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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage forever?

90 replies

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 18:06

I’m 38 so not young but I feel too young to say no sex ever again?
I’ve been married for 18 years, two dc. It’s always been very very patchy. We go years and years and years. Currently it’s been twelve months. Before that four years. I don’t want sex with dh. I presume he doesn’t want sex with me. I tried to ask him about it and he became sexually aggressive and extremely full on.
I find it depressing. But equally I don’t want sex with dh anyway. It’s not the most important thing so why do I feel like it is so important? I need to just move past it and accept it for the children. I know this. And yet it’s so hard.

OP posts:

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 17/10/2020 18:28

I wouldn't stay. No way. It's not good got the children to see that kind of thing either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2020 18:32

Why should you move past this and or accept this for your children?. No. They are not the arbiters of your relationship, you and your husband are. Staying for the sake of the children too does them no favours and they are not going to say “thanks mum” to you for staying with him. What sort of relationship are you both modelling to your children here?.

His previous sexually aggressive behaviour is unacceptable in a relationship anyway.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. It sounds utterly miserable for you and is doing your self esteem and self worth great harm. Your children will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad. This is not a relationship model they should be seeing.

How can you be helped into leaving him?

Livandme · 17/10/2020 18:37

But do you get on?
Are you Affectionate
What do the dc see?

Lila5665 · 17/10/2020 18:38

No. No, I wouldn't. Why do you want to accept it? When you asked him about it and he became sexually aggressive , what did that look like? You are young. Much younger than you seem to realise. You've already spent four years in a row without sex? It sounds like you have a sex drive, just not one you want to use with your husband. It sounds depressing.

TTGO · 17/10/2020 18:40

I'm 31 and in a similar scenario. I love my DH. We are affectionate. But very very rarely intimate sexually. We both want to be more sexually intimate, but due to past trauma on my part it's difficult. I live in fear he will leave me.

mumpleasemayi · 17/10/2020 18:49

This is my situation too, I'm hanging in for now but not sure i can handle absolutely no affection for many years to come.

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 18:52

I mentioned that I was concerned that we never had sex / didn’t have much in common and his take on it was to pressure me into sex. Heavily.
It was awful.
We went from having not even kissed properly for four years to him rubbing himself against me, putting his hands up my top and down my trousers, demanding we have an early night. It was extremely full on. It was the only time I’ve ever really felt threatened - because I didn’t want it. But then what’s the answer? I feel I can’t conplain about lack of sex and then be so upset by having it that it makes me cry.
But when I spoke to him about it I was trying to talk about how we could make things better, not that I wanted to go from nothing to that. So now I scared to mention it again.

OP posts:

Miseryl · 17/10/2020 18:56

I would because I'm the one who secretly hates sex but doesn't say anything because I don't want DP to feel unloved/unwanted so a sexless marriage would be my haven.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2020 19:03

If someone else was writing this what would your response be?

I would seriously consider getting this man out of your life and ASAP. His actions towards you were sexually abusive in nature. He is not interested in making things better and besides which you cannot improve things on your own. On some level he is happy as he is and he enjoys this level of power and control he has over you.

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:09

I do think he is happy with it else I’m sure it would have been an issue a long time ago. Presumably he doesn’t want sex with me either. Although then why become so full on like he did? It only stopped after I started bleeding. I told him it hurt and he said that was a good excuse so I apologised to him 🙄 and said I was ok to carry on. Then I was not ok.
It stopped at suddenly as it started and he’s barely mentioned anything since. That was a year ago.

OP posts:

Lila5665 · 17/10/2020 19:12

I don't like his response to you asking about your lack of sex drive one bit. It makes me uncomfortable reading that. Do you think on some level he was trying to shut you down so you don't ask about sex again? The way he responded wasn't acceptable and not wanting to be treated like that is absolutely normal.... These aren't the two options available to you. Sexually unavailable or sexually threatening.... You deserve better than that.

CalmDown7 · 17/10/2020 19:15

I think it depends how important sex is to you. For some people it isn’t a huge deal and for others it’s make or break. If it’s important to you then you shouldn’t sacrifice it. 38 is very young to give it up in my opinion x

Fuckityfucksake · 17/10/2020 19:17

No you really don't need to accept it.
You say you're not bothered but it's bothered you enough to post.
Can you really live the rest of your life like this?
Personally, unless my Dh had a medical/psychological issue that affected his sex drive then no I wouldn't/couldn't. I sure as shit would want neither to stay with him nor to have sex if he turned sexually aggressive if I spoke to him about it.

