Would you stay in a sexless marriage forever?

[Strawberryketchup]

I’m 38 so not young but I feel too young to say no sex ever again?
I’ve been married for 18 years, two dc. It’s always been very very patchy. We go years and years and years. Currently it’s been twelve months. Before that four years. I don’t want sex with dh. I presume he doesn’t want sex with me. I tried to ask him about it and he became sexually aggressive and extremely full on.
I find it depressing. But equally I don’t want sex with dh anyway. It’s not the most important thing so why do I feel like it is so important? I need to just move past it and accept it for the children. I know this. And yet it’s so hard.

@username501 How about you read the rest of OP's posts and just stop having your own bunfight with other people?

@SylvanianFrenemies It would be if that's what happened.

@category12 Why don't you read the rest of my posts where I suggested Rape Crisis and contacting a DV organisation?

He sounds awful and the marriage is clearly troubled, hence you raised the issues with him.

The sex or lack of it is just one issue, but it seems to lack affection and any closeness.

His aggression was uncalled for. It seems odd that there was no mention of the lack of intimacy for years until you mentioned it.

It's his aggression that would make me leave, rather than the lack of sex tbh. It's very scary.

I hope you have someone you can confide in, someone you can call for help if you ever need it ?

@username501 Because you're undercutting any decent stuff you've said by determinedly arguing with people. But I'm not engaging with you any further.

OP, if you're still there, I hope you're OK .

You do not want sex with him because you do not have a relationship that has general intimacy - that is often the basis upon which sex happens in a LTR. And I am guessing that you do not fancy him - which is fair enough - you cannot conjure that from nothing.

I am not sure quite why you brought it up with him when you really did not want to have sex with him; but, having done so, his response was absolutely out of order.

Your relationship does not seem to be working on any level at all. I know that leaving must seem incredibly daunting, but can you see any alternative? I know that you will get into the whole access minefield for your children; but you need to consider what sort of an example of healthy relationships they are already living with.

I am sorry you are facing these challenges.

Goodnight OP, I hope you're sleeping and getting some rest. When you said he got very angry because you wore pyjamas to bed.... I can't get that out of my head. I am worried about you and I hope you're okay tonight. I think maybe..... You wrote this thread because you know there is something very, very wrong in your relationship. And I think... I don't like how scared you sound. Because you do sound scared.

Get some rest. Xxxxx

He sounds awful. I would not stay in your shoes. You deserve to be happy, safe and have a full life too.

Leave, it sounds horrendous

Life is too short to be in an unhappy anything.

ODFOD Abuse is a pattern of behaviour, from the OP it's difficult to tell if the OP is in an abusive relationship

There’s absolutely no need for your attitude and rudeness. Especially when you are incorrect. Abuse is not always ongoing; the CPS definition is “any incident” i.e. it can be one occasion. Please stop derailing OP’s thread with your nonsense.

I hope that you are OK, OP. I am guessing that if you haven’t thought about your relationship in these terms before, words like rape, abuse, coercion etc might feel alien and frightening. Or maybe you feel like they can’t possibly apply to you. That would be very understandable. I suppose we often have an image of what a rape victim looks like, or what a DV victim looks like etc and it can be hard to reconcile those images with ourselves. The fact is that nobody is immune to abuse and it’s often the people we least expect, ourselves included.

I know people always say this, but imagine your daughter (if you have one) was telling you the things you’ve written here. What would your advice be? Would you think she was safe? Would you think this was a relationship she should stay in?

LTB.
OP To answer your earlier wondering; I fancy my DP loads but would be repulsed if he said he ‘wanted a go’ on me. So no, I doubt you’d like it if you did fancy him.

I don’t like the whole ‘a go’ on me.
Oh and ‘no one else is getting a go on this.’
It’s grim.
I feel sad for dh and my children though. I am really struggling with this.

I'm so sad reading this @Strawberryketchup
Aside from the fact he's been completely out of order doing what he did, and that's reason enough to leave him, I know just how you feel.
Around a year ago I brought up the subject of sex after 9 years without, and told him I wanted that in my life, but not with him. He said that if I was going to put that above keeping our family together, I was being extremely selfish. So I just left it. Anyway, here we are a year down the line, and it's just awkward between us, and I am so miserable and resentful.
Anyway, the subject has come up again as he wanted to talk about things. I said to him that I don't feel like he sees me as a woman or finds me attractive. He said he hasn't tried anything on with me because in the past I have said sex was painful so he thought it was best to leave it completely. I never found it painful with past partners, but really have never felt turned on enough with dh.... something I should have dealt with years ago. I didn't say that to him. So I said that there are other things we could have been doing, and the following morning he was trying to touch my bum, and I just froze and pulled away. I never ever want to be with him, but I'm desperate for love and affection with someone. I worry that I'm sending out mixed messages as you think you might have done, but I would be horrified if he forced himself on me and tried to justify it because I had suggested I do want sex in my life. I know it's really hard when you have dc as you say, you put them above everything else, but it sounds like you do need to leave your partner for many reasons. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you know as well as I do, you only get one go at life and you shouldn't live it in misery xx

OP, as per Tracey Cox "for women, sex starts outside of the bedroom". He could learn a lot from this sentence x