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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to approach

79 replies

Therealthing43 · 15/10/2020 21:33

So, been dating since end May. I havent been in a relationship for years. He has had a string of relationships. He tells me he loves me. He's told me he has rushed in the past. Lots of effort initially.
Slowly im losing confidence and have nearly ended it a few times. Either it is a communication mismatch or he could be potentially controlling. Im very wary having being in a controlling relationship before. I want healthy boundaries and him to respect them. So here is the issue,which was evident quite early one. He likes to talk about himself.. if i try to contribute to the conversation he feels im interrupting and has mentioned that! so I listen, a lot, almost dare not join in. He doesnt ask much about me apart from putting me on the spot 'tell me about yourself' but which time im a little dumbfounded. I dont feel heard, or loved, or cherished. There are other examples. Eg texting, i will say something and he will respond hours later with something else. So, I dont feel validated. I keep thinking it can change. Its causing resentment and frustration. He seems genuinely upset when I bring it up. I dont have communication issues with other people, I feel i can adjust and read them. Any ideas? it cant be all me but I am questioning myself. Off for a video call with him so I'll be back later. The spark is there, the banter and communication is failing.

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Shoxfordian · 15/10/2020 21:43

This is the whole point of dating, you see if it works and it doesn't seem like it does with him so you should end things. He sounds boring and not that interested in your opinion really. Life's too short op

ReneeRol · 15/10/2020 21:45

He's not for you. That's OK. Let him go and find someone who you can communicate with.

HelpOrHindrance · 15/10/2020 21:47

4 months in and you feel like this? Nah, it can only get worse my dear.

Cut and run. Fast

Echobelly · 15/10/2020 21:48

Doesn't sound like this is working and he won't change.

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/10/2020 21:51

Completely self absorbed.....hmm well that's attractive 😕

Imagine being married to the boring fuck and listening to night after night of self indulgent twoddle.

Fuck to the no.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2020 21:51

It shouldn't be this hard, op. You already know this relationship is loaded with problems, so why are you still wasting your time? He is not the man for you.

Swaning · 15/10/2020 22:03

I would look at it this way.

You want a relationship that is respectful (not abusive)

This man is being disrespectful, time after time, yet youre putting up with it just a few months in. To be listened to is a basic requirement in a healthy relationship.

Therefore, this is not a healthy relationship, verging on communicatively abusive.

Time to move on, there are plenty of non abusive, loving, caring men out there.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Stop allowing this BS.

Macaroni46 · 15/10/2020 22:07

You deserve better OP. Dump him and move on. No wonder he's had a string of previous relationships!

Chattycatty · 15/10/2020 22:26

He won't want counselling as then you might realise you are being bullied and manipulated, he won't want to admit fault in any way. No one is worth this a friend, lover partner or family member no one, get rid hes a shit

NiceandCalm · 15/10/2020 22:53

When I first started OLD I was consumed by wanting them to like me and then fall in love with me, almost like I needed that validation. Apart from wasting time and potentially hurting them, I realised that what I thought about them mattered too. Crazy I know. How could I have been so fragile/pathetic/needy? Learn to value yourself and do not settle, find the man you need.

widespreadpanic · 15/10/2020 23:03

Yeah i dated one like this before, left me feeling lonely and worthless.

You shouldn’t feel like this especially so soon. Kick him to the curb.

Kaiserin · 15/10/2020 23:10

He doesn't sound like a very nice person, OP, and it's unlikely he'll change for you!

Therealthing43 · 16/10/2020 06:28

Thanks all. I know i deserve better, but I keep giving it time. I have felt glimmers of hope. I identify with the feeling lonely and it doesn't do much for your self esteem. Im going on a bike ride with him today. Will see how today goes and maybe speak with him. I was so hopeful at the start

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Thingsdogetbetter · 16/10/2020 07:42

There is no point in 'wanting' healthy boundaries. You put them in place and use them or you don't. At the moment you are not using them: you marked the line and then get resentful when it's crossed by him being disrespectful, but instead of actually sticking to it you're moving the line by simply hoping that will change.

You've given him the power over your boundary by being flexible about what you will and won't accept. "This is my boundary....... oh dam you've crossed it so I'll move it back a bit and maybe you won't cross that one. Bugger, you've crossed that one too, and I'm pissed off, but I'll try again with a lesser boundary and hope that you won't cross it again." = not using your boundaries.

Being hopeful is the opposite of having boundaries. When your boundaries are crossed, you dump, not hope.

IJustWantSomeBees · 17/10/2020 12:35

Why are you satisfied with glimmers of hope though? Why do you not think you deserve respect in the here and now? It is common curtosey to listen to others, if at the very beginning of the relationship when people are supposed to be on their best behaviour he already feels comfortable enough disrespecting you, why do you think it will get better? It will get worse and worse as he gets more comfortable.

Please OP, stand by your boundaries and leave him. The relationship is only a few months old, it is not a big invesmtent that you will lose Flowers

Hesfamousforit · 17/10/2020 12:38

This barely sounds like s friendship never mind relationship.
Move on. There will be someone out there who you click with Smile

IJustWantSomeBees · 17/10/2020 12:39

In regards to feeling lonely; do you genuinley feel companionship with this guy? It sounds much more lonely to me to spend your time with someone who doesn't actually care about your opinions/thoughts than it does to be single. And if you waste your time with this sod you won't be available when the right man for you comes along!

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 13:57

I've ended it but im a bit of a mess right now. I let my boundaries slide and that's my responsibility. Im so hurt and disappointed but recognise I need and deserve a better quality of relationship. If he isnt willing to adjust and communicate properly there is no future so best to end it now

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 13:59

Thank you very much all, recovery time now. And yes, I absolutely agree it does seem even like a friendship, more like he is jealous and hates me

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 13:59

doesn't

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Macaroni46 · 17/10/2020 15:04

Lots of love OP. You've done the right thing. What was his reaction?

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 15:17

his reaction almost says it all. He said he can't deal with it. It looks like he has blocked me on whatsapp, only 1 tick when I responded (nicely) to a message. His Facebook account is now deactivated (it does like i have the option to unfroend while he is deactivated, but im not one to have such strong reactions, should I unfriend?) . ive been crying. I wanted to here his voice so I went to listen to a voice message and it says it is no longer available. Surely he can't do that on my phone? he is a tech geek and works in IT. Getting a little paranoid. Im absolutely exhausted

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2020wish · 17/10/2020 15:26

@Therealthing43 advice from someone who was in a relationship like this.... leave it. He has thrown he dummy of the pram. He’s emotionally Black mailing you, blocking already and removing Facebook. Trying to make you feel guilty and question whether you done the right thing. But believe me you have. If this is his behaviour after 4 months then you have got a lucky escape. This is his personality.. not interested in you.. and not willing to listen to your point of view/concern.

You done the best thing for urself. Block him back and removed everything of his from ur social media and phone and move on x

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 15:31

@2020wish I know this is true, which is why I almost don't want to unfriend and rise to it! I feel on better terms with my ex husband ffs! Im 43 not a teenager. I cant deal with reactions like this whilst trying to run my own household, work, look after my son.
Its very hard to listen to mumsnet in someway as I recognise it is not a 'balanced' reaction and you are not hearing his side. If i could have made it work I would.
I dont feel ready to unfriend and remove posts Sad

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:31

so now he has activated his Facebook and but removed our picture so his profile picture is blank. Why wouldn't he just change his picture? he is behaving like a teenager

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