How to approach

[Therealthing43]

So, been dating since end May. I havent been in a relationship for years. He has had a string of relationships. He tells me he loves me. He's told me he has rushed in the past. Lots of effort initially.
Slowly im losing confidence and have nearly ended it a few times. Either it is a communication mismatch or he could be potentially controlling. Im very wary having being in a controlling relationship before. I want healthy boundaries and him to respect them. So here is the issue,which was evident quite early one. He likes to talk about himself.. if i try to contribute to the conversation he feels im interrupting and has mentioned that! so I listen, a lot, almost dare not join in. He doesnt ask much about me apart from putting me on the spot 'tell me about yourself' but which time im a little dumbfounded. I dont feel heard, or loved, or cherished. There are other examples. Eg texting, i will say something and he will respond hours later with something else. So, I dont feel validated. I keep thinking it can change. Its causing resentment and frustration. He seems genuinely upset when I bring it up. I dont have communication issues with other people, I feel i can adjust and read them. Any ideas? it cant be all me but I am questioning myself. Off for a video call with him so I'll be back later. The spark is there, the banter and communication is failing.

It's all to play games with your mind. Leave him to play his juvenile social media games by himself. What is he, a teenager?! How immature. GOOD WORK to block him. The worst thing you can give these guys is your attention. Even negative attention. Best to just ignore. I need to take a leaf out of my own book on this one!

There's no point having an amazing body if the mind don't match! Repeat ad nauseum.
This is a RUBBISH person to have a relationship with.
People who love each other do not play these stupid games.

Me too, in silence. DS is out and I'm really pissed off as if this man had been 'normal', he would be here with me now. Never mind. Find the joy in things that keep you peaceful.

Don't feel small. You have done a very big thing, my friend. You rose above it and GOT RID before it destroyed you. These sorts of mind games can really mess with your mind. It was a big thing to stand up to him. He's clearly not used to it.

I'm so glad I washed the sheets after he left this morning

@Therealthing43

Yes, he often talked about psycho bitches, even if on the TV. He is not on good terms with the mother of his kids. I did see something in him, but I dont think he is prepared to be vulnerable.. at all! He isnt emotionally available and is trying to make it my fault. I said im not into blame.

Sounds like the same as mine. Always the woman's fault. Sexist pigs, too. No, it's totally the same with mine. He's happy to spot vulnerabilities in others, but when his own were pointed out, he would get very, very defensive. These men are never emotionally available.

You are NOT to blame. We have fallen into this thing. My father was emotionally unavailable, and I suspect I am sensitive to the repetition of the dynamic. At least we can see it now.

Re emotional unavailability (sorry for hijacking your thread, but you're making me feel so good!) mine was also a shit father to his kids, despite my constantly hearing "I get on so well with my son" or "It's great that my DD can tell me things". He would congratulate himself on his exceptional parenting skills, when it was clear that his kids' boundaries were all over the place, and actually, the didn't dare question a word he said.

Fuckwit fathers is what these types of men become...

OOohh OP, we are better off out!

@RussetandGold so hard isn't it but i want to keep my own 'power' along with sanity! I really have been very patient and dont feel Im having a knee jerk reaction. The thing is his mind 'could' match but he won't and it is coming out in a negative, unhealthy almost toxic way. There is no care?
Yes, i think he is capable of driving me around the bend! All being said, im sad and disappointed. Im not ready to tell anyone. O need to get some strength and energy.
Im liking the peaceful silence..there is something comforting in it?

Yes, keep the power and the sanity. You sound very calm indeed

You've been with him a few months now, and his mind isn't matching. You've given it a chance. These men don't change. Definitely toxic. These guys always seem unempathetic, too. Whenever I cried about something (very few times!) mine would sit, frozen. WTF?! No emotion.

Yes, we will feel sad and disappointed for some time. I've told some online friends, just so I can have a bit of support. Keep your strength up. I'm going alcohol free and relishing the lack of competition all the time. Yes, the silence is comforting, in a way. Let's think about how lovely and clear our minds will be, not having to deal with their power games any more.

I feel for you OP. It's really hard ending things as I'm sure you had some good times alongside the annoyances. You've done the right thing though.

I don't really understand why you are getting involved with the FB and WhatsApp shenanigans though. Sorry but it seems childish of both of you. It's ended now. Of course he will behave in a silly way for a while because you have hurt him. Ignore it. Be dignified and confident you have done the right thing. Move on.

