Marriage has crushed my self esteem

[mallorytower]

Before I met my DH, I had a pretty great life. I liked where I lived. Had a best mate. Good self esteem. I then moved hundreds of miles away for my husbands job. Got married. Had kids and I’m now extremely low and lonely. I’ve never felt “at home” here. I’ve struggled to make friends and still don’t have that “pop round for a coffee” friend. My husband however, has thrived. Everything’s gone his way. Immense work success. Best friends. While I stayed at home to raise the kids, he ran a hugely successful business. He then decided to stay at home which is where our problems really started. He’s a hugely charismatic, funny and brilliant man. He beats me in all areas. He can fix things. Make things quicker than me. Do everything in the house better than me. He knows more about everything and is an expert in pretty much everything. If there is a topic that I’m interested in or start to talk about where I have some knowledge, he is very dismissive or contradicts my opinion. I have few areas where I know slightly more than him. Last night I started a conversation about one of these. He immediately contradicted me and offered his “better” and “more knowledgable” opinion. This is where I’m really struggling to be with him. Our kids adore him and he’s interactive and hands on to the detriment of me. When he’s in the room my kids don’t see me. He dominates everything. I have no place in this house. He’s taken over school runs and now wants to take over the one area that was actually mine, cooking for the family. I’m struggling to know my place in this family. I feel inadequate and “less than” him in all areas and have no idea how to have a relationship with my own kids in a house where I get no time on my own with them to just be me gently and without needing to be an expert on everything.

I don’t know if my self esteem can cope being married to such a competent and brilliant man and I don’t know what to do.

Please help.

I’m getting counselling which is helping

If he's at home now, can't you move back to where your friends are? Sorry, I know you would have thought of this, just trying to understand.

If there is a topic that I’m interested in or start to talk about where I have some knowledge, he is very dismissive or contradicts my opinion. I have few areas where I know slightly more than him. Last night I started a conversation about one of these. He immediately contradicted me and offered his “better” and “more knowledgable” opinion

It sounds as if he's grinding you down deliberately.

Are you sure he's really so brilliant and competent, OP? Or is it just your low self-esteem that's making you see him this way? Even if he is really brilliant, he is also horrible, and he has no respect for you.

To be honest, in your place I would leave him.

I wanted to do that so I’d have some support. He refuses to move. There’s nothing there for him and nothing in it for him. He’s happy where we are as he’s got everything he ever wanted. We had an agreement that we’d move back when/if we got to that point in our lives. He now won’t. So I’m stuck. This is one of the issues I have. He’s gone back on his word and I’m stuck in an area that isn’t my “home” because that’s what he wants. Our entire lives have been set-up to suit him. He’s never put himself out or made a move for me. He’s been the breadwinner so it’s all his say so. As my mum says “he calls the shots”. I have no power. Over anything. Can’t leave him, self esteem destroyed by staying with him. I’m in a no win situation.

.... oh, and it's not marriage that's crushed your self-esteem - it's his behaviour.

The more you say, the worse he sounds, OP.

Can’t leave him

Yes you can! You really can.

He’s not horrible, he’s just hugely confident with massive self belief and very strong willed and a confident talker who dominates and “wins” every conversation. About everything. He finds it very hard to be “challenged” in conversation. I once deliberately offered a different opinion on a political discussion and he walked out of the room. He can’t really bear to be talked at by me if I don’t agree with whatever he’s saying. We often do agree but it’s hard to be with him and not agree. If that makes sense.

OP .... you say he'd not horrible, but everything you say about him is telling me that he's worse than just horrible. He sounds absolutely foul to be honest - a really nasty bully.

What's he doing now he's at home all the time? Is he working, or has he retired?

No I can’t. My kids will not come with me and in future years I’ll end up losing them. They will choose to live with him over me. He adores them and vice versa and I can’t offer them anything better. They are only interested in him. I’m boring and awkward with them. I’m just being honest. If I leave, I lose my kids. I have no family and few friends here so that option condemns me to a life of loneliness.

