My husband had an affair with my friend years ago. Now she is shagging my brother in law.

[peoniesenvy]

AIBU? I was suffering from post natal depression and my husband had an affair with my friend for 6 months or so about 14 years ago. She spent the following 6 months sending me horrible texts or calling me when she was drunk to tell me how/ when/in what position they had sex. She came in to where I worked a couple of times and left me in floods of tears. Since then she has always been combative if I see her in public. My husband's eldest brother has always been really close to us. When he and his wife split up we often looked after his girls, I really thought we were good friends as well as family. I feel utterly betrayed - he is having a relationship with that woman. He was really strange for a few weeks and I joked that he must have a fancy woman and then he 'fessed up. He said that he understood how I felt and that he would never invite her to any family gatherings. This has turned out to be complete bollocks- I just don't get invited to any family events anymore - she is more than welcome. My husband since the affair has tried really hard to make amends and we are generally pretty good now but I feel that he should acknowledge how shit this situation makes me feel. I feel like I am being punished- I have lost my BIL and nieces to this whore and my husband can't see why I am upset. I'm trying really hard to believe in karma but it just feels like being a decent human just gets you shat on from a great height.

She sounds totally vile and I am wondering why he is still your husband?
I'd be Divorcing him tbh you deserve better than this 💐

If you forgive an affair it's a green light for them to do it again as he will assume you'll forgive again.

Be kind to yourself and get rid of the lot of them!!

Have suffered from pnd myself that is just
Unforgivable what a nasty piece of work.

You'll be fine it'll just take time but look to the future and move forward without all this negativity around you

You would be better rid of the lot of them or your DH should go almost none contact while she is on the scene.

Come on OP, you don't belong with these people. Leave him before you have to come back here and tell us the 'threesome' story. Its bound to happen, if it hasn't already, just a matter of time.

With your husband at least I would concentrate on her actions after the affair. You've forgiven him for the affair and so why not her?

Oh don’t be ridiculous. The OP had a young baby and was in precarious mental health when she found out about the affair. A shared history, intertwined life and an (albeit) misguided need to put their baby first all play to why he was forgiven. Along with I suspect a healthy dose of investment from other third parties in the relationship continuing.

It’s not everyone’s choice but it’s the often consequence of an ability to make immediate decisions.

On the other hand the AP showed no remorse, harassed the OP for months after the affair, was undoubtedly easier to cut off and has since behaved like a bitch - why on earth would the OP forgive her just because she chose to forgive her DH?

🤢

Lock up your granddad, father and any old body willing to show an interest.

Seriously though she is not a friend, she is vile.

Op, is the issue here it was 14 years ago?

I too raised an eye brow and thought ooh, but the reality is it was 14 years ago and you decided to forgive your husband. Who by far committed the worse crime against you.

Possibly your family is thinking well it was fourteen years ago and you seem to have forgiven your husband, so why not her, as what she did to you was bad, but no where near as bad as what he did.

Personally I’d feel like you, but I am trying to see their side of it.

If she's a whore then what is your husband?
Indeed.

Sorry love, this is so messed up. I can't believe that in the whole wide world the only available partner for her was your BIL. I suspect she sees this as unfinished business. She may not manage to latch back on to your dh just for some extra fun, but it could be more satisfying for her to see you suffer just by her longterm presence in wider family life.

Obviously you should not be around people who are prepared to entertain this drama at your expense.

The only ways out is you leave, she leaves, or contact with BIL and her ceases. If dh doesn't offer the third option, is the marriage worth continuing? Try to focus directly on DH and not her. She seems to be a woman who blames the other woman/wife but you are better than that - she's a nuisance but it's your DH who is letting you down.

The OW was the OP's friend, that's why she can't forgive her. That was a huge betrayal. Plus she was abusive to the OP post affair. (That behaviour was abnormal and the woman may have had MH issues, but that still wouldn't be an excuse.)

And now, the OP is being excluded from family events and not her ex friend. The whole situation is messed up.

Calling her a 'whore' has understandably raised hackles, but I'm hardly surprised the OP doesn't want to forgive her.

@Mittens030869

The OW was the OP's friend, that's why she can't forgive her. That was a huge betrayal. Plus she was abusive to the OP post affair. (That behaviour was abnormal and the woman may have had MH issues, but that still wouldn't be an excuse.)

And now, the OP is being excluded from family events and not her ex friend. The whole situation is messed up.

Calling her a 'whore' has understandably raised hackles, but I'm hardly surprised the OP doesn't want to forgive her.

This. It could be 40 years for me, I’d still hate the bitch

why on earth would the OP forgive her just because she chose to forgive her DH?

Of course she doesn’t need to forgive her, most wouldn’t. But I also think the husband committed the worse crime. By a long way. Shagging your mate when you’ve a new baby and pnd is something I’d struggle to forgive.

Ok you're a saint.

I couldn't live like this. Your DH sounds awful.

*OP

Another big difference will be that the OP's DH presumably asked for her forgiveness and they were able to get past it. The friend showed no remorse whatsoever; in fact it was the opposite, she abused the OP, gloating about the affair. Why would the OP forgive her in that scenario?

You see, if you’d have kicked this lying cheating sack of shit man-whore out when he committed such high betrayal of you and your family, you’d probably be in a healthy loving relationship and you wouldn’t have to go through the humiliation of knowing your in laws are extremely poor examples of human beings.

