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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage has crushed my self esteem

83 replies

mallorytower · 30/09/2020 03:21

Before I met my DH, I had a pretty great life. I liked where I lived. Had a best mate. Good self esteem. I then moved hundreds of miles away for my husbands job. Got married. Had kids and I’m now extremely low and lonely. I’ve never felt “at home” here. I’ve struggled to make friends and still don’t have that “pop round for a coffee” friend. My husband however, has thrived. Everything’s gone his way. Immense work success. Best friends. While I stayed at home to raise the kids, he ran a hugely successful business. He then decided to stay at home which is where our problems really started. He’s a hugely charismatic, funny and brilliant man. He beats me in all areas. He can fix things. Make things quicker than me. Do everything in the house better than me. He knows more about everything and is an expert in pretty much everything. If there is a topic that I’m interested in or start to talk about where I have some knowledge, he is very dismissive or contradicts my opinion. I have few areas where I know slightly more than him. Last night I started a conversation about one of these. He immediately contradicted me and offered his “better” and “more knowledgable” opinion. This is where I’m really struggling to be with him. Our kids adore him and he’s interactive and hands on to the detriment of me. When he’s in the room my kids don’t see me. He dominates everything. I have no place in this house. He’s taken over school runs and now wants to take over the one area that was actually mine, cooking for the family. I’m struggling to know my place in this family. I feel inadequate and “less than” him in all areas and have no idea how to have a relationship with my own kids in a house where I get no time on my own with them to just be me gently and without needing to be an expert on everything.

I don’t know if my self esteem can cope being married to such a competent and brilliant man and I don’t know what to do.

Please help.

I’m getting counselling which is helping

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 30/09/2020 09:48

Does he know you feel like this OP? I mean 100% know, because I myself am aware when married to someone like this you often just keep schtum to preserve any peace. If not, I would sit him down and be frank , tell him you no longer feel that any areas are under your jurisdiction and it’s making you unhappy— if he doesn’t care or argues back then start making forward looking plans to get out - you can go, you just have to accept that you probably can’t have the same standard of life— if he is a high earner and you have kids there is always a way

Arrowcat · 30/09/2020 09:56

Like others have said - take some ownership and control back.

get a job or make a job. Have something creative you enjoy? Do that on Etsy.
volunteer for something
do an evening class - any will do
if he's got loads of money then he can facilitate you doing some courses, training etc.
home office or rent some space for your new business or studies?

You haven't settled in your new home because everything revolves around your family. Getting some self respect back by doing the above will make you happier where you are.
You are strong and clever and it's worth fighting for some of the above. You can do it.

rainingallspring · 30/09/2020 10:15

Op you're not describing someone smart and confident. You're describing an abusive bully. Divorce him, take what is yours and manage the money yourself.

Blezz · 30/09/2020 10:25

there is an element of he earnt it and I didn’t.

Or, an element of you sacrificed your career for the family and he made no sacrifices of any kind (from what you've said) ! How lucky for him that you've allowed him this marvellous life. He owes you. The money is the least of it.

dolliedaze · 30/09/2020 11:38

I'm not sure I'm in the right group. I'm 69 years old, my husband is 70. We don't have the fairy tale happy marriage and I have often thought of leaving him. We have 4 grown up sons, 1 lives with us. Lately we have been trying to get along better and had a lovely weekend in Cartmel. However he will not acknowledge the effect his behaviour has on my mental health. Yesterday we had a day out to the local beach with our dog. I drove. The plan was to have lunch out after our beach walk. The car parks were very busy and I couldn't find a space i was comfortable with - I am currently suffering from a really sore back and I would have to have the door open more to unfasten and get the dog out. At one point after driving past a space he said "that man is getting his 4x4 in there" implying I could have got in. Similar things were said at another car park till my anxiety levels were through the roof and I was shaking. At that point I couldn't have parked in any space. I told him he was causing this anxiety but no apology. We travelled home in silence and haven't spoken since. Last night he wrote in his daily journal that I was incompetent and blaming him for no reason. No acknowledgement of his part. I know I shouldn't read it but he sits in front of me every night writing it and it's all lies. He says that when "he's gone" the boys will know the "truth". I am angry, upset and frustrated. Thank you for reading this

Time40 · 30/09/2020 11:46

Good morning, @mallorytower. How are you doing today?

That sounds tough, dolliedaze. I'm not surprised you have often thought of leaving him!

category12 · 30/09/2020 12:02

Hi @dolliedaze, I think you've accidentally posted in this thread instead of creating your own? If you try starting your own thread, you'll get better responses, as your post will get lost here.

LorW · 30/09/2020 12:56

Hmm. Is it possible that you feel really resentful towards your dh for having a social life, great career etc etc where as you haven’t had the opportunity because of running the household and looking after children and you crave that? That resentment can definitely manifest itself and make you see him in a completely different light and everything he does or says will annoy you etc. Your marriage shouldn’t be a competition. I think couples counselling will really help you if you want to make the marriage work, you should be excited and happy to have your partner around more but you’re not. Put your foot down and get equal control of your family finances etc or tell your husband you will leave, don’t be afraid of being without him.

You say your self esteem is low, I’m guessing this is the reason why you’re saying things like ‘He adores them and vice versa and I can’t offer them anything better’ which I don’t think is the case at all. You need to work on your self esteem and your confidence, do things for you, go out and get a job and a hobby (even if it’s just working in the local supermarket) you will make friends and you will probably feel much better 😁

dottiedodah · 30/09/2020 13:23

Can you see if you could arrange a few days away , Maybe with best mate ? Just so you can have a bit of time on your own .Your DH sounds somewhat overbearing .Does he know he does this I wonder?

1forAll74 · 30/09/2020 15:01

Do you not ever sit down and talk all these things through with your Husband.? If the answer is no, or you have tried to, and your Husband does not care about your feelings one iota, then you have the measure of his true feelings and views about your life together.

It is no way to be living if your Husband is controlling everything, and disregards you as a wife in all ways,and makes you so unhappy all the time. Only you will know if you can make a big change in life for yourself.

FinallyHere · 30/09/2020 15:26

Don't have couples counselling. Anyone who can deny you equal access to family money is easily capable of twisting things to make it all sound your fault.

By all means, have your own counselling.

Fizzysours · 30/09/2020 15:34

If he was really confident he would make you feel elated, energised, confident and loved. OP he is not really confident, HE IS REALLY SMUG AND BOSSY. Firstly STOP putting him on a pedestal. Great people build up those around them. Insecure people grind them down. And your kids need their mum....just because he is Mr Hyper Great Fucking Fantastic Blahhhh, and they are more relaxed around you, does not make him the irreplaceable parent. Far from it. He won't cope when they are teenagers and curl their lips at him, you just wait....

OverTheRubicon · 30/09/2020 15:42

It sounds like you're married to a difficult man who is quite a knob, and understandably want out.

However, right now, it feels like blaming everything on him is a get-out clause that's stopping you from taking action. You were a sahm with primary age kids and had peace during the day, now you are home and not doing the school run, the shopping, the cooking and since you haven't mentioned cleaning at all I assume a cleaner (unless he's doing that too!)... yet you have not used that time to build meaningful friendships, work or volunteer and are now using your time to wander around Tesco and are 'too tired' to consider couples counselling, even though that would be a very supportive way for you to bring up your concerns and have an open discussion, whether you ultimately want to stay or go.

You are worth more than this! Your kids are worth more than growing up following this very unhealthy dynamic! But nothing is going to change unless you change it. Getting a job will help, but ultimately you need to have a discussion. Or if there is a lot more than you've mentioned and he's abusive (you mention that he is in charge of family finances, but it's not clear if that's because he's actively controlling it, or you're just following in the usual pattern of him taking over and you stepping away without saying anything).

What does your counsellor say? Have you ever explored whether you have underlying depression driving some of this? I truly hope you can move and make changes.

OverTheRubicon · 30/09/2020 15:45

*meant to say that if he's abusive, then you need to use some of your savings to talk to a good divorce lawyer on the quiet, make plans, and either get him out or get out asap

AspiringAmazon · 30/09/2020 15:46

@OverTheRubicon Brilliant post!

EternalOptimist7 · 30/09/2020 15:49

So sorry OP. What absolutely stood out for me was when you posted “ I could cope with him then”. That makes me so sad for you. A relationship shouldn’t be about “coping”. My marriage isn’t perfect but DH makes me laugh every day, supports me & tries his best to be a good husband & Dad. What does your DH do for you?

Suzi888 · 30/09/2020 15:51

@Arrowcat

Like others have said - take some ownership and control back. 1) get a job or make a job. Have something creative you enjoy? Do that on Etsy. 2) volunteer for something 3) do an evening class - any will do 4) if he's got loads of money then he can facilitate you doing some courses, training etc. 5) home office or rent some space for your new business or studies?

Absolutely agree with @Arrowcat Let him take over the washing and ironing too. He seems very smug....

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 21:13

He sounds really horrible. I agree with the consensus that he isn’t confident. He’s a bully with very fragile self esteem and a puffed up sense of importance. The reason as to why he doesn’t want to move back to somewhere you feel comfortable is because you and your children will discover just what a fraud he is.

Has it never occurred to you that it’s not that your dcs think he’s wonderful, it’s actually because a) they are copying you and putting their father on a pedestal and b) even little children are very perceptive and they know what they need to do to protect themselves because no one else is doing that.

You do need to find a release and probably a way out. Working, studying, these are possibilities and you need to stop with the humdrum 1950s wide routine. Take your dcs to visit your family lots in the holidays. Get them to see other people, who love and care for them. Ask your family to come and stay now, before we are locked down again. Do what you can to dilute his influence on you all.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 30/09/2020 21:37

What about education or training for you? Or getting a job? My relationship With my DH is not ideal. But I do have a career. It has been my salvation as my DH completely works at home and is at home all the time too.

SoulofanAggron · 30/09/2020 22:27

I once deliberately offered a different opinion on a political discussion and he walked out of the room. He can’t really bear to be talked at by me if I don’t agree with whatever he’s saying.

So he's not so perfect, then.

A decent person if they're as much of a good all rounder as this would let others win sometimes. Instead he's enjoying being supposedly better than you and everything, and showing it.

To some extent what he's doing to you is deliberate.

My ex was a bit lke this- charismatic, a genius in a lot of ways etc.

It helped me when I saw all his bad qualities. That he was a narc who would big himself up all the time in a naff way etc, for instance.

SoulofanAggron · 30/09/2020 22:28

at everything

Anordinarymum · 30/09/2020 22:35

@dolliedaze

I was so sad reading this. Surely your boys will already know what he is like

Angelina1972 · 30/09/2020 22:51

He sounds like an ex of mine. Intelligent and talented in many ways. Had loads of hobbies and interests. He was quite manic really. However he had a fragile ego, and was intolerant, rude and could be very cruel. He couldn’t stand being disagreed with and would regularly storm off, or insist that I left his company. His mood was volatile and he was controlling.
He also like your H displayed entrenched narcissistic traits. Eventually I grew thoroughly fed up and we finished. I look back on the relationship with horror!

billy1966 · 30/09/2020 22:55

He sounds like a really awful pain in the ass.

Accumulate copies of all your financials and get advice.

50/50 with Mr Know it all would be better.

Look at getting back to work.

He sounds awful and you are not in love with him.

Time to focus on a new plan.
Reach out IRL for support.

Bettysnow · 30/09/2020 22:56

Your life seems pretty much centred around his with him the main focal point for everyone.
Time I think for you to start focusing on yourself by planning what you want to do.
Maybe think about joining walking groups, night classes, volunteering. Anything you're interested in which brings you into with other like minded people.
If he wants to cook, clean and run the house let him crack on and use the time to plan improving your quality of life.
When you start meeting people who have similar interests as yourself you will find anything he says or does won't have the same impact. Good luck

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