Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Following on from porn threads, opinions wanted on lap dancing clubs please.

80 replies

suwoo · 12/10/2007 10:12

OK, So DH has occasionally gone to lap dancing clubs in the 10 years we have been together, 3 times a year ish and always with a group on a works do for example. His mate has become slightly obsessed recently and with one particular 'dancer'. He has asked my DH to accompany him and DH to his credit has turned him down on more than a few occasions (he wanted just the two of them to go during working hours ) Just after I had DS, DH received a text from his mate saying that this 'dancer' had been asking after the baby and congratulating him. I obviously lost the plot as was not feeling good about my body image etc, 1 week post partum. DH last went in April and is due to go again in November following a golf day. He is honest about when he goes and how many dances he has, but it just makes me feel so shit. I recently found out that they don't wear knickers and just how close to the men they actually get (think I was being naive before) I know how men get off and its not meaningful and I believe him when he says it doesn't affect our relationship at all. I just can't stop thinking about it at the moment.
So, sorry for the lenghth of that, its really a WWYD?

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 12/10/2007 10:15

I've only been on a couple of lad's nights out and they didn't really do anything for me.

My answer to this kind of thing is always the same: If DW had any objections, I wouldn't have gone. It's no reflection on my masculinity whether I go or not.

Carmenere · 12/10/2007 10:16

Um, um, I think in general these places are ok as they are where men can go to be idiots. But if you have a problem then it is not ok. I wouldn't worry about the one dancer asking after your dc, she is just showing attention to detail to earn more tips.
I wouldn't be delighted if my dp was going to them regularly tbh but 3 times a year and being honest isn't outrageous.

loujay · 12/10/2007 10:18

My DH goes to lapdancing clubs / evenings with about the same regularity as your DH suwoo.
I ask him about it when he gets home - how many dances did he get etc etc and then have a good laugh at his expense for paying a woman to take her clothes off and dance for him when I would do it for free
The blokes have a good time, apparently the girls smell nice (all clean and gorgeous perfume) and that for him is as far as it goes.
Your DH is honest with you and that counts for alot.
As for his mate, he is wasting his money on a girl who probably already has a boyfriend and looks at him as a way of paying her bills, the laugh is on him!!

Marina · 12/10/2007 10:21

He's been honest with you, which is good, and now you have to be honest with him and tell him how this makes you feel.
I think my WWYD isn't awfully relevant because tbh I think lapdancing establishments are sad, exploitative places where a lot of money gets wasted.
Thankfully dh agrees so if we have any cash for fun times we either go out for dinner or stay in with a takeaway and a DVD.
We are usually quite clean and smell nice on these occasions

kittylouise · 12/10/2007 10:21

My DP goes once a year for his Christmas work do (I just roll my eyes and think sad). It genuinely doesn't bother me as I don't think it has any reflection on our relationship. However, it is only once a year.

I think you DH going a couple of times a year is no problem, and like my DP he is honest about it. However, your DH's friend seems to have a bit of a fixation which is (a) very worrying and (b) enormously sad.

But all the reasonable pragmatism goes out of the window when you have just had a baby, I think your husband should be more considerate. Of course your not going to feel that great about you body image, I would be the same sat there thinking about how all the strippers look so much better than me etc etc sob rant.

Can you talk to your DH about this and say honestly that it makes you feel scum, and can he hold off going for a couple of months? Imagine if he had put on weight for medical reasons and you were avidly looking forward to going to the Chippendales (Groovy ) and going woo hoo! Hopefully he will see you point of view - he bloody should!

DrNortherner · 12/10/2007 10:21

Hmm tough one. This thread will divide opinion I'm sure.

I have no issue with porn, I have no issue with my dh visiting lap dancing clubs (although it is a very rare occurance usually birthdays)He only goes about once a year but I think I would object to him going on a regular basis and having private dances.

FWIW I went along with dh last year and me and 2 girlfriends had a private dance as we were intruigued. And you are right they don't wear pants!

serenity · 12/10/2007 10:22

If it makes you uncomfortable, but he feels he has to go then ask him not to have any dances. DH has been a few times (stag nights etc) and I don't care about him going, he's coming home to me at the end of the day, but I would not be happy about him getting some strange womans fanjo in his face. It's too intimate for me. I think it could be unreasonable to not let him go out on work/golf dos (although why do they have to be at lap dancing clubs? Are there no women? Have they got no imagination?) but definitely not unreasonable to ask him not to have an individual dance.

lilibet · 12/10/2007 10:24

Dh was taken to one of these for his stag night - he walked out, really not his type of thing at all and to be honest I was releived, i know that I couldn't handle it.

I know that the others who stayed there (what a crap stag night!) paid for dances and lied to their wives about it, so I would give your dh credit for being honest.

If he knows that it affects you so badly he really shouldn't go.

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 10:26

Thanks so far, I have offered to go with him, but the answer was no . I haven't had an issue with it before really, just since his mate got a bit fixated. I do realise that my DH is his own man with a srong will and will not be easily led by his daft mate. He also agrees his mate is wasting his money etc. I have tried to explain how I feel, but it never comes across right, and I just don't think he can comprehend how I could be feeling, because I genuinely believe to him its nothing IYSWIM.

OP posts:
nappynuttynormabutty · 12/10/2007 10:26

Well I wouldn't have a problem with it. If you have a problem with it tho you should talk to him about it because that's when it does start to affect your relationship.

