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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is right?

28 replies

Millymollymandy13 · 08/10/2020 19:30

Not a TAAT as such...but inspired by another thread on here which prompted a discussion with my partner.

We have been living together since March, in a very small space. He's very tidy, I am not. To help with keeping housework fair, we have a rota, and an agreement to clean the whole space every other weekend. We pretty much stick to it, which helped us not get irritated with each other initially. However, further arguments arise now as he is not happy with the 'standard' of my cleaning and how I do things. I am quite forgetful (I have ADHD) and tbh, remembering to put everything in the same place, every time, and how things 'should' be done, is not at the top of my agenda. I have a very busy and stressful full time job, as well as trying to finish a qualification on top of that, meaning in total I work 40 hours+ a week, every week. Should I try more or should he chill out?

OP posts:
category12 · 08/10/2020 19:38

Difficult to say. Have either of you lived with other people before - what would flatmates or friends say about your/his habits? What were standards like in your respective parents' homes?

It doesn't sound like you're all that compatible if you're fighting a lot.

Is your partner equally busy with work & study?

Perhaps try again a calm conversation about standards this time and see where there's overlap and discord, and if you can compromise.

TableFlowerss · 08/10/2020 19:40

I thunk you’re right and he needs to chill out.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2020 19:43

It depends on how far apart your standards are. A glass left in the sink is one thing, a sink full of filthy dishes is another. The reality is that you may not be a good fit for each other. Personally, I could never live with a messy person. It would drive me insane.

Backofthenewt · 08/10/2020 19:48

Depends on whether either of you are very extreme. Are you very messy, or is he very rigidly tidy?

Original poster
Millymollymandy13 · 08/10/2020 19:48

I used to live with a ex who was extremely messy and the boot was then on the other foot! He has never lived with a partner before. His mum is fairly OCD with cleaning.

We only argue about housework and I feel that being in a studio and both wfh throughout Covid has definitely had an impact...as in no space from each other at all! Other than that we share most of our life goals and values...although I do not disparage the importance housework has, given the amount of time we spend in our lives doing it, I would not want to break up over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymandy13 · 08/10/2020 19:54

He is working full time, but in a fully wfh job, whereas I work wfh and in the community, dealing with, lets say 'hostile' face to face visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymandy13 · 08/10/2020 20:05

@Backofthenewt

Depends on whether either of you are very extreme. Are you very messy, or is he very rigidly tidy?
His main gripes are that I don't put things back in the right place, I leave the dish towel on the side where it gets wet, and when cooking I stack things in the sink (as I say, we have limited space) where grease gets on other items. He also says that I dont wash things up thoroughly enough and there is grease or food on them- I never leave obvious grease or food on them that I can see so am bewildered by this.
OP posts:
user1471457751 · 08/10/2020 21:56

2 people living in a studio is difficult as there will be a severe lack of space. WFH in a studio is probably rather depressing as he'll be in the same room almost 24/7, even prisoners get a change of scenery for meals. Having to WFH in a cramped space and with mess left behind by a partner? Would drive me crazy

TheBlueStocking · 08/10/2020 22:27

If you have a cleaning rota then yes one of you is unreasonable. A rota!!!

PornStarOvaltini · 08/10/2020 22:53

Can you take on different jobs op, and let him do the ones he complains about?

Original poster
Millymollymandy13 · 09/10/2020 07:37

@PornStarOvaltini

Can you take on different jobs op, and let him do the ones he complains about?
Good idea- it's mostly the washing up thats his main complaint. I am not sure what's an 'equivalent' chore though- that is an every day, fairly lengthy one as we both like cooking fairly complicated dinners (and whoever cooks doesn't wash up) and neither would want to stop cooking.
OP posts:
ulanbatorismynextstop · 09/10/2020 07:51

He should chill out, ultimAtely you aren't compatible

MikeUniformMike · 09/10/2020 07:55

Did you move in with him, or did you both move in at the same time?

