Marriage has crushed my self esteem

[mallorytower]

Before I met my DH, I had a pretty great life. I liked where I lived. Had a best mate. Good self esteem. I then moved hundreds of miles away for my husbands job. Got married. Had kids and I’m now extremely low and lonely. I’ve never felt “at home” here. I’ve struggled to make friends and still don’t have that “pop round for a coffee” friend. My husband however, has thrived. Everything’s gone his way. Immense work success. Best friends. While I stayed at home to raise the kids, he ran a hugely successful business. He then decided to stay at home which is where our problems really started. He’s a hugely charismatic, funny and brilliant man. He beats me in all areas. He can fix things. Make things quicker than me. Do everything in the house better than me. He knows more about everything and is an expert in pretty much everything. If there is a topic that I’m interested in or start to talk about where I have some knowledge, he is very dismissive or contradicts my opinion. I have few areas where I know slightly more than him. Last night I started a conversation about one of these. He immediately contradicted me and offered his “better” and “more knowledgable” opinion. This is where I’m really struggling to be with him. Our kids adore him and he’s interactive and hands on to the detriment of me. When he’s in the room my kids don’t see me. He dominates everything. I have no place in this house. He’s taken over school runs and now wants to take over the one area that was actually mine, cooking for the family. I’m struggling to know my place in this family. I feel inadequate and “less than” him in all areas and have no idea how to have a relationship with my own kids in a house where I get no time on my own with them to just be me gently and without needing to be an expert on everything.

I don’t know if my self esteem can cope being married to such a competent and brilliant man and I don’t know what to do.

Please help.

I’m getting counselling which is helping

I would get a job/train for a job and start planning my exit. Working or studying will let you meet different people and give you some confidence back.

You probably won't be able to leave the area but you don't have to be in the same house. You can divorce him and lead separate lives, have those peaceful times with your children on your own.

He sounds like a know-it-all bully.

Look seriously into studying something to get a degree. Is there anything you've always wanted to study?

That will get you a life of your own where you aren't stuck listening to his self important monologues.

You could end up being an expert in something you love and he knows zip about.

You need some assertive training. You also need to find an activity that is just for you. Yoga or gym for example , that you can at least escape to. Remember a marriage is a equal partnership and you are not a by stander in your own life.

Your children are primary school age, of course you can take them home. They will get used to it. If you stay until they are teenagers you will never have a chance to leave, but now there is a window of opportunity. If your dh is working from home or semi retired, you can work/live anywhere.

Go home, and once you are there decide if you want to stay with him or not. You will have help, support and friendship to help you through.

Why not suggest a temporary return during covid, and take it from there op? He can not decide everything in your life, it is YOUR life as well.

OU or online course. Psychology or philosophy or anything that makes you think.

Have you said any of this to him? Does he know how you feel?

Op if I were you I'd move out and live nearby. Your kids will come to you because you're their mum and that's how parenting works.

Being in your own home would be liberating and I can bet once you're there you'll feel less awkward.

Kids might find him interesting now but as they get older they'll find him over bearing and opinionated the way you do. Once they reach a certain age then you can move home.

See a lawyer, find a house, look for a job.

I would try and find something productive to do outside of the family home - a job, a social hobby (ramblers?), volunteering (food bank?), etc. This will build your self-esteem, give you a sense of purpose and help you feel you have some control in your life. Then you'll feel better equipped to tackle this man

Can you go back to college/university and learn something that you can take into a career? Is there something you're particularly interested in that you could train in. Have a good think about what you wanted to do as a kid. Did you want to become a vet, or a doctor or an accountant. Whilst he's the sahp you can use this time to do something for you.

Most men go through this stage when they retire. I would be looking to redirect his activities to “a project” of his own. Traditional would be golf/club/politics/local do gooding/renovating a property/charity work/travel. Arrange conflicting activities for the children so you do one each. Arrange things to do with the children that require one of you to be one to one. Plan get together and let him do the performance cooking. Ask for more of his input on things you don’t want/can’t do particularly if they clash with after school times.

Don’t assume the children love him more. I would imagine they are aware of exactly what he is like and the feedback he needs. Be YOU and find your happy and show them how to do that.

OP if he is earning all the money and is also willing to manage the house (does he do the cleaning? I bet he doesn't) this gives you the perfect opportunity to do what you can to escape. Do you have a degree? If not, do that - it probably isn't too late in the term to start somewhere. Or retrain as something that is vocational like plumbing, painting and decorating, whatever you think you'd like. This will take courage but you can do it. Look into it first, decide, sign up for it and make the plans to attend and then tell him - in that order.

