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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage forever?

90 replies

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 18:06

I’m 38 so not young but I feel too young to say no sex ever again?
I’ve been married for 18 years, two dc. It’s always been very very patchy. We go years and years and years. Currently it’s been twelve months. Before that four years. I don’t want sex with dh. I presume he doesn’t want sex with me. I tried to ask him about it and he became sexually aggressive and extremely full on.
I find it depressing. But equally I don’t want sex with dh anyway. It’s not the most important thing so why do I feel like it is so important? I need to just move past it and accept it for the children. I know this. And yet it’s so hard.

OP posts:
paintmywholehousepink · 17/10/2020 19:45

Leave him op.
It sounds to me like he raped you to be honest. He became aggressive. You were in pain & bleeding?!?! What would you think if your friend/daughter/mother told you this?
This is a really unhealthy relationship to be bringing your kids up in.
Just go. Don't feel bad please x

Wimbledon1983 · 17/10/2020 19:49

What do you mean by sexually aggressive? I would say that is more of a worry. As for the no sex, why is that? Do you just have a very low sex drive? Do you masturbate, for example? Would you want sex with someone else or just not with him?

I do think the sexual aggression is a huge red flag though

positivelynegative · 17/10/2020 19:50

Why does it need to ‘be reasonable to leave’? What is reasonable? Your happiness is not reasonable enough?

Wimbledon1983 · 17/10/2020 19:51

Sorry I missed the explanation follow up posts, my phone had a blip. Yes definitely not on. Sounds like he is even acting awful during sex as he knows you will really not want it then. Withholding sex is a common tactic of emotional abuse.

Original poster
Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:52

My feeling is that once you have dc your own happiness is much less important.
That’s why I find it hard to leave based on the sex part alone. I do want sex. I don’t want sex with dh. I can’t imagine sleeping with him unless under duress.
And I do get that he can’t do right for doing wrong - it was just too much. How he went about it. It left me feeling violated and ultimately harmed me physically. I’ve never been so miserable and afraid.

OP posts:
Wimbledon1983 · 17/10/2020 19:54

@discodude that’s an awful post to write

Feefifo9 · 17/10/2020 19:55

Did he rape you @Strawberryketchup. You can leave any time for any reason. You get to decide if it's reasonable, no-one else.

TooTrueToBeGood · 17/10/2020 19:58

My feeling is that once you have dc your own happiness is much less important.

You still have aright to happiness. Besides what makes you think your children will be happier with two parents together who by the sounds of it can barely stand each other? There's a very good chance they'd be happier with seperated parents. For the record, it sounds to me like he raped you. Sorry, I know that's a lot to take in but that's how it reads to me. Please seriously consider your options and don't feel you have to sacrifice yourself for your children. Would you have wanted your mother to do that for you?

Original poster
Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 19:59

He didn’t rape me because I didn’t say no.
In fact I was scared of his anger so it was quite the opposite. He could tell I didn’t want to and it made him angry so I was asking him to have sex with me. He said at one point something along the lines of ‘I’ve never been that sort of man and I’m not starting now,’ when I was saying it was ok, it didn’t hurt, that I wanted to have sex. That was after I’d originally said no and he got angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 20:01

Then I was insistent we should carry on. So it was my fault really.
I said it was hurting and he said about it being a good excuse. Got angry. Then I basically was saying no no it’s ok, I’m ok, it’s fine, I want to.
You can see why he’d be confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 20:03

The thing that makes me feel it might have been abusive was that it still makes me cry if I think about it.
BUT it was me that had raised the no sex thing. It is reasonable to expect sex with your wife. And also he’s never acted like that before and it had been four years prior to that since we’d last slept together.

OP posts:
Fuckityfucksake · 17/10/2020 20:04

Discodude I think you've missed the point somewhat!
Many men work all hours and pay mortgages without being dicks!
It's really not that difficult for decent humans.

OP , I replied before you posted again.
It's not just the sex thing here is it?
You do know that no one has the right to dictate what you wear to bed right? It is your choice.
Equally if someone begins to aggressively have sex with you before you're ready or if you don't want to - you can say no Husband or not.
Also for your dc to be happy YOU need to be happy.

Kittenbittenmitten · 17/10/2020 20:05

@Discodude. It wasn't some tender kiss though was it? I'd feel a bit sorry for him if he initiated sex and was concerned with trying to make the OP feel good. This didn't happen.

Kittenbittenmitten · 17/10/2020 20:07

Sexual coercion is a form of rape.

Discodude · 17/10/2020 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iflyaway · 17/10/2020 20:14

To me he sounds like a monster.

Why the hell are you with him?

