Marriage has crushed my self esteem

[mallorytower]

Before I met my DH, I had a pretty great life. I liked where I lived. Had a best mate. Good self esteem. I then moved hundreds of miles away for my husbands job. Got married. Had kids and I’m now extremely low and lonely. I’ve never felt “at home” here. I’ve struggled to make friends and still don’t have that “pop round for a coffee” friend. My husband however, has thrived. Everything’s gone his way. Immense work success. Best friends. While I stayed at home to raise the kids, he ran a hugely successful business. He then decided to stay at home which is where our problems really started. He’s a hugely charismatic, funny and brilliant man. He beats me in all areas. He can fix things. Make things quicker than me. Do everything in the house better than me. He knows more about everything and is an expert in pretty much everything. If there is a topic that I’m interested in or start to talk about where I have some knowledge, he is very dismissive or contradicts my opinion. I have few areas where I know slightly more than him. Last night I started a conversation about one of these. He immediately contradicted me and offered his “better” and “more knowledgable” opinion. This is where I’m really struggling to be with him. Our kids adore him and he’s interactive and hands on to the detriment of me. When he’s in the room my kids don’t see me. He dominates everything. I have no place in this house. He’s taken over school runs and now wants to take over the one area that was actually mine, cooking for the family. I’m struggling to know my place in this family. I feel inadequate and “less than” him in all areas and have no idea how to have a relationship with my own kids in a house where I get no time on my own with them to just be me gently and without needing to be an expert on everything.

I don’t know if my self esteem can cope being married to such a competent and brilliant man and I don’t know what to do.

Please help.

I’m getting counselling which is helping

he sounds like an arrogant prick imo who doesnt value you and always has to get one up on you.
Not surprised youre feeling crushed. Youre always in a competition you didnt want to be in. Hes not into teamwork, he just wants to be centre stage

He may be "brilliant" in some areas, but he's bottom of the class in making his wife feel included, listened to and appreciated, so time for him to go back to basics and start treating you with respect. He sounds like he has a massive ego. Don't be browbeaten. Carry on developing your own interests and life. Think of him as being a bit inadequate with his constant petty point scoring. Believe in yourself, carry on, as long as you're kind and love your kids, they will know that.

You need to sit down and show him the post you have written on here. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You are very unhappy and you need to try to resolve this. It isn’t the 1950’s ! You seem scared of him and that is not good. As for time alone to bond with your kids- insist on picking them up from school and tell him you want your own bonding time - take them to the park or a milkshake so they can get to know how great you are and so everything isn’t always about him. You need To assert yourself and keep looking for a life outside the home too even volunteering. Good luck xx

I've not got time to read the whole thread, but it's been on my mind since yesterday, so just wanted to quickly add:

As someone said, it's a lot easier to be the hero parent of a primary school age child than it is to a stroppy teenager who's forming their own opinions. And it doesn't sound like your DH likes opinions that he doesn't agree with... Bide your time. Your time as the accepting parent will come.

Also, why not share with your DH that you miss spending time alone with your DCs. Why not suggest that you do pick up and evening meal twice a weeknight.

And why not suggest that on Fridays, or Saturdays, you prepare the meal a a family, including the DCs. They won't like it if he just takes over from them...

If you were in financial services, please look at the Returner network. I did and am now back at work. There are all sorts of companies welcoming Women Returners back to work and they are very open to flexible working. I was pretty rock bottom when I went to one of their conferences and it was a real turning point.

womenreturners.com/

Start saving and studying OP; with this pandemic so much is available online. And just take BACK control of the grocery shopping and cooking! Just blank him, change the log ins and do it. Cause WW3 if you have to or let him rant and give out to you but just carry on and do it anyway. Learn to block him out and organise an activity for DCs that doesn’t include him to get some time back with them. Make a start on dinner prep early and TELL him you’re doing dinner tonight. End of.

@Asterion....so true....

@mallorytower Bless you - I read this thread with much interest and similarity,. How did this work out?? I hope you are keeping well.