

He must be indeed shocked by you taking back control and not allowing yourself to be bullied.

Have Women's Aid got back to you.

Moving closer to work and school is the way to go.

He has chosen his path.

He is a waster who contributes very little to the home, you work AND do everything in the home.

The quay thing is to reach out as much as you can for support IRL.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

My god OP, what the hell. I can't get my head around her shouting about your child not going to school because she had covid symptoms...did she want you to send her in without test results?

You will be well out of it, this is a "run for the hills" scenario if every I heard one.

It certainly is! I will try women’s aid again now. Good idea. Sil said a child should go in to school with Covid symptoms!

@Realitea

It certainly is! I will try women’s aid again now. Good idea. Sil said a child should go in to school with Covid symptoms!

Don't hesitate to tell them what led to this situation.

You are following the rules and being abused by your husband's family for doing so.

OP, I think you will look back on this time and be glad to put distance between you and your husband and his family.

He sounds like a weak waster.

He is weak. He would rather stand with the bullies and than stand up to them.
I haven't been able to get through but found a local place that does the same so I've sent them a long email with everything in it.
It is so quiet here alone, I hate it. I want the DC's back.

How are things with you today? Did you get anywhere with Woman's aid?

I’m working today which helps. It stops me dwelling on things too much. I didn’t get through to them but contacted a local thing which does the same thing. Hopefully they’ll reply tomorrow.
I found myself crying for ages last night. Not having the children is heart breaking. And not knowing what they’re putting in the children’s minds is even more worrying.
I told some friends aswell and they’ve been really supportive.
I was up all night worrying the dc’s will be taken off me because i reported him but I spoke to a friend who is a social worker and they assured me it would not come to that at all and they will be my advocates. Thank goodness for that!

When are the children due back OP?

You need to see your DH as being v selfish - v happy to up-end your DC live and you because he is unable to tolerate YOU intervening with the two bullying women in his life - it’s not that HE can’t stand up to bullies - it’s that he can’t even tolerate YOU standing up to bullies - that’s controlling as well as cowardly.

I agree completely. He's said he'll bring them back tomorrow night. He said he will also return home but isn't ready to discuss anything yet. I said alright as long as he doesn't raise his voice and acts normal so the children don't get upset again. It could mean discussing what happened (I'm not interested any more it was such a non event I have no idea why they're hysterical and have no interest in their reasons) or it could be to discuss splitting up. It gives me time to speak to the local support group anyway which is good.
I've been analysing it all today while at work. He's grown up being controlled/bossed around and he has said before how he lived in fear of MIL as a child, he's always needed me to do everything for him, he's sort of 'helpless' really. His whole family have never cut that tie with him. When I first met MIL, the first thing she said to me was 'he's useless'! Because it's all he knows, he sees any other way of thinking as a threat. I think deep down, probably so deep that he can't see it, he is still terrified of them. I don't want our children growing up thinking they can't speak up so I will keep setting a good example to them to show them they are also strong females who stand up for themselves.

How are you Op, did he bring the children home Monday night?

Hi! Yes he did and he’s been home since but we haven’t discussed anything. Just very distant but polite as the dc’s are there and we don’t want any further upset
I would not be surprised if his sister is pushing him to try to fabricate things about me now for revenge. I’m more worried about his family than him as he just does what they tell him to do.
I’ve got a solicitor now

Excellent OP.

Expect nothing from him and you won't be disappointed.

He is never going to have your respect, how could he, he hasn't any respect for himself.

Protect yourself and your children above all else.

You are a wonderful strong woman and mother.

That's a good point. He has no respect for himself so I can't expect any.
Thank you for telling me I'm a wonderful strong woman and mother. Despite having times in the past week where all I've done is cry, I do feel stronger now and I don't have time for people who don't respect me.