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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband had an affair with my friend years ago. Now she is shagging my brother in law.

123 replies

peoniesenvy · 13/10/2020 22:09

AIBU? I was suffering from post natal depression and my husband had an affair with my friend for 6 months or so about 14 years ago. She spent the following 6 months sending me horrible texts or calling me when she was drunk to tell me how/ when/in what position they had sex. She came in to where I worked a couple of times and left me in floods of tears. Since then she has always been combative if I see her in public. My husband's eldest brother has always been really close to us. When he and his wife split up we often looked after his girls, I really thought we were good friends as well as family. I feel utterly betrayed - he is having a relationship with that woman. He was really strange for a few weeks and I joked that he must have a fancy woman and then he 'fessed up. He said that he understood how I felt and that he would never invite her to any family gatherings. This has turned out to be complete bollocks- I just don't get invited to any family events anymore - she is more than welcome. My husband since the affair has tried really hard to make amends and we are generally pretty good now but I feel that he should acknowledge how shit this situation makes me feel. I feel like I am being punished- I have lost my BIL and nieces to this whore and my husband can't see why I am upset. I'm trying really hard to believe in karma but it just feels like being a decent human just gets you shat on from a great height.

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 13/10/2020 23:27

Hi Op Really Sorry to hear what you are currently going thru an have been through your ex so called friend what a Real Nasty Total Headfuck/shit she sounds, she reminds me of someone I once knew, I hope an think Karma or something and come Bite her Arse, In future, it works in mysterious ways ,I totally get how you feel, I feel Angry the way you been disrespected by your husband family, How Dare they treat you like that, what Arseholes they are, what on earth is wrong with your husband that he Just doesnt understand how you feel, its not rocket sciennce, why you feel like that,its brought all those raw feelings, back to you, it must feel like salt on festering sore wound that cant heal properly, You Deserve and are worth so much more than this, This headfuck woman, has some really serious issues, I think she is very insecure and is jealous of you in some way and is not a happy individual.Personally I think you could do a lot better for yourself, you only live once, it says a lot about your husband family, Your husband needs to step up an start being a hell of a lot more emotionally intelligent than this, at the mo he is being acting like emotional Prick

Original poster
peoniesenvy · 13/10/2020 23:28

WhereverIGoddamnLike

So your husband's entire family has chosen this woman, a new girlfriend, over you, a wife of more than a decade? Is that right?

Yes. They seem to think that I should be completely fine with her. I'm not. My nieces are just sheepish

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 13/10/2020 23:31

She sounds like a recurring nightmare.
Your DH is a dick too.
You've stuck together the best thing you can do is ignore her don't think about her it will be hard.
Hopefully the relationship will fizzle out.

TiddyTid · 13/10/2020 23:36

Ugh. Get rid of the lot of them OP. Seriously

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 13/10/2020 23:37

Best thing to do is keep your distance and wait for people to wise up. It took about two years for a devious woman, who harmed me, to get caught out. I distanced myself from them all at the time, but I have now started to get contact from some of the group. I don't value them as much now though and mainly ignore them all.

I'm not sure how this woman keeps getting away with all the shit she has pulled. She definitely targets other women but I've no idea what she gets out of it and what her friends think of her behaviour. They don't seem to judge or limit her actions. I thought they must find her entertaining with all the drama she creates. She is cruel.

OzziePopPop · 13/10/2020 23:53

Do you think she may have targeted bil to get close to DH? She doesn’t sound normal in any way so just wondering? Has he had any contact from her since ending it/recently?

Original poster
peoniesenvy · 14/10/2020 00:06

That I don't know. In my head her actions only made sense if she hated me or she wanted the closest thing to my husband. I've met her leaving BIL at 6am. On the plus side my dog wants to bite her!

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 14/10/2020 00:18

Go peony dog! 🐶💕🐶💕🐶

Bonios for that puppy.

MrsNotNice · 14/10/2020 00:22

Let her give you the answer of whether your marriage is worth keeping then..

It’s a blessing in disguise. A catalyst to let things roll quickly and test it out for u and let you know which side DH is gonna be on... so you know whether that chance you gave him and hard work you put into rebuilding trust succeeded or failed

Let’s hope he scores high on the test..

She will be gone in no time m. She sounds mental

BrummyMum1 · 14/10/2020 00:33

You DH, your BIL and that woman, all need to get in the bin.

user1481840227 · 14/10/2020 00:35

@OzziePopPop

Do you think she may have targeted bil to get close to DH? She doesn’t sound normal in any way so just wondering? Has he had any contact from her since ending it/recently?
The affair was 14 years ago. Perhaps she was in a very bad place at the time which is why she acted abnormally and the OPs husband played mind games...after all he thought nothing of cheating on his wife when she had post natal depression!

