Ignored after confronting upsetting behaviour

[Realitea]

SIL launched into a big tirade at dh the other night which really upset us both. It’s not the first time either. The problem she has this time is that by ‘sticking to the rules’ (regarding Covid) we’re damaging our dd’s education. (Dd recently had Covid symptoms so couldn’t go to school until test came back clear)
There is a lot of background to this and we’ve had accusations before for many things that don’t make sense/aren’t true.
I decided to finally stand up to her and sent a message which was polite but firm, it said I do not tolerate this kind of behaviour and we are good parents doing the best for our dc.
It went completely ignored. We next got a message changing the subject, no reference to what I said. Now I feel even more hurt that what I said has just been ignored, I was expecting an apology really. Now I feel that to them, I’m not even worth acknowledging. At least I had my say. How would others take this?

I'm just reading this open mouthed @Realitea... it just makes no sense that any of them would react in this way. Your DH obviously has some deep seated issues.

Just take it a day at a time and hopefully he will realise what he's risking throwing away. He definitely needs counselling though!

for you

I'm open mouthed at the whole thing too! DH has a big issue with not being able to stand up to anyone. It would seem he cannot even stand up for his wife. He's always been told what to do by the others in the family but this takes the biscuit.
Now it's in his head that I caused the problem and by upsetting MIL, I've caused a big row. All I did was say politely that I don't take to unkindness and stand up for myself and dh. It really isn't my fault that MIL is upset, she doesn't have anything to do with it. Weird.

MIL is deliberately causing drama OP.

She sounds like she's trying to distract from SIL's rudeness and muddy the water.

It is not your responsibility if MIL wants to take offence about something that didn't involve her.

That is HER choice.

You have no control over it.

They are a band of bullies, trying to get you back in line.

Your husband cannot be forced to choose his children and wife.

That is his choice.

He will have to live with the consequences.

Do not allow him to confuse the issues.

His sister was rude and intrusive.

You told her it was not acceptable.

Anything else is bullshit and nothing to do with you.

Be very very firm with your hysband.

Do not allow him to rewrite history.

Stay strong.

I said that to him before he left, I said MIL is getting upset to deflect what's actually happened. He can't see it. It's so frustrating. I can see it, you can see it, it's very clear that's what she's doing. Sadly, the suggestion that she might be that crazy made him really angry. By having him running over there for however long, leaving his wife and DC, with no way of getting to work and school now, she is as manipulative as SIL. DH is weak and can't see through it all. He must be so used to this manipulation that he is blind to what's happening.

I think I’d put a very clear message on the group chat ‘MIL, my message was very clearly directed at SIL, so I have no idea why you are upset by it. HTH.’ Go on, I dare you!

I left the chat when they ignored my first message. Shame I can’t put that! If they try to contact me today with their finger pointing I will repeat it over and over though. She has no place to be upset

It’s good you have left the group chat. Don’t hand these people any bullets to shoot you with.

Focus on your truth, clear boundaries and DCs. Don’t let these morons drag you in to their nonsense. This will escalate and escalate.

Keep silent, dignified and distant. They will make this into some enormous drama rather than the simple assertive statement you make to your SIL.

They will hate your silence because they LOVE a fight so expect flying monkeys. Give them nothing. “No idea what you are talking about” - don’t JADE - justify, apologise, defend or explain your words to anyone.

The only important person here is your DH and his treatment of you and your DCs. Do nothing and say nothing that takes the spotlight away from his cowardice, betrayal, and unhinged over reaction.

Keep strong, balanced and firm.

I bet if you stand back you will see that each of these characters has form for o overbearing behaviours and falling out with people.

Drop the rope in their silly emotionally ignorant and unintelligent game. Who is the main manipulator Mil or FIL?

More great advice @Sssloou

Don't allow anything to distract you or your husband from his abandonment of his family.

You deserve so much better.

I agree with you. There’s been silence since he left. I couldn’t sleep last night and had a terrible time trying to get the dc to school with no transport. They’re confused and upset too. The dramatics surrounding a very reasonable message is so unhinged.
Dh is so used to people in his family controlling him and the MIL rules the roost. If she is upset no matter how unnecessary, they act like a pack and all swarm in on who’s upset her. If SIL is nasty, it’s expected for whoever is receiving it to take it and be quiet. I wonder where SIL is now in all this.
I can see easily how they work and how dh is weak.
The problem is I am really stuck now. Half term starts tomorrow but I still need to go to work. I have no child care and no transport. I’ve had to spend £32 today on taxis just to get them to school. I don’t know where to turn. I need to move house nearer to school and work but there are no houses to let. I don’t drive. I live in an isolated place. I feel completely stuck. My heart won’t slow down since yesterday, I can’t eat, I feel sick. But I DON’T feel guilty!

