Pretending to punch/play fighting- what's acceptable?

[tribolitesareawesome]

So my stbxp (separation not related to this thread) who I am living with due to COVID play fights with our 5 year old daughter. I dont think play fighting is necessarily bad, it's just the way he does it.

He tickles her until she cries, in pain.
When she doesn't something he doesnt approve of, he pretends to punch her or holds his fist as if to punch her (but playfully)
He play bites with her, which I don't like
He gropes me in front of her which I hate and do not welcome
He belittles me in front of her and is happy to tell her I'm an idiot who lacks wisdom
Threatens to hit her instead of using ways to rectify the behaviour

I'm not against play fighting, although I don't do it with DD in case someone gets hurt and I feel it's all round an unpleasant way to behave.

Am I in the wrong to think his behaviour is over the top?

That doesn't really sound like play fighting

None of that is play fighting. It is abuse.

Absolutely none of that is right and I come from an era when an awful lot was ok. That isn't though, it's truly damaging behaviour. I hope you can truly separate soon.

Nothing you have said is ok OP and I hope he moves out asap. He is demonstrating that he is in control of you and your daughter and it is not play fighting. Please talk to someone about this to protect your self and your daughter.

Play fighting is supposed to be playing, like both people playing and having fun, rather like a joke should be funny to both teller and the person it’s being said to. None of what you have described is play, it’s things being done to your DD, tings that aren’t funny or playful or reciprocal.

My dad also used to do the pin me down and tickle me til I screamed and cried thing. I hated it. It wasn’t play it was horrible. I hated being tickled and I couldn’t get away, and no matter how distressed I got he wouldn’t stop til he was ready. Only a ducking dickhead arsehole thinks doing something to someone to the point where they’re crying is funny or acceptable.

It’s abuse.

None of this is acceptable. It is all assault. I assume both of you say “No” and he doesn’t stop. Intimidation and coercion are forms of violence. Don’t teach your DD that this is ok.

Ok. I'm asking because he makes a joke of holding his fist to her. And "play" punches with softly which I hate.

Though I was just being hysterical or ott despite her not actually being physically hurt.

He play fights with me in front of DD and puts his hands in between my legs. I don't know if she is witnessing anything but he doesn't stop when asked. He doesnt stop tickling her either when she begs him to stop.

It’s not playfighting with you either, if you don’t consent.

Do you want to go on living like this, both you and your daughter being assaulted regularly in your own home ?

Does he also touch your daughter Between her legs ?

Get the fuck rid of him.

I've just realised she's his DD, is t she?

So you have the problem of access etc.

You're going to have to go to women's aid/social services about this before he gets unsupervised access.

Note down every incident you can remember.

Does he also touch your daughter Between her legs?

I dont understand why you would wrote something like this. I'm certain that would never happen, my daughter would tell me. I always tell her that nobody should touch her private areas and to tell me.

Do you think there's any hope he'll not want access/will be an absent dad (bearing in mind his child maintenance will be more the fewer overnights he has her)?

You're going to have to go to women's aid/social services about this before he gets unsupervised access

Is it really that serious? I would think it best to talk to him first to get him to realise his behaviour is wrong

He will want access that's for sure

I dont understand why you would wrote something like this.

I think she's just considering the fact that he gropes you in front of your DD (sexually inappropriate/degenerate) and that child sex abusers often move from tickling abs play fighting into sexual assaults, it's a common approach for them to take.

I would think it best to talk to him first to get him to realise his behaviour is wrong

The tickling until shes crying, ticking when she wants him to stop, pretend punching her etc is debatable in terms of being clueless, over the top, boisterous, immaturity etc (debatable!). The touching you sexually/on sexual/intimate parts of your body in front of her id highly highly inappropriate behaviour that would be considered abuse of you and child sex abuse of her.

Sorry I didn't quote your entire post. I think the groping you in front of her is that bad; and his behaviour towards her is concerning too.

I wonder how you talk to someone why thinks any of that is ok (especially the former)? They wouldn't be doing it if they had decent, well adjusted standards of behaviour.

What are you ending the relationship over (since you said this is not why)?

He tickles her until she cries, in pain.

This is enough for me to read. The very first line of your description. This is abusive. Do not let this man abuse your child. Get rid

This is one of those horrible situations where op is told to leave asap, but things could be worse for the child when she does... Because he's very likely to continue this behaviour towards the child - and op won't be there to intervene.

(He could also grope any new partner in front of your DD).

That's why I suggested getting help from WA/SS.

I opened this thread thinking perhaps it was some rough housing that the OP was uncomfortable with because it wasn't her thing. And we play fight a lot in this house! Adults too! But OP, your post makes me feel really uncomfortable. That's not anything I recognise as playing, that is one person exerting dominance over two others, one of whom can do very little to resist. The bit about him groping you in front of her makes me feel especially creeped out.

None of this is ok. If you feel talking to him is the first step then do it, but the first instance that he reverts back to his old behavior, you need to react. Ask him to leave the house, physically stop him from tickling your dd. You need to show her what boundaries are and he should be helping with that not pissing all over them.

It's worth pointing out that (at best) he has either no normal/decent boundaries re groping a woman in front of a child - which makes you wonder what other boundaries are missing ... Or at worst he's grooming the child to normalise her to sexual touching (first in front of her, then on her). Sounds paranoid but ...

The tickling when she doesnt want it, until she's distressed show such disrespect and lack of empathy towards her feelings and her bodily autonomy.

The pretend punching likewise and is actually very intimidating.

At best it's physical bullying.

It's all disturbing to me, and I would record it all and get some advice.