But after all this time perhaps she has changed a lot and is 'normal'. Maybe her and the BIL just fell for each other!

Leeds2 · 14/10/2020 00:36

I'm afraid I would get rid of DH. He isn't worthy of you.

SoulofanAggron · 14/10/2020 00:40

It would be tempting to have nothing to do with the lot of 'em.

How do you feel in your marriage? And about your husband in general?

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 14/10/2020 00:41

Start a new life with your child somewhere else, away from them all. When she eventually leaves or makes a play for your DH again, there'll be family fall out and people seeing the truth and then what? You'll be expected to just go back to how things were? Them suddenly expecting you to go to family events again? Would you do it? Course not. Go. Now. You know where this is going. Don't be there for it. It's done now. The family can't take back their exclusion of you and your DH doesn't care about you.

PegasusReturns · 14/10/2020 00:43

I agree with @NameChange2PostThis

I’d start issuing ultimatums. Make your DH choose. Make your in-laws choose. Refuse to feel guilty for not wanting to socialise with your DHs AP.

Give them a limited amount of time to put this tight and then cut them off. You don’t need the toxicity.

Anordinarymum · 14/10/2020 00:43

OP why did you stay with him after you found out about her

Phrowzunn · 14/10/2020 04:45

This is so fucked up BUT I have to say - I’m not sure why your husband (who actually betrayed you, broke his wedding vows, let you down at your most vulnerable when he was the one person in the world you should have been able to lean on) has been forgiven and you are able to kiss him, laugh with him, share your bed with him, while the OW (who did the same thing as said husband but not nearly so bad seeing as she wasn’t married to you) is a whore, scum of the Earth, you couldn’t possibly contemplate spending any time with her.
Don’t get me wrong, in your situation she would be dead to me... but then, so would the husband.
Maybe your in-laws can’t understand why you would forgive his (much worse) betrayal but not hers..?

Hargao · 14/10/2020 05:11

With your husband at least I would concentrate on her actions after the affair. You've forgiven him for the affair and so why not her?

The thing that she has done differently is the abuse post affair. If your husband can't understand why you wouldn't want to spend time with a woman who has sent you abusive messages and called you drunkenly with the principal aim of hurting you then I agree with the others on ditching the husband!

Houserabbit · 14/10/2020 05:31

@peoniesenvy

Yeah they know. She was living with my BIL's best friend when she had the affair with my husband. I kind of get the impression that I should have got over it. And I thought I had mostly but I don't want her anywhere near me or my son.
I wonder where you get the impression that ‘you should have got over it’ not from any decent person that’s for sure ... only from those who have behaved disgustingly whether they say so openly or not, I’m sure at various times they’ve given the impression you’re just making a fuss about ancient history...yup it’s very much in their interests for you to ‘get over it’
DollhouseBurglar · 14/10/2020 06:15

Hope you're getting a divorce.

Your in laws need to book in with Jeremy Kyle.

FippertyGibbett · 14/10/2020 06:26

I wouldn’t of got over the affair and I’d have kicked his sorry ass out, however you are far more generous than me !
Is she the type to just shag around so it will be over and she will be gone out of the family soon ?

Ughmaybenot · 14/10/2020 06:28

Throw the wholeeeee family away, what a fucking mess. Trash, trash, trash.
Your husband, primarily for having the affair in the first place and shitting on you while you were at your most vulnerable, but also for being a pathetic twat and saying he can’t understand why you’re upset now... clearly he has the emotional intelligence of a brick.
Your brother, and your in laws, for not remotely having your back. They’re literally choosing a woman who helped cause heartbreaking upset within their family who’s been on the scene ten bloody minutes over you, victim of said upset, who’s been around years and years.
The OW, if I could find excuse for being the ‘other woman’ in the first place, I simply can’t for the cruelty and callousness she showed towards you afterwards. Nasty. Also, for her being a fucking weirdo, frankly. Who wants to do the brother of someone they’ve been with before?!

Is this really what you want?

Straven123 · 14/10/2020 06:30

Well, it is what it is.
And rather than being angry try to be amused - she sounds an evil woman, so..... what a catch for BIL, he is a mug, will she stay or shag someone else. FIL next?
I would tell DH what you expect of him due to his past behaviour, keep the possibility of divorce on the burner, but laugh about it (or pretend to) she is not worth dwelling on. Poor DNs.

HartnellAvenue · 14/10/2020 06:32

Just point out that it's not just the affair, it's the despicable way she acted afterwards. She's trash and I'm not surprised you don't want to be around that.

Can you have a relationship with your nieces through your ex SIL?

Shoxfordian · 14/10/2020 06:33

Tell your dh how you feel about him being so unsupportive of you. I agree with the above poster though, really you should pity your bil as it's not likely to end well.