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Original poster

is he going to propose?

89 replies

Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 10:55

Probably going to get slated for this as i have been snooping when i shouldn't of done and now I'm hopeful but also I'm not sure if he is going to propose to me :(
I have been with my partner for 2 years, and we have 3 children between us, we are starting building work next year on our forever home, planning permission submitted, just waiting for the approval etc.
ok so this weekend its my birthday and he has organized for us to go for a nice meal, with our close friends, Covid taken into account etc but recently due to the increases in rates going up, i wanted to drop out, but friends have convinced me to go and no one else seems concerned, its not a big birthday of mine and i would of been happy to stay home with a take away. all my friends have been contacting him with times and places etc, which is a little strange but put this down to him organizing it and not me.
so he has been telling me all week that he has ordered me another present, and me being the child that i am, wanted to see what he had bought me, so i checked him emails, as his details are saved in my computer, ok so i clicked on one item and i could see it was a paypal receipt for a 14K plated necklace thats on the lines of to my future wife to be, it comes in a box that says i wasnt your first kiss or first love etc etc.
so now im freaking out to what this means, yesterday i was so excited as we have talked about getting married in the future, but then i felt a bit shit that i may have ruined it for him, but was on top of the world. Today i have work up and think differently, what if he isnt going to do it this weekend and just bought it as a promise for the future etc and he thought it was nice gift, which has now left me gutted and a bit sad :(
i dont want to go for the meal expecting something and then nothing to happen grrrr!!!! i cant talk to anyone in real life as they may know and again i dont want to ruin it for him, so now im in some kind of unknown limbo until saturday/sunday, why am i like this, why have i done this to myself, im an idiot!!!!

has anyone got any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
burglarbettybaby · 30/09/2020 10:58

I totally think he is going to propose but try and not overthink it. He might decide to wait until Christmas or something so don't spoil it for yourself 🤔

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 11:08

thanks for the reply, its hard to not overthink when i do this all the time, i wish i could go back to yesterday and not of looked, im so annoyed with myself!!!
i always imagined how he would do it, and i thought he would of maybe done it with just the both of us and not in front of friends etc, so this is what is making me think he wont do it at the meal, its so unlike him. but with Covid etc i expected people to drop out of the meal as it was booked ages ago, but they are making an effort to come and im like why, 2 of the women are pregnant so i would of understood them not wanting to come, but they are adamant they want to be there,,, maybe im clutching at straws here and looking for things :(

OP posts:
edwinbear · 30/09/2020 11:08

I'd just try to put the whole thing to the back of your mind and concentrate on having a lovely birthday meal with your friends. If it happens, lovely, if it doesn't, I'm sure it will at some point.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 30/09/2020 11:20

Have you learned your lesson re. snooping??? It's never going to end well trawling through your partner's emails...

Bunnymumy · 30/09/2020 11:22

Unless he is being non traditional and proposing with a necklace then I think it's safe to say that it's just a nice meal and a gift. Unless he bought a ring too that you havent seen...

Though I'm curious as to why you are building a forever house (with all the work and money that must include) with a man who you arent yet married to. Surely that's a big risk. I hope you are covering yourself legally if you are both putting half in. I dont think I would have agreed to even enter talks about house building until we were married.

That being said, if you've been talking about marriage lately...maybe he has take it on board. And if not...why dont you wait until he gives you the necklace - and then, YOU propose! It is 2020 afterall. Make things happen.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 11:23

@Srslydontgiveacrap - yes i feel very rubbish today and i have learned my lesson :( serves me right doesnt it

OP posts:
user15412486546 · 30/09/2020 11:27

Why can't adults just talk to each other?

Marriage is not some kind of prize for him to bestow upon you while you sit there as a passenger in your own life massaging his ego.

This is your life too! You haven't done anything to beat yourself up over.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 11:27

@Bunnymumy - the house belongs to him and he doesnt have a mortgage on it, so we are going to get the house valued first before we do any building work, and then get it valued again after.
we will be remortgaging the house to pay for the building work and the remortgage will be in our joint names. so if anything happens, i will be entitled to any extra value the house may of gained.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 11:29

@user15412486546 i cant talk to him about it can i? if i did it may ruin it if he was planning on doing it :(
if he doesnt, i will defo sit down and talk about it with him at some point, we have talked about getting married, and he does want to and so do i, so what do you do, just wait for him to ask me haha

OP posts:
Dery · 30/09/2020 11:31

Do give yourself a sharp talking to for snooping in your BF's emails. That was really out of order and most definitely not a habit you should encourage in yourself.

That aside, @edwinbear's advice is very sound. Whether the proposal happens this weekend or at some other point, it sounds like your relationship is going extremely well and from strength to strength - good for you, OP!

Bunnymumy · 30/09/2020 11:35

That's good you have the security in place house wise then so I guess there is less rush. I dunno op...I'd totally just ask him myself lol. Provided the tone of the evening was kinda that way.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 11:35

@Dery thank you, i could kick myself for doing this, i dont normally snoop as i trust him completely and i had no reason to do it, i was just being an immature child who wanted to see what presents he had ordered, as iv been dropping hints etc, its no excuse really and look at where its got me, sitting here feeling like shit, and potentially ruined a good meal with friends, lesson learned, Karma really!