Can you take emergency leave from work? Or call in sick? Your DCs need YOU now to soothe and support them especially at half term - and YOU need some mental space to process this abandonment and to investigate and consider options for your future.

Take this time to do the right thing by prioritising your DCs and you.

This is a very shocking and deeply wounding action by your DH for you all.

Focus on that. Not what was said, who threw a tantrum etc. Don’t waste your finite headspace and energy trying to understand these loons - just redirect your finite emotionally energy to caring for and protecting the ones who have been hurt.

I doubt this is uncharacteristic or the first time they have behaved this way. So know that this is entrenched dysfunctional enmeshed bullying and scapegoating behaviour and totally distance yourself with dignity from this family.

I will do what I can to protect my little family. Dh did not earn much money at all, more of a ‘house husband’. I am the one who goes out to work. If I can’t work we can’t eat, pay rent, pay bills. I’m self employed so there is no way I can change it around. I have two hours work tomorrow so not too bad but all day Sunday until late. My parents are shielding, they are classed as extremely vulnerable so I can’t expect them to help. Dh has put me in the worst position and his lack of responsibility is disgusting.

I am sorry to hear this. He has really let you all down and in the shit. He knows you need his practical support and is happy to leave you in the lurch / over a barrel. I would interpret this is passive aggressive and manipulative behaviour - he expects you to come running and apologising because you need him for childcare.

This is the time to reach out to friends and family for a favour. Can you do any childcare swaps over half term? Or find a responsible sixth former to help you out on Sunday? I am sure there are trust worthy people you know who would appreciate the opportunity to earn some money if you can afford it.

I can’t think of anyone. I will ask some of the parents at school. I feel bad asking but it’s desperate.
He has sent one message today which was abusive, telling me to apologise to MIL. Crazy.

Don’t feel bad asking for a favour - many people will be happy to help out and you can repay in kind.

How have you responded (or plan to respond) to his abusive and demanding text?

You can respond by not getting into the details of his words:

“Your words and actions are abusive and ignorant. I will not tolerate this unhinged behaviour from a grown man. Please take some time to compose yourself and reflect on your actions and responsibilities towards your family. Maybe we can speak next weekend if you have been able to get yourself to a place of calmness and clarity. I have nothing to say until them.”

Don’t mention the MIL. Focus on his appalling behaviour. But don’t repeat yourself or get drawn in.

I replied in the way you suggested but I also put that I will need to contact some charities for help as we are stranded now and I can’t work. He just said ‘let me know how you get on’
It’s so frustrating!
I really think this is abuse.

Wow, it gets worse and worse! No practical help, but thinking of you.

Obtuse and abuse. V passive aggressive and emotionally immature. He is now in his mother’s space so is also there mentally.

SIL and MIL are probably rejoicing that they have him back in the enmeshed toxic clan.

I wouldn’t engage further it will only hurt you. Concentrate on your DCs hurt and survival and yourself. You have no spare headspace or energy for this nonsense.

OP, I am so sorry.

This is so deliberate and abusive.
You poor woman.

Completely unforgivable.
He's waiting for you to beg.

I think you do need to contact other parents or local charities.

He has abandoned you.

This is not your shame.

This is all him.

He truly is a disgrace.

I am so sorry.

Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without all your support and advice, it's helped me a lot.
I've now had a message saying he wants to take the DC so I can go to work. (I guess I'll have to find my own way there and back)
But I don't trust him. He told me to pack overnight bags.

I have a feeling they would be fed lies and it would upset them further. They need stability now, not moving around.
I said I don't think he's of sound enough mind to do this and to wait until I've heard from womens aid for advice!
Have I done the right thing?

I've elaborated on the 1st message now. I've told him all this business with his family is irrelevant now and I'm just concentrating on the logistics of him being an absent parent. I suggested he have the dc's here while I work instead of running away again.
I am getting concerned he might just take her now. What rights do I have if he does that? I don't think it would be good for their mental health at all to be amongst that anger at the moment! They need some stability.

'take them' it should say not 'her'!

Trust your gut.

Sounds like he will move them to his mothers for half term at least.

Don’t allow this to happen.

OK. I did have that feeling. If I went to work and he took them anyway while I was gone, i wonder if i'd be able to get an emergency court order on the grounds of abuse. i really don't think they'd be happy there while they're angry. They're not following the covid rules either which makes me very uneasy.

This is awful to read I can't believe he left and chose his mother over his wife and kids! No advice that hasn't already been given, but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you OP

Thanks @Sprarkfairy It does help to know others are thinking of me. At least I know what he's really like. Just trying to sort out the issue of being stranded now!