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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to approach

79 replies

Therealthing43 · 15/10/2020 21:33

So, been dating since end May. I havent been in a relationship for years. He has had a string of relationships. He tells me he loves me. He's told me he has rushed in the past. Lots of effort initially.
Slowly im losing confidence and have nearly ended it a few times. Either it is a communication mismatch or he could be potentially controlling. Im very wary having being in a controlling relationship before. I want healthy boundaries and him to respect them. So here is the issue,which was evident quite early one. He likes to talk about himself.. if i try to contribute to the conversation he feels im interrupting and has mentioned that! so I listen, a lot, almost dare not join in. He doesnt ask much about me apart from putting me on the spot 'tell me about yourself' but which time im a little dumbfounded. I dont feel heard, or loved, or cherished. There are other examples. Eg texting, i will say something and he will respond hours later with something else. So, I dont feel validated. I keep thinking it can change. Its causing resentment and frustration. He seems genuinely upset when I bring it up. I dont have communication issues with other people, I feel i can adjust and read them. Any ideas? it cant be all me but I am questioning myself. Off for a video call with him so I'll be back later. The spark is there, the banter and communication is failing.

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SilverRoe · 17/10/2020 17:35

Well he sounds very emotionally immature. The way you describe his communication style (or lack of it!) and now this petulant reaction?

He’s lashing out in a rather sad way really. I think hopefully this should convince you you have made the right decision? You deserve so much more than this guy and his immaturity, you deserve to be seen and valued. Flowers

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:37

Thank you I know. Shall I unfriend? Sad im so sad

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:39

I guess he is showing to the world thst I am no more not just subtly changing his picture

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SilverRoe · 17/10/2020 17:43

To be honest Id probably unfriend at this point, yes, and then ignore if you can. He looks like he is trying to get a reaction. It’s a very public tantrum though isn’t it? Sure he’s showing the world something - but mostly about him!

I’m sorry it’s painful. He is not making it easier.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:47

Sure is trying to get a reaction yes! I thought more of him than this. and yes its about him! he has also sent me a message saying he is respecting my wish and space. Yesterday he was worried i was going back to online dating! he has no idea!

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RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 17:48

@Therealthing43

I've ended it but im a bit of a mess right now. I let my boundaries slide and that's my responsibility. Im so hurt and disappointed but recognise I need and deserve a better quality of relationship. If he isnt willing to adjust and communicate properly there is no future so best to end it now
I've been following this, not quite finished RTFT but was egging you on to finish with him. Don't beat yourself up about the boundaries thing!

I've been with someone who has spent the best part of 3 years talking about himself and how wonderful he is/his kids are/his home is/his work (or rather how he does it) is. It's fatiguing. As you say, you don't feel validated. I've learnt to nod and mentally think he's a bit of an idiot, but things have also come to the end for me, I think.

Holding your hand. Stay strong!

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:49

Again, im very tempted not to unfriend to shiw I dont have the same level of immaturity! However would anyone else find this behaviour threatening?

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RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 17:51

Just read the last few bits of the thread.
Beware, he will suck you back in. Yes, unfriend. I imagine i will do the same with mine once we have had one last "talk". Be careful - this type will find a way of twisting things to make it about you and not about themselves. I have a script prepared. Mine posted some shit on |FB earlier, too, designed to 'show me'. Infantile.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:53

He is 45! I know better than this. The very fact he think ill ge back to online dating makes me feel ge is projecting and its him on there!

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 17:54

@RussetandGold I feel your pain, I really do

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MollyButton · 17/10/2020 17:55

Just unfriend and block his number.

The odds are that in a little while he may well be back trying to see if you've changed your mind.

And he's probably done this to others, hence a string of old relationships.

You don't have to be "balanced" in relationships. If its not working for you then get rid. You don't have to prove abuse or he's a psycho. Just not being in a real "relationship" when you can both communicate ideas - is enough reason to dump and move on.
Would you buy a house just because it: looks nice, has enough bedrooms, and a good roof. If it is stood at the edge of a crumbling cliff? Or even in the middle of a Forest when it makes you feel claustrophobic?

RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 17:57

Again, im very tempted not to unfriend to shiw I dont have the same level of immaturity! However would anyone else find this behaviour threatening?

Dunno about threatening but as I said above, he might try to suck you back in, and also twist anything you've said.

Mine already did this once. We spent some time apart and then later in passing he said that "when we split up" he told x and y blah blah. It was very iffy, as I hadn't perceived it as splitting up, as such.

Try to detach yourself now. Don't react.

RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 17:59

[quote Therealthing43]@RussetandGold I feel your pain, I really do[/quote]
Flowers Big hug, Realthing. This sucks, but we will get through it.
I was hoping to find someone on here going through the same thing as me, today. There's still a lot left unsaid with mine but once we can get together again (because he's made himself unavailable), I will get my points across. Mostly that he's a narcissistic arsehole.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 18:04

The thing is, I actually said I wanted a break, to give breathing space, so technically hadn't ended it. If he had been mature perhaps we could have talked. However inthink his behaviour is showing he doesnt want to anyway.
@MollyButton I love that analogy.
@RussetandGold, Im done. I just jeed to let my brain catch up. I xould bring up my son with this juveline behaviour. I've worked too hard!
its taken me 12 years to get to this far Sad

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RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 18:18

Yeah, mine is similar. I said I'm worried I can't keep up with his mess, he said he's worried we're not making each other happy, and we've left it at that. He's gone away, so a bit of breathing space. At least you have closure. No point talking and talking. This kind of man won't change.

