AIBU to struggle with my husband’s girlfriend?

[MoggTheCat]

Despite many years of relationship counselling, sex therapy and individual therapy, I have no sex drive and find it impossible to have a physical relationship with my husband. We are very affectionate with each other, good parents to our children and get on very well in all other aspects. A while ago we made the difficult decision that my husband should see other women for sex, as he wants us to stay together but can’t cope with not having a sex life. I wasn’t happy about it but I know I am acting unreasonably by not being able to do physical intimacy and I thought it would be preferable to him leaving me. Now he has started seeing someone else on a regular basis and I am really struggling to cope with it. I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and could give any advice? Thank you.

There must be financial reasons for you and your husband to just refuse to split. I feel sorry for the children and even the girlfriend. You are dragging a lot of people into your mess. You are too old to blaming your homophobic parents.

I agree with those suggesting you need to end your marriage. You both want different things, and there really isn't a good way to compromise. Neither of you are wrong, you are just incompatible, and it's only going to end in heartache.

I've just read the bit about you being gay! Why write a post and leave out one of the most important pieces of information?

I could imagine if you were basically heterosexual and leaving out the fact that sex is painful for you that his relationship with his girlfriend might eventually run its course and that he might opt to remain with you.

But given what you've mentioned here I can's see that could work. It's very clear that he wants a relationship which includes sexual intimacy and its very likely that if he likes and respects this woman as well as being physically attracted to her she will come to supplant you. And who could blame him?

I don't know why you and he want to prolong this: familiarity perhaps, or money, or not wanting to upset your children. These are all totally understandable and no-one can blame either of you for fearing the unknown but surely you can see that maintaining the status quo isn't sustainable over the long term?

You will all be much happier if you take the brave step of admitting that your marriage isn't working.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3779825-AIBU-not-to-let-my-husband-have-a-girlfriend

Will you be returning to this thread OP?

@ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN

Just because the op feels she maybe gay doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her husband and love what they have together a family life, a friendship, love and a long history

It’s not all so black and white

I feel for you op love isn’t all about who are are sexually attracted to

No but I think her husband deserves to have s relationship with someone who is sexually attracted to him / his sex if that's what he wants.

The OP may love her husband and the family/friendship they have together but that is very different to being in a relationship with a party who is gay.

I do feel for OP but I really do feel sorry for the husband to be honest. He deserves to be with someone who actually wants him.

I couldn't be satisfied in a relationship knowing my husband actually preferred men and loved me more like a friend. That's a totally different dynamic.

Who isn't gay**

@AcrossthePond55

You're gay. He knows you're gay. Neither of you (at this time) want a divorce, for whatever reason. You mutually agreed (even if you weren't happy about it) that he could seek sex elsewhere. Now he's doing exactly what you agreed on and you're complaining about it.

Either be honest and end the marriage or shut up. You have no cause for complaint or 'struggle'.

If I were you I'd end it now, when he may be likely to be cooperative. If you wait until he starts planning a future with this woman he may not be so eager to 'share and share alike' when it comes to divvy'ing up the assets or agreeing to child maintenance (if applicable).

This. It's sad, OP, but you need to recognise that this situation you are in right now isn't going to last. He's forming a relationship and I suspect will leave if this relationship gives him what he's looking for.

You need to accept these are the final desperate moments of you each trying to make this relationship you have together work, you've been in it a long time, you're familiar with it, you have kids, but it's not making you happy and it's not going to.

Whether it's this partner or another he will at some point realise that he can have a complete relationship with someone else, she will also make him laugh, feel valued, and be good company, but with the sex element he wants too. Likewise if you want a relationship then there will be one out there that suits you better too, be that with a man or a woman, involving sex or not. There is no reason you cannot remain good friends, but please end this now before the kids find out about their dads other partner.