I'm a prat, please help me keep my dignity

[Mermaidwaves]

I met a guy online six months ago and we have had a FWB thing going on. I fell for him hard but he made it clear after our first encounter that he didn't want more than FWB.

The chemistry was amazing and I haven't had sex like it, I was addicted to him and although it finished in May we resumed after a few weeks as I couldn't stay away from him.

Like an absolute fool I convinced myself that he would fall for me, that the chemistry must mean something. He has past issues and I made all sorts of excuses why he couldn't be with me properly.

Well you've guessed it, he now has a proper girlfriend who he is doing all those coupley things that I was so keen to have with him. He's cooled it with me but I'm guessing leaving things open for the future as he is being vague.

I'm so angry at myself for wasting six months on this guy, boring all my friends with trying to analyse his every move. Wasting time and emotions on a man who didn't like me enough to make me his girlfriend. I feel pathetic that I couldn't see the situation for what it was. I desperately want to message him and ask why her and not me? What does she have that I don't? Please talk me out if this as I need to keep a shred of dignity and self respect but I'm struggling to accept its over.

In the kindest way (been here) try and focus all your energy on working out why you were attracted to a man who was unavailable. This is where the personal growth lies and will lead you to the happy relationship you want. Are you avoidant? Do you have commitment issues/are you scared of being hurt. That stuff. I so know what it feels like to have the rare attraction thing not reciprocated and feel
Like there is a shortage of decent attractive available men but in my case it was daddy/ self esteem issues.

He knew I had feelings yes, we skirted around it but he knew. The vagueness could be due to both points of view offered by PP. He didnt tell me initially he had someone, I had to directly ask him as he had gone quiet on me. Who knows, I do feel he would want to resume FWB in the future as in my experience men aren't scared to tell you directly if they don't want to see you again. He hasn't said anything like that, but I need to stay strong so I don't get suckered in again. Again that mantra in my head.

One of the things I have learnt this year is that how a guy treats you should be one of the core reasons why you like him, or why you don’t.

It’s one of the things about a guy that is least likely to improve with time, that is the last thing you should think to try to change.

Have had this exact scenario recently, and this paradigm has helped me a lot. How he treats me is a more important factor than his banter, his sense of humour, his snuggliness, etc. Make it your top factor in how you like a guy, and fight those instincts!

Yes I am quite scared of commitment and being hurt so his unavailability was irresistible. Confusingly though I wanted him to commit to me more than FWB sigh

You need to avoid getting into the situation in the first place. That's the one way to avoid it happening.
For starters, did his OLD profile say - want to date but nothing serious? Only meet those looking for a GF. Then, if a man says he only wants FWB, that's the main ment to get shut of him, not take it as an opportunity to convince him otherwise.
When you say he told you after the first encounter, do you mean sexual encounter or first meet? He's a twat if he told you after sex occurred. I'm guessing you found out about the new GF on social media, if just going by what he says, it could be lies to keep you in your place.

Don't beat yourself up, you had lots of great sex so it wasn't all bad. Think carefully about what you will do if he comes back in the future.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but this FWB is never a good idea is it

I would tend to agree, there is always one side who wants more. There was a woman posting the other day how her fwb hadn’t emotionally supported her,

Male or female, offering sex as a way to get a relationship very rarely works and usually results in someone getting hurt.

I do feel he would want to resume FWB in the future as in my experience men aren't scared to tell you directly if they don't want to see you again

Op, is this maybe you’re hoping his relationship won’t work out snd he will come back to you, because you’re struggling to accept it’s over.

In my experience men can be very unclear, it sounds like unless he says to you it is over snd he never wishes to see you again then you’ve still got a chance. That’s not a healthy way to think

His profile said he wanted a relationship and before we shagged he was doing all the chasing, very keen, the usual story we met, the chemistry was bam! And then he backed off, said he only wanted FWB and like a twat I didn't end it there.