For what it's worth I previously left a 6 year relationship because of this very thing.
He was fit and healthy, no issues. Refused to talk much other than to tell me it wasn't me, he was attracted to me, it was him! all empty words really as actions speak way louder.
I resented that he alone chose that we would be celibate.
He didn't want to work it out or get any help. We had countless conversations, arguments etc.. it never got better. It was draining and severely affected my own mental health and confidence.
So I was done. I knew I didn't want to live like that and saw no future with him because of it (there were other issues but that was the biggest)
I was a year younger than you when I left.
I am now so much more happier.

MintyCedric · 17/10/2020 19:23

God this sounds horrific. His response to your raising the subject previously sounds like it was designed to put you off bringing up the subject again.

I would definitely leave. Being single and celibate is bad enough, being celibate in a marriage and the frankly abusive way he reacted to your questioning it is totally unacceptable.

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:23

I feel as though dh cant win which makes me feel bad.
I don’t want sex with him so if I say anything about it and then it’s full on sex it makes it worse - but what else is he meant to do?
The trouble is I don’t feel close to him so to go from nothing to that was just too much. He said I wasn’t allowed to sleep wearing anything and was constantly making comments that I found disgusting. About ‘getting a go’ on me. Maybe he thought it was sexy. Maybe if I wanted it it would have been.
If I didn’t have the dc I’d leave, no question.

OP posts:

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 17/10/2020 19:24

@Strawberryketchup

I do think he is happy with it else I’m sure it would have been an issue a long time ago. Presumably he doesn’t want sex with me either. Although then why become so full on like he did? It only stopped after I started bleeding. I told him it hurt and he said that was a good excuse so I apologised to him 🙄 and said I was ok to carry on. Then I was not ok. It stopped at suddenly as it started and he’s barely mentioned anything since. That was a year ago.

??? Surely you can see that he assaulted you in this way in hopes that it would stop you from ever mentioning sex again? He was punishing you and trying to shut you up. Is that not obvious to you?

This guy isn't your friend, and he isnt a safe person. Why are you still in this relationship?

SoulofanAggron · 17/10/2020 19:24

Would you stay in a sexless marriage forever?

Of course not. At 38 you still half half your life to live. This can't be how you want it to be?

I feel I can’t conplain about lack of sex and then be so upset by having it that it makes me cry.

Women can want sex but not want someone to be aggressive/pushy/rapey. He thought you in pain and bleeding was ok/good?

No, that would be game over from me.

Heyahun · 17/10/2020 19:26

Sounds awful. I’d be out the door tbh unless you have an amazing relationship in every other way?

It sounds like you got together young and never were really with anyone else - that could be part of the problem - now you feel tied and don’t know how to be apart

But you are still young enough to move on and find happiness

damnthatanxiety · 17/10/2020 19:28

It's a very weird reaction from him. No interest in sex and the. When you give him the green light, aggressive sexual abuse. Very weird. Will he talk about it if you asked him?

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:32

I’m scared to talk about it again because I don’t want a repeat of what happened before.

It’s the only time I’ve felt threatened - but as I said, if Id wanted to then I wouldn’t have felt threatened and it is normal to want to when in a LTR.
I was constantly having to fend him off. When I got into bed in pjs he demanded to know why I was wearing something and that I take them off. He got angry about it. Very angry about it.

OP posts:

Lila5665 · 17/10/2020 19:33

I need to go back a bit here..... Sorry.... When did he say you weren't allowed to sleep wearing anything? And when did he talk about having "a go" on you? Was this after you spoke to him about the fact you aren't having sex?This sounds controlling and coercive. I think there is a bit to unravel here.....

There's is a world between no sex and pushy , aggressive sex. There's romance, kissing, touching, foreplay, roleplay and that's just for starters. What he's offering is fucking ridiculous in this situation. I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him.

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:36

It was after I’d said about us never having sex.
The sex has always been pretty rubbish from my point of view if I’m honest. He’s never wanted to give oral sex, which is fair enough. No one should do anything they don’t want to, but foreplay is generally nonexistent. There’s nothing to ‘make up’ for that. I think that’s why it hurt.

OP posts:

Keepithidden · 17/10/2020 19:40

I was going to answer this thread, but your circumstances are so different to mine that it would be comparing apples and oranges. There are sexless marriages and sexless marriages

This appears to be an abusive marriage anyway, and that is the bigger issue IMO. Sorry you're going through this OP.

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:42

I’ve never considered it abusive at any other time though.
I’m not sure if that brief time would constitute abuse or significant abuse enough that it would be reasonable to leave.
I know how it felt - it felt awful. But again, I don’t want sex with dh and if I did then it would probably have been fine.

OP posts:

Discodude · 17/10/2020 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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