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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage forever?

90 replies

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 18:06

I’m 38 so not young but I feel too young to say no sex ever again?
I’ve been married for 18 years, two dc. It’s always been very very patchy. We go years and years and years. Currently it’s been twelve months. Before that four years. I don’t want sex with dh. I presume he doesn’t want sex with me. I tried to ask him about it and he became sexually aggressive and extremely full on.
I find it depressing. But equally I don’t want sex with dh anyway. It’s not the most important thing so why do I feel like it is so important? I need to just move past it and accept it for the children. I know this. And yet it’s so hard.

OP posts:

username501 · 17/10/2020 20:43

When you say it felt threatening, what do you mean? What did you feel threatened by?

Why do you think you couldn't assert yourself with him?

For example, 'You seem to have misinterpreted what I said DH. I don't want sex with you, I just want us to discuss our relationship.'

I'm not criticising you, I'm wondering how this all happened. Your OP was confusing.

Original poster

Strawberryketchup · 17/10/2020 20:44

I was scared. I didn’t feel I could say that because I felt scared. And I was panicky. I probably wasn’t thinking all the clearly.

OP posts:

username501 · 17/10/2020 20:45

Cross post. You say you're afraid of his anger. So he's often angry with you and threatening you? Is that what's going on?

It's beginning to sound like sexual assault.

category12 · 17/10/2020 20:50

Don't second-guess yourself.

You knew he was angry.
He was having sex with you out of anger, not to make things better between you.
You were rightly scared.

username501 · 17/10/2020 20:52

OP I'm still confused but the fact that you felt afraid of his anger and felt threatened and therefore continued to have sex you didn't want, makes it sounds like serious sexual assault. You're not going to get coerced sex in a healthy and functional relationship, it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship.

I would contact a DV org you can chat to refuge from 3-6pm anonymously and discuss what happened. They should be able to take all the details and advise you.

The other alternative is Rape Crisis but I can understand how that would be a frightening route to take.

BigFatLiar · 17/10/2020 20:52

@Strawberryketchup

I do think he is happy with it else I’m sure it would have been an issue a long time ago. Presumably he doesn’t want sex with me either. Although then why become so full on like he did? It only stopped after I started bleeding. I told him it hurt and he said that was a good excuse so I apologised to him 🙄 and said I was ok to carry on. Then I was not ok. It stopped at suddenly as it started and he’s barely mentioned anything since. That was a year ago.

Your bringing it up may have made him feel pressure into trying and clumsily trying to hard/badly. If neither of you want sex why bring it up? You don't have to comply with other people's ideas of what constitutes a marriage. If you're both happy enough being the family you are go with it.

tootiredtospeak · 17/10/2020 20:53

Just stop and breathe and get some perspective. Be honest are you afraid of his anger any other time. Any time at all if you do then I agree with the other posters. If not and this was just a messed up reaction to what you brought up after 18 years I would want to try and understand.
You both sound messed up sexually and need to try counselling. I appreciate now you may not want to bring it up so write him a letter.
Tell him you are considering leaving and that you dont want to live like this if he wants to keep his family you both need counselling to understand what is wrong. Again I dont think you should do this if he is abusive and you are scared in general of him. But of you arent I would not throw away all that time if the rest of your lives make you happy. Sex isnt everything there might be a compromise to be made but for that to be explored it has to be discussed.

username501 · 17/10/2020 20:54

OP I also apologise if it sounds like I'm badgering you. Not my intention.

WizWoz · 17/10/2020 20:57

The difficulty is, once you have DC you have to put them first. Do you get divorced and have to move to a cheaper house in a dodgy area, thus depriving your DC of a nice home and putting them in a position where they’ll end up mixing with dodgy people? Do you raise them as a single parent and have to work more hours to make ends meet, thus depriving them of time with their mother? Or do you just put up with lack of sex and raise your DC in your nice house with two salaries and a father who’s in their lives every day.

The fact is, I’m in my 40s and not as pretty as I once was, my body is scarred from pregnancy, and I’m not likely to attract a new partner who I want to have sex with. Most of the good guys are taken by this point. Any potential new partner is probably about the same age and divorced with kids, and quite frankly I can’t be bothered with someone else’s kids. I can’t sleep around because if I catch Aids or Hepatitis etc it will ruin my kids lives. Even if I left my DH it’s not realistic for me to think I’ll meet someone else... so why bother leaving?

AgeLikeWine · 17/10/2020 20:58

Absolutely not. A sexless relationship would be a deal-breaker for me, and I would expect my partner to look elsewhere if I was not prepared to have sex with him.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 17/10/2020 21:03

@Strawberryketchup

I insisted on the continuing because I was afraid of his anger. But again - possibly he didn’t realise that was why. I remember saying, it hurts and tensing up and him saying that was a convenient excuse. I know he was angry. I could hear it in his voice and in his body language. Then I asked to carry on because I was scared of not doing so.

This is really really cut and dried, very clear rape, my love.

Saying yes to sex because you're afraid to say no is rape.

I apologize if that is shocking to you but you are going to need to start thinking about leaving him. He raped you. There is no turning back. A man who has raped you doesn't think of you as human or even deserving of the basic respect you would show an animal.

Staying in the marriage means teaching your kids it is ok to share life with a person who thinks you are worthless.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2020 21:06

It's hard to tell if he’s abusive

He became angry when OP told him he was hurting her. It’s not “hard to tell” whatsoever.

OP, please please ignore posters like this who are feeding your doubts. Your gut instincts are not wrong. You can trust your feelings when they tell you that this is not right. This situation is abusive and dangerous.