I asked him if he has a girlfriend a few weeks ago as he had gone quiet and he confirmed he has. There is recent evidence on social media of a girl in his life so I believe he does.

I'm confused because I still crave him but I know that even if his new thing doesn't work out and he comes back, it will be on the same terms and I dont want that as it hurts.

OP block him and don't torture yourself. Stop hoping for him to come back to you. Stop thinking about him and analyzing the situation.

He is not a decent guy to have lied to you. There is no shortage of single men, just get yourself back on dating scene and next time don't use FWB as a way of earning stripes for a relationship.

I know its best he doesn't come back because he won't offer me more, why would he when he didn't want it before.

And no I will never stay in a FWB if I develop feelings because you can't convince a man to love you. Harsh lesson learnt.

This happened to me. I didn't have mumsnet in my life and managed to do it twice with the same awful bloke. First of all he messaged me one day and said, "I've met someone... all the best." and expected me to slink away. I didn't and he was horrible to my begging.

Second time, he went silent like yours so I asked if he had someone and he said yes. I asked why her and not me. Surprisingly I got an answer which devastated me. From him saying they had a deep emotional connection to him saying he didn't actually like me to more or less telling me I wasn't good enough and that I was making up what I 'thought' we had. It took a long time to get over all that.

You posting on MN is positive. You know it's not the best decision to message him asking why despite being desperate to do so. The answer, if you get an answer will not be what you want.

There is no accounting for taste and if he wanted you, he'd come and get you. Someone will want you I promise. And he will be better than this toad who is clearly keeping his options open for a shag.

Your feelings will fade but it will probably take a few months. I had a similar situation and I got too obsessed and went out of my way to do things to make sure I was the best sex he'd ever had. Complete waste of my time when I look back at it. He was never going to commit.
Be prepared to be strong when he comes back asking to resume the fwb situation.
I occasionally get messages from him hinting that we should meet up and see if the chemistry is still there - I have a baby and a happy relationship now, but he is still chancing his luck

OP, you are doing the "pick me" dance. You like him, he isn't that into you, we've all been there at some point and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you!

No need for any regrets, you had a fairly uncomplicated short term relationship with great sex. Fun while it lasted.

Now focus on you and enjoy being single.

This other woman was secure in herself and would never accept FWB. She probably laughed in his face when/if he suggested it. It happened to a friend of mine. She was like “you’re joking mate. Who do you think I am. You go have a think but don’t take too long because I’ve got other dates lined up for next weekend” they’ve now been together for almost two years and he’s besotted with her. She nipped that bullshit and established top dog. She was fully prepared to walk away and he knew it. That’s where you went wrong. At that moment, you disrespected yourself so he disrespected you right back. Never act like that again. Go into therapy and start building yourself up.

Please don't do anything.

The fact that he has 'cooled it' and is potentially holding you in reserve tells you all you need to know about him. He is clearly not a very nice person.

Let him go. He is not good enough for you. Focus on yourself and having a nice time. If you want a serious relationship then tell men that is what you are looking for. Don't settle for anything less. The serious geniune ones will stick around and the players will fall away. FWBs are a recipe for disaster IMO. You're always going to end being hurt unless you have a heart of steel.

I'm sorry but I'm not going to join the chorus of comdemnation regarding this guy. From the information given he made it perfectly clear how he saw and felt about the relationship right from the outset and as far as I can see he never gave any indication he had changed his mind or waivered from that. That you got emotionally involved is always the danger with any FWB arrangement, because that is what it was, an arrangement. He has now gone onto form a relationship with somebody else, which was always going to happen and hopefully you will too. As someone famous wrote , "Nothing compares, no worries or cares.Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?".

Reading some of your recent replies, I’m not sure what you’re hoping to achieve from this thread. I say this because you’re not taking the logical steps to move on from this situation and maintain your self esteem.

You say you don’t want to delete his number, but logically this would be a fine step towards not pursuing someone who is unavailable.

