Single 24 year old mum of 4. Who’s going to want me?

[lessismore1]

I’m a single mum of 4 children and I’m 24 years old (ages 5-1) Left an emotionally abusive relationship, we was engaged and he is the dad to my youngest DC. My other children’s dad wants nothing to do with them (all the same father) and I’m stuck on benefits.

I love my DC but don’t ever see a way that I’ll be able to have a relationship again (not that I’m looking or interested but when I look to the future it feels very bleak) or move forward with my life.

Let’s be honest who’s going to want to be with someone who’s a single mum to 4 on benefits at my age :(

I think if you're in this situation you really need to work on your self esteem and sort your 'picker' out in terms of choosing partners. Getting pregnant 4 times by two different men who don't see you as long term by the age of 24 could have been avoided with higher expectations. In truth until you sort yourself out you will only be successive rather than successful and only end up with a string of further mistakes. I would work on improving yourself, your job prospects and your quality of life and then you will be in a much better position to embark on a new relationship. Yes it will be harder and you will have a more limited dating pool than others your age but certainly not impossible to meet a good guy.

I’m unsure how honest you want posters to be OP.
I’m very much of the opinion if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all but given you’ve asked...

Your current situation isn’t overly attractive and I feel like were a man in the same situation I would rule him out as a potential partner. Not because of ‘benefits’ or ‘kids’ but because at this stage of life, 4 kids under 5, who has the actual time/focus to be in a fab new relationship and give that real time/energy. It’s a ‘ready made family’ situation and lots don’t want that.

However, this is a temporary stage of life and in your situation I would say OWN IT!! ❤️ Enjoy your kids, do what you want to do without the influence of any man. In 5-10 years time your life will look very different. When you are 40 your youngest will be 15/16!

You’ve got so much time ahead of you and let’s be honest right now it’s shit for anyone dating, social distancing isn’t exactly romantic!

A nice man would be more interested in you than anything else and might love a ready made family. Don't put yourself down and try to find time for yourself if at all possible to pursue any hobbies or studying that will hopefully enable you to find like-minded people. And as you've had your family very young, you have a whole lot of time ahead of you.

Don't date anybody yet until you have sorted yourself out so that you are thinking instead, Who will be good enough for me and my kids?
You dont need anyone love yourself first.

Other people have talked about focusing on your career and education. Yes to that but also focus on building friendships etc - relationships do tend to take up a lot of free time, especially in the early days, and you probably don't have a lot of that with 4 children to look after. Even if the person you meet now is lovely, you will almost certainly end up missing out on opportunities to broaden your social circle in order to spend time with one person. Its very much a don't put all your eggs in one basket scenario (in case the basket turns out to be a dickhead).
I do understand the loneliness. Its especially hard to be a single parent (or single full stop) at the moment since if you don't live with another adult the opportunity for hugs/any physical contact with someone who isn't permanently sticky (much as sticky children hugs are a blessing in their own way) are massively reduced.

You need to concentrate on your DC and yourself. Be very careful about who you choose to let in. Don't let them meet the DC too soon. No early sleepovers, there are men that will use you for a place to stay and there are cunts that will like women with children because they are evil. You don't want a cocklodger. You do not want a sex offender.

My friends Dsis is a single mum of 4 DC. She's had an endless stream of the same type of man. All someone with the need to have a roof over their heads. All with other DC by multiple women. All losers.

Choose wisely OP.

Honestly, I wouldn't think about it at the moment. You have just left what sounds like a horrible relationship, and you need time to be you again.
You might meet someone; my cousin, single mum to five did (admittedly, the elder ones were young adults and had left home), so it's not impossible.

But focus on you and your children for now.

Same advice for anyone out of an abusive relationship but more so as you have dc. Spend a lot of time not dating and work on yourself. I used to be involved with a domestic violence charity. I know people hate it and it sounds like victim blaming but abusive men are very good at finding vulnerable women. Look to your own childhood and the relationships modelled for you. My sisters and I grew up in an abusive household. All four of them ended up with very abusive men and in long relationships with them. My first relationship was going this way so I ended it immediately. I realised I didn’t need a man for anything and then my life became so much better, I was still very young thank goodness.

