Page 5 | My husband had an affair with my friend years ago. Now she is shagging my brother in law.

peoniesenvy · 2020-10-13T21:09:12+00:00

AIBU? I was suffering from post natal depression and my husband had an affair with my friend for 6 months or so about 14 years ago. She spent the following 6 months sending me horrible texts or calling me when she was drunk to tell me how/ when/in what position they had sex. She came in to where I worked a couple of times and left me in floods of tears. Since then she has always been combative if I see her in public. My husband's eldest brother has always been really close to us. When he and his wife split up we often looked after his girls, I really thought we were good friends as well as family. I feel utterly betrayed - he is having a relationship with that woman. He was really strange for a few weeks and I joked that he must have a fancy woman and then he 'fessed up. He said that he understood how I felt and that he would never invite her to any family gatherings. This has turned out to be complete bollocks- I just don't get invited to any family events anymore - she is more than welcome. My husband since the affair has tried really hard to make amends and we are generally pretty good now but I feel that he should acknowledge how shit this situation makes me feel. I feel like I am being punished- I have lost my BIL and nieces to this whore and my husband can't see why I am upset. I'm trying really hard to believe in karma but it just feels like being a decent human just gets you shat on from a great height.

Redcups64 · 14/10/2020 16:07

That’s beyond taking the piss!! I’d cut them all off, I couldn’t forgive them shutting me out like that!

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 14/10/2020 16:29

@peoniesenvy

WhereverIGoddamnLike

So your husband's entire family has chosen this woman, a new girlfriend, over you, a wife of more than a decade? Is that right?

Yes. They seem to think that I should be completely fine with her. I'm not. My nieces are just sheepish

The thing is OP, it was 14 years ago and you forgave your husband, who was way more out of line than she every could have been.

So... yeah... I can see why they would be a bit confused and might have had the expectation that you would sort of just get on with things. If you forgave your husband for something so incredibly nasty, why wouldn't you forgive her, years later?

She sounds very troubled but ultimately your BIL is allowed to be with whoever he wants and I can see how the rest of the family is just sort of like, "ugh, ok well I suppose this woman is coming to Christmas now". You being upset about it doesn't help, it creates a hard situation for the rest of the family, doesn't it?

Tbf I am not someone who places family harmony high on my list of values, but, if you've already allowed your partner to get away with the kind of betrayal you describe, then you don't have much of a leg to stand on in terms of not forgiving her, I don't think. No matter how badly she has behaved, your husband's treatment of you will always be 1000x worse.

user1481840227 · 14/10/2020 16:47

So... yeah... I can see why they would be a bit confused and might have had the expectation that you would sort of just get on with things. If you forgave your husband for something so incredibly nasty, why wouldn't you forgive her, years later?

Or they might see it as between the 2 brothers it was the OPs brother who did something wrong in the first place by having an affair ....so why should the BIL be shut out from family events when he wasn't the one who had the affair?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 14/10/2020 17:48

@user1481840227

So... yeah... I can see why they would be a bit confused and might have had the expectation that you would sort of just get on with things. If you forgave your husband for something so incredibly nasty, why wouldn't you forgive her, years later?

Or they might see it as between the 2 brothers it was the OPs brother who did something wrong in the first place by having an affair ....so why should the BIL be shut out from family events when he wasn't the one who had the affair?

What are you talking about? It was the OP's husband who did something wrong in the first place, not her brother, surely?

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2020 18:13

What are you talking about? It was the OP's husband who did something wrong in the first place, not her brother, surely?

Clearly because if you ban his partner you ultimately ban him. Unless he goes stag.

And the poster has a point. The family might well know they had an affair. It was fourteen years ago, they didn’t behave well. But the op forgave her husband, and now all these years later her bil has developed a totally seperate relationship with her.

And the family aren’t taking sides. I’m not sure the op is being excluded or is excluding her self by refusing to go if she’s there. And the family are just inviting everyone and not getting involved.

Songlyrics · 14/10/2020 18:26

I think it's unfair to say OP forgave him 14 years ago so what's the problem now.