Your h of course wants you to forget his betrayal of you, and having let him off, you’ve given a signal that YOU don’t matter. A signal his parents and family seem to have taken on board.

You didn’t stand up for yourself back then, probably had zero support to do so, it would you CAN now.

He’s still betraying you, but now with an entourage

God his family must REALLY be missing Jeremy Kyle.

You have my utmost sympathy, I hope sincerely that you find the strength to stand up for yourself and you kids, and that you are able to rise above all this and enjoy a happy, fulfilling life with good people who have your back.

You must be so angry, and with good reason.

• it would = but you

@MzHz

You see, if you’d have kicked this lying cheating sack of shit man-whore out when he committed such high betrayal of you and your family, you’d probably be in a healthy loving relationship and you wouldn’t have to go through the humiliation of knowing your in laws are extremely poor examples of human beings.

Your h of course wants you to forget his betrayal of you, and having let him off, you’ve given a signal that YOU don’t matter. A signal his parents and family seem to have taken on board.

You didn’t stand up for yourself back then, probably had zero support to do so, it would you CAN now.

He’s still betraying you, but now with an entourage

God his family must REALLY be missing Jeremy Kyle.

You have my utmost sympathy, I hope sincerely that you find the strength to stand up for yourself and you kids, and that you are able to rise above all this and enjoy a happy, fulfilling life with good people who have your back.

You must be so angry, and with good reason.

Yep, this. Although with a new baby and suffering PND I do understand sometimes we make decisions that are not in our personal best interests fr what we think are "the greater good" so do be too upset at that. I know people who have made a relationship work after infidelity so it is a personal choice based on the circumstances at the time.

Having said that, the family including your "D"H have show very little regard for you and you deserve better.

When I was a teenager I had a friend who shagged 1 boy, then his brother, then their best friend! I don't think it gave her any pleasure it was just the satisfaction of the conquest and causing as much damage as humanly possible. She was a very messed up person who liked a lot of attention.

What I mean is, you and these men could be anyone. This is all about her. Do yourself a favour and get as far away from this shit show as you can.

Your husband & BIL and maybe more of the family are complete shits.

Why your BIL would want o put his dick where his brother's had been is completely beyond me.

Or why he would want anything to do with someone who had treated you so appallingly.

They neither of them care about you, do they?

This is going to have a nasty ending, if your DH appears OK with the situation I would see that as him being rather pleased to have this woman around and back in his life...you should get a lot tougher and vocal about this. Its NOT ok.

I am really sorry, but I think your BIL is not the one you should be focusing your anger at.
Your DH had the affair, and whilst it seems you have both made strides to come through it, you were still left with a lot of unanswered queries and unacknowledged suffering. Also whilst the OW was hassling and bullying you, I don't see any response from your DH. Now it seems the OW has been welcomed into is family and once again your DH is not supporting or accepting your understandable stress and anxiety about the matter.
I think you should really consider where , when you are in need, you have a partner who you can not count on.

God I hope your husband doesn't have any other brothers, or perhaps your FIL is her next target.

I would tell your husband that unless he backs you up 100% about this women then you will be seriously looking as to whether you can continue in this marriage. And start looking for legal advice, and getting your ducks in a row.

Your DH and his whole family all sound awful. Someone described them upthread as manky and I can’t think of a much more apt description. Make it clear that anything other than your husband’s wholehearted support and refusal to be in the same room as her, even if it comes at the expense of his relationship with his family, will end your marriage immediately. And mean it. Don’t allow yourself to be a mug to this hideous family.

@Bluntness100 I was responding specifically to someone who asked why would the OP hadn’t forgiven the AP rather than why did she choose to forgive her DH.

I absolutely agree that he committed a worse crime but there are myriad reasons why a new, depressed mum would forgive.

Posters putting the boot in now and implying OP is in some way unreasonable for not forgiving the AP and should therefore suck up the situation are being deliberately goady and cruel. It’s like a fucking sport for some.

Your in-laws are unforgivable arseholes. Bringing this woman back in to yours, and your husbands ife is utterly reprehensible, and quite frankly, putting her before you when it comes to family gatherings would be the fina straw for me, it'd be total NC, and if DH wasnt in full agreement he'd be out on his ear too.

Your in-laws have no morals.

If my son/brother came along with a woman who had had an affair with his married brother (while his child was a small baby to boot) and subsequently harassed his brother's wife ... I'd say

"mate, come on .. what the actual fuck are you doing? She's a woman who cheats with married men, not only that but she's cheated with your married brother. And she showed herself to be a nasty, stalker type afterward as well. Not only dud she chest with a married man but she cheated on her partner, his friend, too. She's clearly gutter trash, probably unstable and it doesn't matter if it was fourteen years ago. Time doesn't matter with things like that. There's plenty of women out there, why the fuck are you involved with one your brother has shagged, and who chested on his wife with at that?! Do you think it's fair on his wife?
Do you think she's maybe still looking to get at your brother and his wife? You could be being used on too if everything else. Any other woman would want to stay far away from him and his family but instead she's in there, shagging his brother and going to his family gatherings".

My take would be that if he wanted to date her, go right ahead, but she wouldn't be in my house. She wouldn't be at our family gatherings. The most I'd concede would be, if they're still together in a year or two, I might consider her attending.

The fact your in-laws haven't taken this stance suggests they have v low morals and boundaries.

Which perhaps partly explains why you h had such low morals and boundaries when he cheated on his depressed, new mum wife.