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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be fed up

102 replies

FlorentineAz · 07/10/2020 21:44

I’m so sick of my boyfriend’s behaviour - like some kind of under sexed teenager.

He has made it quite clear to me that he thinks my looks are a 5/10. He has told me I have a big nose and flat boobs.

He also seems to delight in telling me how attractive his friend’s girlfriends are. I have asked him time and time again not to comment on the attractiveness of other women and to save it for his male friends but he just does it again and again.

He’s like some sort of 48 year old teenager. I’ve just had enough and he’s just commented that his friends new girlfriend is very good looking. I didn’t ask him this and don’t want to know. Especially when he’s made it clear he thinks I’m not pretty.

I’ve just told him I’m fed up of his behaviour and feel like going and finding a man who actually thinks I’m attractive. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Onxob · 08/10/2020 09:50

Oh come ON OP! You know you're under reacting surely? Get rid of him. I see he's a boyfriend, not a husband, so surely it should be easy to get rid of the the balding tubby prince? And what is it with these middle aged, unattractive men who feel they have a right to "rate" women on their attractiveness and if they're some sort of Adonis? Bleurghhh he sounds vile and you deserve much, much better than this pig. Get rid of him!

TwentyViginti · 08/10/2020 09:54

Relationships should enhance our lives, not be a cause of stress and upset

This cannot be repeated enough.

Runnerduck34 · 08/10/2020 09:54

I think he is deliberately trying to put you down, maybe lead by his own insecurities but either way yanbu to find it hurtful and long term it will damage your self esteem. Please end this relationship before it get any more serious, you don't want to live with and have DC with a man like this.

GrandmaMazur · 08/10/2020 10:01

You've already told him how his behaviour makes you feel. If he cared he would take that on board (if he was actually so stupid that he really didn't realise that it wasn't a nice way to behave) and stop doing it. But instead he's told you that no, you're wrong to feel that way.

Listen to what he's telling you. He doesn't actually care that what he is saying to you is hurtful. It really doesn't matter what his motives are. He's not going to stop doing it.

SBTLove · 08/10/2020 10:49

@Onxob
balding tubby prince
🤣🤣🤣

ScatteredMama82 · 08/10/2020 10:50

Get rid of him!! He sounds vile. Why are you with a man like that??

Palavah · 08/10/2020 10:56

Why are you bothering trying to explain to him?

If he 1) said something like that, and 2) kept saying jt
Then why do you think he will change now? Why is it you having to go to counselling to be able to cope with what your boyfriend says to you? Why waste yourself and your life like that.

Oh, and what HE looks like is irrelevant. He could be the best looking man on the planet and that wouldn't make it ok.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 11:03

I'm still gobsmacked that you went and had counselling and didn't for one second think that maybe he was the problem. I'm also gobsmacked at how shit your counsellor is for not immediately pointing out that he was the problem,

Get rid of them both, and find a new (cbt style) one that will help you see this for yourself from now on, immediately, instead of actually having to think about it.

As to how you get rid of him? It's simple. Ghost him. Let him wonder. Go on, I dare you. Just block his numbers on your phone and let him think the worst. As you have blocked him he can't do the whole 'oh I thought you'd been run over by a bus' thing.

ilikemethewayiam · 08/10/2020 12:02

It’s projection OP, he’s no Brad Pitt and he knows it. He’s putting you down to make himself feel better. He has no self esteem so is trying to destroy yours. It’s the equivalent of him pushing you under water in order to stop himself from drowning.

ilikemethewayiam · 08/10/2020 12:06

And as other PP have said, stopping him from saying it, won’t stop him thinking it. The poison will leak out some other way!

You need to gather your indignation and pride and finish it. He’s already chipped away at your self esteem don’t allow anymore.

Original poster
FlorentineAz · 08/10/2020 12:15

I am kind of ok with him thinking other women are attractive. I’m not sure that can be helped. I think other men are attractive. However, I just don’t want to hear about it.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 12:45

You have far bigger problems than whether he thinks other women are attractive. You do realise that don't you?

holrosea · 08/10/2020 12:48

OMFG I am so angry on your behalf. Straight off: LTB. Dump him. OMG get rid.

He must be a fucking prince of a looker with a gold-plated knob to be passing such judgements on other people. And when I read that he is 48?! 48?!!! Jesus Christ on a bike.

Please, please get rid of this idiot. Apart from the fact that it is clearly unpleasant and a behaviour that you have repeatedly asked him not to do (clear lack of respect for your feelings), he is also rather superficial and just an utter prick (5 out of 10? Well why doesn't he fuck off and get one of these more attractive girlfriends then? You'd be better off).