Look at doing the freedom programme online and do not consider dating at all for at least a year. You have dc so you do not have to worry about a biological clock and having dc.

I'll echo what others have said. You must work on yourself. Do the freedom programme and invest totally in yourself before even considering another relationship.

Understandably this would be a deal breaker for most men, and that doesn't make them bad people (as some as stated).

When your kids are older I think a lot of decent men wouldn't just run, but it would depend in.certain factors...how 'together' you as a person, your focus, drive, determination, if you are a good mum, if your kids appear to be well behaved, etc...

So for the time being focus on being a good parent, and smiling...

You've pretty much been constantly having babies since the age of 19, and probably haven't made the most mature or best choices.

Your post gives off the vibe that you'll be grateful that anyone will want to "take on" a single mum on benefits with 4 children.

I'm going to be honest and say that there are very few good men who would, they will be like needles in a haystack. It is not in the interest of your children that you work your way through the haystack looking for that needle.

They are exactly the reason that you should shelve the idea of another relationship, until your children are older, until you're working, until you've done a lot of reflecting and working on yourself to understand why you've made the choices you've made, until you know exactly what you're worth and until your boundaries are firm and strong - for the sake of your children.

@ReneeRol

You're young. Forget about any man for the moment. You need to work on yourself so you can build yourself up and eventually move into a better position where you can take care of your kids and own your own life.

You should focus on education and training so that you can get a good job. A lot of that can be done online now so it's very accessible. You need ambition to improve your lifes circumstances and a vision of where you want to go.

Tbh, the type of man who would go for a single 24 year old on benefits with four kids, probably doesn't have any other options for a reason. You probably don't want that man near your kids.

Be as good as you want to attract. Have standards, you want someone who is kind, loving, good with kids, a positive addition to your family. You need to be and raise your kids to be, a positive addition to that partners life too.

@ReneeRol that post was rather patronising. OP didn't ask you to plan her life for her.

You've had 4 beautiful children and when you're 40 and your kids are grown you will be absoutely FLYING with your entire life still ahead of you.

Honestly, life doesn't end at 30, 40, or 50 or 60+.
All these people still have crushes and blushes and dates and romances. It's not over - and you'll be freer earlier. 💐💐💐

I became a single mum of one and I think I can understand how you feel. Your confidence takes a knock during a break up never mind from an abusive one and you can only see reasons why someone wouldn't want to be with you. But don't do what I did, I went straight for the first man who paid me a bit of attention and then kept repeating this for a little while. My confidence took further knocks until I felt worthless and I chose the worse person possible and it ended badly. After that I realised what I was doing and what a mess I was making not only with my life but potentially my child. I looked at what was good about me and I realised the only person I needed was myself and my child. I met someone and was able to see the red flags and said no then I met someone else who was sweet and loving and that's who I'm with today. But don't think about a relationship right now, you need to think about what do you want and what your kids want from life and that doesn't mean just settling for any body. You're probably feeling lonely right now and that's what is helping to make you crave a relationship so focus on family and friends, remember in the wrong relationship it can be the loneliest place to be. Reach out to people around you, take the opportunity of not working to look at what you would like to train and get started if you can. Life falls into place but don't try and force it like I did. Let you and your kids be happy together for now. Sending you a lot of love OP

I agree with PPs

Work on yourself first

You've had 4 children at a young age, very close together. I don't think you should be rushing into any other relationships right now. Have a break. It seems your previous relationships weren't right for you.

Get a career. Get your kids into a nursery. Meet people at work. Or do a course of study and meet people there too.

Life isn't all about having relationships and having kids.

Yes that may sound judgemental but if you rush into another relationship how many kids will you have at 34? Get on the pill.

@lessismore1

My mum was about your age and was in a similar situation and met my step dad.

Oh and he wasn't on benefits or a single dad.

I can honestly say although they have been together for over 30 years, my mum was in no way ready to have a relationship. She wasn't long broken up from our Dad and was extremely vulnerable.

Our stepdad is a good person etc but their relationship was so rocky initially as she was in such a bad place.

I have younger siblings as a result of their relationship who I love dearly but if I could go and talk to my mum then I would tell her to enjoy being our mum, stay single, develop herself before looking for validation in relationships.