You say you crave him, but you know that he is likely in a monogamous relationship- or at least on the way to getting into one. Your comments would suggest that you’re open to him coming back at a later stage should his new relationship not work out. I wonder why you would consider opening yourself up to such an arrangement.

Totally agree with a previous poster who talked about there not necessarily being a reason for why two people don’t work in a romantic sense: it doesn’t make you lacking or inferior in anyway. It’s just a misalignment of energies and romantic fits. No doubt you have felt a similar disconnect with someone who was more interested in you.

If he has lead you on and given you mixed signals, as you suggest, then he isn’t someone who would be a good relationship partner for you anyway.

Level up. Set your sights on emotionally available men and don’t be ashamed of openly seeking a relationship if that is ultimately what you want.

Not the point of the thread, but I wasn't the least bit surprised that Michael Hutchence left Helena Christensen for Paula Yates.
I don't agree that his behaviour has been acceptable: if he's got a girlfriend, then he oughtn't to have 'cooled it' with you - he ought to have 'finished it' with you. If you don't meet his bar for gf material, you shouldn't wait around to see if his relationship doesn't progress and he needs to get his dick wet again, ffs 🙄

Yea, just block him, then you can move on without the wondering if he will ever get in touch. Remember the moment he said only FWB, and think of the emotional pain you would of saved yourself if you'd ended it then, take that as learnt experience going forward. Might help to not have sex too early on, whatever the level of chemistry at the time, saves a lot of heartache down the line. In fact the deeper the chemistry, the more caution, as these will always be the ones who you fall for easiest, it's human nature, all those hormones. Mind over matter in the end to get what you want, so you've taken the time to weed out the timewasters.

I can't bring myself to delete his number

Oh dear this is a Major Problem Op. Despite all your determined words and mantras, until you delete his number and stop looking at his social media you will be putty in his hands.

I can't help thinking he's the type that wants the ego boost of women falling for him. He knew you had feelings, got you right where he wanted you but of course he had "commitment issues" he'd been hurt in the past..a poor tortured soul. That made you think that with time and understanding, he could be healed and get over his "issues".

Of course that was all rubbish. It's quite likely that he's telling his new gf the same excuses.

You need to start actively disliking this man!

I am taking logical steps to move on I've already said that I'm not in contact with him and that I know he won't ever offer me more, therefore its over. My thread was venting about how stupid I've been and that I've learnt my lesson about trying to convince a man to love me by giving him great sex and being the 'cool' girl.

My last reply was to anon

I did this, a good few years ago now but exactly as you describe. I didn’t waste 6 months though, more like 7 or 8 years 😱 Dated others in between but kept going back, thinking this time he’d realise how cool I was, this time he’ll get it and we’ll live happily ever after, and guess what? He didn’t 😆

I’ve had a long time to think about it and I think it was just a challenge for me, I’m not sure about you but I had mostly had men chasing me up until him but he was a bit indifferent and so I just wanted him to want me. And the more he seemed not bothered the more I tried. I’m not sure I even wanted him really, I thought I did at the time of course but looking back he was a bit of a tool and I’m sure it was far more an ego thing for me.

I wasted a lot of time, wrecked a few promising relationships when they didn’t compare to him, and just generally let him have far too much space in my head for far too long. The last time I saw him for sex, something just clicked somehow and I couldn’t even do it, I just left and never contacted him again. Best thing that could have happened, I finally moved on. He never would have ended it because he was getting what he wanted, just like your guy has been deliberately vague with you, to keep the door open for the future.

Please don’t waste as long as I did, if they aren’t feeling it they never will. And even if by some miracle he did, you’d feel like second choice now. Fuck him off, stay no contact and if he does creep into your head, focus on the negatives til it passes! The right one will not fuck you around like this, he’ll leave you in no doubt that you’re good enough. Because you are! And if he couldn’t see it, he can cock off.

Incidentally I saw mine a couple of years ago at a local theme park with one of his kids, he looked fat and old. So that was something 😆