I can absolutely see how you've ended up here but it is in your power to do something about it.

Personally I wouldn't advise you to go for a qualification that's going to take years like a degree - too much time for him to continue to undermine and sabotage you. Better to get back into work or something shorter to prepare you for work. A man like this isn't going to shut up because you get a degree.

For me, the path back to myself with an undercutting spouse was through work. My first job wasn't exactly rocket science, but it got me out of the house and meeting people, I got good feedback that I was competent and doing well, had me earning my own money so I felt like I had more of a right to have opinions at home. From there, I gained confidence to try for other work, and not long after, I gained the confidence to ditch his emotionally abusive (amongst other things) arse and go it alone.

Oh OP I felt immensely sad reading your post. He seems like an armchair/boardroom dictator with a very low emotional IQ.

You must reclaim some of your battle ground and fast. Yes these types of people hate being challenged but you absolutely must stand your ground and reset the power balance between the two of you.

Have you thought about individual and couples counselling? It would be really helpful I think for you to have an ally. At these sessions he would have to shut up and listen and you would be used to expressing your opinions and pointing out what's not working for you.

Do you still love or in your heart of hearts has he steamrollered that entirely?

@category12 I think that’s very good advice thank you and before lockdown that was my plan. Now it’s incredibly harder for me as someone with no experience to get any kind of work. I’m trying but it’s just not happening! I’ve even tried getting volunteer work but nobody is taking on volunteers right now either! From what I’ve been told it’s too tricky due to restrictions. I’ll keep trying though.

@Closetbeanmuncher I’m having counselling which helps. I don’t really want couples counselling right now. I just don’t have the emotional energy for it. I’m so tired.

he’s just hugely confident with massive self belief and very strong willed and a confident talker who dominates and “wins” every conversation. About everything. He finds it very hard to be “challenged” in conversation.

You see, while this is clearly your view, others who have some distance might easily think differently.

When I was much younger, I used to think people like you describe were fantastic and be very drawn to them. Over the years I have learned that really confident people simply do not have that need or drive to dominate. They can be interested in other people.

I'm so sorry, what you are describing are the actions of a weak bully. Think Trump and there you have it.

Your primary school age will change a lot in the coming years, so really don't worry about that.

I'm guessing that you don't have equal access to the family finances. If that is true, I would encourage you to get yourself a job. It might feel too difficult but Earning money can be a terrific ego boost which I feel you need now. Open a separate account for your wages. Watching your own funds build up will give you options for the future.

Don't openly challenge him. Have a look at the grey rock technique while you built up your own life and your options.

You have got this. It will get better and better as you learn to trust yourself and start to see him a bit more clearly.

Keep in touch here. You will be amazed buy how much your life improves.

@FinallyHere you are correct about the family finances. I have my own savings but no control or say over the family finances. Considering I used to be a high level earner in the financial sector many years ago and I’m extremely good with finances, that sucks for me personally and grates but there is an element of he earnt it and I didn’t.

I think earning my own money is the only way forward really

Thank you @Time40 , that's exactly what I was going to say - is he actually brilliant? It's amazing to me how confidence can dazzle people into thinking someone is way more competent than they are. My ex was very smart, but with time and distance I can see that he wasn't as great as he thought he was 😂 I absolutely love my current partner, but I was in a bit of a low place when I met him and I thought he was mr amazing at everything, and it made me feel a bit stupid. Now that I'm happy and have my self esteem and confidence back, I can see he's a normal, flawed person, just like everyone else!

Even if you're sure he is mr amazing, there's one thing he's not good at - being a kind and compassionate husband! Have you tried telling him how it makes you feel when he steamrolls over your thoughts and opinions? If he's not willing to listen to your worries and be kinder then you deserve better ☹️

He's financially abusing you then. This man sounds far from perfect.

Listen, if you used to be a high flyer in the financial sector you can be again. You are in an abusive relationship, that's why you're finding it difficult to escape. As someone who was brought up by a charming arsehole who turned out to be many things I don't want to get into here it would be better for your kids to feel they had been separated from someone they have a good relationship with than to face years of being ground down by controlling abuse, and seeing you ground down by it.

