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Original poster

Following on from porn threads, opinions wanted on lap dancing clubs please.

80 replies

suwoo · 12/10/2007 10:12

OK, So DH has occasionally gone to lap dancing clubs in the 10 years we have been together, 3 times a year ish and always with a group on a works do for example. His mate has become slightly obsessed recently and with one particular 'dancer'. He has asked my DH to accompany him and DH to his credit has turned him down on more than a few occasions (he wanted just the two of them to go during working hours ) Just after I had DS, DH received a text from his mate saying that this 'dancer' had been asking after the baby and congratulating him. I obviously lost the plot as was not feeling good about my body image etc, 1 week post partum. DH last went in April and is due to go again in November following a golf day. He is honest about when he goes and how many dances he has, but it just makes me feel so shit. I recently found out that they don't wear knickers and just how close to the men they actually get (think I was being naive before) I know how men get off and its not meaningful and I believe him when he says it doesn't affect our relationship at all. I just can't stop thinking about it at the moment.
So, sorry for the lenghth of that, its really a WWYD?

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 12/10/2007 13:17

Don't blame the lapdancers, blame your OH. It's his fault they are waving their minges at him, it's his £10 that's getting them to do it.

If you don't care, why post? You clearly do and that's perfectly understandable.

IKnowIKnowDontBollockMe · 12/10/2007 13:17

I think they're seedy and pathetic, and I am amazed that I have somehow ended up marrying someone with such shady morals, and such questionable integrity. I hate them. They have no place in a healthy adult relationship

mumblechum · 12/10/2007 13:21

Interesting how this thread has changed from resigned acceptance to abhorrence from some posters.

Glad I'm not the only one for whom it would be totally unacceptable.

How would your dh feel if you sat in a chair and watched some naked fit young guy doing the equivalent, just a few inches away from you?

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 13:24

You're right of course I care, or why would I post. I think that custy has hit the nail on the head, I want him to say, OK I won't go if you don't like it. But what I don't want is him to do it in that moody way, 'Oh I won't go then' where I then give in.

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 12/10/2007 13:26

The last line was more generally directed suwoo. I can completely understand why you don't care about lapdancers' feelings. Just wanted to remind people that there is a wider issue and it's not only the wives and girlfriends of the punters who are getting hurt, the women they use get hurt too.

Sorry I was a bit harsh but it does piss me off that your husband could throw something like this in your face and expect you not to mind and to just go along with it. He's not the only man like that either.

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 13:27

Surely it can't only be me though that worries about the comparisons of bodies? Mine really isn't that bad, but its got to be worse than theirs. Why 'bemused', Custy?

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 12/10/2007 13:27

You DO need to talk to him properly. Get your true feelings across, so that you don't just sound like a nag spoiling his fun. If he knows how much and why you hate it and he STILL insists on going...then he's dumpable.

If he really didn't realise how hurt you feel, then he's forgivable.

cestlavie · 12/10/2007 13:30

Suwoo, that's entirely your right and if that's how you feel then you should certainly say something. Of course, nobody likes being 'told' what they can or can't do but personally if DW said to me that she'd really prefer me not to go to them even on stag weekends, then I'd have no problem living with it. If you tell him that it really does make you feel like shit and that's why you'd prefer him not to then I imagine he'd be okay with that. He sounds like a pretty decent guy from what you've said.

cestlavie · 12/10/2007 13:34

And on the body thing, I think most people think that the dancers are all like something out of Baywatch (showing my age here!) Some are of course, but the vast majority certainly aren't. One of my housemates at uni worked as a dancer for a while and whilst she's not un-attractive she'd be absolutely nothing like you probably have in mind.

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 13:35

Feel quite upset now. He is a very decent guy, but I worry that he does know how I feel and is still happy to go. Lets put it into perspective, he hasn't been since April and won't be going until Nov (with a group) so there is no point me worrying now, but I thin that does prove the strength of my feelings on the matter. I will show him this thread, as I think I have expressed my true feelings well.