OP posts:
AlreadyGone44 · 30/09/2020 11:51

Not sure if that's just a typo. The title needs to be in both your names. Taking out a joint mortgage doesn't entitle you to anything, except debt. There are ways to safeguard his equity, you can get a document drawn up saying $x of equity is BF and then any remaining equity will be split 50/50, or the property title can be as tenants in common with specific shares, ie his is 90% and yours is 10%. There are considerations with the later option, if you are tenants in common and one of you dies the ownership of their portion of the property will pass as written in their will, or if no will as per law or may end up disputed in court. Whereas with joint tenants the property passes to the surviving owner automatically. Also over time you might find the originally agreed split is no longer a fair reflection of investment made by each partner. There may be other options too.

This is something you both need to discuss with a lawyer. But I would not be going on the mortgage until you've done this and your name is added to the title. It's harder to do this once the mortgage is set up anyway as then the bank would need to agree too as they hold an interest in the property.

LonelyFromCorona · 30/09/2020 11:57

Don't snoop if you can't handle what you find.

If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

Either way you shouldn't even be worrying about it, because you shouldn't know. And if it doesn't go the way you want, you can't hold anything against him.

AramintaLee · 30/09/2020 12:38

If he's bought you a necklace and not a ring... I would think he isn't going to propose just yet. Unless he's very non-traditional. I've never heard of an engagement necklace.

I would go in thinking he's bought you a lovely gift so you don't raise your expectations too high. If it turns out to be more than that, you won't be disappointed and if it turns out the be just a lovely gift, then that's what you were expecting.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 12:45

@AramintaLee I think you may be right and I need to look at it like that. I don't think the necklace is an engagement neck lace, my thoughts were he might propose on the Saturday night (at the meal) and the next day is my birthday and then he would give me the necklace then as it says to my future wife to be, so it would tie in with the proposal etc.
I'm going on the lines of would it be a weird present to give to someone for a birthday present if we are not engaged?

OP posts:
DragonPie · 30/09/2020 12:48

You would be better off being on the deeds as well as the mortgage should you split up.

Antimacassar · 30/09/2020 12:50

What @AlreadyGone44 said -- I think you are misunderstanding the significance of having your name on the mortgage. My sister was left in a horrible financial mess when she and her partner (with whom she had been for a decade) broke up in a not-dissimilar situation.

Antimacassar · 30/09/2020 12:51

[quote Lorddenning1]@AramintaLee I think you may be right and I need to look at it like that. I don't think the necklace is an engagement neck lace, my thoughts were he might propose on the Saturday night (at the meal) and the next day is my birthday and then he would give me the necklace then as it says to my future wife to be, so it would tie in with the proposal etc.
I'm going on the lines of would it be a weird present to give to someone for a birthday present if we are not engaged?[/quote]
Being cynical from having read so many threads on here about the endlessly-deferred proposal I would say it's possibly a way of putting an actual proposal on the long finger. Go ahead and propose yourself if you are prepared to get into major debt with this man.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 12:52

Thanks for the advice over the house and mortgage etc, my mum used to be in This sector so I will approach her to see how we are best to go about this, and if we do get married, how does this impact the house, for example does it still protect his house or does everything get split 50/50 as we are married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 12:58

@Antimacassar I know what u mean with threads on here with men making a promise of an engagement without putting a ring on their finger, but Iv never once pressured him into marriage, I don't go on and on about it, and make him think I want it so bad, or I will leave if he doesn't, I was fully prepared to wait for how ever long that may be, we even talked that if there was money left over from the house we could put that aside for our wedding so we have talked about it, in the past he has been mr anti commitment, not with me, so for him this would be a big step and I don't want to have to force him into it, it's his own decision, to be honest I thought the commitment of the house was good enough for me Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 15:16

the restaurant we was going to go has closed as one of the staff member has tested positive for Covid :(

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 30/09/2020 15:20

Snooping on phones is so awful. it seems to be rife these days. Why can't you wait for nice things to happen if they are going to.?

MMmomDD · 30/09/2020 15:28

OP - you need to take a breath and just calm down. You two have already several kids between you - so whatever relationship you have now or later will affect them.
It’s only been two years. He was always anti-commitment.
Now ‘he has changed’ and different with you? Maybe. But only time will tell.

Don’t put any money into his house unless you are actually legally protected. Either by marriage or by having an actual joint ownership. Being on the mortgage doesn’t do much really.

You seem overly giddy about the whole thing. If you were a young girl in a first relationship - sure, understandable. But you aren’t. There are kids involved.
Just take your time to make sure. There isn’t really a rush, is there?

newnameforthis123 · 30/09/2020 16:13

Did you really check his emails because you couldn't wait to find out what he got you? Or was it because you have some insecurities in the relationship? If the former you really need to try and grow up a bit as you may have spoiled a lovely thing and it's such a huge invasion of privacy, Id be really upset with you. If the latter, you need to be honest and open about that at least with yourself.