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Original poster

I'm a prat, please help me keep my dignity

80 replies

Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 08:27

I met a guy online six months ago and we have had a FWB thing going on. I fell for him hard but he made it clear after our first encounter that he didn't want more than FWB.

The chemistry was amazing and I haven't had sex like it, I was addicted to him and although it finished in May we resumed after a few weeks as I couldn't stay away from him.

Like an absolute fool I convinced myself that he would fall for me, that the chemistry must mean something. He has past issues and I made all sorts of excuses why he couldn't be with me properly.

Well you've guessed it, he now has a proper girlfriend who he is doing all those coupley things that I was so keen to have with him. He's cooled it with me but I'm guessing leaving things open for the future as he is being vague.

I'm so angry at myself for wasting six months on this guy, boring all my friends with trying to analyse his every move. Wasting time and emotions on a man who didn't like me enough to make me his girlfriend. I feel pathetic that I couldn't see the situation for what it was. I desperately want to message him and ask why her and not me? What does she have that I don't? Please talk me out if this as I need to keep a shred of dignity and self respect but I'm struggling to accept its over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 10:29

WTAF yep your post resonates a lot! Its the time wasted on my head that I'm so annoyed at myself with, and yes I've dismissed fellas since meeting him cos the chemistry isnt as good. Love that you can laugh at him now! Grin

OP posts:
BeeyatchPlease · 14/10/2020 10:35

Oh this sounds all too familiar! Totally a case of been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

It's the most cutting hurt I thought I had/would ever feel but time is a wonderful healer and helps put things into perspective.

You've got it straight in your head that it's over and he's been a grade-A cockwomble so that's a positive start. All you can do is concentrate on you, refuse to give him any more of your thoughts and try to move on. It's hard but it will get better and there is definitely someone else out there with whom you'll have equally as amazing chemistry and they won't be a self absorbed fuckboy.

SandyY2K · 14/10/2020 10:36

@Scweltish

I disagree. He’s been open and honest from the beginning, ‘he made it clear from our first encounter that he didn’t want more than fwb’. As soon as he’s started pursuing a proper relationship with someone else, he’s stopped the arrangement with the op. He’s being vague now as presumably he doesn’t know what’s going to happen with this new girl, and would probably be happy to resume fwb status with the op if it doesn’t work out. He’s not lied or strung the op along, as far as he’s concerned she’s just as happy with the arrangement as he is.

100% bang on.

There was no deception. You were just hoping you could change his mind as you liked him a lot.

Maybe that's what put him off a proper relationship with you, as he obviously found you attractive enough to sleep with.

A relationship with him would never have been equal, because your feelings for him didn't match his fir you and probably never would have.

The reason he prefers her could be anything really..from her age, occupation, personality, ...absolutely anything.

It doesn't mean she's better than you in any way, just that she may be more suited to what he wants.

Some men in their 30s/40s would rather date a younger woman than them, because they aren't ready for the commitment that a 30 something or 40 something year old woman would want.

It's really not a reflection on you, so keep being who you are.

sofato5miles · 14/10/2020 10:36

I have had two FWB and they both 'caught the feels' when i didn't. ( Then was unceremoniously dumped by my next v serious boyfriend) Sexual relationships are complex and our triggers are all so personal.

Do not beat yourself up. Just concentrate on going absolutely no contact and start the moving on process. No more time to waste on this guy. He is not a good match for you

SoulofanAggron · 14/10/2020 10:41

Block him on everything, you'll feel so much better for it.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 10:41

No there was no deception, I was a fool for not listening with my head, but my stupid heart. Its the stopping thinking about him I'm struggling with, I know there is absolutely no future in this.

OP posts:
Frownette · 14/10/2020 10:50

You're ok chickpea, you'll get over this.

Try to change your mindset to it was a few months great sex and that's all it was.

Focus on yourself now and conserve your precious energy, it just sounds like it was the right set of circumstances for him and new girlfriend, but let's see how long that lasts.

Relegate him to the past and you'll meet someone who adores you.

Suzi888 · 14/10/2020 10:54

Do not message him and do not let yourself be used by him again! Block!
It’s pointless torturing yourself by thinking why her, not me. It is, what it is, just don’t go back for more! Confused

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 10:59

I won't message and I won't go back I promise Smile oh to find that chemistry again though with a man who wants me back.... I'm so scared it won't happen for me Sad I'm unconventionally attractive if that makes sense... pretty for a big girl and all that type of thing.

