Single 24 year old mum of 4. Who’s going to want me?

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I’m a single mum of 4 children and I’m 24 years old (ages 5-1) Left an emotionally abusive relationship, we was engaged and he is the dad to my youngest DC. My other children’s dad wants nothing to do with them (all the same father) and I’m stuck on benefits.

I love my DC but don’t ever see a way that I’ll be able to have a relationship again (not that I’m looking or interested but when I look to the future it feels very bleak) or move forward with my life.

Let’s be honest who’s going to want to be with someone who’s a single mum to 4 on benefits at my age :(

@BonnieMcflurry your comments are unnecessarily unkind

Depends on your attitude and how you are as a person than your situation
4 children is a big responsibility to take on but as you know some people I know have taken on more than 4,
Weather your working or not does not detract the wrong type the right type.
I believe why and what happend in your past is your business and yours alone.
I am unsure but if you can have some me social time around adults as a 24 year old let it happen or make it happen.
Never settle and be ashamed it is life who knows what's around the corner.
I hope the dads will support you financially when the time comes.
Reneerol said it well.

I also think you should forget men for now. Concentrate on bringing your family up and starting to retrain or study for a career. In a few years when they are all at school and you are still young you will have the world at your feet. And when your friends have young children yours will independent and you can flap your wings and fly.

Echoing the posts of stay single and focus on yourself and your chidren, who will also be scarred by your abusive ex and are much more deserving of your attention than any man.

It'll be easier to work the older they get, realistically you have around two years until the youngest is in preschool - that buys you some time to decompress from the last couple of horrible relationships, concentrate on rebuilding your self confidence and really think about what you want in life. The right person will want you no matter the circumstances, but the wrong people will be attracted to someone young and vulnerable, who thinks that no-one will want them and is grateful for what they can get. Be careful, work on yourself.

@BonnieMcflurry What a horrible thing to say. Reported.

Education and training so that long term you can get off benefits and show your kids what a strong woman you are. Leave men alone for at least 2 years and focus on the kids - they have been through enough and really don’t need another man in their life.

Work on being the best you can be for now. Your kids are young, concentrate on improving your career prospects, go back to college etc - you'll get support with childcare etc then once your kids are in nursery /school you can work in a good job, honestly this is the best way of having a good man interested in you. There's men out there who would be interested but your self esteem is low, you need to believe you deserve better. Meanwhile I also suggest either avoiding casual relationships or long term contraception because more kids is not a good idea!

Best wishes, remember believe in you

Providing stability should be a priority, so I'd stop worrying about men for now. They don't need another man around.

@BonnieMcflurry how horrible.
Why is your hate directed towards the women working hard raising the children but not the man who left them?

There's more to life than some bloke. You should probably engage with the Freedom Programme, and work on your boundaries and view of relationships, having experienced an abusive relationship in the past. Otherwise you're likely to attract similar abusive men.

You need to get to a place where you would weigh up your own current happiness and self-sufficiency against the value a relationship could add, not be scraping around thinking you should be grateful if any man took you on. Because if it's the latter, you're vulnerable to another abusive or just plain old shitty relationship.

You can work on bettering your situation yourself, especially as the dc get older. You don't have to be the mum on benefits, you can be the mum who is studying, who has a career, who has her own business, or whatever. Plus you're 24. You'll still be young when your kids are independent.

It's hard now, but you do have opportunities and a future. Just don't hang it all on some bloke. That's what got you here.

Another one saying that you need to forget men for now. Concentrate on raising your children, perhaps retraining, getting a job, making good friendships and expanding your interests with a variety of hobbies. When you're 30 and your youngest is about 7 you'll be a totally different person looking for a totally different relationship and you and your children's lives will be the better for it. Forming a life and personality which stays steady and intact regardless of your relationship status is one of the best things any woman can do for herself. You've been really brave to get out of a horrendous situation, but you'd be a fool to go looking for a man now, and you'd be making yourself and your children extremely vulnerable

Agree with previous replies..forget men for now and concentrate on your children and education/ training to get yourself in a good situation to support your kids.

They dont need another man in their lives right now due to what you have said. You are young and there is still plenty of time in the future to meet someone new and have a loving stable relationship.

Think about the kind of guy you want. What do you think he wants??
Work on achieving that in yourself. Spend time working on yourself and you will reap the rewards.
Good luck OP

Even though it's hard, I would say you're better off concentrating on getting a job or going into education than focusing on which men won't want you. Try to make yourself as independent as possible. I'm just saying that because some men might be looking for someone vulnerable where they can play a knight (abuser) in shinning armour. Given your low mood and low self esteem surrounding your situation, I'm guessing they would be able to sense that you were delighted or surprised that someone was interested in you, and would therefore be more willing to look past warning signs. This is not good and an asshole like that is the last thing you need. It's better, if possible), that they encounter you as happier, more confident, more take-it-or-leave-it, and more independent that you are now.