There’s absolutely nothing remotely confusing about any of this and there’s no grey area whereby he’s maybe a good guy who’s just misunderstood. No. You expressed a concern that your sex life was non-existent. Even if he’s dumb enough to think you therefore wanted him to forcefully initiate sex with no foreplay (which some posters seem to think is a perfectly OK response ) then he sure as shit isn’t dumb enough to fail to notice that you weren’t enjoying it. He knew you weren’t. Just like he knew that you were only trying to calm his temper when you told him to carry on. There’s literally nothing confusing about that for him, nor for any sensible person reading you posts now.

It’s absolutely normal and fine and acceptable to express a desire to change things in a sexless marriage. Expressing this desire does NOT mean that you are then obligated to accept any kind of sex that is offered to you (or forced upon you) at any time. Are some PPs really saying “well you said you wanted more sex so you should just always be ready to have sex out of nowhere after four years, even when it’s aggressive and unwanted”?? Come on.

EarthSight · 17/10/2020 21:09

Although then why become so full on like he did? It only stopped after I started bleeding. I told him it hurt and he said that was a good excuse so I apologised to him 🙄 and said I was ok to carry on. Then I was not ok

Jesus. That sounds very dark. It sounds like sex was done to you instead of with you. You started bleeding??? It sounds to me like you are in the middle of processing trauma. It sounds like what happened to you wasn't far off rape. Yes. Rape or at least sexual abuse. You probably wanted affection, respect and connection but instead he abused in a way that was meant to punish you for asking.

It's up to you how you frame your own experience, but think of it like this. If you invited someone over to your house and the said they'd like some tea, if they changed their mind, would you be pouring it down their throat and would only think of stopping if they had to tell you it was burning them???

You say you weren't thinking clearly but I think you were - very clearly actually. You went into self preservation mode because you felt like you were in danger. Ask yourself if what I'm saying resonates with you - you carried on with it, carried on after bleeding because you felt pressured to consent. You actually felt like you had no choice but to 'consent', because deep down, you were doing was a type of damage control. You would rather simply go along with what he was doing rather than risk actually saying a proper 'no' and walking out of that room, for fear how badly it would escalate. You 'consented' because it gave you a degree of control because saying 'no' would have introduced a conflict that you were scared you weren't going to win.

username501 · 17/10/2020 21:11

@IWantT0BreakFree ODFOD Abuse is a pattern of behaviour, from the OP it's difficult to tell if the OP is in an abusive relationship.

username501 · 17/10/2020 21:12

Sorry, forgot to add the childish emoji to really prove my point:

ulanbatorismynextstop · 17/10/2020 21:16

No way

EarthSight · 17/10/2020 21:19

Are some PPs really saying “well you said you wanted more sex so you should just always be ready to have sex out of nowhere after four years, even when it’s aggressive and unwanted”?? Come on

@IWantT0BreakFree @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I'd say this poster could do with contact Women's Aid or getting in tough with a therapist. Normally some women on this forum are ready to label anything under the sun as abusive, so I'm surprised this wasn't picked up by more posters. If you read what the OP is saying in her posts, she's scared and it sounds like she has a reason to be. Just because someone wants sex, doesn't mean she should be treated like this. There's a difference between lust and menace, and I think she probably picked up on the latter and is in the middle of processing it and reaching out for help.

I think you are in a vulnerable state OP. Do not ask him for sex, or bring up sex ever again with him. It's not safe.

Runningdownthathill · 17/10/2020 21:20

OP please wake up. This man sounds horrendous. Crap in bed, selfish, controlling, abusive. No wonder you don’t want sex with him. Please please leave him and find a loving man .

EarthSight · 17/10/2020 21:23

@username501

Fair enough, but if someone raped you once.....what would you call that/them? It's hardly an 'oops' moment and I wouldn't be surprised if there's more negativity to this marriage than what's in the post.

SylvanianFrenemies · 17/10/2020 21:25

His behaviour was extremely abusive, and I find it hard to imagine that he is otherwise a decent partner.

I'd rather be single for life than be with someone who would behave like this.

The advice to use lube because fearful, coerced sex is painful is jaw dropping and bizarre.

Life could be so much better.

notalwaysalondoner · 17/10/2020 21:30

What he should have done was react reasonably and said “I agree it’s a problem if it bothers you, maybe we should talk to someone about it. What is it you miss, is it affection, kissing, sex..?” Not suddenly forced himself on you to the point of scaring you and hurting you. If I were you I’d probably arrange to see a councillor but not tell him why and bring it up there with him there in a safer environment which a professional can help manage. Although from what you’ve said I understand if you’re too scared to do anything.

Do you think if you raised it again but explicitly said at the beginning “I do NOT want this conversation to result in us having sex or for you to behave like you did last time we discussed this a year ago, if you do so then I may leave” it would have a different outcome? Is there a chance he completely misinterpreted how he was supposed to react and as it sounds like he is quite useless in bed didn’t know how awful it was? I doubt it though.

ittakes2 · 17/10/2020 21:39

I think you have a bigger problem than a sexless marriage. You say you stay for the children - but I am sorry think you should leave for both the children and your sake. You are your children’s role model. If you have a daughter you are teaching her than you should be submissive to a partner. If you have a son you are teaching him his role is to dominate his partner. Please want better than this for yourself and your kids. Good luck.

username501 · 17/10/2020 21:39

@EarthSight Can you point out in the Opening Post how there is any suggestion of rape please?

FippertyGibbett · 17/10/2020 21:39

You have been violated. You said no but carried on because you were frightened.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man ?
What would you want your daughter to do if she was in a similar relationship ?

AriesTheRam · 17/10/2020 21:39

No way which is why I left my 1st husband after 8 years

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