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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm a prat, please help me keep my dignity

80 replies

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 08:27

I met a guy online six months ago and we have had a FWB thing going on. I fell for him hard but he made it clear after our first encounter that he didn't want more than FWB.

The chemistry was amazing and I haven't had sex like it, I was addicted to him and although it finished in May we resumed after a few weeks as I couldn't stay away from him.

Like an absolute fool I convinced myself that he would fall for me, that the chemistry must mean something. He has past issues and I made all sorts of excuses why he couldn't be with me properly.

Well you've guessed it, he now has a proper girlfriend who he is doing all those coupley things that I was so keen to have with him. He's cooled it with me but I'm guessing leaving things open for the future as he is being vague.

I'm so angry at myself for wasting six months on this guy, boring all my friends with trying to analyse his every move. Wasting time and emotions on a man who didn't like me enough to make me his girlfriend. I feel pathetic that I couldn't see the situation for what it was. I desperately want to message him and ask why her and not me? What does she have that I don't? Please talk me out if this as I need to keep a shred of dignity and self respect but I'm struggling to accept its over.

OP posts:

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 14/10/2020 08:42

Unfortunately just the same way you liked him over someone else or your past exes..... I know it’s hard but don’t read too much into it!
Someone who adores YOU and wants you in their life will come along but before that perhaps do some self development work such as building up your own self esteem and confidence first

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 08:48

I'm trying really hard to work on myself as I'm so angry that I accepted a second rate situation just to have him in my life. The excitement of seeing him and seeing his name pop up on my phone.... pathetic! I can't believe I am that person

OP posts:

SpideryPlants · 14/10/2020 08:49

Don't. He chose not to allow a meaningful connection with you and doesn't deserve more than an idle wondering what might have been. It was not you, perhaps timing. All I would say is value yourself.

orangejuicer · 14/10/2020 08:53

You can have thet feeling again but with someone who is emotionally available. In time you'll look back and think what a dick he is (whether he was or not).

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 08:53

It's so hard to stop thinking about him as I've been thinking about him so much over the past few months. Its like a horrible habit and I get an awful feeling of anxiety over not seeing him again. But he was never my fella to start with so I don't understand why I can't just forget him, I know I need to.

OP posts:

orangejuicer · 14/10/2020 08:54

PS do not message him!

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2020 08:54

Op don’t do that it’s the most desperate thing ever and he’s not going to respect you for it, nor is he going to think wow, she’s right, why not her. Hes going to want to block you and run.

He was clear here, he didn’t want more, you need to block him and try to focus on healing yourself and move on, not being there if he decides to throw a crumb your way, that’s how to retain your dignity.

SmileyClare · 14/10/2020 08:56

He has a "proper girlfriend" so has "cooled it" with you/ left things open/ being vague? So he might like to shag you behind his girlfriend's back then? Ugh he's a self serving twat.

Don't envy his girlfriend. He'll probably treat her like shit too.

Iamthewombat · 14/10/2020 08:57

You are most of the way there already. To getting over it, I mean. You can see your mistake and you are angry. That is good, because it means that you can now start to move on. Obviously do not ever contact him again. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

GilbertMarkham · 14/10/2020 08:57

You're not the first and you won't be the last who's done this.

Who knows what combination of things makes someone fall for/be open to a relationship with one person and not another. It's not always straightforward "he/she is better looking/a higher acheiver/whatever".
I used to absolutely marvel that Michael Hutchence had dumped Helena Christensen for Paula Yates. Keanu Reeves has been out with a large number of exceptionally beautiful actresses, like Claire Forlani, but has recently become official (for the first time) with a last who is not as conventionally beautiful and who's been slated by some for not dyeing her silver hair in her 40s.

There is no "better than", just the weird alchemy that dictates who falls for whom or is open to a relationship with whom.

I think the very fact he didn't want more that the time and you did, sets up an uneven, off kilter dynamic in which we may try to please, put them in a pedestal and be almost needy in a way that is not conducive to the other person falling for us. Or in e a dynamic is set up in someone's head/emotions, they're unlikely to change it.

All you can do is recover, move on. If you can't while in contact with him, you're going to have to go NC.

GilbertMarkham · 14/10/2020 08:59

He has a "proper girlfriend" so has "cooled it" with you/ left things open/ being vague? So he might like to shag you behind his girlfriend's back then? Ugh he's a self serving twat.

Yeah, this too.