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SimplyRadishing · 14/10/2020 11:00

Block his number then Delete all messages and your call history.
Do things to distract yourself. (Go for a walk, bake something, read a good book)
Be kind to yourself.

I had similar and it was crushing. Three months later I was still reeling but semi functioning and went on a tinder date to try and get back out there. (We got married a few weeks ago)
You honestly don't know what is coming round the corner

Collidascope · 14/10/2020 11:04

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

There was this thread a while back. Think there was also a part two where he continued to try and contact her. It's not entirely like your situation, but the OP had the same heartbreak and urge to get in touch, but managed to refrain. Give it a read. It might help.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 11:06

I'm back on POF trying to forget him, my is it dire! Shock all the men seem the same, crimewatch type profile pics looking for a supermodel.

simplyradishing thats great you met someone better, thats happy news Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 11:09

collidascope will have a read thanks. I have appreciated all input on his thread as it might help some other poor lass in the fuure who's been as daft as me.

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anonnnnni · 14/10/2020 11:16

‘My thread was venting about how stupid I've been and that I've learnt my lesson about trying to convince a man to love me by giving him great sex and being the 'cool' girl’

It’s clear you’re looking to give yourself a talking to on this site but not so clear as to how you’re going to protect your heart from this man and others like him going forward.

Frownette · 14/10/2020 11:31

Are you sure you need a boyfriend at the moment? Wouldn't it be better to focus on yourself?

Suzi888 · 14/10/2020 11:37

You’ll find someone @Mermaidwaves it just takes time. It’s particularly difficult at the moment due to bloody covid I imagine! Sad Take care of yourself, I know it’s all a bit boring at the moment, but it won’t last forever.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 11:37

anon its pretty clear by going no contact and accepting its over that I'm moving forward. Not sure what else really I'm supposed to do?

No I dont need a boyfriend its more out of curiosity that I've had a look online, my profile is hidden I was just having a nose to see who's out there.

OP posts:
RachelHRD · 14/10/2020 12:39

Try Bumble rather than PoF, I preferred it as there's generally a bit more info about tthe guys on there.
It's very hard not to get invested with a fwb with whom you have a great connection, I've been there! But I'm now happily in a long term relationship which isn't solely based on sex. Good luck x

anonnnnni · 14/10/2020 12:56

Ok, well if you think you’re on the right path and doing everything you can then best of luck to you. There’s some excellent advice on this thread- particularly around going NC.

PippaRose · 14/10/2020 14:04

I think you are being hard on yourself. Lots of people have been in this situation, I know I have! I very much doubt it’s anything you did or didn’t do.

You will forget about him in time and wonder what you were thinking.

Wishing you all the best

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 14/10/2020 14:43

Thanks ladies Smile I appreciate all the advice and well wishes.

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workhomesleeprepeat · 14/10/2020 14:54

Well OP, be glad it was only a few months and you now know how silly you’ve been.

I had a friend who was trying to Cool Girl/FWB her way into a relationship with a guy who had an interest in shagging her and getting her to listen to his problems for a year and a half!!

It really damaged her confidence so I hope that doesn’t happen to you. Maybe give yourself a little break from men. Dating while you still have feelings for your former FWB is not a great idea

bebarkered · 14/10/2020 21:06

Have you read John Gray's book Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus? OK, it's 'getting on a bit now', but, excellent for learning about dating and relationships. X

IncandescentSilver · 15/10/2020 06:37

He sounds very manipulative, and I say that because all along he has known that you wanted more.

You can get addicted to the adrenalin an uncertain relationship brings. It's the little bits of positive reinforcement that get you hooked, desperate to hang around for more.

I've been the new girlfriend with a man like this. He knew I wouldn't do FWB so morphed into the perfect girlfriend, before cheating on me and dumping me because he had cheated. He treated the woman he cheated on me with as a FWB and dumped her after a couple of months.

Men like this treat women like objects, to be used and discarded. You haven't missed out and you couldn't have done anything differently, as this will be his modus operandi with women. Console yourself with the fact that sleazebags age quickly because it's shows on their faces!

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 15/10/2020 07:17

incandescentsilver not surprisingly this guy has never properly settled or been married so I guess he's always done this with women at various levels. Which makes him such a cliche and me worse for thinking I could influence him Angry

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