You have plenty of time to find a man who turns you on who you want to have sex with.

You are showing your children an awful view of marriage. Normalising it. That will be their template going forward.

Please choose for your own and their happiness.

paintmywholehousepink · 17/10/2020 20:15

OP you say you have "never been so miserable & afraid" - this right here is why you leave! This is not how you want your children to experience their mother.
It's really not just about a lack of sex is it? 🤷‍♀️

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2020 20:18

He wasn’t confused, OP. He knew you didn’t want to have sex. He knew you were in pain and scared. He knew you were lying when you asked him to carry on. He knew that the reason you asked him to carry on was because he was angry. The reason that he needed you to be the one to “insist” on continuing was so that, despite everything I’ve typed above, he could make you feel like you’re feeling now; like it’s your fault and not his. Like you’re responsible for what happened. He has engineered a situation whereby he can gaslight you into thinking he was confused and deny that he did anything wrong. The reality is that he KNEW he did not have your meaningful consent. He knew that you did not want to have sex with him and that he was causing you pain.

Sadly I think he’s done a complete number on you, OP. Every one of your posts has added a bit more to the picture and I think you’ve only revealed the tip of the iceberg. I won’t throw around any of the loaded words that others might. Not because I don’t think they apply to your situation, but because I don’t think you recognise that they do yet as he’s done such a good job of gaslighting you.

Please don’t waste any more time on this creature. He is not a good partner (to put it EXTREMELY mildly) and you are not helping your children by staying in this relationship.

category12 · 17/10/2020 20:19

Jesus OP. Sad

Do you have a daughter? If she had an experience like yours with a future partner, what would you want her to do?

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2020 20:20

@Discodude why are you trying to apply pressure to a woman to stay in a relationship with a man who became angry when she told him he was hurting her during sex? Do you think that’s acceptable?

Wimbledon1983 · 17/10/2020 20:24

@IWantT0BreakFree

He wasn’t confused, OP. He knew you didn’t want to have sex. He knew you were in pain and scared. He knew you were lying when you asked him to carry on. He knew that the reason you asked him to carry on was because he was angry. The reason that he needed you to be the one to “insist” on continuing was so that, despite everything I’ve typed above, he could make you feel like you’re feeling now; like it’s your fault and not his. Like you’re responsible for what happened. He has engineered a situation whereby he can gaslight you into thinking he was confused and deny that he did anything wrong. The reality is that he KNEW he did not have your meaningful consent. He knew that you did not want to have sex with him and that he was causing you pain.

Sadly I think he’s done a complete number on you, OP. Every one of your posts has added a bit more to the picture and I think you’ve only revealed the tip of the iceberg. I won’t throw around any of the loaded words that others might. Not because I don’t think they apply to your situation, but because I don’t think you recognise that they do yet as he’s done such a good job of gaslighting you.

Please don’t waste any more time on this creature. He is not a good partner (to put it EXTREMELY mildly) and you are not helping your children by staying in this relationship.

I usually think the word ‘abuse’ gets bandied about too much on Mumsnet but I agree with this wholeheartedly op. He knew why you were saying no. This is really horrible. What else is going on?
username501 · 17/10/2020 20:34

OP what's going on sounds confusing. You don't want sex with your partner but told him that you did want to have sex. He rarely initiates but began to somewhat aggressively grope you. You then had sex which you found painful but insisted on continuing with him. You then say you were afraid.

If you don't want sex with him, then I would stop asking to have sex with him. It's hard to tell if he's abusive as it sounds as though he was confused about what was being asked of him. It sounds as though he stopped when you asked him to stop and it was you who insisted he continue. By the way, there's something called lube. It's used during sex if you are dry which is why it was painful as he doesn't do foreplay.

Your options are to suggest an open relationship, leave the marriage or come to terms with a sexless relationship.

Original poster
Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 20:38

I didn’t ask to have sex with him.
I tried to tell him that I thought something wasn’t right between us. I said we didn’t spend time together. Had different outlooks. And didn’t have sex. The last part was what he took away from it.
I do appreciate it was perhaps confusing, it was just such an unexpected turn around. He didn’t address the other parts, he just went straight for the sex part immediately. We didn’t have an evening out together and then try and make a connection. He just immediately announced we were having an early night and that was it.
It felt very threatening but I do realise he may not have intended it that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 20:41

I insisted on the continuing because I was afraid of his anger.
But again - possibly he didn’t realise that was why.
I remember saying, it hurts and tensing up and him saying that was a convenient excuse. I know he was angry. I could hear it in his voice and in his body language. Then I asked to carry on because I was scared of not doing so.

OP posts:
123rd · 17/10/2020 20:42

I wouldn't stay