If he had integrity, he'd have ended your arrangement definitively.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 08:59

Yes he will see it as desperate and do I really want to know the reasons he prefers her? I blame myself because I knew the score but stupidly thought I could change his mind. If I was 'cool' and didn't hassle him, gave him mindblowing sex then he would like me properly. What a fool!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

QuacksInTheDark · 14/10/2020 09:01

I think he sees women as toys to play with, now a new toy has come along he’s ditched the toy he had. Soon enough he’ll get bored and move on to someone else, or he’ll try with you again in order to fill the gap until the next one. You’ve had a lucky escape as far as I’m concerned.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/10/2020 09:01

We've all been there OP. Don't give yourself such a hard time. Your friends won't mind.
Put your energies into doing nice things for yourself now.
Block him, delete his number, know that you're better off without him.
Those lust chemicals are very powerful things. It literally can feel like an addiction.
Your dignity now will come from closing the door on this and not going back.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 09:02

Yes I agree that he should have ended things with ne formally as there is a horribly vague non closure to this. Obviously I will not pursue him after this, I just feel shit about it.

OP posts:

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/10/2020 09:08

Whatever you feel inside, the diginfied way is to end all contact with him. He's got you strung along as his background girl and that's not what you want to be.

Most likely his current girlfriend refused to accept the FWB deal. She probably told him, all or nothing. They'll be together until he is unfaithful and she finds out. Then they will split, and then he might try to come back to you for more FWB or maybe he'll even make promises he wont keep.

You had some nice times wth him for a while, then you had hopes but they didn't turn out. That isn't a waste of time. A waste of time would be giving him any more of your life. Cut him out. You'll feel better.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 09:08

I definately agree that once I accepted FWB the power dynamic changed and he probably saw me differently. I bent over backwards to not put pressure on him or scare him off, therefore he lost respect for me. Never again will I do this for any man!!!

OP posts:

Scweltish · 14/10/2020 09:09

@SmileyClare

He has a "proper girlfriend" so has "cooled it" with you/ left things open/ being vague? So he might like to shag you behind his girlfriend's back then? Ugh he's a self serving twat.

Don't envy his girlfriend. He'll probably treat her like shit too.

I disagree. He’s been open and honest from the beginning, ‘he made it clear from our first encounter that he didn’t want more than fwb’. As soon as he’s started pursuing a proper relationship with someone else, he’s stopped the arrangement with the op. He’s being vague now as presumably he doesn’t know what’s going to happen with this new girl, and would probably be happy to resume fwb status with the op if it doesn’t work out. He’s not lied or strung the op along, as far as he’s concerned she’s just as happy with the arrangement as he is.

ginghamtablecloths · 14/10/2020 09:15

Don't worry yourself about why he prefers her instead. The way he has behaved isn't worth the headspace. Delete his number and move on OP just as he has. Get on with the rest of your life - that is the best way to keep your dignity.

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2020 09:17

@QuacksInTheDark

I’m not sure about that, you’re reading more into this than the op has said. He was clear from th first date he didn’t wish a relationship with her. (Sorry op) plenty of people have fwb relationships, it doesn’t mean that they see the opposite sex as toys.

Also him leaving it vague could be the ops interpretation, because she’s still hoping for more, where as he’s thinking there never was a relationship so what’s to say, he’s stopped seeing her. And is now in a relationship, which is the right thing to do.

As the op went out her way to act like she also just wished fwb his view on what’s required communication wise will be different.

The op likely sees it as vague as she wishes to think she will get back with him and it won’t work out with this woman. He’s thinking we are still friends, it’s no biggie.

This is the issue when someone agrees to be fwb when they don’t actually wish to be and then lie about it, the two sides are totally distant on how they view what’s occurring,

SmileyClare · 14/10/2020 09:20

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but this FWB is never a good idea is it? All the women on here with a fwb seem really unhappy, develop feelings or it ends in tears. It seems to suit men but women usually can't separate sex and emotion.

He's hardly a "friend" is he? He's not your friend now he's bored with the sex.

Op I would say avoid no strings sex relationships. They don't work for you. There are other ways to meet your needs until you find someone who wants a normal relationship with you.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 09:22

I'm no contact with him as I know if I message him I will end up asking or saying something horribly cringe. Plus I know that I need no contact to move on. I can't bring myself to delete his number and I think thats because deep down.... I just keep repeating to myself, dont allow this to happen again, like a mantra in my head.

OP posts:

QuacksInTheDark · 14/10/2020 09:25

Did he know you’d developed feelings OP? If I knew a bloke I was FWB with was falling in love I’d end it quick sharp it’s not nice to mess with people’s feelings like that. If he’s carried on shagging you knowing you wanted more than him that’s a bit shit really.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 09:26

Weirdly I have had FWB before and not got attached at all. It was nice but no feelings developed and it was mutual. This particular guy got in my head this time, he was devastatingly attractive in a very non conventional way.

OP posts:

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/10/2020 09:29

The positive you can take away from this is learning from it. Don't beat yourself up for stuff you've done in the past. As pp's have said block, move on and work on your self.

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