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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband had an affair with my friend years ago. Now she is shagging my brother in law.

123 replies

peoniesenvy · 13/10/2020 22:09

AIBU? I was suffering from post natal depression and my husband had an affair with my friend for 6 months or so about 14 years ago. She spent the following 6 months sending me horrible texts or calling me when she was drunk to tell me how/ when/in what position they had sex. She came in to where I worked a couple of times and left me in floods of tears. Since then she has always been combative if I see her in public. My husband's eldest brother has always been really close to us. When he and his wife split up we often looked after his girls, I really thought we were good friends as well as family. I feel utterly betrayed - he is having a relationship with that woman. He was really strange for a few weeks and I joked that he must have a fancy woman and then he 'fessed up. He said that he understood how I felt and that he would never invite her to any family gatherings. This has turned out to be complete bollocks- I just don't get invited to any family events anymore - she is more than welcome. My husband since the affair has tried really hard to make amends and we are generally pretty good now but I feel that he should acknowledge how shit this situation makes me feel. I feel like I am being punished- I have lost my BIL and nieces to this whore and my husband can't see why I am upset. I'm trying really hard to believe in karma but it just feels like being a decent human just gets you shat on from a great height.

OP posts:
MrsNotNice · 13/10/2020 22:12

Oh wow this is too messed up

Pyewhacket · 13/10/2020 22:14

That's just being greedy.

Fiona1987 · 13/10/2020 22:14

Not sure why you keep these people in your life. I understand it's easier said than done, but bloody hell, your situation sounds toxic and I would hate to be in your shoes.

You obviously decided to stay together with your husband and work through your difficulties. My advice would be to distance yourself emotionally from this whole situation. It's up to your BIL who he dates and the faster you tell yourself that it hasn't got anything to do with you, the better you'll feel. All the best x

FlorenceNightshade · 13/10/2020 22:23

Ugh why would you get into things with brothers???? I think the fact you aren’t invited to family things says more about them than you! This woman doesn’t seem to have much of a moral code for herself. And as for your BiL bringing her back into not just your life but his brothers too? They sound like they deserve each other and your best off going NC and staying well clear

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 22:23

So your husband's entire family has chosen this woman, a new girlfriend, over you, a wife of more than a decade? Is that right?

And your husband seems to want you to get over it and not be upset?

I would have left him after the affair. I would definitely be considering my options now that he cant even see the upset this has caused you.

Sciurus83 · 13/10/2020 22:28

Your DH doesn't see why this would upset you?!

I'm sorry this is such a crap situation for you

GaryTheDemon · 13/10/2020 22:29

It’s not you!! It is them!!

TartanDMs · 13/10/2020 22:29

My DH's brothers make it their mission to try and shag any woman that one of them is involved with - BIL tried to force himself on me at a party but I managed to knee him in the bollocks and make him stop. DH's ex wife didn't fend him off and was quite willing (and we are fairly sure that my eldest stepson is actually BIL's). Some dirty bastards like to keep it in the family. Normal people would step away from those sort of dicks and it speaks volumes that your DH and family are choosing not to.

BowowMttt · 13/10/2020 22:32

What a terrible situation. I don’t have any answers OP but I feel deeply sorry for you for being in such a crappy situation. What a cow and the men are a pair of twits for putting you through this too. Not sure I could handle this, I think I’d have to leave.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/10/2020 22:34

Ewww does your husband not find it rank he and his brother have been with the same woman?
Your in-laws sound vile tbh I’d want to be rid of the whole lot of them

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2020 22:38

What the fuck is wrong with your in laws?! How long has he been with her? You deserve so so much better from all of them. Grim people.