He’s not horrible, he’s just hugely confident with massive self belief

No he isn't OP. People with confidence and self belief don't do the following:

He finds it very hard to be “challenged” in conversation. I once deliberately offered a different opinion on a political discussion and he walked out of the room.

If you're confident in your opinions a different viewpoint won't threaten you. It actually sounds like he has a very shaky ego masquerading as confidence and I agree with a pp about the narcissistic traits.

I'm in a somewhat similar position in that I also have very little agency in my life. My husband definitely isn't taking over my "role" (that would be beneath him - women's work and all that) but like yours he has his life set up in exactly the way he wants and I have no say. I also moved away for him and never settled here. I've told him I hate it, I'm so unhappy, miss my family/friends etc but he still won't even consider moving and comes up with all the excuses in the world as to why we can't do it - we could, he just doesn't want to.

I have felt so stuck as we have very young DC and I have no financial independence. Also, as a child of divorce I was loathe to put my children into that scenario, so all in all I was just frozen with indecision going round in circles in my head. Covid lockdown was awful making me even more isolated than ever, but being so low finally gave me the kick I needed to finally stop being so passive/quietly despairing and to get out of my head and put some plans into action.

I applied for a masters. I started last week. It will take two years part time but when I finish my career prospects will have improved and my youngest will be about to start school which will ease childcare costs. Basically I'm setting myself up to be able to survive as a single parent. I'm going to move back to my hometown so I have family support. I have a clear goal and I have written out the steps I need to take in order to achieve this.

You need to start taking steps to improve your confidence and gain some control back over your life OP. It's such an awful feeling being "trapped" but we're not, it's not the 1950's, we have options. It's just hard to take the first steps but when you take that first tiny step little by little your confidence will grow until you're striding towards the life you want.

If you do not see leaving as an option, then maybe you could get out and about - find things to join that chime with your interests and develop these. Just bash on and do it; do not ask his "permission"; do not discuss with him. Just tell him: "Tonight I am going out to do X."

You can make outside contacts and pursue new interests: join a gym, an art class, a community choir, a walking group - whatever floats your boat.

You are allowing this to happen; you have believed the message about your inadequacy; you have bought into his narrative.

You do NOT have to do this. Get out there and show him that you are you and will not be crushed. The longer this goes on, the harder it will become to break out. So get on the internet today and look up what is available in your area.

As long as you lie down under this it will go on and on.

You sound very ground down op. I can see why you feel trapped. Do some things for you even if it's going to the gym or yoga. Have a think about what work you could do and take it from there. Covid isnt helping but this won't go on forever. If you need to go home for a long weekend (or however long) then do.

@mallorytower

I’m extremely good with finances

Sounds as if you might well have skills that are particularly important and necessary at the moment. It must be especially hard amongst a global pandemic but lots of companies are struggling exactly because they need and lack your skills.

Can you thinking it as a duty to get those skills out there to help them ? That might stand you in better stead than hoping for a job, any job. What about the school governors? What other organisations are there around you at the moment?

Are you in touch with any of your former colleagues ? Are you in LinkedIn? How about asking everyone you can find for a few moments of their time to talk about the current situation and where they see their industry going? Very few people would turn down that request for a friend or fellow networker.

The more you listen to them , some themes will emerge. You will start to see for yourself what assistance you could provide. Asking for a job or job advice is not comfortable. Listening to their key work issues and offering a solution "how would it be if ..." would help you see their interest.

If they try to bite your hand off in their enthusiasm, you can offer to put together a proposal with some options. Make sure you do not sell yourself short. Be clear about your rates. You can offer the first few to waive your fees but you must prepare and send the invoice but mark it 'no charge' which is why a school is a great place to stay. Get know for reliable financial advice there and you will have lots of contacts

One you gave a few under your belt you have to say sorry, no space for pro-Bono clients my rates are ... make sure these are competitive but still provide you with a living.

Soz if I am suggesting things that are obvious to you. It sounded as if you just needed a bit of a hand up to get you started. You have got this.

You are being suffocated by this man and you need to find interests and activities that are yours. There are voluntary jobs available - many of the charity shops in my town are recruiting as they have lost many of their older staff who are shielding or vulnerable. Also food banks generally need extra hands.

I sympathise as my DH has similar tendencies. I volunteer and foolishly happily let him get involved. Now he's a fucking expert and tries to tell me my job. I like to paint, now he's taken it up and become obsessed. It's like a competition. I can't bring myself to pick up a brush now. Thankfully he works long hours so I can handle it.