OP posts:
newgirl · 12/10/2007 13:37

i think it makes dh and his mate look a bit sad tbh

i dont mind lapdancers making a living or men going maybe BEFORE they have a wife or long-term partner, but afterwards - where is the respect for their partner? jeez cant they just go out with mates and have a conversation or watch a football match?

especially after a new baby - i think it shows complete lack of tact and caring

Tortington · 12/10/2007 13:46

dont show him the thread for gods sake - there will be an argument about how you can put this problem ON THE INTERNET and all holy shit will break loose

besides he will only refer to the posters who say its perfectly ok -

the onyl way forward is to sit at the dining room talbe and say " i need to chat, the rules are no shouting, raised voices, huffing puffing and storming off - or crying - i promise i wont do this if you promise you wont either and lets just talk - i have an issue and i love you so much that i would rather talk about it like grown ups. I dont like that nekkid ladies parade on your crotch. I am not an old fuddy duddy, i am not insecure. I dont think its acceptable. If you think it is acceptable then we have to bridge a gap and see how we can get over this. I hink you would agree should i be in a club in town and some gorgeous guy started rubbing his crotch into my arse on the dancefloor ( fiddy cent stylee) then you wouldn't find it acceptable if i let him do it.

There shouldnt be double standards. I am not apportioning blame, what has gone has gone no point in dwelling on past. lets conentrate on the future. i can't feel secure in your love if this carries on"

mumblechum · 12/10/2007 13:48

Good post Custy

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 13:50

Oh custy, that scares the shit out of me. We have NEVER sat down and talked like that. We are both volatile and I get very emotional- in fact crying now. I thought if I showed him the thread it would be all there- calmly and rationally out.

OP posts:
Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 13:51

Custy, he won't be bothered about the internet thing as he is a big forum user too.

OP posts:
lilibet · 12/10/2007 13:51

(stands in awe at the mighty custard)

Excellent post Custy!

ToadieG1 · 12/10/2007 13:54

I agree with custy. I don't mind porn in the slightest but lap dancing is a whole different ball gamee imo.

Novacane · 12/10/2007 13:59

My OH has been a few times since we have been together (probably 3 times in 5 years)

Personally couldn't give a shit whether he has a private dance or has a girl wave his fanjo at her or whatever they do there- it's not like he hasn't seen it before!

At the end of the day I trust him and he would loose a hell of a lot more than me if he ever messed around!

2mum · 12/10/2007 14:09

I would divorce dh if he went within a hundred yards of a stripclub! He wouldnt go to one anyway as he knows better!

HappyDaddy · 12/10/2007 14:10

2mum, he's probably in one now.

Sorry, not very helpful .

cestlavie · 12/10/2007 14:14

Just a thought custy, what happens if he says "yes, fine I honestly don't mind you going to a male strip club". Personally, I certainly don't mind DW going to a male strip club (well, usually a male strip night at a strip club more accurately) when she's been out on a hen-do.

Original poster
suwoo · 12/10/2007 14:16

Cestlavie, he would say that!! I have tried to use examples before, like getting chatted up in a bar and flirting with someone but he says its not the same.

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 12/10/2007 14:18

The male strip club isn't a good comparison because women don't harass and abuse the men the same way that the women in strip clubs are abused (a big burly Chippendale doesn't have much to fear from a few overexcited women whereas women in strip clubs sometimes need security to get them to walk them to the car because of vicious punters). Prostitution isn't the name of the game at male strip clubs either.

The better question would be - "how would you feel if I became a lapdancer"? After all if it's nothing and just a job that the women he's using are doing, he won't mind his wife doing the same.

2mum · 12/10/2007 14:19

I hope not! Cos if he is in a stripclub right now hes got my ds with him too! Hes off work today and is picking up ds.

Tortington · 12/10/2007 14:22

thats why i used the analogy of te dancefloor.

if you think that using that analogy weakens your argument then don't use it. C'estlavie in answer to your question i think we all have different tolerances and things we find acceptable at different levels. I think just becuase one partner thinks its fine should not give that partner cart blanche to carry on, rather hopefully with a lovng exlaination that person would stop even if they dont see the harm in it - they can see that it is upsetting for someone they loved.