Rather than "who's going to want me" have you stopped and thought about whay YOU want. Because you're post doesn't mention that at all and that does suggest (kids or no kids) you are not in the best place to start dating right now. I have been in an abusive relationship too and I also needed to take a few years to myself - otherwise I could have risked falling back into a similar relationship. It was also important just to be happy with myself, I found I really liked having a house to myself, being able to make my own decisions re the kids without taking someone elses opinions into account.
In time you may well want to start dating again, and remember too that your children won't be small forever and you are so young now time is very much on your side. But don't rush. And re-frame the way you think about relationships so you are focused on your needs, not the hypothetical man's.

Totally agree with those saying to focus on yourself and your kids. Enjoy the life you have and don't see being single as some sort of negative because it's not.

For what it's worth, I met my wife in my late 20s and she had 5 children from her first marriage. I fell in love with her and the children were simply a fundamental part of who she was. We've been together 25 years now. So children are not a barrier to you having a relationship in the future. What matters is that you don't settle for anything less than someone who loves you 100% and who will also love your children because they are core to your very being.

OP, in the future you will have more time. For now maybe focus on you, your health, fitness and the DC. You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.

@ReneeRol

You're young. Forget about any man for the moment. You need to work on yourself so you can build yourself up and eventually move into a better position where you can take care of your kids and own your own life.

You should focus on education and training so that you can get a good job. A lot of that can be done online now so it's very accessible. You need ambition to improve your lifes circumstances and a vision of where you want to go.

Tbh, the type of man who would go for a single 24 year old on benefits with four kids, probably doesn't have any other options for a reason. You probably don't want that man near your kids.

Be as good as you want to attract. Have standards, you want someone who is kind, loving, good with kids, a positive addition to your family. You need to be and raise your kids to be, a positive addition to that partners life too.

I say this with love and empathy, as a single mum of three in a similar situation - it sounds like you have picked the wrong men so far, and then thrown yourself deeper into bad situations.

Good men are not likely to come calling for a single mum of 4, newly emerging from an abusive relationship. Instead you'll get sharks, drawn by the blood in the water. However better men will come once you've done the work to understand why you have made the choices you have, to be a strong and awesome single woman you can definitely be.

Do you have family or friends who can help support you practically and emotionally? Especially if you can get some training or work, it can give you some independence and make sure that when you do enter a relationship, you have more power and control, and to make sure that loneliness doesn't drag you back in with the sharks in the meantime.

I’m a single mum of 4 and on benefits (oldest is disabled so I am a career) I’m 32 tomorrow and even at my age I don’t think anyone will want me so I think it will be much harder at 24 unless you date much older or the guy you meet isn’t that desirable on paper himself (so single dad, possible not working either, not sure why people are slating that as that’s the ops situation so let’s be realistic that she’s likely to attract similar?? As most other 24 year olds will have their pick and are unlikely to choose a single mum of 4 on benefits) I’m not being rude just realistic as that’s my situation myself, I would wait anyway your youngest is only 1 why jump back in to another relationship? My youngest is 3 and I still haven’t, tbh unless you have a heck of a lot of help and support with them how will you manage to date anyway?

Aw love, dont worry just concentrate on your babies for the immediate future. You dont need a man in your life right at this moment. Take some time out to get yourself on track. You sound a very strong and resilient person given what you e been through. Take some time and out to concentrate on you. You are only young and have many years ahead for all this.

A relationship should be the last thing on your mind currently.

Focus on education and a career, you have the financial responsibility for yourself and four children. Think of their future and the outcomes you want for them. That should be the main focus not another man.

I’m a newly soon to be divorced mum of two junior school kids. My chances are even slimmer!

However stop focusing on finding your next love and really focusing on you, your health, retraining, studying, career ect..

When your feeling solid about your life and your in a good place then if some one comes along you can invite them in.

You’ve got youth on your side. I’m ten years away from being 50 I’ve got zero interest in meeting anyone whilst the kids are this small so I’ll be an old bag by the time I hit the dating scene again

Honestly. isn't it time to NOT be with someone? With kids those ages you must have run straight from one relationship to another, and got pregnant immediately. You don't seem to make good choices.

Get some more education, get a job, look after your children and leave the men alone for a long time.

I was divorced by 30 and had 2 kids under 2 to like after. I didn't work because the childcare was too expensive.

I appreciate everyone is different but if I was you I would try and get yourself back into work as soon as possible. You will qualify for help with the childcare costs, when your youngest turns 2 you'll be entitled to free childcare for a certain amount of hours.

I ended up working in a pub and a cafe just to make money and not be on benefits.

In regards to another man, let's be realistic, that shouldn't even be ok your mind at the moment. You've had 2 failed relationships with men you've obviously been sure about previously because you've had children with them. So perhaps a good goal for you is to not date until you are 30? Your kids will be older and more independent by that stage, as in they'll be in school and you'll have better work options.

Is there a career path you can begin while you are raising the kids? There's so many that are now online that it would be possible to do them once the kids are in bed. I did AAT and not only did it give me a qualification to aim for and help in my now career, it distracted me from the lonely evenings.

I should probably add that I am now mid-30s and married to a man who was single for a decade and had no children (we have a child together now). I do know how lucky I am to have found someone who could, and wanted to very much commit to the family I had already created.
What I'm saying on balance from my previous post is, it's not impossible that you will have a 'happy ending' one day but a pessimist is never disappointed.