Mine was still harping on about how clever he is for having a mac and implying i'm not as clever as him, for having a laptop. I was tired of hearing "I think my x/y/z is great" or "I was really clever to do x". Even on FB during his version of your tantrum today, he said something about how he can't believe how amazing he is for having done x or y by himself. Petty.

Be the bigger person. Me too. Bringing up my kids with his shadows over us was hard work. He was secretly competitive about my son. You have done all the right things. Concentrate on your family for now.

I'm the same. It's bloody hard. And lonely. My son's just gone out and I'm by myself! BUT I would have still been alone anyway, as he was forever taking off without me when I had the kids. So there's nothing to lose.

Take hope. There's NOTHING to lose. He was too busy in his own ego space to notice you.

It's fine, 12 years. You will meet someone else when the time is right. I feel the same, I invested all this time in him. But it's not so much investment, it was trying and trying and trying to make it work. We have been patient with these guys. Someone on here said - there's no shortage of dick. YOU are the prize. AND it's ok to be by yourself for a bit. Surround yourself with friends as much as possible.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 19:37

So we have just been in a back amd forth WhatsApp match so to speak. My anxiety levels are high and I gave snapped and unfriended him. Im still not heard and all i was getting was 'Im not prepared this' 'Im not prepared that

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 19:51

I've blocked. He has pushed me and got the reaction he wanted I feel. I just didn't know what else to do.

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RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 20:39

Urgh, poor you. Designed to draw you in, and keep you at the end of that line. So anxiety provoking. You've done the right thing to block him. I expect he actually wanted to keep you going, and he will be shocked that you blocked him.

You did the right thing!

Mine is still posting his shit on Facebook/Instagram, and going on WA without sending me anything. I refuse to write to him. He will probably hold this against me in future discussion.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 21:09

@RussetandGold, its just not like me. I feel i am fair and decent person, but I feel threatened and my barriers come up. Literally whatever I say, he disagrees with, but he says he is not trying to push me away? Its the conflicting actions/reactions that I cant deal with. It leaves me confused. I havent blocked him on whatsapp but im wondering how he will react now. He removed his picture to basically show we are no more then posted to further show it to everyone. Its deliberate and I dont like it.

Keep strong Russet, I dont get it and find it controlling

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goldenharvest · 17/10/2020 21:11

This is a classic case of it is him, not you.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 21:17

I know, i seem to be in flight mode at any contact now. It brings about anxiety. Its the 'Im not prepared' this and that. He is so goddam full of himself its unreal! Also matched by resigning from jobs, nothing is ever his fault! At least if he admitted responsibility it would be something. Im clearly far too out of my depth here Confused

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RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 21:20

Mine is the same, @Therealthing43. I can't say anything with mine as he argues with everything I say. It's the personality type. Mine disagrees with everything I say about our relationship.

Yes, it leaves us feeling confused.

Just block him! What's the point of taking his photo down and then not doing anything else? You are playing the same games as him. Block and move on.

YES controlling. It happens with mine. He has posted all sorts of shit tonight, designed to 'show me' that he will do his own thing. Yet, if I say something about it, he'll say it wasn't for my benefit at all. You can't argue with this type of person. As goldenharvest says - it is him, not you.

STAY STRONG.

I'm taking it hour by hour. Think he will be back tomorrow for a chat in which case I will close it properly. I can't have him with a foot in the door any more.

RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 21:25

@Therealthing43

I know, i seem to be in flight mode at any contact now. It brings about anxiety. Its the 'Im not prepared' this and that. He is so goddam full of himself its unreal! Also matched by resigning from jobs, nothing is ever his fault! At least if he admitted responsibility it would be something. Im clearly far too out of my depth here Confused
I could say almost exactly the same things about mine.

Men like this don't like to be seen as being dumped. They will twist the story. They will try to keep a foot in your door. They'll do anything to keep you reeled in.

The best thing you can do is to listen to those boundaries as they go up. Listen to the anxiety. What is it telling you?

I woke up most days feeling anxious with mine. A feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, most days. It's because you don't know where you are any more, with this sort of personality. Mine has done the same - had work problems in the past but it's never him. Everything - never him. Old relationships? It was the woman who was loopy/wanted a baby/was demanding/committed too much/too little. It was never him.

Think of it as never being able to 'argue' with this type. Mine would start discussions with "I'm not trying to argue" and I'd say, coolly - "neither am I". They get SO defensive.

Well, it won't be your problem any more! You (and I, hopefully) will, in time, find men who engage properly.

Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 21:28

@RussetandGold. I know. Why deactivate your account, then reactivate, remove profile pic with us, then post with a blank photo? Then he said he will change pic at some point in the future. I need to respect his wish. Wtf? I blocked to protect myself as how do i know if he will put up a pic with another women? he has had a string of relationships,has an extremely well paid job and an amazing body.. v attractive. Thats by the by. He wont have a problem finding someone else.
Im taking it hour by hour too. I. sitting in silence trying to rest my mind and body. Im exhausted, confused and feel very small

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Therealthing43 · 17/10/2020 21:33

Yes, he often talked about psycho bitches, even if on the TV. He is not on good terms with the mother of his kids. I did see something in him, but I dont think he is prepared to be vulnerable.. at all! He isnt emotionally available and is trying to make it my fault. I said im not into blame.

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