Yes im calm at the moment but I know a message from him could trigger me but I've felt pushed into blocking on FB I don't want to go full block so he can use that against me. Even in future, if he thinks back on me, if that makes sense? I know it doesn't really matter though
I also have the no reaction! are you sure this isn't the same man? I really dint understand. AT ALL

Wow this is how people show how they feel/what is happening in their lives these days. By unfriending, or changing profile pictures etc. What happened to the good old days when if you split, you split, there was no social media or apps, and life was so much simpler!
And now you have people who judge how good looking they are, by the amount of likes on their pictures 🤔🤦‍♀️

@Redruby25, I know! its awful and a sign of the times for some? I havent changed my profile pic in years. I was very reluctant to be friends with him so early and let him into my 'life ' so to speak. Its the only power I guess he has now? I can't believe how it has ended up so unhealthy, we are grown adults.

Please just block him from all of your social media .
Let him go. Don't dwell on him anymore.

@RussetandGold, how are you today? I have to work he has messaged apologising re Facebook and that he lashed out and is angry, sad and believes ive let him go. He must be on a video call on WhatsApp as its contant on and he is never on apart from with me. I dont want to have to question if there is someone else. He was quite secretive with his phone at times. Im struggling a bit.

Hello @Therealthing43 I should have checked your thread first!

Had a really rubbish few hours last night. I wrote this thread: Alone and scared

I'm sorry you are struggling. Try not to take his actions personally. It's possible he is texting a friend or talking to someone about you having dumped him. Be best for you to just block him on everything.

I am suffering, too. In my mind I've already dumped him, but we didnt have the final talk yet as he is away and I have my son. He sent me a message just saying what he's up to. This is our usual routine. But we were so guarded before he left, he must know it's over. I dunno if he's back today.

Meant to add: sorry you have to work - hope you are not too distracted.
It might be better for you to block him on everything, so you can't see what time he's on, and how long for. You will find this liberating. I am looking forward to getting to this with mine. It will hurt. OW OUCH. But it will be good going forwards. I can sense that when he's on, just his profile pic makes me anxious.

You say yours 'believes' you've let him go. Well, of course you have! Nothing wrong with that. He's no good for you, and you've cut your ties. No need for drama.

Mine's not even said when he is back, or how long for. Urgh.

Im struggling to concentrate with work and not so productive today. Im very tired. I can tell he is really struggling and said he is devastated. Strangely this has prompted him to open up a little and be more available however I believe it should have been shared earlier and volunteered, not when in crisis. I hate drama, I think im a classic introvert in some respects. I find strong emotional reactions triggering and difficult to deal with. My anxiety levels go through the roof and I go into self protection mode. Ive been in an abusive relationship before.
I wish i had the strength to completely block in a way but I want to try to ride it out. Are you keeping busy @RussetandGold. Have you heard from him? Are you going to dump?

I would block if I was you as you sound like you are opening yourself up to being hoovered.He sounds like a classic narcissist, but Im not sure you have accepted that might be who he is. Its only been 4.5 months with all this drama, imagine how bad it will get in a years time. I would block, run and never look back.

Its over, move on.
I dont understand why you say that you dont like drama but seem to be sitting waiting for it?
Block, done

@Therealthing43

Im struggling to concentrate with work and not so productive today. Im very tired. I can tell he is really struggling and said he is devastated. Strangely this has prompted him to open up a little and be more available however I believe it should have been shared earlier and volunteered, not when in crisis. I hate drama, I think im a classic introvert in some respects. I find strong emotional reactions triggering and difficult to deal with. My anxiety levels go through the roof and I go into self protection mode. Ive been in an abusive relationship before. I wish i had the strength to completely block in a way but I want to try to ride it out. Are you keeping busy *@RussetandGold*. Have you heard from him? Are you going to dump?

I'm sorry I missed this, @Therealthing43 I did think that maybe your day wouldn't be so productive. Don't get taken in by his trying to open up. Yes, it should have been before, not at this grave-dressing stage.

I'm like you, I don't like confrontation and I don't like drama. My anxiety goes up and I feel like vomiting. It becomes visceral.

I've just this minute ended it with him. I asked what he was doing, and he;s staying another night out, so I just said there and then that I can't stay in the relationship any more and briefly said why. He seemed to want to get into discussion but I said I do not wish to discuss and that I will need a lot of space, and that I will unfriend him on social media as that seems healthier.