Presumably one of reasons OP was able to continue in her marriage was because her DH broke off all contact with the AP? It is one thing to forgive, accept or tolerate the affair when the AP is cut out completely. It's an entirely different situation now that the AP is back in her life. They reconciled with the understanding that AP was history and by dating BiL she is no longer history but current news.

BlueThistles · 14/10/2020 18:30

you must live in a very small community OP ... hold your head up high and watch carefully... she has form.. she likes other peoples men... she will repeat the same pattern again and again... just quietly wait 🌺

user1481840227 · 14/10/2020 18:38

What are you talking about? It was the OP's husband who did something wrong in the first place, not her brother, surely?

Clearly that was a mistake and I meant to say her husband. The mistake was so obvious that it surely didn't warrant being questioned lol

islockdownoveryet · 14/10/2020 18:42

I think it takes 2 to have a a affair and you understandably hate her but have forgiven him .
The whole her upsetting you telling you details of the sex is just ewww and vindictive . She either hates you is jealous or something else that you haven't said .
Now years later she has a relationship with your Bil .
The woman clearly had no morals because if she had anything about her she'd stay well away from you and your family .
I feel that understandably that you don't want to be around her but I suspect that the family don't want to get involved.
Your dh sounds very much like he has no balls he probably does understand why you'd be upset but doesn't want to or know what to do about the situation.
If it was me I'd be having words with her in fact I would of done it all those years ago. I think if anyone started telling me the details of the affair trying to upset me I'd be doing a stretch in prison .
The slut will move onto someone else's husband at some point .
She must enjoy upsetting you for whatever reason so show her you are not .

Zippy1510 · 14/10/2020 18:43

I wouldn't be letting my husband or son go to any family events that she was at. Spell it out to the in laws that its not ok to go cock hopping around a family and expect everyone to want to spend time together after.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 14/10/2020 19:01

@Songlyrics

I think it's unfair to say OP forgave him 14 years ago so what's the problem now.

Presumably one of reasons OP was able to continue in her marriage was because her DH broke off all contact with the AP? It is one thing to forgive, accept or tolerate the affair when the AP is cut out completely. It's an entirely different situation now that the AP is back in her life. They reconciled with the understanding that AP was history and by dating BiL she is no longer history but current news.

This isn't likely to be the broader family's view though. They will just want to be able to invite all the brothers and all partners to all family events. Folk don't care about the ins and outs of others' marriages, most just want an easy life.

OP is welcome to be furious about it, but then the consequence is a rift in the family. And if OP already forgave her husband for being unfaithful with this lady, then, she probably doesn't like family rifts. So I would assume the best course of action for her would be to ignore this woman and get on with her life without creating more drama around it.

Which, @peoniesenvy you should realise that by getting upset with this woman's presence in your family, you are REALLY pleasing her. Her ego must be huge right now, knowing that she still has the power to upset you this much. If you want to really piss her off, don't react to her and go completely grey rock. That will send her mental with rage, and have the added bonus of you probably coming up smelling of roses when she starts escalating her behaviour to try to get a rise out of you.

user1481840227 · 14/10/2020 19:37

@Songlyrics

I think it's unfair to say OP forgave him 14 years ago so what's the problem now.

Presumably one of reasons OP was able to continue in her marriage was because her DH broke off all contact with the AP? It is one thing to forgive, accept or tolerate the affair when the AP is cut out completely. It's an entirely different situation now that the AP is back in her life. They reconciled with the understanding that AP was history and by dating BiL she is no longer history but current news.

I think people are saying that because a lot of focus seems to be on the in-laws and their morals and how they've handled it....really the main focus for the OP should be on how her husband is handling it now!! Forgiveness after cheating generally comes with conditions and expectations for future behaviour.

This man won't even acknowledge how shit the situation has made her feel. He can't force his family to do anything but at the very least he should tell her he's so sorry that his actions years ago have now come back to haunt him again and he's sorry that she's feeling shit over it and allow her to have a rant!

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2020 21:19

It does appear the op actually has stopped being imvited. That’s unusual,,,

diddl · 14/10/2020 21:25

It's just too screwed up for words.