Sorry for all the fucks, I'm mad on your behalf.

I don't care if your nose is big or your boobs are flat (are they even? Or is it just a manipulative twat putting you down to keep you with him?), you deserve far more respect and affection. Jesus, where are you? I'll come and tell him for you. xx

Dery · 08/10/2020 12:50

"I’m going to see him tomorrow to discuss this. If he doesn’t agree to stop it, I’m going to end it.

I just don’t understand why he does this. I’ve often thought that he might deliberately be trying to bring me down."

Good. I hope you do end it. He is trying to bring you down. It might not be conscious on his part. But it is a strategy called "negging": which involves belittling your partner so they feel insecure and grateful to be with you and therefore less likely to leave.

If being with a partner routinely makes you feel bad then they are not the partner for you.

holrosea · 08/10/2020 12:55

@FlorentineAz

I am kind of ok with him thinking other women are attractive. I’m not sure that can be helped. I think other men are attractive. However, I just don’t want to hear about it.
But that's not the point though, is it?

This is not about him finding other women attractive (plenty of people are able to appreciate a good looking human without damaging their partner's self esteem).

It's about him telling you you're a 5/10. It's about you going to therapy because his comments make you feel insecure. It's about you having a nagging feeling that you're not pretty/sexy enough. It's about him creating that doubt then telling you you're stupid for having it.

Honestly, I'm not sure I'd even discuss it with him. I'd just say "this is no longer making me happy, I don't want to see you anymore" then ignore, block, delete. Flowers

FinallyHere · 08/10/2020 12:57

There is only one reliable way to make sure he never does it again. Message him ' this isn't working for me' then block him on everything.

Be kind to yourself. If you ever find anyone who treats you badly, don't keep asking them to stop. Actions speak much louder than words. Just drop them.

Anyone who is so vile to you really just does not deserve your time. Find people who are kind and lovely to be around.

Original poster
FlorentineAz · 08/10/2020 12:57

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl I’m sorry to be dense but I don’t understand what you mean. 🙂

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 08/10/2020 13:01

@FlorentineAz She means you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and your partner is treating you awfully; this is a much bigger issue than whether or not he finds other women attractive

wheresmymojo · 08/10/2020 13:04

You really need to end this.

You make a distinction between 'him' and 'his behaviour'. His behaviour is him.

"When someone tells you who they are, listen"

This is not how decent relationships work. It feels to me like you don't have a solid understanding of how happy relationships are supposed to be, the very fact you had to ask others about this rather than just walking away the day he said you were a 5/10 demonstrates that.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is get rid of this vile pig (that's what he is, except that actually pigs are much nicer than he is) and then work on understanding what respectful, happy relationships look like and building up your self esteem so that you believe you deserve one.

You shouldn't 'discuss it with him' - discussions are for things like 'it would be good if you remember to take the bins out next week'.

They aren't for emotionally abusive behaviour, which is what this is.

He will most likely gaslight you and try to make it all about you being oversensitive, not being able to take a joke or whatever.

DO NOT let him do that to you. You have a load of women here all telling you the same thing.

SBTLove · 08/10/2020 13:36

This about the fourth thread this week with women tying themselves in knots trying to ‘understand’ some awful man.
None of them live together, no kids, why? just why?
Have some self respect and dump these vile little men.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 09/10/2020 00:06

Sorry yes that's exactly what I mean. He's a pretty awful man and really it's worrying that you aren't heading for the hills already. Your self esteem must be rock bottom and unfortunately probably was before this. Men like this can spot weakness and low self esteem and tend to zero in on it.

It's not healthy s as bc I suspect part of a wider issue for you Flowers

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 09/10/2020 00:09

I've been out with lots of men. And ocassionally you'll get one that tries this nonsense. And they are always always not worth it. There is no lovely guy inside. Just an insecure man trying to make himself feel better at your expense.

Maze76 · 09/10/2020 00:21

I can only echo what others have said, get out of the relationship. He’s not going to change, if anything, if you allow this to continue, he will get worse. That’s no way to live, you deserve better.

Anordinarymum · 09/10/2020 00:29

@TwentyViginti

Relationships should enhance our lives, not be a cause of stress and upset

This cannot be repeated enough.

And that's why I am repeating it
user1481840227 · 09/10/2020 02:33

This is abusive.
He is deliberately criticising what you look like so that you don't get any ideas that you could leave and meet someone else.
This is deliberate abuse. He knows the damage it is causing.

Abusers don't stop being abusive just because you ask them to!