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 09/10/2020 07:55

To be honest the things he says you’re doing, would drive me nuts!!
I totally get the hang the tea towel, wash the plates properly. By the way, you need to use more washing liquid, stack cutlery so it dries..... otherwise you’re just making his life more differcult and giving him another job to do!

Original poster
Millymollymandy13 · 09/10/2020 08:26

We both moved in together to an apartment when Covid hit.

In terms of compatibility...not sure a difference in washing up styles is irretrievable or that many people here would leave their partners because of it! Or maybe I've spent too much time on the relationship boards lol. Where's my LTB?

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 09/10/2020 08:52

Thanks for replying to my question.

The washing up isn't that big a deal, but I think you need to be tidier and he needs to lighten up, or it won't work.

TiggerDatter · 09/10/2020 08:58

In such a small space, there has to be ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ so I think you should try harder with that. Show him you’re doing so. As for him, if there are some aspects of your washing up that he doesn’t like - well, he can redo those bits, and say nothing, because it’s his choice.

anonnnnni · 09/10/2020 09:25

Six of one, half a dozen of the other here I think.

Aside from the obvious reasons for this annoyance cropping up, how about some tweaks to make life easier/cleaner:

  1. a dish drying rack- if you don’t have one already

  2. hooks to hang dish cloths on

  3. a grease-busting soap/WU liquid

If that all fails, 4) a less highly strung partner

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/10/2020 09:37

My sisters don't wash the dishes properly, there is always a greasy residue on things and missed specs of food. Assuming he is correct that you are doing this, it isn't considerate to not clean communal things properly. Can you really not see any grease/dirt whatsoever on the dishes you wash? (genuine question, as if you really can't then the issue will lie with him).

I understand that everyone has different cleaning standards and habits but the three things you have mentioned have a direct impact on him - not putting things back so he doesn't know where things are, not cleaning dishes properly that he also has to use and not hanging the tea towel so it is always wet. I would be concerned if he was having a go at you about more minor things but these are all pretty standard parts of keeping a home clean imo

WhatWouldJKRDo · 09/10/2020 09:41

Buy a dishwasher?

Original poster
Millymollymandy13 · 09/10/2020 10:28

Unfortunately no space for a dishwasher or even hooks! We do have a drying rack. We use Ecover...is this a good one?

We have agreed that I will try harder with the washing up, he will stop nagging about things being in different places (this is nigh on impossible for me due to ADHD- I lose all my own stuff constantly) and we will set 5 minutes aside each night to discuss chores and other than that we will not talk about bloody housework! As also I get quite irritated with him randomly blurting out new chores he has thought of in the evening when I am trying to relax.

Thanks for all the advice...maybe I was BU to think he is some kind of cleaning fascist Smile.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/10/2020 10:29

This would annoy me too, sorry.

If you were a man people would be shouting “strategic incompetence!” (Do a job so badly that you don’t have to do it again.) and pointing your OH to the article on Must Be This Tall To Ride called “she left me because I left dishes by the sink” .

(In fact I’ve sent it to my own DP previously and while searching for it to post here, I came across another useful one of this guy’s posts today and just sent him that too, thank you!)

It’s not about the dishes, it’s about the fact that the dishes are important to him and not to you.

willowmelangell · 09/10/2020 10:50

What about a sink top dishwasher, no plumbing involved?
Look up COOKOLOGY CMDW2SL. It sits on the draining board. You plug it in. Attach the flexible hose to the back, run the hose into the sink. Use the jug provided to pour tap hot water into the water tank.

It is very smart looking, takes 4 complete place settings, runs quietly and uses the same amount of water as a small washing up bowl.

It has loads of programs and has eliminated washing up arguments in my houseGrin
Oh and, buy it from a cashback website (Quidco? say) and you will get money back.

TiggerDatter · 09/10/2020 10:54

Ecover is rubbish. Fairy every time, plus a good scourer/sponge, and rinse everything in very hot water.

It sounds like you are grownups, you can sort this out OP!

ToastyCrumpet · 09/10/2020 10:57

You can get small dishwashers that sit on the counter. Would that work?

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