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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single 24 year old mum of 4. Who’s going to want me?

79 replies

lessismore1 · 13/10/2020 22:54

I’m a single mum of 4 children and I’m 24 years old (ages 5-1) Left an emotionally abusive relationship, we was engaged and he is the dad to my youngest DC. My other children’s dad wants nothing to do with them (all the same father) and I’m stuck on benefits.

I love my DC but don’t ever see a way that I’ll be able to have a relationship again (not that I’m looking or interested but when I look to the future it feels very bleak) or move forward with my life.

Let’s be honest who’s going to want to be with someone who’s a single mum to 4 on benefits at my age :(

OP posts:

jessstan1 · 13/10/2020 22:57

A single dad on benefits might be interested but I doubt you'd want that.

Later on, when the children are grown and you can please yourself a bit more, even get a job, you will have more opportunities.

clpsmum · 13/10/2020 23:00

Please don't listen to @jessstan1 many more people would be interested in you than a single dad on benefits ffs!

The nice guys that see who you are regardless of your situation and judges you for you rather than your financial situation or how many children you have. The arseholes that can't see past that are not worth it anyway.

When you are ready it will happen. Sending hugs

Breastfeedingworries · 13/10/2020 23:03

A single dad might feel the same way. When they’re bit older they’ll be more scope and time, do you have any support? Anyone who’d watch them so you could date ect.

There’s also lot more job opportunities to work from home.

Peanutbutterjelly10 · 13/10/2020 23:04

Please work on yourself first. The right man will come into your life when you're ready to accept that. You've just got out of an abusive relationship and need time to build yourself back up

titchy · 13/10/2020 23:06

@Peanutbutterjelly10

Please work on yourself first. The right man will come into your life when you're ready to accept that. You've just got out of an abusive relationship and need time to build yourself back up

A billion times this. Have a few years - yes years - relationship free. Work on yourself, your self esteem, how to be happy in your own skin. You don't need a bloke to make you complete.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2020 23:08

Your options are obviously more limited than most.

4 kids and no fathers around will scare a lot of men who want a serious relationship off. That's the reality.

Do you have childcare to go on dates even?

On the plus side you're very young, so even when the kids are older, you'll still be young enough.

Bunnymumy · 13/10/2020 23:10

It's hard to imagine when you're young but relationships really aren't the be all and end all. I found once I got into my later 20s I started to care more about friendships ect than men. Not to say it'll go that way for you but I've got friends that say the same.

Also, you've had your kids young so that's actually really handy. It means you will be able to freely enjoy your mid - later years, perhaps with a partner, travelling and having adventures.

Also...just a side note i've recently started seeing someone for the first time in ages where I thought it might actually go somewhere and yet i find myself worrying about potential loss of freedoms. Even though I adore him I'm thinking, would I rather just stay single? It's funny how it just kind of creeps up on you. The idea of a partner sounds nice but in practice is it really all its cut out to be? Even when they actually turn out to be decent folk.

You may decide that actually, you just dont need a guy. But if you want one, theres plenty of time to meet them and when the kids are a bit older, it should be easy enough.

ReneeRol · 13/10/2020 23:22

You're young. Forget about any man for the moment. You need to work on yourself so you can build yourself up and eventually move into a better position where you can take care of your kids and own your own life.

You should focus on education and training so that you can get a good job. A lot of that can be done online now so it's very accessible. You need ambition to improve your lifes circumstances and a vision of where you want to go.

Tbh, the type of man who would go for a single 24 year old on benefits with four kids, probably doesn't have any other options for a reason. You probably don't want that man near your kids.

Be as good as you want to attract. Have standards, you want someone who is kind, loving, good with kids, a positive addition to your family. You need to be and raise your kids to be, a positive addition to that partners life too.

widespreadpanic · 13/10/2020 23:24

I dated a guy with three kids , it was too much for me but he doesn’t have a problem finding dates.

But you’re young, I think the last thing you should worry about is dating and more try working on yourself and finding fulfillment and joy being alone for a while.

stayathomer · 13/10/2020 23:25

You're 24 and you have 4 kids, you've an amazing achievement right there, you're out of an abusive relationship which means you're strong. Try and enjoy life and your kids and you know the saying 'when you least expect it!'

ainsisoisje · 13/10/2020 23:30

You have loads of time! I echo @staysthomers comments

Lozzerbmc · 13/10/2020 23:32

Dont worry about men - you’re only 24 - work on thinking about yourself, your DCs and your future. What job will you do when kids all old enough for school? Plan and train for it, to create a better life for yourself. Plenty of time to meet Mr Right!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/10/2020 23:39

I agree with the PP’s. Enjoy your children, figure out what you’d like to do career-wise and find out about the training available to get there. Most colleges have childcare so you can probably focus on building your skills for the next few years and then start a career in something you enjoy.

You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to meet a new partner.

MMmomDD · 14/10/2020 00:44

OP - when you look into the future and see it as bleak - it may turn out that way if you rely on a relationship as a way of moving forward with your life.
You tried it with Man #2, and now he is gone and you have one more baby.
And I do hope, for your kids sake that you will now try to focus on moving forward with your life relying on yourself instead.

Did you ever had a plan/idea of what you wanted to do in life - before/while you had your kids’s with Man #1?