Original poster
peoniesenvy · 13/10/2020 22:40

I really appreciate all your comments. I feel so much better for being able to express how I feel. I just want her to fuck off. And when she has fucked off, fuck off a little bit more. I just don't know how to get past this? I really, honestly thought I had dealt with her years ago.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 13/10/2020 22:40

I would have nothing more to do with the lot of them although I also wouldn't have forgiven an asshole that cheated either

Rafflesway · 13/10/2020 22:46

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

So your husband's entire family has chosen this woman, a new girlfriend, over you, a wife of more than a decade? Is that right?

And your husband seems to want you to get over it and not be upset?

I would have left him after the affair. I would definitely be considering my options now that he cant even see the upset this has caused you.

This most definitely!
NameDoesNotCompute · 13/10/2020 22:51

Wow what a bitch. Sounds like shes working her way through the family! Do the rest of the family know about her and your husband? Might be time to tell them if not, see if they still welcome her?

newnameforthis123 · 13/10/2020 22:58

If my husband had done what yours did then claimed not to understand why I felt how you do now if she was back on the scene shagging his brother and getting invited to things while I was left out... he would be my ex husband. Genuinely. He's let you down all over again, I couldn't get past that. They all sound like selfish pricks.

Original poster
peoniesenvy · 13/10/2020 22:58

Yeah they know. She was living with my BIL's best friend when she had the affair with my husband. I kind of get the impression that I should have got over it. And I thought I had mostly but I don't want her anywhere near me or my son.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/10/2020 23:03

So at a low point in your life while suffering from PND he had an affair!

I wouldn't have been in the marriage to even know that she was back on the scene.

Of all the women on God's green earth...he's chosen his brother's ex affair partner...so messed up.

villamariavintrapp · 13/10/2020 23:06

The thing is, even when she fucks off, you're left with a family who would do this to you.. a husband who cheated over 6 months and doesn't understand why having the ow back in your life would be hurtful, and in laws who would choose her over you, a bil who would inflict this on you all. Sorry it's so shit. They've all really let you down.

user1481840227 · 13/10/2020 23:07

If she's a whore then what is your husband? Clearly she had some kind of major issues if she acted like that in the aftermath of the affair.

but years later when she's back your husband can't see why you're upset...clearly he's still an asshole!

Also i'm sure you would still be
Completely agree with the pp that said he's let you down all over again, he should be acknowledging that you're upset and sticking up for you...he's not!

As for your nieces couldn't you still have a relationship with them?

NameChange2PostThis · 13/10/2020 23:10

She’s not your friend.

But you know that already.

Don’t go anywhere that she will be. Even if it means you, your DH and DC missing out on a family event. But make sure the wider family are very clear, in this specific situation they absolutely have to choose between you and her, because you and DH will not attend if she’s there. Force them to make awkward choices. Make it uncomfortable for everyone.
If they stick with her (and BiL) you are well rid of their company. Chances are, she’ll be gone in a few months anyway. In the meantime no reason to be subtle about how much you despise her. No need to let her feel comfortable or welcome.

I suggest you proactively speak with DH’s wider family and tell them. Any events it’s us or her, it’s that simple. Don’t feel embarrassed to force the issue. You have done nothing wrong.

NameChange2PostThis · 13/10/2020 23:12

Oh and if your DH doesn’t back you 100% then it’s time to LTB.

You forgave him that one (enormous) error. But two? Nah!

shesgonebatshitagain · 13/10/2020 23:16

This is hideous.
This might be a stupid question but do your husband and BIL’s parents know this woman’s history with your husband ie that she had an affair with
him?

shesgonebatshitagain · 13/10/2020 23:18

Sorry just saw they did

I’d leave your husband and the rest of his manky family to it

Frappuccinofan · 13/10/2020 23:21

Your husband and his family have a weird dynamic. Cheating on you is bad enough, but a brother dating his sibling’s mistress and welcoming her in as part of the family and shunning you in the process is the icing on the cake.

I don’t think you’re as well respected by his family as you think unfortunately.

I know I’m missing the point but I wonder what your husband thinks about this?? Does he not think it’s a bit awkward that his brother chose her?