I say this as someone who is now happily single with a young Dc and I'm enjoying being alone prob for the 1st time in my life in my late 30's

Thank you for all the kind replies it’s really cheered me up.

My ex who I had my youngest DC with was amazing up until we had our son together. I honestly couldn’t fault him, he was loving, kind, generous, great with the kids and I thought I had found the one. As soon as DC was born he changed and started getting controlling with myself and my children and verbally abusive! I left as soon as I realised this was the new normal and not just stress so I’m not weak or desperate for a man otherwise I would stayed. I’m still worried about the damage it’s done to kids but they wasn’t in that environment for long so I hope it won’t effect them too much.

I’m not looking for or interested in a relationship at all at the moment but I know not many men will want to take me and children on for the next 18+ years so I just worry that I’ll never meet be able to meet anyone even in the future. I wouldn’t date a single dad of 4 so why would any man? :( I have close family who live local and could watch them whilst dating but as you’ve all said I definitely need to just take a break from men for a few years and focus on my kids and career. I worked part time in a nursing home before youngest DC and want to become a nurse it’s just finding the right time to study and look after kids so I’ll probably have to wait a few years.

I feel like I’ll never trust a man again anyway as he really was good at hiding his true self my family loved him, the kids loved him and then it was like overnight he just changed it’s scary to think someone can hide behind a mask for so long.

Thank you again for the replies :)

Always try and better yourself, think about what you want to work at.

You’re so young, you could do anything. Yes you’re limited time wise with four children but start chipping away now at courses in the direction of a career you want.

It’s natural to feel down but don’t worry about men for now. Focus on being the best mum you can be and you’ll never regret it. If you don’t and focus on men you’ll regret it forever.

You will have a chance to love again but your priority must first be training and your children. Chin up you’re valuable and deserving of love.

Oh darling I can completely understand why you ask this. But please don't thi k you are unlovable because you have 4 beautiful children. But I do understand why you would think that because I did too.

Give yourself time, don't hi state to date but you don't have to end up in a relationship with the first one who says he doesn't mind your children, in other words, don't dare settle. Why should you not have just be able to find love like anyone else without children? The right man will want to be with you for you and then won't hesitate being a part of your life in every way. But you need to be careful and know an abuser or their traits because you risk getting with someone abusive with that sort of negative outlook on your chances on love.

Think about it, are you honestly unlovable with 4 kids? Or are you scared that the man you hope for is going to turn out like the exes? Work on you and become your best asset to you and your beautiful family. The rest, a man, will want to be part of it if he is the right man. Don't rush due to panic and loneliness. Your chance is no less than anyone else's.

Ya see OP I think you have the wrong attitude.
*
'*but I know not many men will want to take me and children on for the next 18+ years so I just worry that I’ll never'

I think who could possibly be good enough to share my life and my DC life for the next 15 + years.

For my stepdad who is now the proud father of 7 of us I know we have made him incredibly proud and that he adored being in our lives when we were children.

He loved the big family environment that my mum and him created. I'm not saying it was perfect by a long shot but I think he was incredibly lucky to be a part of our lives.

Well you said yourself you wouldn’t date a single man with 4 kids so can’t knock others for feeling that way about you

Op as others say, the focus can’t be on how to find another bloke, but how to make sure you have a full filling life. Start to think about how you can study, train, do something you enjoy.

You are right, in that you’re very young snd many people in your age range are focusing on having fun, building relationships, careers, and you are at a very different life stage, being a single parent to four very young children. For many that’s a lot of responsibility they would be wary of, not all, but many.

Focusing on how to build something for yourself on top of being a mother, is the way forward, and if you get that sorted, the right guy will come along.

Op, you are SO young. I know that sounds patronising but think of how you felt when you were 18. That was 6 years ago. In 7 years time you will only be 30!!

You have a whole world waiting! And your kids will be growing up giving you time. Look after your health, enjoy them as much as you can and be good to yourself. We only have one life and you have 4 kids (which many people can only dream of!)

When you are being you and happy with your life, the right one will find you.

But please don't thi k you are unlovable because you have 4 beautiful children. But I do understand why you would think that because I did too

For goodness sake, she didn’t say she thought she was unloveable, what a terrible interpretation. She is saying she thinks no one will want the responsibility of the four kids she comes with.