If you didn’t - you need to start thinking of what you can do so that your bleak version of the future doesn’t come true.
I don’t know what that may mean practically, and it’s probably not even very possible just yet. But as people keep saying - you are young. And in a few years when more of the kids are at nursery/school - you will have more time.

Getting a plan going and eventually a job - would go a long way towards making a better future for you and your kids.

As to relationships - at the short term - you really need to rather focus on your kids. I am not sure I’d trust most men you’d attract at this point. I think lots will see you as quite vulnerable and would want to exploit it.
You’ll have a far better shot at a relationship when kids are older.
There is still time.

Fancycrackers · 14/10/2020 00:53

Enjoy these early years with your kids. Build the best, loving home for them that you can. Prioritise looking after you and working on what you want to do in the near and distant future, any training you want to do, hobbies you enjoy and can find time to fit in. Focus on getting through these tough days because life has been turned upside down for everyone. Take some relief in having escaped your abusive relationship and you and your kids are safe. Search out for those things rather than a man.

OldWomanSaysThis · 14/10/2020 03:31

I have a relative who divorced with 5 children under age 10 and she had no trouble dating and re-marrying.

Pinnn · 14/10/2020 04:16

You are so young, don't worry. But focus on yourself and kids for now, build your independence. Being independent is the best you can do for yourself so you don't have to settle or rely on anyone in future. You can do it 💪

FourPlasticRings · 14/10/2020 04:27

I'd avoid dating anyway if I were you. Sounds like you've got enough on your plate. And it would worry me that the type of man you might attract might be attracted for the wrong reasons.

OldChinaJug · 14/10/2020 04:52

I agree with the others. Focus on yourself, education, working, your children.

As someone else said, it will limit your options for a few years but those years will fly by (believe me!) and then you will be in a better position.

What sort of job would you like? What would you actually like to do with your life? What do you want? Those are the things to focus on now. In order to provide a happy life for yourself and your children. Offering what you want to attract for yourself is the best thing you can do.

I wouldn't consider dating a man on benefits who had sole custody of 4 children (esp at 5 or under) no matter how nice he was. Would you?

It's right to be positive but you also need to he realistic.

The OP needs to focus on herself and her children. And there are still no guarantees even then.

mathanxiety · 14/10/2020 05:30

Steer clear of men for a while.

Focus on you and your children.

You need to provide a stable, secure home for them. They have had a rocky start, with a father who doesn't want to have anything to do with them and another man who was abusive I'm the home.

The children's needs must be your priority now.

If there is any way you can get into continuing education or training once the youngest are a little older and the older ones are in school, I really recommend you seize any chance you can find.

In particular, look out for opportunities to train in a historically male occupation because they pay best and there is no special mystique to any of them that prevents women from succeeding at them.

You may even meet a decent man in the process.

But you need to take a break and look after your little family for a few years.

Iwonder08 · 14/10/2020 06:34

OP, you have a job to raise 4 children. Don't measure your success based on your desirability or popularity among men.
Also by the time you are 40 your kids will be all grown up and independent and you can do many things with your life. I have a friend who was a single mum of 2 by the time she was 21. No degree, no family support. She is now 50. Uber successful, great career, loads of money and a nice bloke. Wasn't easy though

BonnieMcflurry · 14/10/2020 06:40

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cultkid · 14/10/2020 06:55

@Bonniemcflurry

What an awful awful thing to say

Having children by two fathers is not unusual these days in the fragmented world we live in.

How dare you make such a disgusting and crass comment.

I strongly doubt you pay enough taxes in a year to even cover half of the benefits this lady is entitled to and needs

OP:
I think you should focus on developing your friendships. These can be just as rewarding in terms of adult company, if not better.
When your 2 year old goes to nursery (they will get free hours, no?)
Can you look at training as a TA or something similar and expand your options for when they are at school? That will help you to enhance their own experience of education too.

When you are stable and happy in your life that is when you will find a partner (if that's what you need) but I think right now having a caring, respectful, nurturing relationship with another adult is actually what you're trying to articulate you want.

You have been abused and you have escaped. You are 24 and mustered the courage to do that. No matter what the harsh judgement was that you experienced from society. You are amazing!!! I wouldn't be able to do it, 24 never mind now at 28. I really respect that

To the other poster questioning if I would go for a man on benefits who has 4 kids

No I wouldn't because I think anyone on benefits gets child care from 2? So I would expect them to work.
Also typically and you can argue all you want but we all know the stats, the majority of child care falls on the mum. Therefore I would think he was a deadbeat and a loser for not working and not looking after the kids

But for the grace of god it isn't you to all the other rude posts

HTH

fmlfmlfmlfm · 14/10/2020 07:01

My friend found a dad to her 4 kids under 6, and then they had a 5th. It does happen.

But use this time to train. Go to open uni / college and work on a degree/ qualification get your job prospects sorted so you don't have to live on a life of benefits. Good luck op. Work on you.

labellesusage · 14/10/2020 07:12

My dil was in your situation. Mid 20's 3 kids. My son mid 20's started going out with her 2 years ago. They now live together and he brings up those children as if they are his own. The dad (sperm donor) has nothing to do with them.
So I have gained 3 lovely grandchildren and a wonderful dil. Don't loose hope. The right man is out there looking for you now. You both just don't know it.

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