Original poster

peoniesenvy · 15/10/2020 21:36

I'm sorry. I had to take a step away from this for a little bit. I'm overwhelmed by the support from you people. You are amazing. I was feeling so alone. I think some of that is covid but a lot more of it is the situation. I really appreciate all your input. I think what I'm looking for is a way forward. Much as I would love to punch her I don't actually think it would be a good thing. I'm not sure I have managed to express how close we are generally. I think that's why it hurts so much. We got together for tea every Wednesday and birthdays etc. My mil is 82 and has had 3 strokes all she wants is to see her boys irrespective of who they are with. I do understand that.

OP posts:

Original poster

peoniesenvy · 15/10/2020 21:38

I have just reread that and I mean my family not her- we always were super close

OP posts:

LilyLongJohn · 16/10/2020 06:59

There's no way I'd be happy about this situation at all. It's one thing forgiving the dh if he's full of remorse, worked with you on the relationship etc, but she treated the op appallingly in the aftermath of the affair. You can't compare the two and say if you forgave the husband then you should forgive the ow.

If I were you op, there's no way I'd go to any family events where she'll be, let your dh and dc go. I know it means you'll miss out, but I don't think I could sit in the same room, and who's to say she wouldn't start being confrontational again. I'd not put my self in that position tbh.

You also need to speak to your dh and spell it out to him about how this is making you feel. It's up to him if he wants to go to family gatherings

msflibble · 16/10/2020 07:08

Dear lord OP what a shit situation! I can't imagine how awful it must be to see the woman who has gone out of her way to take a dump on you embraced by people who should care about you. Unbelievable.
She seems weirdly obsessed with you by the way. Why is she still hanging around after all this time? It's very Single White Female... she seems to want your life.
Mad people like this usually drive people away in the end, I'm sure the situation is only temporary. But still that your family have been so inconsiderate is hard to swallow. Would you consider leaving your OH or are things otherwise good now?

BelleSausage · 16/10/2020 07:13

Ignore her. Really really ignore her. Literally like she doesn’t exist. She has a huge problem, don’t let her make it your problem too.

I would suspect that this is just an extension of her issues- she couldn’t have DH so she’s gone for his brother. It’s pathetic. You should feel pity for her because at some point BIL is going to work this out and dump her. People like that can’t keep up the facade forever.

Right now he is thinking with his dick. His brain will start working again soon. Just stick it out until that point.

Wannabangbang · 16/10/2020 07:16

I'd get shot of the lot of them, you can do so much better!

netstaller · 16/10/2020 07:23

"She’s not your friend.

But you know that already.

Don’t go anywhere that she will be. Even if it means you, your DH and DC missing out on a family event. But make sure the wider family are very clear, in this specific situation they absolutely have to choose between you and her, because you and DH will not attend if she’s there. Force them to make awkward choices. Make it uncomfortable for everyone.
If they stick with her (and BiL) you are well rid of their company. Chances are, she’ll be gone in a few months anyway. In the meantime no reason to be subtle about how much you despise her. No need to let her feel comfortable or welcome.

I suggest you proactively speak with DH’s wider family and tell them. Any events it’s us or her, it’s that simple. Don’t feel embarrassed to force the issue. You have done nothing wrong."

Exactly this. You shouldn't have to get over it. Make it uncomfortable and spare no details. I would also look into moving house. But make sure everyone knows who she really is too. And I'd consider leaving DH too if he doesn't back you 100% he sounds awful tbh

netstaller · 16/10/2020 07:27

Also who cares if she's 82? Why are your needs less important than what she wants? And your MH less important than hers? I doubt her family would be urging her to just get over it if it had happened to her. Stick to your guns OP she's a newbie and your a wife. Not to mention the hurt and akwardness her presence brings. Explain why you all won't be attending and stick it. Also look at moving away/leaving this is not a normal situation and too toxic.

popsydoodle4444 · 16/10/2020 07:40

If I was your mother in law I'd invite you to family gatherings not her as it sounds like your father in law will be next on her hit list.

She sounds abit obsessed with you tbh.It sounds like she's peeved your hubby ended the affair and in her eyes he "chose" you over her and you "won" even though that's not quite the case.

It'll be fine;she's probably cheat on your BIL and it'll be over