UnquietDad · 12/10/2007 10:30

Went on a stag night where it was talked about and, thankfully, dismissed in favour of a "normal" club. I don't like the idea... find it really tacky. If I'm going to lech at naked women (perfectly fine activity in its own way) I want to do so in private, not with other blokes!!

DrNortherner · 12/10/2007 10:30

I was going to say go with him!!! A fwe of my girlfriends actually do go along at 2am in the morning. YOu can get a quiet drink and the men leave you alone as they are only interested in the dancers.

I must say, when I went it was ovbious that the men where divided in 2 camps. There were groups of guys on stag do's/birthdays etc having a laugh and egging each other on. Then there were lone men or smaller groups of regulars who took it all very seriously.

The girls know what they are doing and pounce on the men, chatting to them, flicking there hair, crossing and uncrossing legs etc and the men think, God, she's talking to me. She likes me. When no, they just want your cash actually.

pigleto · 12/10/2007 10:37

I wouldn't like dh to go to a club, and I would be livid if he paid someone some of our money to wiggle her parts in his face. If he was a real friend he would tell his mate that he is deluded and not encourage his fantasy.

cestlavie · 12/10/2007 10:45

Firstly, obviously, loads of guys go to strip clubs. I've only been on stag weekends (um, make that just about every stag weekend I think!) but the places are always jammed and plenty of guys I know go outside of stag dos (usually when pissed, often with people from office it seems). Everyone's got their own view on whether this is right or wrong, and no doubt posters on here will say it's just out and out wrong. That's their issue but I'd say the majority of guys have been and personally I have no issue with going, although a lot of them seem to be bloody dull, expensive and loud - often it's just way of extending the evening without going to a club (you get a chair and a table to sit down at for starters which means quite a bit when you're 30+!)

On the other hand though, I think there is a difference between going to a club generally and getting a private dance. DW doesn't mind me going to a strip club but wouldn't be thrilled with me having a private dance. I think that's pretty fair as having a private dance is a lot more intimate than just standing at the bar watching someone on stage. That being said though, that's an entirely personal view point, and plenty of guys have had them, including lots of guys I know.

What is amusing from your post though is the fact that the dancer knew about you having a baby! If you've got any qualms about it, that really should put them in perspective... I mean, some girl turns up, starts chatting to him in the hope of getting a dance off him (as they always do) and they end up instead nattering about you and the baby... Hardly like he's trying to have a sexy conversation with her!

DrNortherner · 12/10/2007 11:31

Good point cestlavie!

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 11:31

Good point, Cestlavie, that has cheered me right up Thanks for everyones points, it seems like most of you think the same as me really. I will show DH this thread because I think it expresses how I feel in a positive way, without degenerating as discussions often can. Also to be fair to DH, when he does go, he rings me on the way in and the way out, so I know how long he's been in there, and I'm not imagining things all night!
What really triggered all this off is an email from his saddo mate with a link to a live lap dance video. DH had left his email inbox on the screen and the title of the email was the name of the club they go to, so I clicked on it and watched the live lap dance. I think it just made me realise how filthy it actually is as up until recently I thought they actually wore lingerie! So, yes I know not to read DH's emails and 'that'll teach me' etc, but I do feel better now, so thanks.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 12/10/2007 11:36

Personally, I'd never pay for a private dance. To me the whole point is a bit of a lad's night to have a laugh as a group. One on one is crossing the line, in my book.

DrNortherner · 12/10/2007 11:41

Yes I wouldn't be happy with dh having a private dance either. But then he'd rather save his money and buy some golf balls.....

FWIW it's hardly 'private' anyway, the rooms generally have curtains not doors and there is a bouncer type man with a clipboard patrolling outside.

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 11:51

If I am correct, which for DH's sake, I hope I am the private dances he and his mates have are right there in the main area, not in a private room as such. I assume this as he takes the piss out of blokes who haven't been before and describes their facial expressions to me. It costs £10, I think for this 'privilege'.

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 12/10/2007 11:56

Not heard that before. It's not private then is it? And other men can watch without paying. I thought the idea was to go elsewhere just you and teh dancer.

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 11:59

Hmm, I'll have to ask him later. It may have been me calling it 'a private dance'. I just assumed that was what went on, and was called a 'private dance'. I definately know he has seen his mates having their dances. Hope he's not been off to a room, I would find that a bit too much.

OP posts:
LilBloodRedWantsGore · 12/10/2007 12:00

DH went to one on his stag night, almost ten years ago, and then on a mate's stag night earlier this year. He said they have changed a lot in ten years. Ten years ago, they just came to your table and danced and now you go to a cubicle so no-one else can watch for free. The cubicle is open on one side with bodyguards there for the girls' safety.

DH had dances at his stag night but not at his mate's. He said it doesn't particularly do anything for him and he can't understand people who go often. He knows I don't like it but at least has told me when he's going. Interestingly, his mate didn't tell his fiancee - she still doesn't know now.

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 12/10/2007 12:01

Meant to say that the reason I don't like it is the obvious one - I'm insecure about my own body and worry about him prefering the dancers to me.

DrNortherner · 12/10/2007 12:05

You could always give yuor dh a private dance at home

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 12:09

I have thought about that, usually when I joke about it, he tends to do a vomit face . Maybe I seriously should.......

OP posts: