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Original poster

is he going to propose?

89 replies

Lorddenning1 · 30/09/2020 10:55

Probably going to get slated for this as i have been snooping when i shouldn't of done and now I'm hopeful but also I'm not sure if he is going to propose to me :(
I have been with my partner for 2 years, and we have 3 children between us, we are starting building work next year on our forever home, planning permission submitted, just waiting for the approval etc.
ok so this weekend its my birthday and he has organized for us to go for a nice meal, with our close friends, Covid taken into account etc but recently due to the increases in rates going up, i wanted to drop out, but friends have convinced me to go and no one else seems concerned, its not a big birthday of mine and i would of been happy to stay home with a take away. all my friends have been contacting him with times and places etc, which is a little strange but put this down to him organizing it and not me.
so he has been telling me all week that he has ordered me another present, and me being the child that i am, wanted to see what he had bought me, so i checked him emails, as his details are saved in my computer, ok so i clicked on one item and i could see it was a paypal receipt for a 14K plated necklace thats on the lines of to my future wife to be, it comes in a box that says i wasnt your first kiss or first love etc etc.
so now im freaking out to what this means, yesterday i was so excited as we have talked about getting married in the future, but then i felt a bit shit that i may have ruined it for him, but was on top of the world. Today i have work up and think differently, what if he isnt going to do it this weekend and just bought it as a promise for the future etc and he thought it was nice gift, which has now left me gutted and a bit sad :(
i dont want to go for the meal expecting something and then nothing to happen grrrr!!!! i cant talk to anyone in real life as they may know and again i dont want to ruin it for him, so now im in some kind of unknown limbo until saturday/sunday, why am i like this, why have i done this to myself, im an idiot!!!!

has anyone got any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 07:28

My apologies regarding the necklace, the description read 14k - meaning carrot, and judging by the Paypal email it wasn't that expensive and it looks like it's coming from China, so it may not even arrive in time anyways. I just need to practice my reaction when he hands it to me, to my future wife, when we are not even engage yet, I think it's a bit weird and meaningless, my friend said he was quite excited to get it as it shows what we are planning for the future, I don't want to sound I greatful but I think it's a serious idea and almost a bit insulting really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 07:29

Ungrateful and a stupid idea was what that was meant to say

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 07:35

We also agreed to put all the bills into 1 pot, including my 2 childcare fees and his maintenance, even though he insisted on not putting his maintenance on the list of bills, but I thought it was only fair as my childcare is around double his maintenance cost. The remortgage repayment amount is still £100 cheaper than the rent I pay for my small 3 bedroom house. I could insist that I don't want to be on the mortgage unless I'm on the deeds.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 01/10/2020 07:53

Blimey no offence Op

I'll get flamed for this

But if I was him after only 2 years, I'd be protecting my assets, particularly previous inheritance for my own dc.

MarthasGinYard · 01/10/2020 07:54

'My apologies regarding the necklace, the description read 14k - meaning carrot, and judging by the Paypal email it wasn't that expensive and it looks like it's coming from China, so it may not even arrive in time anyways.'

Come on now

This can't be for real Grin

Aminuts23 · 01/10/2020 08:05

OP your snooping on his emails is outrageous! Whatever the reason. If I was planning a surprise and found out my OH had done this the surprise would be cancelled for a very long time if not permanently. The idea of it makes me furious. It’s a total invasion of privacy.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:15

@MarthasGinYard he is over generous to a fault really, it probably doesn't come across this way on this thread, with everyone jumping on saying I ant believe tor moving in with some one with no protection, I mean I'm bringing nothing to the table financially really, over than half the cost of the remortgage and it's cheaper than my current rent. We are in a fortunate position for our age to have a small mortgage and a 4 bedroom house and lots of space, so it's a win win for me anyways. I think he means doing wills for when we are married, so the house gets shared between the 3 kids, I think it shows how committed he is for me and my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:15

@MarthasGinYard I wish I was making it up, this is currently what is happening Confused

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waltzeswithsnobs · 01/10/2020 08:18

A couple of years ago DH invited me to guess what he'd gotten me for Christmas. I don't even remember what it was but his reaction was an angry 'You looked in the bag!' I hadn't. But, as I told him, well I clearly did guess correctly, didn't I?

Don't ask me to guess then ffs.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:29

It was out of order for me to look at his emails and I agree I should not of done this, it's not something I make a habit of doing, the thread was made as I saw what he had bought me and I thought maybe it was going to lead to a proposal and sadly not, I knew I was going to get flamed for invading his privacy but in a way I got my just desserts really, got my myself worked up and excited about a proposal for nothing, so serves me right doesn't it. Now I need to practice my reaction to the Luke warm sentiment of the cheap tat from China when we are not even engaged Confused

OP posts:
Tadpolesandfroglets · 01/10/2020 08:30

It sounds to be like he’s stalling and a commitmentphobe. You have kids together and a so-called ‘forever’ home. Why is he fannying around with necklaces from China? He needs to pull his finger out.

MarthasGinYard · 01/10/2020 08:31

They don't have kids together

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:34

@Tadpolesandfroglets I don't see it that way, we have been together for 2 years and there is plenty of time yet, he may even have the time line in his mind already, we have talked about it and he does want to get married. He is changing his entire house and finances for me and my children, he is currently mortgage free so it's a big commitment in my eyes. Skeptics could say well ur increasing the value of his house so it's a win win for him, and I agree but I could also not going on the joint mortgage and Swan off myself in the future and I could leave him with a mortgage and a big house he doesn't need. He doesn't want to sell it as it was his dads and he is attached to it, and it's a nice area.

OP posts:
PerfidiousAlbion · 01/10/2020 08:35

Sorry OP but he’s made no commitment to you whatsoever apart from empty promises and a cheap necklace.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:35

We have talked about a child together in the future we right now we have agreed not to, we have enough with 3 and they are expensive, we would have a nice life with the 3 we have now, we both agreed not having a child together would not break us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:36

@PerfidiousAlbion have you read the post about the house and our plans for that?

OP posts:
PerfidiousAlbion · 01/10/2020 08:38

Yes, I have read it but all I see are words, no actual action and follow-up.

MarthasGinYard · 01/10/2020 08:40

All this talk of hypothetical 'wills' 'marriage' and him basically handing signing over half everything makes you sound a bit daft.

Sorry

It's as though you can't believe your luck.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:49

My apologies I thought getting an architect to draw up our plans and submitted for planning permission was an action on his part, surely if he was stalling and didn't want to commit he wouldn't do this? It's costs quite a bit of money to do this too. We are planning to start the work on March next year, if we get approval. I think this is a massive step, we are planning our future of where we are bringing up the children and growing old together.
Yes I cannot believe my luck that I found him, we have been friends before we got together and I was with the children's dad for 9 years, which he upped and left me and I nearly had a breakdown and had councilling etc, so after years of being miserable and unhappy, I finally feel like I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I want to spend the rest of my life with, call me stupid and crazy but how can you go through life not taking risks, I work full time and have my own money too, I have always been independent and don't rely on anyone, Iv had a tough childhood, throw this in for good measure, have I gone mental here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 08:52

If he didn't have the house we would be looking at saving for a deposit together and buying together, but he came to me with a house he already, in an ideal world it would be easier if he didn't but on the flip slide having the house makes it so we can have our dream home earlier in our life.

OP posts:
PortugeseManoWar · 01/10/2020 09:27

But OP, surely you can see that your partner getting an architect to draw up plans to renovate/extend his house, and to include you in the resultant debt (you don't mention going on the deeds) is not a commitment to you? And that despite everything you say about the strength of the relationship, and his commitment to future marriage, you are still hanging about hoping and waiting for him to propose to you, as though it's a favour he has in his gift, and you just get to sit about sighing, obsessing about the meanings of necklace inscriptions and what his timeline might be, and hoping it will happen? That is not the action of an adult woman who is fully in control of key elements of her and her children's life. Put your hard-headed thinking cap on. These things are too important to leave to someone else's sense of priorities/ chauvinist sense of 'tradition'.

workhomesleeprepeat · 01/10/2020 09:55

@PortugeseManoWar

But OP, surely you can see that your partner getting an architect to draw up plans to renovate/extend his house, and to include you in the resultant debt (you don't mention going on the deeds) is not a commitment to you? And that despite everything you say about the strength of the relationship, and his commitment to future marriage, you are still hanging about hoping and waiting for him to propose to you, as though it's a favour he has in his gift, and you just get to sit about sighing, obsessing about the meanings of necklace inscriptions and what his timeline might be, and hoping it will happen? That is not the action of an adult woman who is fully in control of key elements of her and her children's life. Put your hard-headed thinking cap on. These things are too important to leave to someone else's sense of priorities/ chauvinist sense of 'tradition'.
This is spot on tbh. And make sure you’re on the deeds!
Cavagirl · 01/10/2020 10:20

@Lorddenning1

The way I see it regarding the house, and I'm not saying it's the right way to look at it, is I currently rent my house at the moment, I have 2 child and he he has one, we would like to move in together next year, but his house is not big enough for 3 kids, it currently has 3 bedrooms and one bathroom (he inherited the house from his dad when he passed away) we had thought about selling it and buying a 4 bedroom house instead, but for our money it's more cost effective to extend what we have and it would be cheaper and we would have more room, we plan on adding another bedroom, bathroom and an extension to the rear for a dining room. I say we because the house is always referred to as our house, not his. We plan to live in the rental when the building work is being done, we are waiting on planning permission at the moment. The way I see it, my current landlord could sell up and I would have to move anyways. I do not own a property. So we would take out a joint remortgage to do the building work and seek professional advice on how I could be added to the house in case like u say it doesn't work out and I would leave with nothing. He agrees with this, we also talked about doing Wills and it was his idea to say that for the future the house would be split between the 3 children, so my 2 and his 1, equally. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I do think we should talk about marriage a bit more, but obs not this weekend Confused I'm not sure if getting married would secure the house more, does anyone know? If u get married, does the house then become 50/50? I know I would need to be added to the deeds etc. Would it be fair to have a clause to say his original house value should be noted down, so if things didn't work out he would be left with that value and I would get half of any increase value?
It's not your house. You're paying his mortgage for him. If you split up you'd be back to renting (which is effectively what you'd be doing living in his house, paying his mortgage). If you get married, the starting basis for assets should you split is 50/50.
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 01/10/2020 10:22

@Cavagirl if you get married, do you still need to go on the deeds?
i think you do, either way i need to go on the deeds no question about that?

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