I went through and I unfriended him and most of his associates. I can't be doing with seeing his stuff. Still toying a bit with WA and what to do with that. Think I will probably delete the chat and then take it from there.

Hope your day is ok. Plod on, plod on.

@RussetandGold it seems you are in the same place as me. Im feeling more together however extremely tired and drained. Im pleased I have taken away social media so he knows I can't check or see. I looked up Narcissistic and omg it fits.I was thinking and my mother is the same although she is slightly improving. He admitted to having a 'reputation' im thinking re women. Its not good. Im a gentle soul and its turning me upside down and affecting my 'balance.. im too soft. Im thinking he can change. I do feel there are strong feelings but the swings in mood are epic and cause me anxiety.
I thought once emotiins settle he may listen. I havent blocked WhatsApp either but not heard since this morning.
How are you right now?

@Therealthing43 This will be long...

I am a bit shocked that I managed to do that, tbh. I have felt bullied by him for some time. I am pleased I thought it through and did it in a way where it wasn't challenged. It was swift.

Let's concentrate on feeling together, even if tired and drained (which I am, too). I haven't slept properly for nights and nights, always checking my phone for when he would text, always wondering if he was on social media, why not texting me, etc.

A "reputation" re women is not good. Mine was a bit like this, too. Many laydeez on his Facebook and social media, some old girlfriends, some old dates. I was constantly on edge when I would open FB as it would recommend women through him, and they would be his ex-partners. It's like he kept everyone dangling, maybe so they could massage his ego. One of the final straws today was some banter on FB which I knew was innocent, but which could have been misinterpreted by others. He liked being seen as a bit of a ladies' man.

Please don't hold hope for yours. If you take him in, he will continue to treat you badly. Hold on to the memory of that anxiety. Beware the man who causes swings in mood in you.

I'm like you, a gentle soul. I'm very sensitive and I don't want mind games. I don't like ambiguity, I like clarity. I don't like cheats and I don't like liars.

Let's continue to 'talk' on here. It's feels really supportive to have messages on here. I hope you don't mind that I tagged myself onto your thread!

@RussetandGold. What was his reaction and have you heard since?
I'm happy to PM?

@Therealthing43. You were awake early, too! I wish I had checked your thread.

Happy to PK or stay on here... either fine!

He is so narc in his approach. I had to read very, very carefully with him. He has the potential to twist stuff. Indeed, I imagine he is already changing the version of events to make himself look great and me look needy. But I don’t care. Everyone will know what he’s like.

He was clearly shocked, but just said “I was thinking the same” and “I’m glad you have seen this” - like he was showing me, FFS!

He said in amazing but that there is mismatch. I just said I don’t want to talk about it, and that I felt it healthiest to unfriend him on SM. Just a few facts. I know what he is like.

I deleted him on everything, so I don’t know! He could have WA me but I knew he wouldn’t as he usually just falls asleep (yes, really).

How are you coping? Thinking of you!

You seem to be enjoying the situation, if you really weren't one for all this 'drama' you would block on everything including WhatsApp and move on. You would not be entertaining any communication from him, let alone waiting for it. Definitely work on your boundaries.

So many errors - I meant PM, not PK, and I had to tread carefully, not read!

@RussetandGold, I didnt sleep, along with peri menopausal symptoms which coincided with meeting him. Not the best time to start dating? but you can't put your life on hold? I saw so much potential with him. However, it has all been about him,him,him. I often wait for him to ask me a question. I start to switch off sometimes as I'm bored with him talking about himself. Perhaps with my nature, I need to be more assertive. I think this is down to our needs not being met? With him, he says he doesnt feel good enough, has low self esteem and had never talked as much when he met me! You bet!
I think its a defense mechanism from him I just find these men immature.
Mine remains blocked on SM. Yes it sounds like mine has had a string of women, but surely he is looking for love too? he said i am killing it. So by being myself and having a voice I'm killing it?
I dont know. I do try to think positively on the whole but I also have suffered depression/anxiety. So I wonder partly it could be that, as it would take a lot of patience for me to wholy trust and partly he doesnt real want to share as he isnt feeling it enough.
Falls asleep! crap isn't it.
I'd like to organise some councelling and invest in myself.
Do you think you will here from him? Are you working today?

*hear