Are you sure about what your kids would do? Really sure? How old are they?

Are you really sure you're "boring and awkward" with them? Really? I bet you're not! You're their mum - what child is going to think that his or her mum is boring and awkward? That sounds like low self-esteem to me.

He’s kind of retired. He works if/when he wants which isn’t often. I often leave the house just to get space but it means I spend a lot of my day just in my car or walking around Tesco. Before lockdown I was looking for a job to give me something to do outside the house but the pandemic has put that on the back burner. I don’t know really how to dig myself out of this hole.

If I leave, I lose my kids. I have no family and few friends here so that option condemns me to a life of loneliness

If you went back home, you would be with your friends and family again.

Maybe take advantage of him being at home and doing everything and go out? Get a job, or do hobbies or sport, go back for the weekend and catch up with friends?

Oops sorry cross posted.

Going back for the weekend and catching up with friends is a good idea - maybe not now, with things as they are, but when the pandemic eases. I think you need to get out of this miserable situation in order to re-connect with the old you.

OP - as you say your self esteem is low, you are probably not seeing things as objectively as others would. Your kids may have a great relationship with him but you are their mother and they Will love you. Lots of us on here are thinking he sounds overbearing and manipulative and people in real life are likely to have this impression too.

They’re primary school age. The thing is before he started WFH I was ok. My place was running the house and I had most of the day in peace and I could cope with him because it was only a few hours a day. I also had after school until tea time on my own with the kids so I had some time with them. It was an ok balance. Now there is no balance. He’s even taken over the online grocery shopping. It sounds ridiculous but that was my “job”. I have few things in my life/our marriage that I can achieve that aren’t done better or controlled by him and the grocery shopping and family cooking/planning was mine. Now that’s gone too!

I'm off to bed now, but come back and give this thread a bump in the morning, OP. You'll get lots more responses and ideas then.

I would take advantage of this since he is calling all the shots, take a bath catch up with friends online/phone, etc.

But for anyone to even think about leaving is serious. It means you should really leave. Pack your bag, take your kids and stay with friends and family.

It sounds like he doesn't have enough to do, he's used to being in charge, and he's pushing you out.

Anyway ... I'll come back tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice. It helps

I see you were thinking about getting a job but that is now on the back burner because of Covid. Do seriously consider it, you would feel so much different if you were at work; you'd be your own person with your own money. Work is good for self esteem.

Do something for you - job, degree or some vocation - get some space to breathe! Good luck.

I agree with the poster above if you can’t leave then you need to do something for you something that will help to improve your self esteem.

Also tell him that it’s your job to the online shopping and cooking and this is what you like doing and you like to do it your way! It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself a little more, don’t let him take over the things you like to do and let him know how you’re feeling and both set some house rules / duties.

Wait patiently for your kids to reach teenage years when they want independence, challenge opinions and don't want to do what their parents want.
He is not going to cope with someone not doing what he wants or challenging him.
He sounds like a bully even narcissistic.

Another here who thinks he is ringing the narcissist bell. My mother sounds like him. Not in terms of taking over in the house, because obviously I was the child. But the whole best st everything - and has to be best at everything - the utter inability to have an alternative viewpoint aired. She would either beat you down with words, or storm out. And I know someone else who is like this and they have very much taken over everything in the house too - food shopping, cleaning etc (and it sounds great but the result is my friend's self esteem is eroding because nothing at all she can do is good enough).

The label of narcissism can be thrown about a bit too liberally, but sometimes it's helpful to know it and see where the person ticks some boxes, just to help understanding the situation.

With someone who can't be wrong, having older kids/teens will be challenging..because they don't adore their parents and hold different viewpoints. The calm, gentle person who allows them to be themselves has a LOT to offer children. Don't underestimate what you offer them.

I imagine too that part of the reason you've not got many friends because of how you're feeling, combined with being at home (where we don't meet people). If you were free of living with him, even if life was hard, you'd feel better in yourself because you'd have your own space to breathe.

How are finances? Do you have full access to them?